Saga continues, Wife is finished.

[Boglehead]

A man back again to annoy you all.

Wife told me she wants a divorce a month or so ago.

I then said that she’d have to tell the children she was blowing up the marriage and I wouldn’t be going along with any stories to whitewash what’s really going on.

She then changed what she said to she’s “done” and is saying she never used the word divorce.

She’s now pushing back on couples counselling, refusing to meet the therapist I have found after much effort.

I have some important work meetings this week that I’m travelling to Europe for. I feel shit & said to her today I didn’t want this hanging over me all week. I want to know for certain that she’ll go to counselling and we can try and work on things.

She’s refusing to commit, saying all I need to know is she’s done and she needs time. She’s so aggressive, angry and is treating me with contempt. I really feel there some psychological back story here. Maybe I’m a total clown and deserve to be treated this way 🤷‍♂️

So I have to head away on Sunday with this hanging over me for the week and try to perform, run C level meetings, present etc.

I feel she’ll serve papers when I get back from this business trip or at the very least in the summer when our children finish exams.

Unless she has an epiphany over the next week it sounds to me like she’s out?

You don't understand why she wants a divorce when you don't respect her and try and force her into 'saving the marriage' by giving her threats that you'll force her to appear be the bad guy to your own children if she doesn't go to counselling? And then you say you can't sort it out this week because you are too busy with work? You think dragging your kids into this to force them to take sides, rather than telling your kids together and don't make a point of being a dick about it is appropriate behaviour?

Mate, seriously...

Why is she obliged to do this? She may feel she's being trying to for years and been stonewalled because he doesn't think she's valid enough reasons..

Yes, this. It’s really not hard to see why she wants a divorce.

Its very seldom that only one person is to blame for the breakdown of a relationship. I'm not suggesting that men cannot be utterly selfish and awful, just that women can be too. This 'Always the man's fault' narriative is simplistic, naive and completely neglects the fact that people tend to react to each other. The only thing that can address the cycle of is communication and a lot of effort from both sides.

Op may very well have been the partner that contributed the majority of issues, but that by no means means he is the only one at fault.

Do you love her? And if so do you show it?

I’m not sure where I said only one person is at fault?

simply pointing out the OPs utterly dismissive be tone could very likely have something to do with it, that abc his very low bar of his idea of what decency in a relationship looks like.

Women don't leave marriages as a rule until they have absolutely reached the end of their tethers and by then it's too late. It's going to be too late for counselling, justifying or arguing.
Don't drag the kids into this and make them take sides. All they need to know is that the marriage is over, not why.
I expect there were obvious signs way back which you ignored. Just as you are ignoring what she is saying now.
How old are both of you and how long have you been married?

She isn’t blowing up the marriage, she is choosing to end it.
The fact that she is being calm about it yells
you that she is done. She doesn’t want arguments because there is nothing to argue about.
She is choosing not to engage in counselling because there is nothing to talk about or save.

On the other hand, you are making it more difficult by refusing to agree with her explanation to the children, in an attempt
to make her look bad.

People’s feelings change, and that’s allowed.

Don’t expect an epiphany, I strongly suspect that your wife checked out of this marriage a while ago.

Don't you think that one of the reasons listed, that op "doesn't listen" = she has tried to talk to him about issues and got nowhere?

It certainly does to me.

So you have two other threads about your wife, one about her addiction to shopping and this one:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5291680-wife-wants-me-out-of-the-house-divorce

One minute you are saying you are home 24/7 with your children and now you have to go away for work.
Your wife works full time as a pilot flying to the USA on a regular basis which you don’t seem happy about. You make it very clear that despite your wife’s achievements, you earn SO much more than her.
You seem to do a lot of moaning about your wife and yet wonder why she wants a divorce.
How often do you look at yourself and reflect on your own faults, or are you so perfect that you don’t need to make any changes? Why do you only focus on your wife’s faults and never your own?

You can't compartmentalize this I'm afraid divorce and all it's issues will be hanging over you at work for some time to come.

Haven’t RTFT but I appear to be going against the grain - I think I’d feel the same if my DH said he wanted a divorce and it was coming out of the blue for me - I would expect him to tell the kids it was his choice etc, same as if he’d had an affair - I couldn’t sit there with him and the kids saying “Mummy and Daddy love you very much, but we’ve decided we don’t love each other anymore…” I just couldn’t, I would expect him to tell them it was him that was making this decision. But maybe I’m an evil cow IDK

She thinks you're a dick. HTH.

sounds to me I'm afraid like either she has someone else or she has them in her sights. ...

She's certainly seen an opportunity to be free of her present set up. The dithering might be because who will provide childcare when she's away for work.

It's happening to friends. She asked for a divorce, he left. Her lover then bailed so she asked him back. Trouble is she truly hates him now, can't hide it. So he's divorcing her. It's so toxic for the children.

Do you think he deserves sympathy? Has he made the slightest effort to understand where she’s coming from? She’s done. She doesn’t love him, because she doesn’t feel he’s loved or cared for her for a long time. He says she didn’t bring enough evidence to the discussion , not that he asked or cared or tried in any way, and threatened to make it nasty with the children. Now he’s mad she isn’t fully committed to the marriage.

op she doesn’t want to go to counseling because she doesn’t think it can be saved. Ask if the counselling can be changed to a focus to separate amicably, cut your bullshit about using the dc as a weapon, and get over yourself with your c level meetings, it may surprise you but many of us women on Mumsnet also have c level meetings at global companies and we still have to support our children and partner through health and emotional challenges. If I told my partner I was done and instead of listening or caring he said well you will have to tell the children how you’ve screwed us all up, which sounds like my 9yo, I’d say clearly I need the fastest divorce possible to make my life asshole free.

You don’t know the reason, we don’t know the reason, but the fact that she’s kept this work away job for so long - if she were a bloke we’d all say she was only ever half-committed.

Think you’re getting a hard time here, if it was the other way around it’d be a different story. I’d be upset and angry and want to try counselling if my dh just wanted to end it with me out of nowhere or very little.

At the end of the day though you’ve got to have some self respect and put the kids first. If she wants out you need to deal with it together and tell the kids together.

No, she didn’t.

No one decides to ‘blow up a marriage’ on a whim. She’s been thinking about this for months, possibly years, and if you treat her with the same contempt you’ve shown on here, I’m not surprised she won’t go to counselling with you.

Your whole post just backs her up. There is not a shred of empathy, or any feeling of love. You seem most concerned about how this is going to affect your upcoming work meeting. Please have an amicable divorce, then get a housekeeper and a secretary, with perhaps an occasional sex worker, these should meet your needs much better.

@Boglehead We don’t know the full story but using the kids was a bad move .
Also your wife can have a divorce if she wants one . Are you sure there’s no emotional abuse ?

If your a good husband and she doesn’t love you or want to be with you then you just have to get over it. She doesn’t have to change her mind because you have work or your manipulating her into staying as your looking to turn the kids against her or hurt them .
If it’s a divorce then you both talk to the kids . You sound like you’re looking to do the blame game .

"No evidence to back it up" - it sounds like you are treating it like a weak c-suite strategy meeting. Do you want her provide stats and a supporting presentation?

It sounds like the problem is you aren't listening to her, haven't soul searched to understand where she might be coming from. My best guess it you don't listen to her and are dismissed of her - your post indicates this is the case.

Your marriage is over @Boglehead. Your wife wants a divorce from you.

Time to divorce with as little acrimony as possible.

Yeah, she's done pal, get her gone. Surely you can't want to save that?

🙄 what rubbish.

Posters are reacting to the very little info that was provided in the initial OP.

He does sound dismissive and stating that there is no abuse or affair is a very low bar...