Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband gives me the ‘ick’ - can we come back from this?

235 replies

ToothHurtyAppointment · 14/03/2025 13:25

Just that really. 24 years and the last five or so he’s given me the ick. Just listing things here to get it all out and see if this marriage can be salvaged.

  • when I’m not around he is really nasty to our children (older teens). I feel he’s jealous I’m close to them and he’s not. But he’s never been there for them and understandably, they want little to do with him when he’s dam right sneaky and mean to them.
  • he is really clingy to me. When he’s home he really just wants to cuddle all the time and do nothing else. Literally just lay in bed and cuddle. We have a 5 year old who needs us (he’s not nasty to her…yet). We have housework. We have a tonne of things to do but he would only be happy if it was just me and him in bed for an entire weekend.
  • if I ever put Netflix on or anything on tv, which is not very often, he’ll leave the room and give me the silent treatment. If I’m ever on my phone (he can see me just playing solitaire) he will punish me by giving me the silent treatment. If I ever check social media (I only have TikTok to watch pimple popping videos), that’s when he starts saying he thinks I’m going to leave him.
  • i am a teacher, if i have work to do over the weekend in the study, he constantly checks up on me, making silly excuses to come into the room (like pretending he is looking for something). I know he’s checking up on me, thinking I’m having some sort of online affair or something.
  • he’s very paranoid that I’ll leave him for someone better. His words. So sometimes he’ll come home from work and be in a mood because he “thinks I deserve better” and that I’ll leave him. This sucks any happiness out of the house. Nothing sets this off. Honestly, if we were to split the very last thing on earth I’d want is another man.
  • he doesn’t help with any housework or car work or garden work unless I get to a point and lose my shit. Then he’ll magically start helping for a week or so before reverting back.
  • he’s constantly moody.
  • over the years he’s “accidentally” broken pretty much anything that was ever special to me. I’m not sentimental but each of our children’s hand casts from when they were babies have all been broken by him dropping them over the years. He says he’ll fix them but never has.
  • he coughs and sneezes SO loud all the time. For years.
  • doesn’t brush his teeth. Ever. Or visit a dentist.
  • Disrespectful of my time. If I mop the floor he’ll walk straight on it with shoes on etc.

Due to the above he’s just become so unattractive to me now. I’ve mentally checked out of the marriage. I can’t bear to have him near me. He constantly refers to me as his best friend but he never wants to do anything except cuddle me. But because of how he is, I can’t be near him, he’s given me the ick. I can’t come back from this, can I?

OP posts:
UpUpUpU · 14/03/2025 13:27

Point 1 was as far as I read. Leaving is a no brainer, for your children's sake.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/03/2025 13:28

I wouldn't want to move past it. Why on earth would you? He's a bad father. Regardless of how he is with you, that's dreadful.

Terrribletwos · 14/03/2025 13:28

It all sounds so awful! You're not really in a proper relationship now. Can you leave?

MrsTheodoreLogan · 14/03/2025 13:28

Christ almighty - it is beyond the ice isn't isn't it? He's repulsive - stinking breath and being a bully to his own kids? Does he have a single good quality? Does he earn a lot, do all the housework? I cannot understand why you are asking here when the answer seems blindingly obvious!

Purplepandabears · 14/03/2025 13:28

I'm sorry OP, I have the ick just from reading this. I can't imagine how hard it'd be to be in your shoes - the jealousy of your children is something I personally couldn't get over. Hope you get some more knowledgeable answers. 💐

loropianalover · 14/03/2025 13:28

Didn’t read past point 1. That’s not an ‘ick’, stop trivialising it. Why are you allowing this?

littleluncheon · 14/03/2025 13:29

That's not the ick, he's coercive, controlling and abusive to your children.
Why do you want to come back from that? Throw this whole man out.

Hysterectomynext · 14/03/2025 13:30

I’m so overjoyed to be single. Op i don’t know what to say. I couldn’t stand it. I’m a single mum and I’m happy. I feel I’ve missed out by always being alive but then I read your post and realise I’m so lucky. I hope things improve for you whatever it takes

Mrsbloggz · 14/03/2025 13:31

The whole point of being in a relationship is that it is mutually beneficial, it makes both of your lives better, this man sounds like a poisonous, jealous weird snake of a person😬

Maitri108 · 14/03/2025 13:31

Why are you with this prick? Why have you stayed in a relationship with a man who is a nasty piece of work?

You haven't described any positive attributes, he's nasty to your children, lazy, unhygienic, controlling and breaks your stuff and you're still there.

Channellingsophistication · 14/03/2025 13:32

That’s a little bit more than getting the ick. He is an abusive, controlling, moody bully!

Point 1) alone is your reason to leave.

Original poster
ToothHurtyAppointment · 14/03/2025 13:32

You are right, I don’t even want to salvage this. I guess because he used to be amazing I’m trying to hang onto that. Also the guilt that I used to be a SAHM when the children were young and he was supportive of that, I feel indebted to him because I had that amazing opportunity. But come to think of it, that’s exactly how he wanted me. Reliant on him. He’s only become like this since I’ve been back full time teaching. I know deep down it’s over. I don’t even know why I posted tbh. I felt like I need permission to leave but I don’t need that. I can just go.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 14/03/2025 13:33

It’s not just a case of the ick, this man sounds unhinged.
Teaching is such a busy job, you have children, and you are facing this every day.
And then the feeth…. disgusting.
Why put yourself through this any longer? Just end it and free yourself.

Finigrate · 14/03/2025 13:33

God no. Sounds horrible. Get out while you can. Some of this stuff is abusive.

Redruby2020 · 14/03/2025 13:33

Hi OP, gosh lol sounds like my DF some of it.
Well there are a couple of things here, this is no way to live, no matter what you had or what things were like before, if they were better?
It's not anymore.
He is disrespectful and also abusive with some of what he does.

You need to get out of this situation now, but advice and support should be taken first I think, it's great that you have come on to speak about this here, but for example how would you leave/how do you think he would react to that?

Channellingsophistication · 14/03/2025 13:34

Why would you feel indebted to be staying at home with the children? He went to work and your job was at home looking after the family and you were doing everything anyway. I suspect he would’ve liked you being financially reliant on him.

can you make a plan to leave him?

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/03/2025 13:34

ToothHurtyAppointment · 14/03/2025 13:32

You are right, I don’t even want to salvage this. I guess because he used to be amazing I’m trying to hang onto that. Also the guilt that I used to be a SAHM when the children were young and he was supportive of that, I feel indebted to him because I had that amazing opportunity. But come to think of it, that’s exactly how he wanted me. Reliant on him. He’s only become like this since I’ve been back full time teaching. I know deep down it’s over. I don’t even know why I posted tbh. I felt like I need permission to leave but I don’t need that. I can just go.

You have more than permission. You have an obligation to leave.

Fraggeek · 14/03/2025 13:34

He's right. You do deserve better. And right now, better is not being with someone who is nasty to your children. Regardless of age.

In fact that should be the one and only point on your list as everything else is by the by if he's not treating his children well.

TomatoSandwiches · 14/03/2025 13:35

Just start the process of leaving op, he sounds unforgivable.

BettyBardMacDonald · 14/03/2025 13:36

Unbelievable. You had how many kids by a weird, paranoid manchild who clearly hates his own offspring?

What a horrible and damaging environment for them. Doesn't that alone motivate you to leave him?

Planetmonster · 14/03/2025 13:36

Um any of those point would be enough for me to leave in your situation.

esp the brushing teeth ?!?! And being mean to the kids.

get ducks in a row
get solicitors advice
don’t tell him or warn him
sounes like he could turn very nasty and want ‘no on else to have you’

Leave but stay safe

Original poster
ToothHurtyAppointment · 14/03/2025 13:37

Thank you, this is helpful for me. If I leave he will be devastated. He’d respect my decision I think, though try and change my mind. He’d think there’s someone else. We’ve only ever had each other, I’ve been with him since we were 15. He honestly used to be the most amazing person, I’ve no idea what or how this happened.

Argh I know I’ve got to leave. It’s just going to be so complicated. I don’t know if I can afford anywhere on just my salary. I’m really only staying at this point so the children have a better quality of life but the price I’m paying for the material things and lifestyle is costing me my happiness…

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 14/03/2025 13:38

Your poor children.
Please don't waste any more time on this vile, abusive, controlling bully. Leave ASAP and don't look back!

theansweris42 · 14/03/2025 13:38

OP sending support. And just to say I think he's well aware he's being abusive.

He's saying you deserve better/you'll leave to manipulate you into "reassuring him"... By staying. Ignore it.

Keep going.

Redruby2020 · 14/03/2025 13:38

ToothHurtyAppointment · 14/03/2025 13:32

You are right, I don’t even want to salvage this. I guess because he used to be amazing I’m trying to hang onto that. Also the guilt that I used to be a SAHM when the children were young and he was supportive of that, I feel indebted to him because I had that amazing opportunity. But come to think of it, that’s exactly how he wanted me. Reliant on him. He’s only become like this since I’ve been back full time teaching. I know deep down it’s over. I don’t even know why I posted tbh. I felt like I need permission to leave but I don’t need that. I can just go.

Also even though it was great if you had him support you to be a sahm, that was for you as a family, also for kids that are his too, and would of helped him to work, if it meant him not having to be involved with day care/paying fees if you both needed more childcare so you could work.
Yes it seems like also he is not happy you have your own career.

People will say where it comes to abuse, that oh 'but she works' etc he let her or didn't stop that, but it's not that simple. They will still show it in one way or the other.