Pregnant and partner doesn't want it, he already has two teenagers from past relationship

[katandtwocats]

I've just found out i'm unexpectedly pregnant, I've been on the pill though was very unwell with norovirus over the Christmas holidays immediately followed by the flu, have been under a-lot of stress, I literally just started a new job. I'm now about 7 -8 weeks.
I've been with my partner for almost two years, he already has two children from a previous relationship ages 11 and 15. He is 10 years older than me, i'm 37 he is 47.
About 9 months into our relationship he told me he didn't want any more children, which was total a shock to me at the time. I almost ended things then, as although I wasn't sure about children myself, I didn't want to close the door completely. It has just never been the right time for me and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship, thought I would have had a baby with him but so relieved I didn't in the end, so in my mind I'd put having my own children on hold. Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago, I didn't want to tell him. My mind jumped straight to abortion. I even thought about getting an abortion and not telling him as I was worried about his reaction. I contacted a clinic who is explained the process to me, and they offered me counselling, after talking to them I suddenly found the idea of abortion totally terrifying. I lied on the phone and told the clinic it was what I wanted, so they posted me the medicine. When it arrived I felt sick, burst into tears and have not touched it. It's sitting in the box unopened.

After talking to a close friend first, I decided to tell my partner about the pregnancy, he was of course shocked. He has completely freaked out.
The next day he emailed me (he does that sometimes) to tell me all the reasons why this can't happen and this isnt what he wants. He says he feels too old and tired, he's already lived that part of his life. He is worried he can't change jobs, he won't be able to retire or be able to afford sendings his two kids to University. He said it impacts their lives, he doesn't want to start a new family full stop. I feel like he's panicking and all his responses revolve around him and his kids. He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

This really upset me as he is so kind and caring normally. I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family. I feel like I will ruin his life and I am forcing it on him. Though I'm also worried, being 37 how much longer do I realistically have, my biological clock is ticking, maybe this my only chance. I don't want to throw away our relationship, to just go find some random guy on dating apps to have a baby with.

I feel like he will still support me, since he's saying he has to make all these sacrifices. I don't know what that will do to our relationship. I've seen what a devoted father he is to his own kids, he goes all soppy whenever he sees a baby. He hasn't mentioned abortion yet, but I know it's what he wants me to do. I'd be going against his wishes if I decide to keep it, I feel like i'd be getting the abortion for him and not for me. He just said he doesn't want to do it again, he doesn't want to start a new family.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him I think I want to keep it. I feel I could manage on my own, I'd need support from my family. I don't want to deprive his children from the opportunities he's promised. Am I being selfish to want to keep it?

It really gets my goat when men elect to settle down with a partner 10+ years younger than them and then deny their partner’s right to have a child. If he was so dead against it he would have had a vasectomy and found a partner with the same life goals or in the same stage of life.

I had my one and only baby at age 37 ( we weren’t sure if we wanted kids and had been together since university). As someone who couldn’t imagine being a mum/found kids very awkward I found parenthood to be the most wonderful, fulfilling, unique experience. I know it’s not like that for everyone though. My child is 9 now and I couldn’t imaging life without them. Knowing what I know now I think it’s cruel and selfish to deny someone the chance to be a parent if that’s something they think they want.

Given your age, this is likely your one chance to be a parent so please don’t feel pushed into doing something you might regret.

As selfish as it is you have this baby for you and nobody else. It’s your body and life most impacted no matter what he says he has to sacrifice. I terminated 12 years ago with an ex. It ended our relationship way before we ended and I only really healed since becoming a mum 3 years ago. Also like others have said what was he doing to protect himself? Why hasn’t he gone and got the snip?

Have the baby. If you have a termination it’s highly unlikely the relationship will survive and you will always resent him for not wanting you to have his baby.

This ☝🏻

I get the feeling you want to have the baby. So have the baby. You likely won't get this chance again (especially if you stay with him). I personally think you won't regret it.

Lol at him trying to tell you this cant happen when he already did the thing that made it happen. Mrsbloggz

I’m sick of it always being one sided, we all know how babies are made! barbiegirls

I just thought the above was worth repeating. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Your boyfriend sounds a bit rubbish, though.

The relationship is over, OP.

Either you keep the baby and he'll leave (maybe he'll stick around for a bit, but in a 9 month relationship, he's not exactly committed) or you'll terminate the pregnancy, resent him and leave yourself.

So, given that the long term prospect of the relationship are pretty much dead in the water, how do you want to progress? Single parent with a child you want or going solo and passing up the idea of parenthood?

Oh come on, this is on the OP. She's not being denied anything. She's known long enough that he doesn't want more kids. Besides it's obvious, he'd be pushing 50 by the time they'd be able to have two kids it's not like most men are jumping at the chance for more kids at that age is it? Plus second families are not exactly easy. And he's not denied her anything anyway, she's up the duff and looks like she's having it. He's allowed to put his view across, he's not even mentioned abortion.

And as the child of a dad who was 50 when I was born I tend to think having the child is more selfish and cruel...I've actually been denied a dad to walk me down the aisle and all sorts of other things. But that's ok I suppose.

Stop it. This is just rude and ill informed of you.

OP, what part of contraception did he part take in?
Was it all on you?
I can well understand his position on this as 47 is old, but he should have taken responsibility for preventing it.
Think about yourself and do you really want to go it alone, because my money is on you two not surviving this.
He really doesn't want to start again.
So prepare yourself for this.

Towards the end of life it isn’t the things you did as much as the things you did not do that you regret. The times when you felt you lacked the confidence to do something out of your comfort zone or things might not go to plan. Deciding to take a new path such as having a wanted child with the possibility you may need to do it as a single parent Isabel scary prospect but if having a child means enough to you then it’s worth it. Things generally have a way of working themselves out. If you had a miscarriage tomorrow would you regret it? If so you know what you need to do. A good relationship can be wonderful but few last a life time and then you are left with what?
Trust in your own ability to cope and enjoy the journey because it’s the easiest time in history to bean unmarried mother. Take care.

Gosh, some people on this thread have been up past their bedtime watching those Andrew Tate videos. I guess it's good to know what they're teaching on the medical courses at Hustlers' University. Don't think it should concern the OP though.

You knew he didn’t want more children. How reprehensible to saddle an offspring with an older, begrudging, disinterested parent. Did the two of you agree that you would handle contraception?

What a crock of shit. It’s immoral to produce offspring without two enthusiastic, consenting, prepared and loving parents.

I'm not surprised that he doesn't want another at 47 and I can imagine how aghast he might be at the thought of going through it all again while his friends are looking at the prospect of being grandfathers.

He has the right not to want more children.

And yet ... Does he use condoms / has he had a vasectomy to ensure no more children? Funny, that.

You have the right to want children.

If you end a pregnancy you want you'll never forget it or forgive him. It could destroy the relationship anyway.

If you keep the baby it may end the relationship. If you stay together he may resent you and the baby and you'll have a child unwanted by their father.

If you end the relationship and keep the baby you'll have to pursue him for maintenance.

So which do you want most?

If he didn't want anymore children, why didn't he have a Vasectomy???

Ask him that. He probably thought he'd get away with making the women take all the contraception and all the risk, the lazy misogynist!

I'd tell him going forward he needs to have a vasectomy if he wants to have sex with you again. Like fuck should we women have to do ALL the contraceptive work when that means taking hormones, chemicals and implants. WHY can't these lazy and selfish men have one quick snip that takes less than 20 minutes and lasts forever? Time we pushed back as it's their sperm so should be their responsibility.

Keep the baby. He will either come round to the idea or not but don't make a decision based on this relationship. Him not having his kids involved with you or ar a distance is a red flag for me.

@ElizaDolittle4321 - probably because a significant proportion of men are ridiculously squeamish about it.

That’s exactly why I mentioned in my post that if he knows he’s completed his family he should have had a vasectomy. Not getting a girlfriend quite a bit younger than him (different life stage) would also have made it a lot less likely he would be in this situation too. If the boyfriend had taken responsibility for his own contraception she wouldn’t be pregnant in the first place.

The issue about not wanting anymore kids is something they need to sort out early on but I can understand that conversation gets neglected and the OP wasn’t sure what her stance was.

You may be right about you not wanting an “old dad”, perhaps your mum should have aborted you then. Good thing one or both of them decided otherwise.

This. If he wanted to stop at the two he already has, he should have had a vasectomy or avoided sex or used condoms. Where is his responsibility?

One hundred percent agree with this. Ignore him; he's had children and he doesn't get to deny you this. If he was so concerned about not having more children, then he was very welcome to get the snip. It takes two and the Pill is far from infallible.

I would choose a baby over a man every time, if I had to choose. This baby will be in your life for the rest of your life. You can't say that about any man, especially not yours, since he's ten years older than you. Even if you stay together, you could easily be widowed in your late forties or late fifties, since plenty of people die of cancer or heart attacks in their fifties and sixties. If you have this baby, you won't be alone.

And I agree that this is probably your last chance. Even if you split up tomorrow, how long does it take to find someone else suitable?

Another option is to have your eggs frozen to give you more time, if you did abort and then split up, but at your age there's no guarantee that you would get a good harvest. Plus it's expensive.

Bottom line: If you really want this baby, then you keep it!

What @minipie said.

And ignore all the “ you are saddling your baby with an older, uninvolved father“ nonsense . No one ever says “ I wish I had never been born because my father was older / wasn't around “.

Yes in some perfect world , you wouldn’t be pregnant, you could leave him, meet some wonderful younger man tomorrow , marry him next year when you are 38 and immediately conceive and have a baby at 39 and another at 41. And of course you would stay happily married for the rest of your lives and he would be a wonderful father.

But we don’t live in that perfect world and none of these posters urging you to “do what he wants otherwise you are a meanie “ is able to guarantee you any of the above. And most of them are no doubt making their manipulative comments from the position of already having their own children.

So please don’t terminate this pregnancy unless it’s what you really want. And you can live with that choice, even if your partner leaves you and you don’t meet anyone else in time to have children.

Ohh, but his precious pee-pee needs to be free of the nasty latex, don't you know! Big Man needs to feel every last quiver of pleasure, but it's still not his fault when a baby pops up!

Op, I found myself in much the same situation when I was older than you.

I chose to go ahead, knowing that if the relationship failed, I had a secure home and a career and could raise a child myself.

DS is now 16, calm, happy, well balanced, with a clutch of good gcses.. He sees his dad most weeks but lives with me full time. I have never regretted my decision. My ex is fond of his child in a sort of hands-off grandfatherly way. He contributes financially but leaves everything else to me.

It isn't perfect but much better than a lot of other families, married or not.

Happy families come in all shapes and sizes. Ignore the reactionary types on here. You can be a fantastic mum.

I'd advise two things, having been through 17 years of it. Make a conscious effort to improve your fitness, before and as soon as you have recovered, after the birth. You will need lots of energy and need to maintain your health.

Secondly, if the relationship fails, you will be both mum and dad to your child so be ready to teach swimming, cycling, football, den building, camping. Whatever else, you won't be bored. 😊 My DS has been a source of endless joy and humour. I have done hundreds of things I would never have experienced without him.

Congratulations and good luck.

The pill only failed because she was sick. The least the OP could've done was say "hey I'm sick right now maybe we shouldn't have sex or you should wear a condom as the pill might be less effective" not hard is it. Vasectomy isn't 100% either. Why are you not focusing on the OP choosing someone around her own age to have kids with instead of a middle aged guy with a family already? They're both at fault for choosing completely incompatible partners.

Of course it was my mum who chose to continue the pregnancy, it always is! Can't say I'd be bothered about the alternative, it's not like I'd know anything about it and it would've saved me a lot of grief.