Pregnant and partner doesn't want it, he already has two teenagers from past relationship

[katandtwocats]

I've just found out i'm unexpectedly pregnant, I've been on the pill though was very unwell with norovirus over the Christmas holidays immediately followed by the flu, have been under a-lot of stress, I literally just started a new job. I'm now about 7 -8 weeks.
I've been with my partner for almost two years, he already has two children from a previous relationship ages 11 and 15. He is 10 years older than me, i'm 37 he is 47.
About 9 months into our relationship he told me he didn't want any more children, which was total a shock to me at the time. I almost ended things then, as although I wasn't sure about children myself, I didn't want to close the door completely. It has just never been the right time for me and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship, thought I would have had a baby with him but so relieved I didn't in the end, so in my mind I'd put having my own children on hold. Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago, I didn't want to tell him. My mind jumped straight to abortion. I even thought about getting an abortion and not telling him as I was worried about his reaction. I contacted a clinic who is explained the process to me, and they offered me counselling, after talking to them I suddenly found the idea of abortion totally terrifying. I lied on the phone and told the clinic it was what I wanted, so they posted me the medicine. When it arrived I felt sick, burst into tears and have not touched it. It's sitting in the box unopened.

After talking to a close friend first, I decided to tell my partner about the pregnancy, he was of course shocked. He has completely freaked out.
The next day he emailed me (he does that sometimes) to tell me all the reasons why this can't happen and this isnt what he wants. He says he feels too old and tired, he's already lived that part of his life. He is worried he can't change jobs, he won't be able to retire or be able to afford sendings his two kids to University. He said it impacts their lives, he doesn't want to start a new family full stop. I feel like he's panicking and all his responses revolve around him and his kids. He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

This really upset me as he is so kind and caring normally. I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family. I feel like I will ruin his life and I am forcing it on him. Though I'm also worried, being 37 how much longer do I realistically have, my biological clock is ticking, maybe this my only chance. I don't want to throw away our relationship, to just go find some random guy on dating apps to have a baby with.

I feel like he will still support me, since he's saying he has to make all these sacrifices. I don't know what that will do to our relationship. I've seen what a devoted father he is to his own kids, he goes all soppy whenever he sees a baby. He hasn't mentioned abortion yet, but I know it's what he wants me to do. I'd be going against his wishes if I decide to keep it, I feel like i'd be getting the abortion for him and not for me. He just said he doesn't want to do it again, he doesn't want to start a new family.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him I think I want to keep it. I feel I could manage on my own, I'd need support from my family. I don't want to deprive his children from the opportunities he's promised. Am I being selfish to want to keep it?

Exactly what I was thinking

You say that you don't believe 43% of marriages are unsalvageable. It's often not both partners in that 40%. But since it only takes one person to end it, the stats include marriages where one person didn't actually want the divorce. If we took only marriages where BOTH people equally wanted it to end, the stats would be a lot lower. That's how it gets to 43% - by many spouses having no choice.

You seem to think that lots of people get divorced because they just don't work hard enough at it. I know there are feckless idiots out there who get divorced for nefarious reasons, but I have to say, the few people I know who have got divorced have been through sheer hell flogging a dead horse for years trying to make it work. They sacrificed many of their best years and their physical and mental health for it. Sometimes divorce is the healthy choice.

As for social class, I agree with that. People with money and resources tend to divorce more often because they can.

I'm sensing some judgement from you about divorced people. Pride comes before a fall, you know. Many, many divorced people had an iron-clad commitment to their partners and never thought they would end up there. You really don't know why a given person got divorced, or what hell they went through with their spouse, so it's not really fair to judge divorced people as a whole.

@Neurodiversitydoctor my marriage was severe coercive control and abuse, from the offset. It was a textbook case of me being trapped and very quickly married/pregnant. It was the hardest fight of my life to get free from that, and I’m now a single mum. Should I have ‘tried harder’? Would my kids be better off living with their dad, who they had to watch bully their mum (and is a serial offender, I later learnt)?

The idea that I ‘should have known’ or could have chosen doesn’t apply to me, that isn’t how control works, and so I find your viewpoint frustrating. I would have loved to have been free to make better decisions.

As I said not easy to discus IRL. The social gradient is actually opposite to what you suggested. Louise Perry is good on this, as I said interesting.

And to be clear I don't think anyone should stay in an abusive relationship. But I find it difficult to believe that nearly half of all relationships are abusive.

They aren't. But there probably is nearly half where one partner has cheated. Or deceived. Or been abusive. Or neglectful. Or generally useless. Or died.

Your books are giving you statistics which can be used to prove anything you like. The people on this board are giving you real life experiences and you just flippantly dismiss them with a wave to a book or study.

I can understand his position. He’s older than you, already has children, doesn’t want any more children, he told you this early into the relationship and trusted you to be on the pill and take the pill reliably. BUT ultimately if he felt this strongly then he should have taken more responsibility for contraception. He could have used condoms or even had a vasectomy if he was that sure he was done. It’s now your body, your choice OP

Maybe not half are abusive, but divorce also happens when one person calls it quits or falls in love with someone else, meaning that their spouse has no choice in divorce. Then there are mental-health issues, and those are a huge reason for marital breakdown. Then a proportion of divorces will be for feckless reasons, of course. Then there are addiction issues, strain caused by in-laws, longterm and immovable neglect of spousal needs (the romantic equivalent of constructive dismissal). I can see how the figure gets to 43%. I have no idea how many of those divorces are for trivial reasons, but most people desperately want their marriages to work out.

As for the social class issue, can you provide a link to any stats on this? I know plenty of upper-middle-class people who are divorced. And 75% of the late Queen's children are divorced, as are many of the aristocracy. I'd be interested to see any stats that link lower social class to divorce.

Exactly, and often people don't take into account that abuse often starts only when you are well and truly trapped.

Anyway, as I said, pride comes before a fall....many has a blindsided person claimed that it would never happen to them....

The divorce lawyer James Sexton hilariously said that being married is like owning a lion: The chances are very high that someone is going to get really hurt.

@Neurodiversitydoctor

Well, you're not going to like this! 😂 There's a well-known divorce lawyer in NYC, James Sexton, who says that 56% of all marriages end in divorce.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/HaRYqJI90BU

@Neurodiversitydoctor

And that 56% is only the ones who get divorced. It doesn't take into account the ones who stay together miserably. Or who have a lacklustre marriage. Sexton says marriage is a technology that fails 76% of the time:

https://www.abc4.com/gtu/a-divorce-lawyer-says-marriage-just-doesnt-make-sense/

None of those studies actually take into account how much better kids with both parents staying together but miserable would do if their parents were separate but happy.

The meta studies I cited earlier found that even accounting for the effects of marital strife, kids do better in two-parent homes.

But how can they possibly know that child A wouldn't do better if their parents were happy but separate? Comparing child A and child B is apples and oranges. Even my sister and I have different levels of "success" as measured in those studies, and we came from the same, happy, two parent home.

What are they using to measure "success"? Do the children in the studies agree they are "less successful" in life than their two parent household counterparts? Would these children be any happier if they were more "successful" as per the measure in the studies?

Have all of those factors been accounted for?

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

Suggest you google for the studies/journal articles and read the methodology. There is a scientific approach.

I have a degree in science and work in an analytical field. Things like success and happiness cannot be measured using numbers or other scientific factors, because they are subjective. What I view as being successful or happy, you may not. What child A thinks makes them happy, child B may find makes them anxious.

I don't disagree that that ideal for any child is a happy home where both parents are in a healthy, functional relationship. But that isn't possible for everyone all of the time and what's best for each child and family will differ because people are individual.

Surely it should be partly about breaking negative intergenerational patterns. My abusive marriage was a continuation of my childhood, and was replicating the same dynamic for my children. That I’ve broken free and now give them a happy one parent home is a step forward.

Also, what looks like a happy two parent home often isn’t. My ex was using us all to fulfil some personal (bullying) need. We weren’t ’in a family’ so much as captives and grist for his mill.

I was going to say something like this. A relation of mine is like this - he gets into serious relationships with attractive younger women then is shocked when they want children.

Yes never let evidence get in the way of a good anecdote. Don't you know you have had enough of experts.

I can't help anyone who doesn't understand statistics, methodology and objective outcomes/measurements. The studies I have cited are from highly regarded institutions.

Statistics can be used to back up whatever you like. I spend my day pulling the statistics out of the data in front of me to make our teams case for whatever project we're proposing. What those institutions haven't included are the stats that don't back up what they're saying.

I can't help people who can't understand that statistics and methodology can't be used to definitively say that someone is happy or successful because that very much depends on that individuals own way of thinking.

I think you mean "don't let real life experiences get in the way of carefully selected statistics from a small population of people".

There's people here telling you that their kids are happier and safer than they were when they were with their partners. But what do they know when compared with numbers on a page, hey?

And these studies don't purport to reflect individual feelings; they are about statistical outcomes of measurable facets of life such as educational attainment, income, crime/incarceration, drug use/abuse, poverty, teen pregnancy, relationships, etc.

Dismissing decades of scholarly/scientific peer-reviewed research is ridiculous.

From the government paper published this month:

Given the internationally exceptional state of family breakdown in Britain, one could hypothesise that the
effects are becoming increasingly inconsequential. This is not the case: “parental separation lowers the
economic and psychological well-being of parents and diminishes the resources available to children, as
parental time, engagement and money are spread more thinly across households”.
106 The Child Poverty
Action Group estimated that the total costs of raising a child to the age of 18 in 2023 was £166,000 for
a couple and £220,000 for a lone parent.

Dismissing peoples actual experience is also ridiculous.

Of the people involved in the studies, there was a higher percentage of children from two parent households achieved higher grades, earned more money, were incarcerated less often, didn't admit to drug use, had less teen pregnancies and what was it about relationships? Claimed to have happier ones? Appeared to have more stable ones? Had less relationships? We're more likely to be in one? We're more likely to be happy single? How exactly do you "measure" relationships?

Does that mean that OP shouldn't have a child she's pregnant with, despite many people giving her their positive experiences of being single parents? Does that mean that if one partner walks away from a marriage, that child is automatically doomed?

Or, should the results of the studies be used as it was likely intended. To remind educational institutions to accommodate and accept children from all backgrounds. To encourage children from all backgrounds to go for the things they want to and not allow themselves to be disadvantaged. To try and make people be less judgemental and more accepting, meaning less people were disadvantaged?

My two best friends from university are from single parent families, I'm from a two parent. Both of them, their dad's walked out (another poster would suggest their mum's should have worked harder at the relationship). We all have a degree in the same subject from this university. We all have good jobs earning similar. We all own our homes. We all have a happy relationship. None of us have been incarcerated or have problems with drugs. No teen pregnancies here. So, on those stats, 66% of participants were disadvantaged children but 100% of them were as successful as the advantaged.

psychological well-being

Many people would tell you this got better when they came out of their relationship that was causing them pain.