Saga continues, Wife is finished.

[Boglehead]

A man back again to annoy you all.

Wife told me she wants a divorce a month or so ago.

I then said that she’d have to tell the children she was blowing up the marriage and I wouldn’t be going along with any stories to whitewash what’s really going on.

She then changed what she said to she’s “done” and is saying she never used the word divorce.

She’s now pushing back on couples counselling, refusing to meet the therapist I have found after much effort.

I have some important work meetings this week that I’m travelling to Europe for. I feel shit & said to her today I didn’t want this hanging over me all week. I want to know for certain that she’ll go to counselling and we can try and work on things.

She’s refusing to commit, saying all I need to know is she’s done and she needs time. She’s so aggressive, angry and is treating me with contempt. I really feel there some psychological back story here. Maybe I’m a total clown and deserve to be treated this way 🤷‍♂️

So I have to head away on Sunday with this hanging over me for the week and try to perform, run C level meetings, present etc.

I feel she’ll serve papers when I get back from this business trip or at the very least in the summer when our children finish exams.

Unless she has an epiphany over the next week it sounds to me like she’s out?

It's incredibly painful to be in your situation but she doesn't need anything to back up how she feels, she doesn't need to have experienced abuse or infidelity, she just needs to want to end the marriage, and she does. I understand you're trying to find a loophole or a way to persuade her that's not what she wants but you're on a hiding to nothing with that.

Harsh, money still needs to come in. You can't just renege on arranged foreign meetings as an employee unless a very serious event such as death, accident of close relative etc.

She’s refusing to commit, saying all I need to know is she’s done and she needs time. She’s so aggressive, angry and is treating me with contempt. I really feel there some psychological back story here

Do you realise how this comes across

Your wife wants a divorce so she must be mentally unwell

@Boglehead , going on the tiny fraction of you I see, I think it's you that has blown up your marriage.

You will know fine well why she's 'done'. She won't have got the point of telling you she wants a divorce from nothing.

I would want to hear her side. I bet it would be an echo if stuff down the ages.

Why do you assume that we all read your previous post?

Why the need to mention C-level meetings?

Do you have an over-inflated sense of importance? Some individual therapy may help you explore whether there is anything you are actually doing that’s contributed to the end of your marriage.

BTW she doesn’t actually need a reason to divorce you, and you using the kids as a pawn to persuade her not to is abusive….

It's a site for women. If you want to see/give sympathy to men, you have the rest of the internet to enjoy.

no man hate here.

this sounds horrible like one massive head wreck. Rightly on wrongly she sounds at the end of her rope so you need to step up and invest time dealing with it.

I’d file myself and either tell the children together or do it myself (at least you control the narrative then)

good luck

Oh, please! There are enough women, all too eager to give up work and be looked after financially.

She's checked out, it's over - don't wait for her to decide.

Does she have a career too? To me, this sounds like the female version of 'the script': all too keen to give up work to look after the children and keep house, spends years enjoying the lifestyle provided by high earning husband, gets into competitive parening/keeping up with Jones with the other yummy mummies in the naice area you live in, then the kids grow older and more independent and they realise it's all vacuous bullshit that they've engaged in to keep themselves occupied for years and now they're bored and resentful and it's your fault.

You need to accept its over and start taking control - you can bet your wife is.
Start getting all the paperwork together - statements, pensions etc.

Get a good lawyer now - hope the split is harmonious, but prepare for it to turn hostile.

Get your head together and crack on - the grieving for your former life can come later (or not).

Oh, and stay off the sauce - eat well, sleep well, and exercise (if you are not already).

OP, said the wife has a full time job too, so your misogynist assumptions are totally off base.

This seems to me like a case of the missing missing reasons. Wife has tried plenty of times to tell the husband why she is not happy in the marriage and that she wants things to change. Husband suggests she gets therapy instead by a therapist he selected.

OP is a narcissist who only hears what he wants to hear. In his wife's shoes I would want a divorce too.

100% agree with this. Some vile replies to this post.

Err it was a question and a suggestion, not an assumption.

As for misogyny, I've known people who do this myself. Is it misandry to expect a man to provide you with a particular lifestyle then ditch him when it doesn't suit you any more? There certainly ARE women who do this.

Your wife sounds as if she is feeling unappreciated and 2nd place. I know that's not as you see it because you feel you are pulling your weight with child care etc. giving your all and you may well be, its not helpful for anyone to say your meetings away this week us more important than your wife, if you don't work you don't have a job and everyone suffers. If I were you, before you go away, arrange with each other a time when the pair of you uninterupted can talk about where things are not right. Then start if its possible regular date nights, just the two of you.
couples drift apart it doesn't have to be be either at fault, the love doesn't grow with the marriage.
If she feel she wants to call time on yoyr marriage its pointless hanging on, let her go, you will both end up with half of what you have but it can be done. It doesn't feel fair to you but life isn't fair, Do it properly, be grown up about child contact etc. Odds are you will both meet someone else in the future. Someone in your wave length. Its not the end, just the beginning of something else.
lots of peopke want to villainise one of the couple but it takes two.

Your marriage is completely dead and you now need to think only of practicalities on how to split assets and custody.

Sorry you’re going through this but reality is she wants out so no point flogging this dead horse.

Sexisthairdressers

OP, hope you're holding up. These messages are atrocious. Perhaps you should delete this thread - which I'm sure is only adding to your distress - and find support away from this forum.
I disagree totally with deleting the thread, there’s always takeaway items in every thread and I think if op reads the whole thread he’ll see why some women are upset (maybe even his wife), he’ll get advice and may rethink bits. There’s also support for him.

I don't want to be unkind because you're obviously upset but I'm not sure quite why you think you being in 'c level meetings' makes a blind bit of difference. You think these kind of meetings mean your job is harder than all others for you to struggle through with emotional baggage? Working longer hours fine but a meeting is a meeting is a meeting, whether you're the boss or meeting with peers. Honestly, you come across badly.

I think you are both being immature. Sit her down, ask her for the truth in a calm way and tell her whatever the decision you will tell the children together and prioritise their feelings rather than your own. If she's done with the marriage better that you know and can start dealing with it.

If you use the same dismissive tone when talking to her as you use to write about her, there's your answer to the question: why does she want a divorce?

You don't seem concerned that she's deeply unhappy. Do you even love her? Or is it just the inconvenience of no longer having a wife to keep the home fires burning while you're away doing v. important work away that's upsetting you?

I suspect you've left it too late to salvage the marriage because your wife knows you'll never empathy for her. Maybe you'll learn a lesson in case there's ever wife no. 2.

There is not such things as "misandry". It's a made up term to try and deny the systemic issues that women face in society, such as being married to an emotionally abusive narcissist, everyone is willing to defend.

Unlike you, I actually read OP's own posts and his abusive- and selfish attitude is written all over them. You wouldn't need to ask the question make the assumption if you had just bothered to read, rather than trying to defend a man who doesn't need defending.

Next time you try to play dumb, try to not to be so transparent.

Do you love your wife? If so have you told her that? You sound as though you’ve also checked out but just don’t want the upheaval of a divorce, and whilst I understand that, it’s not a good enough reason to stay married.

I would go on the work trip and have another talk when you get back. Ultimately if she says that for her the marriage is over there’s not a lot you can do about it. Please don’t use your children as bargaining tools, no matter who ends a marriage it’s nothing to do with them and they shouldn’t be asked to take sides. If you can, tell them together, without blaming your wife and have their feelings at the forefront of your mind.

Wow, what made you so angry and bitter?! The wife works as the OP has stated so I’d bother to read the post before commenting and pushing your own bitter narrative.

So just let it go without trying to use your kids as a pawn? You two should be presenting a united front, it doesn’t matter to them why it’s ending, just that you both love them and will continue to parent them lovingly.

Sorry buddy but to be honest with you- your tone suggests an unsympathetic attitude. We all want partners who genuinely listen, have our backs and care about us before themselves. That’s universal. Are you honestly sure you’ve been these things? The fact you referred to her mental health and a back story there suggests you are putting the blame on her. That’s exactly what you MUST NOT do - EVER! Nothing pisses people off more. If you’re guilty of this in other instances too then it’s inevitable she will have reached her limit. Partnerships should always be based on the premise of shared responsibility and caring not blaming if they are to thrive.

There is not such things as "misandry

What? Of course there is. It's no more a 'made up term' then misogyny is @FrozenFeathers . Women do not have a monopoly on victimhood.

@Boglehead the only thing I'm going to pick you up on is your attitude to telling the kids. You do not use this as an opportunity to punish your wife.

Your kids are innocent in this. Their world is about to turn upside down, and their feelings of security with it. How they're told is not about you, it's about their wellbeing.
Your relationship with them going forward also relies on you doing this well. Don't mess it up to punish your wife. You'll be the loser as well as your kids if you mess it up.