Pregnant and partner doesn't want it, he already has two teenagers from past relationship

[katandtwocats]

I've just found out i'm unexpectedly pregnant, I've been on the pill though was very unwell with norovirus over the Christmas holidays immediately followed by the flu, have been under a-lot of stress, I literally just started a new job. I'm now about 7 -8 weeks.
I've been with my partner for almost two years, he already has two children from a previous relationship ages 11 and 15. He is 10 years older than me, i'm 37 he is 47.
About 9 months into our relationship he told me he didn't want any more children, which was total a shock to me at the time. I almost ended things then, as although I wasn't sure about children myself, I didn't want to close the door completely. It has just never been the right time for me and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship, thought I would have had a baby with him but so relieved I didn't in the end, so in my mind I'd put having my own children on hold. Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago, I didn't want to tell him. My mind jumped straight to abortion. I even thought about getting an abortion and not telling him as I was worried about his reaction. I contacted a clinic who is explained the process to me, and they offered me counselling, after talking to them I suddenly found the idea of abortion totally terrifying. I lied on the phone and told the clinic it was what I wanted, so they posted me the medicine. When it arrived I felt sick, burst into tears and have not touched it. It's sitting in the box unopened.

After talking to a close friend first, I decided to tell my partner about the pregnancy, he was of course shocked. He has completely freaked out.
The next day he emailed me (he does that sometimes) to tell me all the reasons why this can't happen and this isnt what he wants. He says he feels too old and tired, he's already lived that part of his life. He is worried he can't change jobs, he won't be able to retire or be able to afford sendings his two kids to University. He said it impacts their lives, he doesn't want to start a new family full stop. I feel like he's panicking and all his responses revolve around him and his kids. He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

This really upset me as he is so kind and caring normally. I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family. I feel like I will ruin his life and I am forcing it on him. Though I'm also worried, being 37 how much longer do I realistically have, my biological clock is ticking, maybe this my only chance. I don't want to throw away our relationship, to just go find some random guy on dating apps to have a baby with.

I feel like he will still support me, since he's saying he has to make all these sacrifices. I don't know what that will do to our relationship. I've seen what a devoted father he is to his own kids, he goes all soppy whenever he sees a baby. He hasn't mentioned abortion yet, but I know it's what he wants me to do. I'd be going against his wishes if I decide to keep it, I feel like i'd be getting the abortion for him and not for me. He just said he doesn't want to do it again, he doesn't want to start a new family.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him I think I want to keep it. I feel I could manage on my own, I'd need support from my family. I don't want to deprive his children from the opportunities he's promised. Am I being selfish to want to keep it?

What contraception was he using to ensure he didn't have more kids, if he doesn't want them?

If you want this baby, you have it. It's your body and your choice. And crucially he already has children and no one is denying him parenthood. It's quite likely you will split up if you're on different sides about this, but I'd still pick baby over man.

What do you want?

If you want the baby have the baby. Accept you will be alone. Dont make ridiculous promises like he wont have to be involved or pay. Just say that youre already pregnant and you are continuing with the pregnancy.

You are 37, pregnant, and want to have this child.
Are you prepared to do it alone ?
Tell him. let him leave if he needs to.
Congratulations. Try and enjoy but do make sure you are willing to do it alone .
Hope you can enjoy

If he felt so strongly about not having a baby (and he is entitled to feel that way) then he should have not been having sex, had a vasectomy or at the very least been doubling up on protection. Unless you had had a conversation where you both agreed that you would abort any unplanned pregnancy then why was he so blasé about the chances of conception?

I can absolutely understand why he wouldn't want a baby, but it's too late. You are already pregnant.
I am 100% pro choice but an abortion isn't a rewind button, it won't make the pregnancy not happen, it will just end the one you already have, and unless you are totally sure that is what YOU want I think you would massively regret caving to his wishes.
But I think you need to consider this relationship over whatever you choose. I don't see how you could continue with him if you do give in to his pressure to abort, and if you don't then you need to be prepared to he a single parent.

Have the baby if you want the baby. 37 isn’t time to be messing about with “maybe not this time”. There probably won’t be a next time.

You are 37. Your head is telling you this might be your last chance to have a baby. If you have an abortion for him, do you think your relationship will survive? Do you think you won’t resent or regret this decision? He has two children already so it’s easy for him to decide to have no more. I have two and I know I don’t know more. But you aren’t the one with two kids already.

Given what you say about being able to handle being a single mum and that you can get family support. Maybe ask your family what help they can give you?

If you can at all handle being a single mum, and you already know you want to be a mother, then I would say you should keep the baby.

You're conflating two different things.
Do you want the baby ? It sounds like you do. So you should have it.
How is your partner going to react ? Well, that's something you can't control, and you've enough on your plate with your own emotions without feeling obliged to manage his. Let him do it. So long as you appreciate that you may end up a single parent (which is fantastic btw, speaking from experience), then he'll react how he'll react and that's that.

*I'm a single parent by choice, I do have a partner now but they're not my children's parent and have no say in how I raise them. Which is how I want it. Children are happy and well adjusted, before anyone asks...

I can see where you’re both coming from. You are desperate for a baby and he’s trusted you to take the pill. He’s feeling betrayed and has been open and honest about not wanting another child.

I am firmly pro choice but for those who don’t want a child. It seems clear to me from your posts that you do want a baby and would hugely regret having an abortion. You have said you can manage alone if need be. Sounds like he would step up financially at least.

Realistically your relationship is not going to be the same as it was whatever you choose. If you abort you will resent him. If you have the baby he may well resent you (there is a chance he will come around but you shouldn’t rely on that). As a pp said an abortion is not a rewind button.

Remember that everyone who has sex without cast iron contraception (no contraceptive is cast iron and certainly the pill alone isn’t) is accepting the risk of having a child. You don’t need to feel guilty about the impact on him or his kids. He got you pregnant just as much as you got pregnant.

Do what is best for YOU and don’t do anything based on him and what he wants. Please.

Let's be honest - you're 37 - if you desperately want to be a mother , this is your chance. There isn't too many more years to play about with (harsh but true)

He doesn't sound like he's overly invested in you in the whole serious marriage/babies kind of way. I sense he's keeping his children and you at arms length with intention.

If he really didn't want anymore children, he could have put effort into ensuring he protected himself via condoms.

I'm not convinced you fell pregnant accidentally... But to be fair, i can't say I blame you. It's a terrifying thought to think you desperately want children and you're faced with the prospect of not having them.

Betrayed? The pill fails. Anyone who is serious about nit wanting children shoukd be taking responsibility for their choice . He doesn't seem to have done this..

If he pressures you to end the pregnancy you will forever resent him and the relationship ends.
If you continue the pregnancy he'll resent you and the relationship ends.
Either way the relationship you had is now over, so starting from that point do you want to continue this pregnancy?
Do you have financial security and emotional and practical support to go it alone? Is this man worth not continuing a much wanted pregnancy, knowing he could leave further down the line and have kids with someone else?
Is this relationship as solid as you believe as he hasn't introduced you to his teenagers yet, so is keeping you at arms length from being fully integrated in his life?
Start with what you want OP and don't count on any promises he makes right now.

As another posted said ‘I’m not convinced the pregnancy was accidental’ . I’m not shaming OP - I’m just saying he probably feels betrayed and yea he should have been more careful with condoms

It’s not often the right time to have a baby. If you want the baby keep the baby! I agree with other posts.. you can’t taken his parenthood away, so don’t feel he can impose this on you. He should have had vasectomy or his own contraception if he was adament he didn’t want children. I’m sick of it always being one sided, we all know how babies are made! This could be your only chance and it sounds like you want to continue the pregnancy. So continue. You may have to go at it alone. Good luck! I hope things work out for you.

Have the baby. Dump the man

Realistically though, the pill doesn't "fail", not really. There's always going to be someone who is the exception to that rule, but if you take it religiously it works. Even a bit of D&V for a day or 3 won't really stop it working. You've got a miss a good few pills to get up the duff! One pill missed will not make a difference. We just tell ourselves little white lies.

Plus there's 1-2 days per month a woman can actually get pregnant. 3-4 at a real lucky push. Day before ovulation, day of, and possibly 2 days before ovulation. Sperm can live a week yada yada, but realistically it doesn't, not really. So to miss 1 pill and find yourself pregnant on that particular time of a cycle (that's allegedly interfered with secondary to the pill) Is comparable to the Virgin Mary's miracle.

But yes you are right - he can use barrier methods for himself to make damn well sure it won't happen

pill doesnt work if youre sick or diarrhea it tells you in the leaflet

you ant force him to stay its up to you if you want to carry on with the pregnancy but best you'll probably get from him is maintenance

Lol at him trying to tell you this cant happen when he already did the thing that made it happen. If he didnt want to have any more children he should have had a vasectomy.
It's your call @katandtwocats but it looks like he will wont be part of the child's life.

its not true tat you miss a few pills to get pregnant i got pregnant wen i was ill

This is your decision and how it will impact your life - that is it. His email doesn’t seem to mention you at all

from your post it sounds as if you want the baby so have the baby

Have the baby, who knows it might be the only one you ever have. Your partner sounds very selfish.

There will always be people this happens to, but it's not on the scale it's alleged to.

"I missed 1 pill and he wore a condom" often translates to i missed a week's worth of pills accidentally on purpose and there was no condom

We lie to ourselves. Little white lies. If a woman badly wants children and is getting older, it's immoral of course, but I do understand why people accidentally on purpose get pregnant. It's just taboo to admit to it

Take him out of the equation for a minute. Imagine he doesn't exist. Imagine life as a single mother. Then imagine terminating the pregnancy and going on to live a childfree life. Would you regret terminating or would you be happy to be child-free?

It seems to me as if the relationship is probably over, and you can't let him influence your decision about this pregnancy - you need to make the decision based on what you want. If he chooses not to support you, that's his loss.