Pregnant and partner doesn't want it, he already has two teenagers from past relationship

[katandtwocats]

I've just found out i'm unexpectedly pregnant, I've been on the pill though was very unwell with norovirus over the Christmas holidays immediately followed by the flu, have been under a-lot of stress, I literally just started a new job. I'm now about 7 -8 weeks.
I've been with my partner for almost two years, he already has two children from a previous relationship ages 11 and 15. He is 10 years older than me, i'm 37 he is 47.
About 9 months into our relationship he told me he didn't want any more children, which was total a shock to me at the time. I almost ended things then, as although I wasn't sure about children myself, I didn't want to close the door completely. It has just never been the right time for me and i've ended up in bad relationships. I'd come out of a toxic 13 year relationship, thought I would have had a baby with him but so relieved I didn't in the end, so in my mind I'd put having my own children on hold. Admittedly should have discussed life goals with new boyfriend, but it was so refreshing to be with somebody I finally had so many shared interests with. By the time he told me didn't want more children, it was too late, I'd already fallen for him and wasn't ready for another break up.
We've had a great year together since. He is loving, caring and we enjoy each others company going out together and staying in. I don't really know his children though, he keeps them separate from our relationship, he says he wants to introduce me in his own time and I've been patient with that. To be honest I enjoy it just me and him, but I find it difficult being a secret.

I found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago, I didn't want to tell him. My mind jumped straight to abortion. I even thought about getting an abortion and not telling him as I was worried about his reaction. I contacted a clinic who is explained the process to me, and they offered me counselling, after talking to them I suddenly found the idea of abortion totally terrifying. I lied on the phone and told the clinic it was what I wanted, so they posted me the medicine. When it arrived I felt sick, burst into tears and have not touched it. It's sitting in the box unopened.

After talking to a close friend first, I decided to tell my partner about the pregnancy, he was of course shocked. He has completely freaked out.
The next day he emailed me (he does that sometimes) to tell me all the reasons why this can't happen and this isnt what he wants. He says he feels too old and tired, he's already lived that part of his life. He is worried he can't change jobs, he won't be able to retire or be able to afford sendings his two kids to University. He said it impacts their lives, he doesn't want to start a new family full stop. I feel like he's panicking and all his responses revolve around him and his kids. He is also worried his kids will lose trust in him.

This really upset me as he is so kind and caring normally. I think deep down, I want to have the baby and I want him to accept me as a part of his family. I feel like I will ruin his life and I am forcing it on him. Though I'm also worried, being 37 how much longer do I realistically have, my biological clock is ticking, maybe this my only chance. I don't want to throw away our relationship, to just go find some random guy on dating apps to have a baby with.

I feel like he will still support me, since he's saying he has to make all these sacrifices. I don't know what that will do to our relationship. I've seen what a devoted father he is to his own kids, he goes all soppy whenever he sees a baby. He hasn't mentioned abortion yet, but I know it's what he wants me to do. I'd be going against his wishes if I decide to keep it, I feel like i'd be getting the abortion for him and not for me. He just said he doesn't want to do it again, he doesn't want to start a new family.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to tell him I think I want to keep it. I feel I could manage on my own, I'd need support from my family. I don't want to deprive his children from the opportunities he's promised. Am I being selfish to want to keep it?

I don't feel deeply sorry for him. He wanted to date a woman 10 years younger than him - he was unlikely to have this problem with a woman his own age. He didn't tell her he didn't want any more children until they were 9 months in - he knew she was a mid thirties woman who might well want children. A decent man would have told her that a lot sooner rather than wasting all that time while her eggs shrivelled. If he was really determined he didn't want children he would have had a vasectomy or at the very least used condoms as a back up method. Presumably he knew OP was sick with norovirus but at 47 it never occurred to him to be bothered to take extra precautions.

He has made a lot of choices and now you're entitled to make some. I mean most of the time I think the woman who write these things about awful men should have an abortion and get shot of any lasting tie to him but you obviously want this baby and you mightn't have that many chances so I think it's too bad that your partner's plans for his children have been derailed by his choices. I think you would have to be prepared to do it on your own with family help because he sounds whiney rather than loving. I do wonder why you haven't met his children in two years though. I'm prepared to bet they know nothing whatsoever about you and you can draw your own conclusions about what that meant about his future plans with you. I don't think marriage was on his mind as the culmination of your relationship.

I totally agree with this. He made a choice to be with you. Then endeavoured to take your choice of having children away from you by waiting until you were in love with him before telling you, a woman of childbearing age and rapidly closing fertility window, that he doesn’t want more kids. I think, however, the whole thing was a big buyer beware. He’s 10 years older with almost grown up kids. I cannot imagine many people wanting to start again.

Parenthood is FAR from selfless. And no human being should be born without two enthusiastic parents to welcome it.

Those who aren’t willing to have an abortion when an egg is fertilized under less than ideal circumstances should refrain from recreational sex.

One could say the same about her. No one forced her to date an older man with older children. What did she think would happen??

Many older men with older children want more children with their current partner, I don't know what point you think are making.

That is deeply old-fashioned and offensive. No child needs two parents. Single mums can do a wonderful job of raising children. Your post is so vile and insensitive and offensive to single mums/parents.

Twat.
Women are fertile for a few days a month.
Men can go on gaily fertilising until the day they shuffle off the planet.
If he was resolute about not having more children, the responsibility lies solely with him.

This is bollocks. All contraception can fail, for many reasons.

No woman should ever have an abortion because someone else wants her to.
The important facts are: at 37 when you’d have to find a new partner first, this is most likely your only chance at a baby. Not for sure, but most likely. And he doesn’t want it, so you’ll probably be a single mum. I think if you aborted you probably couldn’t stay with him for long after, so you’d either be single or a single mum. I’d work through the finances, and every day he hangs around in a positive way is a bonus. Maybe he’ll shift perspective and be a great dad, but it’s understandable he doesn’t want to at 47 and you should not make any decision predicated on you two staying together.

if he does hang around, I’d point out his kids will feel pretty betrayed if they don’t find out for some time that they have a sibling. They might understand keeping a relationship secret but not a sibling.

If you have an abortion you are essentially saying you will never have children. Because you would have chosen him. And he doesn't want more kids .
Also if you split up and have an abortion the chances of you meeting someone new and then eventually having a child at your age is slim.
Not that you won't meet someone new but obviously time is against you when it comes to having children .
I understand what he means as I am closer to his age and another child now would be very hard. Especially on my other children and the plans we have in relation to education and such .

Entirely your choice what to do. Be kind to yourself and put yourself first.

I think he sounds a bit of a twat tbh.

So ‘he’s done that part of his life’ - what contraception was he using whilst having sex to make sure that part of his life is done then???

Best of luck whatever you decide to do. Xx

Better to never have a child than to produce one in disadvantaged, adversarial circumstances.

I agree with everything you say but cannot consider an 11yo "almost grown up" he still has 10ys of parenting ahead.

I don’t see how he’s being a twat. Plenty of women come on here saying that they’re devastated by being pregnant,how they feel this will ruin their life, how they feel they should probably have an abortion etc etc.

The man hasn’t put pressure on her, he’s expressed his feelings about finding he is unexpectedly going to be a father again. OP says that she is sure he’ll want her to have a termination, however he hasn’t said it, and she does feel he will support her.

A man has just as much right to be upset about an unexpected pregnancy as a woman. He is only a twat if he tells her she’s on her own, he wants nothing to do with it and she’ll get no support from him. But he hasn’t.

And we all know that the majority of contraceptive “failures” aren’t failures, they’re due to contraception not being used properly.

In fact it’s amazing the amount of people who have a contraceptive failure weeks/months into a relationship whereas people who have been married for years/decades seem to find it possible to not get “accidentally” pregnant.

No, he has 7 years of parenting ahead.

And even then, 17 year olds are often away at uni and living as independent adults or even working full time and living in their own flat.

They've been together for 2 years. Not months in. The contraceptive pill has a high rate of failure. The flu and various infections knocks your immune system, this affects the pill. Taking antibiotics is notorious for disabling the active ingredients in the contraceptive pill. Many 'pill babies' happened because the mother was taking antibiotics.

If he didn't have a vasectomy, he was actively trying for a baby, despite his words otherwise. That's it.

I am sure if he said to the op 'I will sleep with you but only if we both use multiple forms of contraception' the op would have been perfectly happy with that?

Surely both using one each would have done? .

OP, first of all a huge hug to you. This is tough and early pregnancy hormones compound these big feelings of overwhelm and fear. I would like to tell you that I have been you but aged 34. I became accidentally pregnant and had a partner who told me it would ruin his life and career to have a baby. Feeling selfish and guilty and through love for him, I had an abortion. The relationship was destroyed after that. I’d felt under pressure from him and responsible for his happiness. I felt deep down after that he owed me a child and that he’d let me down. He wasn’t a bad man (mumsnet posters often lack nuanced thinking and think men can be cast into two simple categories). It’s not the case and maybe your bf is not a bad man either. However, sadly my bf was unable to support me in the aftermath and he couldn’t cope with my sadness. In the end I left a year later, and had a baby on my own aged 40 after years of heartbreaking fertility treatment. I love my dc with my whole heart and having my child made me see so clearly that I could have done it on my own back aged 34. If possible op, try and filter out the noise of your bf and see if you can picture your life as a mum on your own. Do you feel happy (even if scared)? Do you want this? Good luck. I’m sending you compassion and strength to find clarity

Having been in this situation I would say that either way the relationship is likely over. If you have the abortion you’ll resent him and if you don’t he’ll resent you. I had the baby and have absolutely no regrets about that decision.

All his readons for not wanting this baby are very valid and it will most likely damage his relationship with his kids. Since they don’t know you this will come as a shock to them and they will feel deceived by their dad most likely. With that comes division, it’s his two older kids against yours. There will never be a blend. Having said that, he didn’t do everything he could to prevent this happening of course.

It does sound like you really do want to keep this baby so you will have to do the sums and see if you can afford to do it on your own. Nursery is of course a killer financially but they also cost a bomb as teenagers and the dad will most likely be retired during the most expensive teen years so won’t be contributing much at all.

If you can afford it, keep the baby, if not find someone who is on the same wavelength and try again. Either way, this particular relationship is over.

Agree .

Don't do it if you aren't 100 percent sure op, I went through an abortion last week because my partner wasn't supportive of us having another child and it really broke me , and personally at 37 I would want to continue as like you say, the biological clock is ticking and you really don't sound like you want to have an abortion x

I think you need to have a good conversation with your partner face to face about this.
i think it’s unfair of people to say that he should have used other contraception. He trusted that she was taking care of it and it does say on the leaflet to use extra precautions if you are unwell with D&V so they should have been doing that. He may not have known that.
That aside it seems a no win situation as you want it and he doesn’t. I fell sorry for both of you as I don’t think either of you are unreasonable in your wants.

I'm sorry you're in this position OP. A few things stand out from your post about the relationship, firstly that you are "a secret" after nearly two years, and secondly that you were worried about his reaction to the pregnancy. You also both want different things in your future. The relationship doesn't seem to have much future so please ignore that when making your decision.

You are 37, you want a child, and are pregnant. There's really no more to it. Have the baby and live the life you want, but prepare to do it without his assistance.