Pregnant and partner doesn't want it, he already has two teenagers from past relationship

[katandtwocats]

I've just found out i'm unexpectedly pregnant, I've been on the pill though was very unwell with norovirus over the Christmas holidays immediately followed by the flu, have been under a-lot of stress, I literally just started a new job. I'm now about 7 -8 weeks.
I've been with my partner for almost two years, he already has two children from a previous relationship ages 11 and 15. He is 10 years older than me, i'm 37 he is 47.
About 9 months into our relationship he told me he didn't want any more children, which was total a shock to me at the time. I almost ended things then, as although I wasn't sure about children myself, I didn't want to close the door completely. It has just never been the right time for me and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship, thought I would have had a baby with him but so relieved I didn't in the end, so in my mind I'd put having my own children on hold. Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago, I didn't want to tell him. My mind jumped straight to abortion. I even thought about getting an abortion and not telling him as I was worried about his reaction. I contacted a clinic who is explained the process to me, and they offered me counselling, after talking to them I suddenly found the idea of abortion totally terrifying. I lied on the phone and told the clinic it was what I wanted, so they posted me the medicine. When it arrived I felt sick, burst into tears and have not touched it. It's sitting in the box unopened.

After talking to a close friend first, I decided to tell my partner about the pregnancy, he was of course shocked. He has completely freaked out.
The next day he emailed me (he does that sometimes) to tell me all the reasons why this can't happen and this isnt what he wants. He says he feels too old and tired, he's already lived that part of his life. He is worried he can't change jobs, he won't be able to retire or be able to afford sendings his two kids to University. He said it impacts their lives, he doesn't want to start a new family full stop. I feel like he's panicking and all his responses revolve around him and his kids. He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

This really upset me as he is so kind and caring normally. I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family. I feel like I will ruin his life and I am forcing it on him. Though I'm also worried, being 37 how much longer do I realistically have, my biological clock is ticking, maybe this my only chance. I don't want to throw away our relationship, to just go find some random guy on dating apps to have a baby with.

I feel like he will still support me, since he's saying he has to make all these sacrifices. I don't know what that will do to our relationship. I've seen what a devoted father he is to his own kids, he goes all soppy whenever he sees a baby. He hasn't mentioned abortion yet, but I know it's what he wants me to do. I'd be going against his wishes if I decide to keep it, I feel like i'd be getting the abortion for him and not for me. He just said he doesn't want to do it again, he doesn't want to start a new family.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him I think I want to keep it. I feel I could manage on my own, I'd need support from my family. I don't want to deprive his children from the opportunities he's promised. Am I being selfish to want to keep it?

Far too many men think it is ok to have a second round of children. Yours at least has the good sense to know it is a bad idea. The problem is he was massively irresponsible and didn’t take measures to prevent having more children if he knew he was done. He could have abstained. He could have had a vasectomy.

this is entirely your decision. No matter what choice you make, it will likely damage your relationship. It sounds like you want to have this baby. That he is a reluctant coparent isn’t your problem.

You wanted a child and had accepted you wouldn't have one with the relationship, because he was clear he didn't want any more children. Everyone knows the pill is less effective when you are ill, neither of you used additional precautions to prevent pregnancy. Active choice to get pregnant on both your parts.

Accept the relationship is over. He will need to financially contribute, much less than someone who didn't have other children already but he will still need to pay something.

Don't expect him to change his mind. He hasn't involved you in his children's lives and imo that was the right thing to do. Children don't need introduced to girlfriends or boyfriends. However, you may have to accept that he won't want a relationship with your child because of this. Unfair and ultimately wrong to not be involved with a 3rd child but it could be your reality.

If you are happy raising your baby on your own, with an absent father. Keep your baby.

It happened to me! Had diarrhea and vomiting, didn't miss taking any pills and got pregnant. I was young and had an abortion as it just wasn't the right situation but I still think about it. For OP at 37 it could be her last chance and it sounds like shes prepared to go it alone.

Honestly? Your relationship is over either way, you keep the baby and he leaves you, you have an abortion and you resent him to the point you hate him. So I’d say take him and his children completely out of the equation, what do YOU want?

I take it you don’t live together currently?

She did take the pill. He should be aware it can fail without feeling betrayed.

He had no business going out with someone so much younger without checking early on that you didn't want your own kids.

I am always surprised by the amount of men who say they are done with having children but then don't take the obvious step to do something about actually preventing it from their end, either through surgery or abstinence, or having sex with women who are in their fertile window.

Agree with others, but speak about it with someone else. It does sound like you want the baby but be prepared to be a single parent.

If you have an abortion that you don't actively fully want then you will likely really struggle after.
However, when making that decision it needs to be considering all possibilities. You may be a single parent, there's no guarantee he will bond with or have regular contact with the child.

I think it's wrong to put the idea about that women are getting pregnant in a somehow underhand way. It is perfectly possible to legitimately get pregnant on the pill if you're ill even when you take it religiously. Myself and others can vouch for that

If you feel you can manage, keep your baby.

I would.

I'm not saying it never happens.

But it doesn't happen as often as is alleged

With perfect use 3 in every 1000 women per year get pregnant on it.
With not perfect use (which includes severe stomach bugs) 7 in every 100 get pregnant.
It's absolutely not 100% even with perfect use though.

The man is the one who absolutely doesn't want a baby, therefore it's on him to make absolutely sure one cannot happen.

I don't know how often it's alleged but unless OP herself says that she did it on purpose I think we should take her word that it was an accident. He obviously should have taken care of things himself too so that it couldn't happen either way.

If he didn't want anymore kids, he should have taken responsibility to ensure it could never happen.Your body , your choice, it maybe the only chance you get to have a child.I wouldn't be expecting him to stick around, but I would make sure he contributed financially.

I stopped reading at "deep down I want to have the baby"
Your body your choice x

Admittedly, I should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him...

Consider your options.
You continue with this pregnancy
Will your relationship with this man survive?
If it doesn't are you prepared to be a single parent?
Co-parent with him?

You terminate this pregnancy
Will your relationship with this man survive?
Would you be happy being child free?
Do you want a man to start a family with you?

You have a lot to think about @katandtwocats .

Do YOU want the baby?
Do YOU think you could raise it by yourself?
If yes, then have the baby. He will either step up or ship out.

If HE doesn't want any more children then he should have either had the snip, wore a condom, or abstained. This was his responsibility to do and he failed so he's trying to deflect the blame onto you. Don't accept it.

Well fortunately, this isn't his decision to make. It's your body and your choice.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Realistically, this is likely your only opportunity to have a baby that you clearly want. There's no way I would abort in this circumstance.

If you abort, it will solely be for him. You'll go through the grieving process, feel guilt and most likely resent him over it. You'll likely regret aborting for the rest of your childless life. It'll ruin your relationship.

I have no sympathy for him whatsoever, everyone knows the pill doesn't work when you're ill, it says on the bloody enclosed leaflet to use extra contraception when ill. He's 47yrs old and didn't want more children, so he should have used a condom or got a vasectomy. This isn't on you.

You know you want the baby, I would simply reply to his email that you understand his view, however, the baby has already been conceived, and you are continuing on with the pregnancy, then ask him if he wants to continue in your relationship or if you need to make plans to separate and raise the baby alone.

This could be a case that once he realises you're serious at keeping it, he comes around and falls in love as soon as he holds his child. But if not, that's his loss. You'll be a wonderful mother with all the love in the world to give your child.

All the best x

I think op others are correct in that you did what you needed to do to take precautions, he did not. And thus he's been caught out essentially. Accidents happen, you won't be the first or last for this to happen to but he is responsible for himself just as you are and he could have been more careful if he was really adamant. I also agree that 9 months is far too long for him to announce he's no intention of having kids given your age and that you didn't have any yet. You say that you're a secret from his kids but you've been together 2 years - I'm all for going slow when kids are involved but it does make me query where he saw this relationship going long term. Did other people in his life know you existed?

I think ultimately you need to decide whether or not you're willing to have a baby on your own should he decide not to be involved and what support networks you have around you. Id also be thinking about what maternity package you're entitled to since you've just changed jobs and how financially secure you are if you need to take the time unpaid just so you have a clear idea of what you're working with. He is still responsible for paying for the child he helped to create so I wouldn't be suggesting you'll do without ANY input from him.

It's a really tricky one op because I think you've potential for regrets either way. You just need to decide which are the ones you can comfortably live with. And from what you've written here it sounds like you already know what that is. Nobody can tell you what to do on here, nor can he this is your decision.

Who would get into a relationship and spend it being abstinent the whole time tho...can't imagine either side would be happy with that. And if the pill can fail so can a vasectomy and condoms. Agree about the fertile window though, it's a massive shame men don't tend to like older women (in general) it would prevent this happening.

How do you even have sex when you're THAT unwell? Sounds like the last thing I'd want to be doing.

OP - at 37 it certainly is your last chance, realistically. (You could of course abort, break up and have unprotected sex with strangers on Tinder…)

In this situation - it is up to YOU. You need to decide, and it sounds like you want to have this baby.
The relationship will either survive or not. There are never guarantees. BUT - if you abort, it will definitely not survive, because you will resent him and it will eventually break it all.

He is in shock, he may or may not get over it. But the point is - if he didn't want more children, he should have used condoms, or better yet had a vasectomy. So 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Good luck with your pregnancy. Don’t let his selfishness sway you - you will never forgive yourself.

NO MAN, however perfect is worth giving up on having a baby that you want. Especially when this baby already exists….

And I am pro-choice. And, in your case - your choice clearly IS to keep this baby…

Also how can you have been shocked he didn't want anymore kids when his are a few years off adulthood and he was in his mid-40s...