Pregnant and partner doesn't want it, he already has two teenagers from past relationship

[katandtwocats]

I've just found out i'm unexpectedly pregnant, I've been on the pill though was very unwell with norovirus over the Christmas holidays immediately followed by the flu, have been under a-lot of stress, I literally just started a new job. I'm now about 7 -8 weeks.
I've been with my partner for almost two years, he already has two children from a previous relationship ages 11 and 15. He is 10 years older than me, i'm 37 he is 47.
About 9 months into our relationship he told me he didn't want any more children, which was total a shock to me at the time. I almost ended things then, as although I wasn't sure about children myself, I didn't want to close the door completely. It has just never been the right time for me and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship, thought I would have had a baby with him but so relieved I didn't in the end, so in my mind I'd put having my own children on hold. Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago, I didn't want to tell him. My mind jumped straight to abortion. I even thought about getting an abortion and not telling him as I was worried about his reaction. I contacted a clinic who is explained the process to me, and they offered me counselling, after talking to them I suddenly found the idea of abortion totally terrifying. I lied on the phone and told the clinic it was what I wanted, so they posted me the medicine. When it arrived I felt sick, burst into tears and have not touched it. It's sitting in the box unopened.

After talking to a close friend first, I decided to tell my partner about the pregnancy, he was of course shocked. He has completely freaked out.
The next day he emailed me (he does that sometimes) to tell me all the reasons why this can't happen and this isnt what he wants. He says he feels too old and tired, he's already lived that part of his life. He is worried he can't change jobs, he won't be able to retire or be able to afford sendings his two kids to University. He said it impacts their lives, he doesn't want to start a new family full stop. I feel like he's panicking and all his responses revolve around him and his kids. He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

This really upset me as he is so kind and caring normally. I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family. I feel like I will ruin his life and I am forcing it on him. Though I'm also worried, being 37 how much longer do I realistically have, my biological clock is ticking, maybe this my only chance. I don't want to throw away our relationship, to just go find some random guy on dating apps to have a baby with.

I feel like he will still support me, since he's saying he has to make all these sacrifices. I don't know what that will do to our relationship. I've seen what a devoted father he is to his own kids, he goes all soppy whenever he sees a baby. He hasn't mentioned abortion yet, but I know it's what he wants me to do. I'd be going against his wishes if I decide to keep it, I feel like i'd be getting the abortion for him and not for me. He just said he doesn't want to do it again, he doesn't want to start a new family.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him I think I want to keep it. I feel I could manage on my own, I'd need support from my family. I don't want to deprive his children from the opportunities he's promised. Am I being selfish to want to keep it?

When you consider the official failure rate of marriages - i.e. those that actually end in divorce - and then consider that there's a proportion who are unhappy but don't divorce, you have to wonder why anyone would get married, except to have children.

I think I understand the point you are trying to make, but I really hope you don't work with statistics.

The paper I reffered to published as I said this week by a government think tank. Talks about " an exceptional level" of family breakdown in the UK compared to our European neighbours. Also much more prevelant in certain ethnic groups. Are other nationalities less abusive/ adulterous or useless than the British ? Are there really significant differences in these traits between different ethnic groups ?

It's become more acceptable to leave a marriage in Britain. In other cultures/countries/ethnicities it is still less acceptable.

My grandmother, for example, stayed with my grandfather despite him having an affair and being cold and cruel to her. These days he'd probably be labelled as emotionally abusive. But she stayed because they'd made vows and divorce "wasn't the done thing". She was 19 when they married and they were married for 65 years. If a woman who was 19 when she married 5 years ago and her husband was cruel to her, no one would bat an eye lid if she left that relationship. People would now actively encourage it. In other cultures, they wouldn't.

Editing to add, I use statistics to make our points in papers I write for the team. I am aware that the %s I quoted in a previous post were not scientific. I was deliberately quoting something poor to point out they can be pulled from anywhere to do any job you need them to.

I agree, what we seem to disagree on is that it is an unequivocally good thing....

You seem to be adamant that all children are better off in a two parent household, regardless of whether those two parents are happy.

I agree that the best thing for a child is for them to have two happy, functional parents, ideally in a healthy, happy relationship under the same roof. But ideal isn't a thing all people can have. So regardless of what these studies show, I believe it's best for children to have a happy, stable home. And for some, that means one parent and maybe less money.

Regardless of what the studies show....ok then.-like lung cancer in the '50's,

I simply trust the evidence.

And by doing so, you're saying you think children are better off in a miserable, unstable home as long as they've got two parents there.

What some people need to realize and understand is that if you stay in an unhealthy marriage for the “sake of the children”, yes they will definitely be better off financially, and other ways listed in the data (if we even can agree it’s correct) but they will be witnessing and learning unhealthy behaviors daily which they will bring to their next relationships and to the next generation. This has to stop.
They may be learning how to be controlling and domineering to a partner. They may be learning that it is acceptable to be dominated and controlled by a partner. This is really not conducive to society evolving in the right direction.

They might also be learning comprimise ans conflict resolution. Dd is 18 she said that the fact DH and I apologise to each other has helped her with friendships at school.

But that's what you do in a healthy functional, adult relationship. Disagree, discuss, resolve. Apologise for being a dick occasionally. Not the same as a relationship where you're both constantly miserable, and children learning that it's normal for a relationship to be unhappy, or for a woman to be unhappy in a relationship or a man to always be looking for an excuse to be out of the house.

Unfortunately some partners do not want to be in a healthy, equal relationship. They do not want to learn conflict resolution, they do not want to change, they want things their way. Often one partner is just selfish that way. Or they have a mental health issue that they refuse to address. That’s the reality. You’re lucky if you haven’t been in that type of relationship.

Oh come on. There is a massive difference between healthy conflict and unhealthy conflict. I left my ex when my 2 yr kept repeating "Mummy fuck off" because his dad did, if I had left it a few more years then what? He would of been pushing me up against the wall by my throat because Daddy did. My son who is now a lot taller than me and a lot stronger.

Your comments about learning to compromise are just utterly ridiculous in this case. What else did I have to endure so the that "single parent hate brigade" was satisfied I left for a good enough reason?

Oh but the studies show that kids are better off with both parents. Shame on you for not allowing your ex to treat you that way 🙄.

Go with the numbers, or with what's best for your individual circumstances? I wonder which most people will do?

(To be clear, well done for walking away from that, in my opinion much better a sole parent than a battered one).

I think @Neurodiversitydoctor is a really interesting insight into how the stats just don’t capture the kind of degrading and abusive behaviour that occurs in a lot of marriages. It all ends up looking like ‘divorce’ to someone rational outside looking at the big picture. It’s a real insight into how abuse gets normalised and rendered invisible.

Exactly this. My ex was actually brought up in a two parent household where we highly suspect from what we saw that his dad was abusive to his mum, he also has memories of being beaten up by his Dad himself.
He went on to have a history of DV against all his partners (this was before Clare’s law). But his parents were together and I suppose he did say sorry and promise it wouldn’t happen again, so you know, he really is the one that got away 🙄. Our son really missed out watching this happen as he grew up 🙄🙄🙄

Tell me you know little about science without telling me.
I got pregnant missing ONE pill.
It is not uncommon.
Furthermore,.I didn't even have to wait until my first missed period to recognise that something "was up" so quick did my body start to feel different.
I then waited a couple weeks after that missed period to confirm what I l knew.
Thankfully, my now thirty odd year old daughter's dad is in her life and did not cry abortion on finding out I was pregnant.
And I took my fertility very seriously from them and even more so in my perimenopausal mid fifties era.
Because I'm not about that baby and future grandbabies all the same generation life.