Saga continues, Wife is finished.

[Boglehead]

A man back again to annoy you all.

Wife told me she wants a divorce a month or so ago.

I then said that she’d have to tell the children she was blowing up the marriage and I wouldn’t be going along with any stories to whitewash what’s really going on.

She then changed what she said to she’s “done” and is saying she never used the word divorce.

She’s now pushing back on couples counselling, refusing to meet the therapist I have found after much effort.

I have some important work meetings this week that I’m travelling to Europe for. I feel shit & said to her today I didn’t want this hanging over me all week. I want to know for certain that she’ll go to counselling and we can try and work on things.

She’s refusing to commit, saying all I need to know is she’s done and she needs time. She’s so aggressive, angry and is treating me with contempt. I really feel there some psychological back story here. Maybe I’m a total clown and deserve to be treated this way 🤷‍♂️

So I have to head away on Sunday with this hanging over me for the week and try to perform, run C level meetings, present etc.

I feel she’ll serve papers when I get back from this business trip or at the very least in the summer when our children finish exams.

Unless she has an epiphany over the next week it sounds to me like she’s out?

Rather than insist she tells the children and you don’t want there to be any “whitewashing”, consider what is actually in the best interests of your kids. I ended the marriage, I told the kids whilst he sat there and cried and said nothing. It was bloody awful for everyone but worse for them.

@AnneKipankitoo that he is a chief (that's what the C means) who has "many leather-bound books and that his office smells of rich mahogany".

Stop feeding his sense of victimhood.🙄

I detect Main Character Syndrome here.

It sounds familiar. Lack of communication there which could be addressed. You do need to listen to each other and take on board what each says. Many a marriage could be saved if both parties would do that. Also don't ever be afraid to admit and apologise. If you love your wife it is worth making an effort. You may not feel she has much to back it up but it's real to her, Boglehead, and I'm pretty sure if she came on here and told us about it, we'd understand where she is coming from. Many of us have been there. I just hope it's not too late for you.

@Boglehead I briefly got involved with a separated man who was in your situation. It ended amicably. Wife had left (affair), he had this big job, was hands on etc. He was completely distraught but her reasoning later was that they didn't have much in common and that yes, she wanted to be listened to more/fought for. To cut a long story short, she then got dumped herself by her affair partner and wanted her now changed husband back. By then he'd also made changes to himself and would have done anything to keep her. They are together now. I guess what I'm saying is don't wait for the fallout, try and understand/fight for her and the relationship if you really want it.

Chief level, oe CEO, CFO, COO

You do sound dismissive That C suite big job and being around and an equal at home would make you as rare as hen's teeth.
You're better to seperate on decentish terms than live with contempt. If your DC are exam age they'll know the truth of who you both are.

Here is the same article on Huff Post https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

The chances are you will not read the article or the book. Read them. We tried to get our brother-in-law to read both when their marriage was having difficulty. He didn’t. They’re now divorced.

Noone decides ‘one day to blow up the marriage’ without a reason. She probably won’t commit to counselling atm because she has tried to make you listen, and it’s got the point where it’s just hopeless for her. Read the article and the book.

Exactly @LBFseBrom

OP you said: Doesn’t feel loved, don’t listen, bored, you name it. All labels with not much to back it up.

’All labels with not much to back it up’ seems so dismissive. There might not be for you, but that is how she feels, and so it is real and relevant. Just how what you feel is real and relevant.

Im repeating things because I want you to understand and act (and read the book) before it’s too late. But chances are you won’t, and will get divorced. I wish you both all the best and hope you can understand, grow and resolve together.

Last post

She’s so aggressive, angry and is treating me with contempt. I really feel there some psychological back story here.

And yes, no one is like that without reason. Obviously a relationship is two people, two people’s contribution. But you have to listen with your emotions and intelligence to what she is saying.

Tell her you posted on an online forum to try to understand the situation more, it’s so important to you, she is so important to you. Tell her you are going to do all you can to understand and restore your marriage. Ask her to help you, do it together. And of course read the article and book. (By the way, I don’t know the author, I’m suggesting because it’s spot on.) You can’t just force a square peg in a round hole, you need to apply the intelligence and capability you use in your work to the relationship with your wife. Good luck and have a good work trip!

‘What rubbish’ is that not dismissive?

Exactly, I disagree with the below:

RitaAndFrank · Yesterday 20:47
Op I’m sorry for your situation, but as you’re a man you won’t get any sympathy here, this is Mumsnet and your default position will be on the back foot. Defending yourself will become exhausting. I suggest you log off and try to find someone in real life that you can confide to. I wish you luck.

I’m a stranger pumping breastmilk at 4am which is why I’m awake to post these replies. I’ve lost 30 mins of sleep (at least) taking the time to reply. Please take on board what everyone is saying to try to help.

How similar is your take home pay.

Yep.

And the whole thing is a classic case of Walkaway Wife Syndrome. Lawyers see it alllll the time:

"Walkaway wife syndrome” refers to a wife’s escalating detachment and eventual exit from an unsatisfying marriage.

The phenomenon begins when a wife starts feeling disconnected from her spouse. She may or may not communicate her unhappiness. And if she does speak up, she may feel that her spouse ignores her or dismisses her concerns. This sense of neglect may lead her to withdraw emotionally from the relationship. In turn, she may slowly build an independent life without the presence or support of her spouse.

Walkaway wife syndrome develops progressively, beginning with an emotional departure by the wife due to perceived unmet needs or persistent dissatisfaction. Over time, this may lead to altered behaviors like reduced communication, withdrawal from shared activities and increased focus on individual interests. Eventually, the emotional withdrawal may culminate with the wife suddenly moving out. Divorce almost inevitably follows.

This final step often comes as a surprise to the spouse, who is usually unaware of the severity of the situation."

Op, it's probably too late, she's done. But fgs don't weaponize the children. That's really shitty parenting and mean to them

I think @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta is right.

However, I like to believe there is still a chance, a hope, if you understand and turn things around. / Of course you’ll need in part to do this together. But it can and must start with you in this situation.

If you do not try, you are probably another who could have saved their marriage if they understood where she is coming from.

Oh dear. You say you won't 'whitewash what's really going on', what is really going on other then your wife wants a divorce and you're not listening to her?

Also most marriage councillors are probably useless. The article and book are the best place to start. You can read them on the journey. Finished by the time you get back.

I am a wife who is pondering having this conversation with my husband, and one of the reasons I’m in no rush is that I know he’ll claim not to know what I’m talking about, and push back on how I say I feel.

Yes, I feel unheard, unloved, bored, not listened to, just like your wife. Going back about three years. It’s very very difficult to come back from that; if she’s managed to get to the point of having the conversation trust me when I say the words have been waiting to be blurted out for a fairly long time.

Ouch. Such harsh replies to a person who is in distress. Lots of people making assumptions about OP based on their own relationships. I’ve only read what he’s put here and can still see there’s a possibility she’s the arsehole here.
The fact she’s refusing counselling shows she has no intention of trying to salvage anything. It’s good you both have good jobs as you should be able to make the split happen and move on.
Now you need to put the children first and then yourself. She can look after herself and looks like she wants to. She’s wanting more time to make whatever plans but it’s also up to you. Start thinking about the future you want for you and the children. Housing and childcare. You may eventually see this is a good thing.
Tell your managers. You’ll need support.
Also agree a woman would be told to assume an affair.
Best of luck.

I thought this too. The very small amount of actual opinion from the OP speaks volumes. There’s control & coercion I. That sentence alone!!

OP, hope you're holding up. These messages are atrocious. Perhaps you should delete this thread - which I'm sure is only adding to your distress - and find support away from this forum.

A marriage is over when one party wants it to be over.

I think your wife has come to this conclusion after decades.

She can’t point to one incidence because there have been many little things that have blurred into this feeling. By themselves they might have looked inconsequential but over the years they have eroded the foundations of your marriage, one annoyance, one compromise one time of not getting what she wanted and they have all added up.

It is death by a 1000 cuts.

Yes you can. Anyone can end a marriage for any reason now. Sounds like this one might have failed due to a death by a thousand cuts.

It looks like this marriage has run it's course. OP save your kids from continuing to live in a toxic environment and end it now, your wife doesn't want to be married to you anymore and you don't even want to show willing be going to marriage counseling.