Pregnant and partner doesn't want it, he already has two teenagers from past relationship

[katandtwocats]

I've just found out i'm unexpectedly pregnant, I've been on the pill though was very unwell with norovirus over the Christmas holidays immediately followed by the flu, have been under a-lot of stress, I literally just started a new job. I'm now about 7 -8 weeks.
I've been with my partner for almost two years, he already has two children from a previous relationship ages 11 and 15. He is 10 years older than me, i'm 37 he is 47.
About 9 months into our relationship he told me he didn't want any more children, which was total a shock to me at the time. I almost ended things then, as although I wasn't sure about children myself, I didn't want to close the door completely. It has just never been the right time for me and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship, thought I would have had a baby with him but so relieved I didn't in the end, so in my mind I'd put having my own children on hold. Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago, I didn't want to tell him. My mind jumped straight to abortion. I even thought about getting an abortion and not telling him as I was worried about his reaction. I contacted a clinic who is explained the process to me, and they offered me counselling, after talking to them I suddenly found the idea of abortion totally terrifying. I lied on the phone and told the clinic it was what I wanted, so they posted me the medicine. When it arrived I felt sick, burst into tears and have not touched it. It's sitting in the box unopened.

After talking to a close friend first, I decided to tell my partner about the pregnancy, he was of course shocked. He has completely freaked out.
The next day he emailed me (he does that sometimes) to tell me all the reasons why this can't happen and this isnt what he wants. He says he feels too old and tired, he's already lived that part of his life. He is worried he can't change jobs, he won't be able to retire or be able to afford sendings his two kids to University. He said it impacts their lives, he doesn't want to start a new family full stop. I feel like he's panicking and all his responses revolve around him and his kids. He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

This really upset me as he is so kind and caring normally. I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family. I feel like I will ruin his life and I am forcing it on him. Though I'm also worried, being 37 how much longer do I realistically have, my biological clock is ticking, maybe this my only chance. I don't want to throw away our relationship, to just go find some random guy on dating apps to have a baby with.

I feel like he will still support me, since he's saying he has to make all these sacrifices. I don't know what that will do to our relationship. I've seen what a devoted father he is to his own kids, he goes all soppy whenever he sees a baby. He hasn't mentioned abortion yet, but I know it's what he wants me to do. I'd be going against his wishes if I decide to keep it, I feel like i'd be getting the abortion for him and not for me. He just said he doesn't want to do it again, he doesn't want to start a new family.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him I think I want to keep it. I feel I could manage on my own, I'd need support from my family. I don't want to deprive his children from the opportunities he's promised. Am I being selfish to want to keep it?

Congratulations! It is more than apparent that you want this baby. Coerced abortion and abortions for the convenience of men are illegal in the U.K. so put the idea that abortion is an option out your head. The only way you can procure one is by lying and hurting yourself. Doing that would end your relationship. Tell him you are having the baby and you hope very much that he will be the gentleman he has shown himself to be during your two years together by manning up and taking responsibility for his child.

He can't make you have an abortion but you can't make him accept you and the baby as a part of his family.

The sad truth is that if you want a baby and he doesn't, you are incompatible.

If you weren't already pregnant, the best advice would be to end the relationship and prioritise having a child, either with a man who also wants them or using a sperm donor. But you are pregnant, the baby already exists, and you're right, this might be your only chance to have a child.

If your partner wasn't willing to even contemplate the idea of having another child, he should have used condoms or got a vasectomy.

So make your decision based on what you want. But base it on whether you want to have a child as a single mother. Don't base it on a vision you have of all being a family together and him being an involved and loving father, because he might not be.

That's true, but what's so disadvantaged or adversarial about this situation? OP has said she wants a child and can manage on her own, with family support. It sounds like the child will be loved.

Both adults will need to come to an agreement (either the father wants to be involved with the child, or he doesn't) but that doesn't have to be particularly adversarial.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and sorry you are in this difficult position.
Are you sure you are not the OW? Some things you mentioned, like never meeting his kids in two years and being kept a secret and the emailing sound very suspect to me! Have you been to his house and met family and friends?

He doesn’t want a baby, that won’t change with time. Your options are tell him you are continuing with this and his involvement/continuation of the relationship is up to him. Abort the baby and stay with him, but know that you won’t have a family - I would be cautious of this if it was me because I know that at first I would be ok but as time passes I would resent this, and I would have possibly left it too late to move on. Leave him now and find someone else that does want the same as you.

No, you’re not selfish to want to keep the baby! If you want this baby, keep it. Personally I don’t think your relationship will go anywhere after this. He’ll think you did it on purpose even if you have an abortion, and he’ll worry you’ll ‘do it again’ - ie get pregnant. He’ll then decide you’re not worth the risk and leave you anyway. Why end your chance of a child for that?

Tell him it was an accident and explain why, but also tell him you feel unable to terminate this pregnancy. It’s up to him what he does then. If he didn’t want any more children, he could have had a vasectomy.

Don’t let him ruin your chance of parenthood if you want this baby x

First of all, congratulations. If he didn’t want another child he should have had a vasectomy, but to late now as your already pregnant. It’s your body, your baby, your choice. Think about how you would feel if you chose not to have your baby for him! Would it cause you to look at him and resent him? Every time he went off spending time with HIS kids, would think about your baby, you would be left out in the cold, he’d be playing happy daddy. If YOU want your baby, then you have it. It will be your last chance if you decide to stay with him. If your relationship ends, you would have to be in another relationship (if you don’t want to go solo) where you would actually want to have a baby with them. That would be years from now, and potentially be too late. I have 3 DC, which I have brought up basically on my own. It’s not easy, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I wish you well and hope the choice you make will be to look at a beautiful bundle of joy in 7 months that will be in your life forever. If that is of course what you want. x

I beiieve that in your position, at 37, I would have the baby but you must be able, and prepared, to do it alone. Only you can decide if you are up to that, you say nothing about your job or your housing and both are relevant.

Your boyfriend is panicking at the moment but when he calms down he probably will be supportive up to a point and interested in his child, after all he did nothing to prevent pregnancy. However, realistically, he won't be maintaining you and the baby, you'll be doing the bulk of that.

You have a lot to think about and I wish you well whatever happens.

Realistically, this is your only chance to be a mum.

This. When you are well you should abstain or use contraception as if you weren't taking the pill. You're old enough to know by now it is it 100% when you're unwell.

I think it is selfish to have this baby knowing there is a good chance they will grow up without a father who wanted them and is involved.

It's not surprising he doesn't want anymore children, he's pushing 50 with two teenagers. Any plans of retiring at 60 ( if he had them) are gone . There's nothing you can do to make him want another child, he feels how he feels.
Either way, I agree with others that the relationship won't survive, whatever decision you make.

Keep the baby, keep talking to him, if he is as decent a person as you say he is, he will come round. If he doesn’t want involvement then that’s fine- although the doesn’t get to escape financially.

If he is serious about not wanting more children then he shouldn’t be sleeping with women until he has had a vasectomy- anything else is just playing with fire.

Have the baby. You clearly want it, and it's just as much his fault you're pregnant as it is yours, so you have absolutely no need to feel guilty for the impact on him. He could have worn condoms or, god forbid, dated a woman his own age who was significantly less likely to get pregnant.

You may have to accept that it's the end of your relationship and you'll be a single parent. If this is the case, make sure he pays child support. He can't weasel out of that just because he wants to pay for his older two to go to university.

They've been together for 2 years. Not months in. The contraceptive pill has a high rate of failure. The flu and various infections knocks your immune system, this affects the pill. Taking antibiotics is notorious for disabling the active ingredients in the contraceptive pill. Many 'pill babies' happened because the mother was taking antibiotics. no. The contraceptive pill is 99.9% accurate if taken correctly.

Your point about antibiotics/infections making it less effective is precisely the point. The OP knows that having an illness made her pill less effective but didn’t take other precautions. And if she didn’t know then she’s stupid for not having read the instructions in the packet.

If someone gets pregnant while on antibiotics then it’s not a contraceptive failure, it’s a failure of the taker to use it properly.

Added to which she’s never met his children and he doesn’t want her to, he’s told her he doesn’t want children, and yet she still couldn’t be bothered to use the pill correctly.

I’m not convinced this wasn’t a ploy on the OP’s part to force his hand two years in this clearly isn’t a serious relationship for him if he’s never introduced his children and has confirmed he has no plans to. OP knew this.

If I was you I’d have the baby. If you want to be a mother, plenty of amazing mums do it alone. If you go through with a termination you don’t really want, you may well regret it as you say you want the baby.

🌺

It's not selfish to want to keep the baby.

However, you do have to think about the implications for your child of having a father who doesn't want them. Is that the sort of world you want to bring a child into?

He may feel/ behave differently about this child than he does about his existing children, and that could cause a lot of damage emotionally to your child.

If he is serious about not wanting more children then he shouldn’t be sleeping with women until he has had a vasectomy- anything else is just playing with fire. If she is serious about not having children then she should be sterilised or abstain otherwise she is playing with fire.

Funny how that phrase only seems to apply to the man isn’t it?

Man doesn’t insist on extra contraception: it’s his fault for assuming the woman is using her contraception.

Woman doesn’t take her contraception properly and gets pregnant? It’s the man’s fault for trusting her to take proper contraception.

At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter at this point whose "fault" it was.

OP is pregnant and there is a potential child in the picture. A child isn't something you blame on someone or other. A child is not a punishment for failing to take adequate precautions. A child is a person.

Any decisions need to be based on that child, with them at the centre, and considering what their potential life is going to be like.

This child is very likely to have a father who doesn't want them and will treat them differently to their siblings.

Not his choice, imo. As on a previous similar post, I’d fear for the future of the relationship but this is probably your best chance of having a baby. If you were to have an abortion, would you end up massively resenting him? Why has he not had a vasectomy if he was so determined not to have more children? Why is it so often down to the woman then the bloke makes out it was not his decision?!

Men who don’t want babies shouldn’t have unprotected sex.

It is clear you really want this child, so don’t let him bully you out of it. Do you have support close by? It’s really odd his kids haven’t met you after two years.

Tell him you are having the baby with or without him, the ball is in his court.

Why has he not had a vasectomy if he was so determined not to have more children? Why is it so often down to the woman then the bloke makes out it was not his decision?

Abstinence is also an option for him.

You have to make a quick decision do you want this child to be in a one parent family, I personally wouldn't. You might. Its very hard work doing it well, there's no time for you, all the responsibility to raise them well not just manage is really hard. Juggling jobs, running them everywhere they are not cute babies long. Is that the best you want for your child.If the answer is yes I want this, good luck.
a lot of women and men have this strong biological urge to reproduce, to satisfy
that feeling as they might not have net a suitable partner they go solo. Any man who goes into a relationship because the partner at that time is pregnant will resent it.

I know teo people who got pregnant when they took other nedication and the pill failed so know this to be true.
Your 37, pregnant and want the baby. Keep it.
Your partner will do what he does. Your body, your choice. Also his choice to step up or walk away. Sounds like he will come round and step up eventually to be some sort of parent as you have said he is not generally an arse hole.
Your relationship may ot may not survive.

She clearly DIDN'T KNOW it wouldn't work when she was unwell.

It is NOT 'selfish' to have a child without the father on the scene. They are not needed. You are deeply offensive and insulting to single mums @2025willbemytime .

Congratulations @katandtwocats
I had an accidental baby on my own. Family disowned me, the father spouted long and loud how he wasn't the father blah blah.
I never regretted it for a second.
Just make up your mind that you are now facing single parenthood. You only have one life. This is it. No reruns. No do overs. And when it comes to babies, this could be your one chance.
Very best of luck x