Saga continues, Wife is finished.

[Boglehead]

A man back again to annoy you all.

Wife told me she wants a divorce a month or so ago.

I then said that she’d have to tell the children she was blowing up the marriage and I wouldn’t be going along with any stories to whitewash what’s really going on.

She then changed what she said to she’s “done” and is saying she never used the word divorce.

She’s now pushing back on couples counselling, refusing to meet the therapist I have found after much effort.

I have some important work meetings this week that I’m travelling to Europe for. I feel shit & said to her today I didn’t want this hanging over me all week. I want to know for certain that she’ll go to counselling and we can try and work on things.

She’s refusing to commit, saying all I need to know is she’s done and she needs time. She’s so aggressive, angry and is treating me with contempt. I really feel there some psychological back story here. Maybe I’m a total clown and deserve to be treated this way 🤷‍♂️

So I have to head away on Sunday with this hanging over me for the week and try to perform, run C level meetings, present etc.

I feel she’ll serve papers when I get back from this business trip or at the very least in the summer when our children finish exams.

Unless she has an epiphany over the next week it sounds to me like she’s out?

Why does she want a divorce?

Why don't you want a divorce? It sounds like your marriage is over.

If you've posted before it might be helpful to link your thread to save having to give all the background again.

Serious question - what is she saying she needs time for if she's done? To start divorce proceedings?

Do you often have to go away for your Very Important Work Meetings, and have you ever given much thought to who is looking after the kids and keeping the house running? Does she work too? Has she tried to express what's wrong in the past, and have you listened to her?

Doesn’t feel loved, don’t listen, bored, you name it. All labels with not much to back it up.

No abuse or affair on my part.

I then said that she’d have to tell the children she was blowing up the marriage and I wouldn’t be going along with any stories to whitewash what’s really going on.

This speaks volumes about you as a person. If your marriage is done, please go to the Relate website- they have advice on how you can both help your children navigate it. This is .... not exactly what they recommend.

Why does she need to back it up? She doesn't have to justify wanting a divorce to you or anyone. If she wants one, she gets one.

You can’t force someone to go to counselling, and what would be the point as it seems your marriage is over.

I don’t know anyone who hasn’t had to juggle work with emotional distress. It obviously very difficult. Either tell work you feel you can’t attend the meetings, or try and find a way to plough through with it. Don’t use your children as pawns, it’s better to have parents apart than cause extra emotional distress to them.

You sound like you only care about yourself. And don’t drag your children into it, total dick move

As someone who often feels bottom of the priority list, I feel for your wife. She doesn’t need to justify her feelings, she’s told you and your reaction sounds quite dismissive which is all the ‘back up’ required.

Ah. I see what's going on here.

Your relationship is at crisis point, but your work meetings are more important to you than trying to save your marriage.

Maybe you need to think about that.

Why do you want to married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to you?

Oh well that’s ok then !

Do you make any effort with her ? Do you listen to her ?

No abuse or affair but do you do your bit with the kids/house etc.?

Nah, I’m a home worker mainly and pull my weight. I make a similar contribution to running the household. She works full time also.

Other than abusive digs she’s never tried to talk to me about her unhappiness. Argument a few months back about mundane stuff and she decided one day to blow up the marriage.

Her refusal to commit is because she doesn't want to save the marriage. Accept that and get a divorce. Contempt for a partner is the harbinger of death to any marriage.

Sure, I am hands on.

Yes I realise that

Consider that there may be another man.

What is a ‘C’ level meeting?

So you threaten to make any separation difficult for your children and to potentially share information inappropriately with them and you’re now frustrated she won’t commit to what she really wants, which is to be rid of you.

When any relationship breaks down, regardless of what sex you are, there are signs things aren’t going well. You’ve missed them/ignored them/been in denial about them. There is no way your wife just wants to “blow up” your marriage for no reason. If she feels very strongly this is beyond repair, the best thing you can do is respect her wishes. She would not have taken this decision lightly, especially if there are children involved. Rather than looking at blaming each other, make this an amiable split as that’s in the best interest of the family. If she was undecided, this is the best way forward. Sometimes you have to let things go, anything else will just push her further away from you.
Good luck to both of you, I’m sure there is fault on both sides - but you should always respect her wishes.

Don’t you just hate it when the domestic appliances go on the fritz when you have to be away Being Very Important?

That’s such a low bar, no abuse no affair.

Also no love, no respect, and certainly no solace or being a team together.

Have you considered that there is actually very little substance to your relationship, and that maybe this is for the best?

You come across as quite angry and very passive aggressive. This “she’d have to tell the children she was blowing up the marriage and I wouldn’t be going along with any stories to whitewash what’s really going on.” is really horrible of you. Denigrating your children’s other parent to the child is absolutely scummy, and no amount of “but I was angry” will fix it down the line (Voice of experience).

You’re obviously quite senior, and I guess it’s a shock that you have been oblivious to something fairly important happening. It does seem to me that she has told you- you didn’t listen to her. That’s not tenable in a marriage.

Op I’m sorry for your situation, but as you’re a man you won’t get any sympathy here, this is Mumsnet and your default position will be on the back foot. Defending yourself will become exhausting. I suggest you log off and try to find someone in real life that you can confide to. I wish you luck.