Saga continues, Wife is finished.

[Boglehead]

A man back again to annoy you all.

Wife told me she wants a divorce a month or so ago.

I then said that she’d have to tell the children she was blowing up the marriage and I wouldn’t be going along with any stories to whitewash what’s really going on.

She then changed what she said to she’s “done” and is saying she never used the word divorce.

She’s now pushing back on couples counselling, refusing to meet the therapist I have found after much effort.

I have some important work meetings this week that I’m travelling to Europe for. I feel shit & said to her today I didn’t want this hanging over me all week. I want to know for certain that she’ll go to counselling and we can try and work on things.

She’s refusing to commit, saying all I need to know is she’s done and she needs time. She’s so aggressive, angry and is treating me with contempt. I really feel there some psychological back story here. Maybe I’m a total clown and deserve to be treated this way 🤷‍♂️

So I have to head away on Sunday with this hanging over me for the week and try to perform, run C level meetings, present etc.

I feel she’ll serve papers when I get back from this business trip or at the very least in the summer when our children finish exams.

Unless she has an epiphany over the next week it sounds to me like she’s out?

I then said that she’d have to tell the children she was blowing up the marriage and I wouldn’t be going along with any stories to whitewash what’s really going on.

Have you considered what terrible parenting this is?

Let her go with dignity and be a good role model to your children. You can't use threats to shame their mum to keep her from leaving. That's terribly damaging

Gotcha.

Do you see how completely dismissive this is?

Very true sadly. Most Mumsnetters will be rubbing their hands in glee at the opportunity to make you feel even worse, as a man. I too wish you luck.

Using your children as pawns by threatening to badmouth their mum is abusive to your wife and children. Be better.

Well, you’ve answered your own wondering at what’s gone wrong.

Youre utterly utterly dismissive of her.

OP, do you love your wife? Or do you want to stay married because it is comfortable/easy?

Either way, she has the right to leave for any reason - she isn't obliged to justify it.

But if you love her I can see that will take time to get your head around/accept. I suggest it might be worth getting some counselling to support you through this time.

It is possible, as someone suggested upthread, she may be cheating, though by no means a given. Do you suspect this is the case?

You can't force someone to stay with you by using emotional blackmail.

A man back again to annoy you all.

Ain't that the truth 🙄
I also see you have a big, very important job.

Why do you think she's had enough?

@Boglehead if the roles were reversed, you’d be told the reason why your partner says ‘doesn’t want a divorce’ but does nothing to make it work, incl counselling, this is because they don’t want to be the bad guy.

Youve told your dwife to tell the dcs herself. And she immediately backed down.
This points out towards her not wanting to look like the bad guy.

Now she doesn’t seem to want to do anything to make things work or to get a divorce. She seems angry and doesn’t appreciate who you are.
But you’re not doing anything either. You’re not going to the counselling session this week (I assume this is coupke counselling right?). You’re not trying to engage to see what you could do differently. You’re not ready to start divorce either. And yet you’re also full of anger and resentful.

Someone has to be the adult here.
One thing that cannot happen is for that situation to carry on for much time. It would be horrendous for your dcs!
If your dwife refuses to start the divorce, then you’ll have to. Because the way you’re describing your marriage and the way you both go about it dealing with the issues inside it tell me there is little to save now.

Im assuming that you’re not trying to blackmail your dwife or make her feel guilty about wanting to separate when you’re not (but then I wonder why. You’re not full of praises for her either)

Doesn’t feel loved, don’t listen, bored, you name it. All labels with not much to back it up.

perhaps validating her feelings instead of asking for evidence might be the giveaway to you not listening and you name it

How old are the kids again?

She might just want you to fight for her, validate her feelings and make more of an effort.
if she doesn’t feel loved, make her feel loved. Don’t be lazy. Make the effort.

maybe think about her needs as well as your own..

I guarantee you that she didn't one day just decided to blow up the marriage. This will have been simmering for months, if not years. You just haven't heard or haven't noticed.

Based on your comment about her reasons, you're still not hearing what she's saying. You're just minimising and dismissing it.

As for you comment about how she's should tell the children. That's just spiteful and certainly isn't putting your children's welfare first.

In all of the information that you've given us you're putting yourself first and not considering anyone else's feelings.

I'm wondering if you realise that counseling will involve you having to accept some responsibility, make changes and work on your own behavior. It won't be all about her "psychological back story".

People here sometimes talk about “the script”. Do you know what that means? Is your wife’s behaviour so out of the ordinary that you feel she is reading out from a version of the script?

The other thing to ask about is the out of the blue part. Would you have said she was happy in the marriage or in herself before? When did that change, if you noticed a change?

She's had enough of it always being about you and what you want. She's had enough of you not listening to her, being dismissive of her, and not respecting her. She's been putting up with it for years. Yes, you are a total clown I'm afraid.

I don't know any person who would want to stay in a marriage that makes them feel like that. Not abusing her is a very low bar to set too. This together with you threatening to basically out her to her children paints a very ugly picture.

Also, how do you back up or prove emotions?

This sums it up.

Is she a "hands on" mum?

This post exudes dismissiveness. And illustrates exactly why she's done.

You don't need evidence for feelings.

I remember really clearly my ex telling me that splitting up based on my feelings was ridiculous.

We are now excellent coparents and friends - he admits that this was a dick move.

What he actually means is her giving him examples of things that cause her to feel unloved etc and then dismissing them as nonsense or he ‘doesn’t agree’ that XYZ should cause her to feel abc, which is what he’s doing - typical of emotional abuse, which is what this is

Why are you using the children as an emotional bargaining chip? How awful to suggest such a thing.

If you do split, it should be both of you that tell the children. In a loving, supportive way that makes it clear that this is no one’s fault. Not putting the blame onto anyone. Your priorities should be to the emotional wellbeing of the children, not running down their mother.

And saying that there’s no abuse or adultery…. You think she should stay in an unhappy marriage just because you don’t abuse or cheat on her?

What are you hoping to achieve from marriage counselling?

Maybe she does have psychological issues. Would you miss her? Or just your children? I wouldn't bow down to her requests and I wouldn't leave your home. She should be willing to talk about this. I wouldn't let her intimidate you.