Pregnant and partner doesn't want it, he already has two teenagers from past relationship

[katandtwocats]

I've just found out i'm unexpectedly pregnant, I've been on the pill though was very unwell with norovirus over the Christmas holidays immediately followed by the flu, have been under a-lot of stress, I literally just started a new job. I'm now about 7 -8 weeks.
I've been with my partner for almost two years, he already has two children from a previous relationship ages 11 and 15. He is 10 years older than me, i'm 37 he is 47.
About 9 months into our relationship he told me he didn't want any more children, which was total a shock to me at the time. I almost ended things then, as although I wasn't sure about children myself, I didn't want to close the door completely. It has just never been the right time for me and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship, thought I would have had a baby with him but so relieved I didn't in the end, so in my mind I'd put having my own children on hold. Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago, I didn't want to tell him. My mind jumped straight to abortion. I even thought about getting an abortion and not telling him as I was worried about his reaction. I contacted a clinic who is explained the process to me, and they offered me counselling, after talking to them I suddenly found the idea of abortion totally terrifying. I lied on the phone and told the clinic it was what I wanted, so they posted me the medicine. When it arrived I felt sick, burst into tears and have not touched it. It's sitting in the box unopened.

After talking to a close friend first, I decided to tell my partner about the pregnancy, he was of course shocked. He has completely freaked out.
The next day he emailed me (he does that sometimes) to tell me all the reasons why this can't happen and this isnt what he wants. He says he feels too old and tired, he's already lived that part of his life. He is worried he can't change jobs, he won't be able to retire or be able to afford sendings his two kids to University. He said it impacts their lives, he doesn't want to start a new family full stop. I feel like he's panicking and all his responses revolve around him and his kids. He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

This really upset me as he is so kind and caring normally. I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family. I feel like I will ruin his life and I am forcing it on him. Though I'm also worried, being 37 how much longer do I realistically have, my biological clock is ticking, maybe this my only chance. I don't want to throw away our relationship, to just go find some random guy on dating apps to have a baby with.

I feel like he will still support me, since he's saying he has to make all these sacrifices. I don't know what that will do to our relationship. I've seen what a devoted father he is to his own kids, he goes all soppy whenever he sees a baby. He hasn't mentioned abortion yet, but I know it's what he wants me to do. I'd be going against his wishes if I decide to keep it, I feel like i'd be getting the abortion for him and not for me. He just said he doesn't want to do it again, he doesn't want to start a new family.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him I think I want to keep it. I feel I could manage on my own, I'd need support from my family. I don't want to deprive his children from the opportunities he's promised. Am I being selfish to want to keep it?

@C0RAL No one ever says “ I wish I had never been born because my father was older / wasn't around “.

And you've asked everyone with an elderly father this then have you? You clearly haven't met me yet.

And most of them are no doubt making their manipulative comments from the position of already having their own children.

I'm the same exact age as OP and childless.

I think you're right about men not liking older women. I've had markedly fewer responses on dating sites since turning 50, even though my photos and profile are the same. Men are so obsessed with having younger women. Fine by me though - my "advanced age" weeds out all the pricks!

@ThisFluentBiscuit good for you! Could even try younger men? I feel like they'd be more receptive strangely enough. My brothers both dated older women and were with them for years. Great relationships. It helped they weren't fussed about kids and the women were done having them-see THAT way round actually makes sense!

Interesting isn't it, that men are naturally more attracted to women of childbearing age, but then grumble when they bear children.

They can't have it both ways. Instinct drives them towards younger women. Logic and an eye to their bank balance makes them blame women for the inevitable results.

Your relationship is over either way.

You have an abortion and hate him over time with resentment, you are the one that ends it.

You have the child and he is resentful, he is the one that ends it.

Just decide regardless of relationship status if you want to raise a child totally solo plus depending on other factors don’t factor in guaranteed child support. Let’s be honest many reluctant Father’s dodge child support.

The misogyny in your post is unreal.

First, if he was 100% sure he didn't want anymore children he SHOULD HAVE HAD A VASECTOMY!! Why take that chance with a woman, when he can prevent it himself? After all, it's HIS SPERM.

Secondly she didn't do it on purpose. She was SICK and her contraception clearly didn't work.

Lastly, no one needs a father to 'walk them down the aisle' and give them away like they are chattel. This is 2025, where is the self respect?

Your whole post puts ZERO responsibility on the MALE whose sperm it is, and then suggests men own women and we are property for males to give us away to boot! Your whole entire post is disgusting misogyny from start to end.

Agreed. She wants a baby, and oh look the contraception failed.

She ordered ABORTION TABLETS and actually received them in the mail!! If it were not accidental, she wouldn't have bothered to even order the tablets, would she? 🙄 Use common sense! @SunflowerTed

The misogyny on this thread is absolutely fucking disgusting!

It's not for you to decide what I need. No one NEEDS a child either, it's 2025 don't you know, women aren't just broodmares anymore 🤔. Nothing in my post was misogynistic however you are VILE to say to someone who has lost their dad they didn't need them at any hypothetical stage of life. Not everyone treats fathers as disposable.

I didn't say she did it on purpose either. Other posters have said that's a possibility but find me where I said that? And where did I say women are property for males? You insinuated that because I would've liked a father during life's milestones? Aren't you nice, hope you don't treat your own kids like that when they lose a male family member.

If he didn’t want another child he shouldn’t have been dating a fertile woman 10 years his junior and relying only on the pill. He should have had a vasectomy.

I think you would regret an abortion - especially as it would only be to make him stay and that would mean you will never have a child as he doesn’t want one.

Keep it. Be prepared to be a single mum.

Am I being selfish to want to keep it

Parenthood is selfless.

Here we have a new mother to be and you are all squabbling over the facts.

It’s not helping OP decide.

I was raised as there’s always room for another baby in the family - they should be welcomed and accepted.

He has two children, they may not go to university, they may not want to. I don’t look at my two younger siblings and think ‘well if they weren’t here, I’d would have had XYZ, they are more important than stuff!’

Plenty of men don’t want more children, why do they get to decide? They don’t give up half of what woman give up in terms of career, lifestyle etc, they don’t get the choice.

Its your body your choice - if you want the baby, have it

But i think its realistic to expect he wont hang around and only pay CS if you keep the baby
There is no obligation for him to have anything more than a financial relationship with the kid
Going by his email, you wont get that fairytale ending playing happy families

I wouldn’t have a baby with someone who clearly doesn’t want to be its dad. When you have a baby you should want to give them the best start in life and that’s 2 parents that want it badly

Your whole post is misogynistic for all the reasons I've said, now you double down and call women broodmares and suggest we only have a child because we 'need' them and not because we want to.

I NEVER said you didn't need a dad, don't put words in my mouth! I said that suggesting you needed him to walk you down the aisle is misogynistic, which it is. We don't need our father to 'give us away'.

Sadly, many previously happily married fathers who were desperate to have children also dodge child support, as soon as they walk out on their wives and kids.

There are no guarantees with any man, young or old , married or single. The law in the Uk allows them all to avoid their responsibility if they want to.

I'd be tempted to keep the baby tbh

@ElizaDolittle4321 I know you WANT them, this whole thread is about the wants of women and not much else. Yeah your post was offensive so I was offensive back in order to prove a point which was obviously not what I really think (unlike you)

Really so no woman has a dad to walk them down the aisle now because it's misogynistic. Ok then. Of course it's not something the daughter might actually WANT herself. I could've just as easily said I never had a mum to help me plan my wedding or be there to watch, if roles were reversed. Besides, what I wanted for my own wedding has naff all to do with you.

OP I'm sorry for your situation and hope you manage to find peace, whatever final decision you make.

I'm just gonna say, I find it astonishing that a 47 year old man who doesn't want anymore children hasn't just had a vasectomy. Do they take no account of their own behaviour at all?

Honestly he doesn’t get a say in whether you have an abortion, that’s entirely your choice and the idea of it makes you feel sick. So congratulations on your pregnancy, enjoy it and enjoy your gorgeous baby.

I totally understand why he wouldn’t want to have more children. Makes perfect sense and he should probably have chosen to get the snip, which he didn’t.

Now the situation is as it is and he needs to decide what his role will be in relation to you and his new child. His retirement and provision for his older children are not your concern at this time. The pill failed and he was not taking control of his own fertility which is not your fault.

Obviously OP wants the baby. She should keep it. Life is rarely perfect and since no one has a crystal ball, OP has no way of knowing when, or if, she'll get the chance again. Everything will sort itself. It always does.
A million posts of, Why didn't he get a vasectomy? is both unhelpful and unoriginal. 🥱

The irony is that your whole entire post was misogynistic and deeply offensive and you haven't acknowledged that or apologised for it, and it is truly how you think and feel, which is disgusting. Victim-blaming, putting all the responsibility on women, and thinking women are property. Your posts are vile and disgusting.

Go and get yourself some therapy, this victim narrative isn’t healthy. Having a child with a slightly older than average dad isn’t cruel and selfish. Unfortunately parents can die at any age and some do not get to see their children grow into adulthood.

That is incorrect. I got pregnant whilst taking the pill religiously as I had done for many years. I also know of different women who have ended up pregnant whilst on the coil, injection or implant. Any contraception can fail which is why none are 100% effective

If you want the baby keep the baby. I agree with previous PP’s that the relationship will likely be over either way so you need to make the decision which is right for you.

I had my babies at 35 and 36 and I found it really tiring so please make sure that you take good care of yourself.

My father was a lot younger than 47 and he didn’t see me reach adulthood. Do you get angry with your mum about this @Firefly1987?