3 weeks from due date and DH refuses to help - everything must be 'equal'

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

I'm heavily pregnant and exhausted. Our bins were overflowing and needed to be taken out for collection (they only collect fortnightly). I asked my husband FIVE times over 48 hours to take them out, explaining that if we miss collection, we'll have nowhere for food waste for two weeks.

He kept saying "in a bit" but never did it, so we missed collection. When I finally confronted him, his response was "the bin is on wheels, you could have managed it yourself!!"

I'm furious. This is only the SECOND time I've asked him to deal with the bins during my entire 9-month pregnancy. He actually told me after 8 months that he'd help with the bins, and still refuses to do it. Who watches their heavily pregnant wife struggle like this?

I've asked barely anything of him this whole time - I still cook, clean, and maintain the same standards as before pregnancy. He makes me cook every other night without exception - which to some degree is fine, but even on days when I'm clearly exhausted, he never offers to take over.

He does pull his weight around the house generally and probably does more than me, but today made a flippant comment that "he does everything." Meanwhile, he's been on holiday to last week with friends, is going away again next week, and living his normal life while I'm struggling at 36 weeks. Is it fair to only ask for support if doing something is impossible? Or is it reasonable to just ask for support occasionally?! Please let me know what happens in other relationships on this.

I ended up calling the collection service myself and taking the bins out (wasn't as heavy as it looked, but that's not the point or is it and is he right?).

I don't know what to do. Am I being unreasonable here? Is he? Are we both?

Sounds like my ex: incapable of having a relationship that isn't transactional and is scared stiff incase you somehow 'get one over on him' - it's pathetic. Also nasty. You could get rid now, OP, you could have peace with your baby, your baby would never know any different. Think about what you want your future to look like. Your DH is a nasty individual.

No and you know it's not. If you genuinely don't you need some help.

For two weeks? What a Prince. What does he think happens after two weeks?!

My husband was still having to feed me some of my dinners when my son was weeks old as he spent every evening cluster feeding.

He’s going to have a shock when baby comes. You need to be a team effort to care for baby, looking after recovering Mum & keeping the house vaguely sanitary and everyone fed. Hopefully he will realise that pretty quick but I’m not sure.

Focus on looking after yourself and baby in the lead up to the birth. If your parents or friends can help out let them, especially if it’s filling your freezer with meals you can quickly reheat.

Why are you focusing on bins?

I'm out. This is weird. Good luck OP.

You are being gaslit. Marriage means taking care of each other. This is awful behaviour. And going on holiday with his friends while you are heavily pregnant?

Why is he having these holidays with mates when your about to drop

It can’t be equal.

he’s not pregnant. He’s not going to give birth.

if he wants equality then he needs to do far far more around the house to compensate for that. Otherwise it’s not fair.

@gamerchick why is it weird? It's a real issue for me

This is about so much more than just bins.

Can you tell your mum and/or your midwife everything you've said here?

OP, kindly-

What would you like from this thread?

You’ve been posting about your husband for months now and he gets worse with every update. He sounds horrific.

You’ve had sympathy and advice but the situation hasn’t improved. What do you think will help?

Not a day goes by on MN when I am not astounded by how shit some men are and how much shit some women will accept.

The sad thing is you've both chose to bring a child into this, either a girl who will grow up thinking this is what women are worth, or a boy who will grow up perpetuating this cycle.
That child deserves better, as do you.

What did you see in him when you married him ?
Presumably he must have something going for him ?

It's not unreasonable for him to do the bins, no. Does he think that job is somehow beneath him? What's his stance on nappies?

But at what point does he do his share of gestating and pushing out the baby?

@pleaseguveadvicenotattack
please, please save yourself years of feeling like this, and make your plans to leave. You have unfortunately married an enormous arse and he will not improve. He will get worse once the baby is here and you will have endless days like this, and waste your youth on him.
Seek legal advice, and start gathering information about his finances. Don’t tell him. It will take some time, but now is the time to start preparing. Good luck with the birth. Sorry you have to deal with this bullshit instead of focusing on yourself

@CraicBird I want to know
If I'm getting angry unessecarily

If he's kind to me in other ways does this situation really matter

I'm trying to work out if I'm being unreasonable

No. You are nowhere near angry enough.

Everything isn’t equal though is it because you’re the one who’s pregnant and he can’t take half of that - so clearly he needs to step up by taking other stuff off your hands.
Does he realise you’re growing an actual human in your body so are going to be more tired than usual? Also that you could permanently injure your back by doing too much in late pregnancy?

You're only being unreasonable by staying and putting up with this. The fact you're focusing on the bin issue when he is being manipulative, lazy and taking sod all interest in his unborn child is absolutely wild. This isn't a partner and definitely doesn't sound like any kind of worthwhile father either.

This is quite shocking. It doesn’t sound as though he even likes you.

Ignore that he didn't come to the scans?? The bins are the least of your problems.... he is an absolute wank stain and I can't believe you are focusing on the bins with all the other stuff you have said...

OP if you’re going to be solely responsible for the night shift (particularly to begin with when baby may cluster feed or wake every hour) is he going to do all the day shift? How’s that going to work with his job?

Did you talk about any of this sort of thing before you decided to try for a baby? Did you do all the cleaning and stuff like that before you got pregnant? Does he expect you slot the baby into your existing chores or does he realise there’ll be some rebalancing needed?

That sentence alone tells you everything you need to know about where his wife and child come in his heart and priorities.