Saga continues, Wife is finished.

[Boglehead]

A man back again to annoy you all.

Wife told me she wants a divorce a month or so ago.

I then said that she’d have to tell the children she was blowing up the marriage and I wouldn’t be going along with any stories to whitewash what’s really going on.

She then changed what she said to she’s “done” and is saying she never used the word divorce.

She’s now pushing back on couples counselling, refusing to meet the therapist I have found after much effort.

I have some important work meetings this week that I’m travelling to Europe for. I feel shit & said to her today I didn’t want this hanging over me all week. I want to know for certain that she’ll go to counselling and we can try and work on things.

She’s refusing to commit, saying all I need to know is she’s done and she needs time. She’s so aggressive, angry and is treating me with contempt. I really feel there some psychological back story here. Maybe I’m a total clown and deserve to be treated this way 🤷‍♂️

So I have to head away on Sunday with this hanging over me for the week and try to perform, run C level meetings, present etc.

I feel she’ll serve papers when I get back from this business trip or at the very least in the summer when our children finish exams.

Unless she has an epiphany over the next week it sounds to me like she’s out?

Senior management where all the job titles are Chief something, e.g. Chief Human Resources Officer, Chief Marketing Officer, etc.

So she doesn’t feel loved by you. She thinks you don’t listen to her. She’s bored in your marriage. Have you asked her why she thinks these things instead of dismissing it as ‘labels with not much to back it up?’ Have you asked her how things could be improved and made an effort to work towards that? You can bang on about ‘labels with not much to back it up’ until you’re blue in the face, but it just sounds like you’re treating her like the little woman who should be happy with a pat on the head.

Where has OP, even with his bruised ego, suggested this?

If I'm to read between the lines like you plainly have, his wife has been jumping up and down, trying to get through to him how she feels and his response is "pah, silly woman."

Or really isn't. They're are posts like that very frequently on this board. A woman who posts that her DH 'out of the blue' says he wants to end the marriage will always be met with that response. ALWAYS.

You should immediately read the book: ‘This is how your marriage ends: a hopeful approach to saving relationships’ by Matthew Fray.

Your wife probably has reasons that you don’t understand. She may have given up trying to explain. Read the book immediately and perhaps you can understand fast enough to change / turnaround / save your marriage.

This sounds really tough OP, and I don’t think it’s particularly fair you’re getting a pasting for mentioning work meetings - if you have to travel you have to travel and it’s not good to be having to deal with this at the same time.

The only person you can change is you. If your wife has given up on things, then perhaps the best bet is to give her the space to work out how and when she wants to separate, and make sure you get advice from a solicitor at this stage. Mediation is helpful if there are children involved. You may not be able to persuade her to stay in the marriage, but you may be able to influence how civil and constructive the divorce process is.

Your children will remember your behaviour. It doesn’t matter if it’s your wife instigating this, or if it’s her fault: they won’t see that - they’ll just see how you both react. You might feel right now that you want your wife to tell your children how much she is to blame but I think that could be a pyrrhic victory. Just agree how to tell them, centering their needs not yours and it’ll probably come out much later that she instigated it. Also you’ll have proof if she applies for the divorce.

If this were a woman posting she would be applauded for prioritising her career so she could leave the marriage.

You should listen to that and try to understand.

Read the book. It was written by a man who didn’t get what his wife was saying. Sometime after divorce he finally understood.

You come across very passive aggressive, self-centred, and not a good parent. I’m fully understanding STBExWife’s perspective. Don’t make this worse than it has to be for the children.

I'm sorry for your situation. Hope you can move on gracefully for the children's sake.

It depends on whether she feels it’s fixable. Why’s she bored? Do you go out together? Does she socialise without you? What do you do during evenings at home? Why does she feel unloved?

How old is she? Could she be perimenopausal? Women sometimes need a lot of loving from a partner when going through that. They can feel quite fragile and need extra hugs and kindness. Sometimes, they want to be alone more.

Being pregnant, giving birth, breastfeeding, looking after babies, toddlers and primary kids can be relentlessly draining over a number a years. More so for a mother, as it’s her body doing it all and changing. You get to a point when you want someone to be there for you and make you feel desired and special.

If you want to stay with her, and promise to be more aware of her needs, but she says it’s not fixable and she wants to split, I don’t think you should leave it only to her to tell the DC. Parents must always be mature for their kids.

Blame it all on the wife. I’m sure your angelic behavior has had no bearing on her feelings. You just sound dismissive and that’s not understanding. That’s just passive aggressive behavior. Mister perfect, I’m sure you think so.

Yeah, I wondered that too. I’ve been in business for nearly 50 years but have never heard of it.

I’ve been to meetings which included quite a few c***s though. Perhaps that’s what it means. 😄

There are so many snidey replies in this thread. This is one of them.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I'm sorry for all the bitchy responses.
It's seems as though she hasn't been communicative. You did find a therapist and were hoping to try work this through.
The same thing happened to my brother who did his best. Tried to work at the marriage but his narc wife decided one day she wanted him out. It's not fair on men who do suffer silently.

You've not been on Mumsnet long then. There are lots of posters on here who refer to their C-suite jobs. I'd never heard of the term until I joined Mumsnet. But then I don't move in C-suite circles.

Aah. Got it now. I was right first time 😂

A-level: All arseholes; B-level: All bastards; D-level: all dick-heads, and so on. I’m run a small research business, with most of my clients being big companies, or Government, so I should know. 😀

And OP, Mate: Anyone who uses phrases like ‘I have to present at a C-level meeting’ is a pompous arse. Really senior people don’t talk like that. Your wife may have a point. Please think it through.

You don’t sound particularly self aware. I’m guessing that arguing with you is a bit like banging your head against a brick wall. You say she’s unhappy because she doesn’t feel loved, is bored etc but can’t back it up. She doesn’t need to back it up. Every time she tells you how she feels and you tell her she needs to back it up, you are dismissing her.

You are both responsible for the state of your marriage yet you are blaming her. She is blowing it up, and she has to tell the children that it’s her fault. Ridiculous. Your children’s welfare should be at the front of your mind and instead of helping this transition for them, you want to use their sadness and confusion as a weapon to bash your wife with for having the gall to walk away.

When men flush their careers down the toilet to raise kids, you'll have a point about double standards.

I do. But I’ve never heard of it, and would only take the p!ss if I had.

Fray wrote matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/ too. It explains why I've lost patience with the few faithful non-abusive men I've dated.

That looks like my kitchen sink now, thank god I'm single 😆

I then said that she’d have to tell the children she was blowing up the marriage and I wouldn’t be going along with any stories to whitewash what’s really going on

This says it all really. Damaging your own children like that shouldn't be used as punishment for wanting to end the marriage.

Doesn’t feel loved, don’t listen, bored, you name it. All labels with not much to back it up
How very dismissive. Of course it must be "psychological" 🙄

This is not a 'saga'. It does not need multiple threads. You need to listen to your wife and ensure that you work together to find a way to end the marriage with as least impact as possible on the children

@Boglehead Every single human being in the whole world has the same basic human right to choose whether or not they want to remain in a relationship with any person that they are in a relationship with. This includes you and this includes your wife too.

I’m sorry that you want to save your marriage but your wife doesn’t. It is painful and difficult. But, it is not ok to tell her that she has to tell the children that it is her blowing up the marriage. That is completely unfair on your children and quite damaging to them. Children need to know that both mum and dad love them even if mum and dad seperate. They don’t need to be dragged into marital issues. That is the last thing any child needs.

And your wife is an adult human being and shouldn’t be forced into saying something that she doesn’t agree with or wants to say or forced into saying something that she thinks is wrong to say.

Everything I just wrote applies to everyone regardless of being male or female.

FWIW there are plenty of men on Mumsnet. You really don’t have to announce yourself as if it’s highly unusual for a man to post here.

It’s taken a long time to get to this point. Did you ever listen to her and take on board what was making her unhappy?