Wife wants me out of the house, divorce

[Boglehead]

My wife wants a divorce and for me to leave. We have 4 teens. I pay all the bills and the mortgage, I don’t drink, am not abusive nor have I had an affair or porn addiction.

She travels with her job as a pilot and is away for two or three nights a week in the US. This has been going on now 15 years. She won’t leave her job and chooses this US pattern. I’m sure some of you will chime in that she’s having an affair for which I have seen no evidence.

I am a home worker and am with the children 24 x 7 all year, every year.

While her salary is good I earn 3 times what she earns.

I feel aggrieved about her aggressive approach and will petition for her to leave our house as I feel the traditional roles are reversed here.

Do the courts automatically assume the mother should stay in the family home? Given her job could I possibly win my case?

Interesting one. Keep us updated

You need legal advice but the house is usually a marital asset and belongs to both of you. You can't be told to leave your own house.

I imagine the teens will be asked their views in a court

No, she can't kick you out, but you can't kick her out either. No one gets to retain the family home, assets are split. Your kids preferences will be taken into consideration as to who they will live with though, but assume 50/50 on time with kids and financials.

No evidence isn’t the same as she isn’t!

I’m sure it would be quite easy to keep an affair secret with her being away a few nights a week in a different country.

It may be worthwhile trying to dig a bit deeper into this especially as it will help in your favour if it does go through Court.

Who do you think the kids would rather live with?

Why are you paying for everything a.d doing all the childcare?

Just get a no fault divorce and split the assets. Work out how to co-parent effectively.

No point in getting angry, if it's over it's over. See a solicitor and start getting a financial order in place.

Yes you will probably have to sell the house unless one of you can afford to buy the other out.

I know emotions are running high and you're hurt and angry, but the important thing here is to manage this as amicably as possible.

Not who "wins" a big drag out fight. The children won't win either way in that situation. Ideally try mediation with your ex and see if things can be worked out fairly without too much upset.

I would look to buy her out in the long run. If your kids are teens, their opinions of where they want to reside are likely to be taken into account.

It might be helpful for you to talk with a counsellor. I guess it's all come as a shock to you.

No it won’t - as many cheated on women on Mumsnet have found out, the courts couldn’t care less about affairs.

Hello OP, I just wondered what your wife's salary goes on as you both sound like high earners but only you pay for the bills and mortgage? What did she say was the reason for divorcing? This must be a difficult time for you.

The assets will be split. If one of you can afford to buy out the other, that is what will happen. She can’t tell you to leave but equally you can’t tell her to leave. This only alters if there is a court order preventing one of you living there.

My first thought, but that's in the UK system. Are you in the US to so confidently advise OP?

Are you in the uk?

It's not clear if they live in the US or the wife just works there?

Did you say you earn 3 times a pilot's salary being a homemaker? I'm confused.

No it won't help at all. The reason for the split is irrelevant to how the split is performed.

What's relevant is the normal care of the children - although depending on their ages, this may not be much of a factor.

Neither of you can be made to leave, the assumption at the start of the split will be 50/50 for everything (childcare/assets inc. pensions)

No, he works at home but earns 3 x her salary. Pilots aren't always on huge salaries either.

I fully accept that if, despite the fact he’s posted on a UK site using phrasing that specifically suggests he and the children are not in the US, he actually is in the US, my advice is wrong.

It may well also be wrong if he’s in Mozambique, Bolivia, Iceland or any other non-UK (since Scotland and E&W do agree on this point) country.

Perhaps the OP could clarify?

They are if they're flying transatlantic routes...

Generally if you've had a long relationship which it seems you have due to teens, you'll be splitting things reasonably fairly. You will also need to think about pensions. Both you and your wife are entitled to be able to house the children but clearly she can't care for them all the time as she's travelling so much for work and in any case 50 50 would be a startinf point for custody, with kids able to meet her half way.
I'd just meet her half way, tell her that you'll put the house on the market, that you'd like 50 50 custody and that you've instructed a solicitor. Come up with some reasonable financial settlement ideas, if she earns less than you but a good salary then there's not going to be any spousal maintenance and I would say that given you're the one who's home all the time, there's no reason why you wouldn't get 50 50 so no maintenance either. The question is really can you both afford to have a house that's large enough for the kids. That's going to be the main problem, you have greater earning power so maybe you'll need to give her slightly more equity. Btw it's not a case of having a super nice place the same as now, but adequate housing for both of you.
Clean break is the best really so just get something on the table to discuss

I echo what others have stated - the house is a marital asset so she can’t make you leave and, no, the court will not decide in favour of the mother automatically (assume you are in the UK). They decide in favour of the children’s needs based on who has provided the bulk of their care. In this case it sounds as though it is you, so get a really good family solicitor and insist that if anyone moves out during this process, it is her. Given you earn more, I assume you can probaby buy her out of her share of the house?

Given you are the primary carer it does seem to be sensible you stay and keep the children's routines going .

It reads like the OP lives in the US.

Hopefully they will clarify so they receive the correct advice.

It really doesn’t, the wife choosing a “US pattern” in her shift work doesn’t suggest they live in the US.