Saga continues, Wife is finished.

[Boglehead]

A man back again to annoy you all.

Wife told me she wants a divorce a month or so ago.

I then said that she’d have to tell the children she was blowing up the marriage and I wouldn’t be going along with any stories to whitewash what’s really going on.

She then changed what she said to she’s “done” and is saying she never used the word divorce.

She’s now pushing back on couples counselling, refusing to meet the therapist I have found after much effort.

I have some important work meetings this week that I’m travelling to Europe for. I feel shit & said to her today I didn’t want this hanging over me all week. I want to know for certain that she’ll go to counselling and we can try and work on things.

She’s refusing to commit, saying all I need to know is she’s done and she needs time. She’s so aggressive, angry and is treating me with contempt. I really feel there some psychological back story here. Maybe I’m a total clown and deserve to be treated this way 🤷‍♂️

So I have to head away on Sunday with this hanging over me for the week and try to perform, run C level meetings, present etc.

I feel she’ll serve papers when I get back from this business trip or at the very least in the summer when our children finish exams.

Unless she has an epiphany over the next week it sounds to me like she’s out?

I think he's far to dismissive of her feelings to be able to hold a meaningful conversation about why she no longer loves him or wants to be with him.

I don’t think it’s her who has the communicating issue….

I mean this comment kind of proves her point.

Sorry but those are very vague excuses. Anyone with an ounce of decency who talk through their problems and try to resolve them. If unresolvable, then yes go ahead and divorce. It doesn't appear that she has made much effort to communicate what's really bothering her, or given her husband a chance to rectify it.

Sounds like your VERY Important Job has taken priority over your marriage for too long and she’s sick to the back teeth of it. The whole tone of your post implies that this is all very inconvenient for you at a time when you have VERY Important C Level Meetings coming up. How about, you cancel your work trip, and take urgent annual leave in an attempt to salvage your marriage?
You won’t, because you don’t care enough- but you’re ready to blame the break down of your marriage on her entirely. Your reductive language about her reasoning for ending the marriage speaks volumes as to how much attention you pay her, how much you respect her opinion, and how little value you place on how she feels. You say she’s vague in her explanations- the probable reason is that she’s so used to you being dismissive, or absent in one way or another, that she can’t be bothered to waste her breathe.
It also gross that you seem to be trying to manipulate or bully her out of this decision by seemingly gleefully telling her that she is responsible for explaining the break up to the children.

That’s a big assumption. Does it seem likely?

And you know this how?

how do you know she hadn’t spent hours over the years trying to explain over and over to him what the problem as and he doesn’t consistently just boil it down to ‘doesn’t feel loved with no evidence to back it up’ etc etc?

Another man here on mumsnet to slate his wife! I bet you know she’s on here and are hoping she’ll see this and everyone will slate her! Go to daddy or Reddit please and thank you!

Dude, she’s just not that into you. Why are you whining on here that you want her to promise you she’ll go to counselling. Is it NOT FAIR because there has been NO ABUSE/AFFAIR?

A VERY IMPORTANT one.
OP wants us to undrstand that he has a VERY IMPORTANT JOB.

These replies are crazy. The vitriol is off the scale and makes the majority of posters sound like bitter man haters.

I actually think OP does have a right to be annoyed. People don't just suddenly wake up and decide they are done. Its a slow drip over a period of time. If it is the case that they have only had one argument months ago in regards to their relationship, Then his wife has shown at very least, poor communication which has denied OP the opportunity to address their issues and help repair the relationship before things got to this point.

It sounds as though she feels op does not put enough effort into their relationship whilst simultaneously not putting enough effort into the relationship herself by not communicating her needs. He has a right to feel hurt.

Or posters who have experienced years of desperately trying to communicate with their male partners to be treated as silly hysterical women with no ‘evidence’ to back up their feelings and recognise the utterly dismissive tone and attitude of the OP.

Basically she is "Done" so you can move out and still fund household expenses. But she doesn't want an expensive divorce with an uncertain outcome. Doesn't matter how you got here but you need to prioritize your kids and then stick up for yourself.

Do you think the wife has just woken up and asked for a divorce?

How don't you know if your partner is that unhappy? Do you want to stay in a relationship when the other person doesn't want to be there?

I'm no man hater, and would give the same advice to a woman posting.

I agree with this.

Deeply unpleasant response to someone in a very difficult situation.

If your marriage does fail it is very important that you deal with approaching the chidlren together and co-operatively. I then said that she’d have to tell the children she was blowing up the marriage and I wouldn’t be going along with any stories to whitewash what’s really going on - that is a very immature way of going about things and will involve your children in taking sides in what is a problem for you as a couple - please do not manipulate them during the course of resolving this. Their well-being needs to be the priority as you navigate this problem.

It must be very hard for you to deal with this sudden change in your circumstances but please do not let your anger and hurt be loaded on the children.

If the roles were reversed here, and the husband had suddenly come out with something similar, everyone would be saying 'cherchez la femme' or variations of it, rather than lots of posters telling the OP that it must be their fault.

Yes she does. Are you mental?
You can't just announce you want a divorce without justification

False equivalence.

Feel free to elaborate.

The rest of the time she’s surly and can be quite nasty. She can’t seem to get pleasure from the simple things in life anymore.

As you talked about the saga continuing, I did a search on your user name. You said this about her.

Don't you deserve better? Wouldn't you be better off apart.
She's away a lot of the time, and you have 4 DC(teens) who would also be a lot happier without the atmosphere that is probably in your house when she's home?

Total and utter rubbish.

Or maybe to show the conflicting pressures he is under.

There is a really nasty side to some mumsnet posters .
This is not a good place to post if you need a bit of empathy OP.
It sounds very difficult and sad. Put the children first and focus on their wellbeing. You won’t ever regret doing that, @Boglehead

She’s having an affair and is being vile to you to force your hand so she doesn’t have to.
She’s checked out.
I’m sorry 😔