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Original poster

Husband gives me the ‘ick’ - can we come back from this?

235 replies

ToothHurtyAppointment · 14/03/2025 13:25

Just that really. 24 years and the last five or so he’s given me the ick. Just listing things here to get it all out and see if this marriage can be salvaged.

  • when I’m not around he is really nasty to our children (older teens). I feel he’s jealous I’m close to them and he’s not. But he’s never been there for them and understandably, they want little to do with him when he’s dam right sneaky and mean to them.
  • he is really clingy to me. When he’s home he really just wants to cuddle all the time and do nothing else. Literally just lay in bed and cuddle. We have a 5 year old who needs us (he’s not nasty to her…yet). We have housework. We have a tonne of things to do but he would only be happy if it was just me and him in bed for an entire weekend.
  • if I ever put Netflix on or anything on tv, which is not very often, he’ll leave the room and give me the silent treatment. If I’m ever on my phone (he can see me just playing solitaire) he will punish me by giving me the silent treatment. If I ever check social media (I only have TikTok to watch pimple popping videos), that’s when he starts saying he thinks I’m going to leave him.
  • i am a teacher, if i have work to do over the weekend in the study, he constantly checks up on me, making silly excuses to come into the room (like pretending he is looking for something). I know he’s checking up on me, thinking I’m having some sort of online affair or something.
  • he’s very paranoid that I’ll leave him for someone better. His words. So sometimes he’ll come home from work and be in a mood because he “thinks I deserve better” and that I’ll leave him. This sucks any happiness out of the house. Nothing sets this off. Honestly, if we were to split the very last thing on earth I’d want is another man.
  • he doesn’t help with any housework or car work or garden work unless I get to a point and lose my shit. Then he’ll magically start helping for a week or so before reverting back.
  • he’s constantly moody.
  • over the years he’s “accidentally” broken pretty much anything that was ever special to me. I’m not sentimental but each of our children’s hand casts from when they were babies have all been broken by him dropping them over the years. He says he’ll fix them but never has.
  • he coughs and sneezes SO loud all the time. For years.
  • doesn’t brush his teeth. Ever. Or visit a dentist.
  • Disrespectful of my time. If I mop the floor he’ll walk straight on it with shoes on etc.

Due to the above he’s just become so unattractive to me now. I’ve mentally checked out of the marriage. I can’t bear to have him near me. He constantly refers to me as his best friend but he never wants to do anything except cuddle me. But because of how he is, I can’t be near him, he’s given me the ick. I can’t come back from this, can I?

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 14/03/2025 13:39

ToothHurtyAppointment · 14/03/2025 13:32

You are right, I don’t even want to salvage this. I guess because he used to be amazing I’m trying to hang onto that. Also the guilt that I used to be a SAHM when the children were young and he was supportive of that, I feel indebted to him because I had that amazing opportunity. But come to think of it, that’s exactly how he wanted me. Reliant on him. He’s only become like this since I’ve been back full time teaching. I know deep down it’s over. I don’t even know why I posted tbh. I felt like I need permission to leave but I don’t need that. I can just go.

Yes, you have validation and you can just go. This is not the life you imagined. Change it. I hope you have the strength to change it. Your kids will probably thank you. Good luck.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/03/2025 13:39

This is way way beyond the ick op. I have absolutely no idea why you wouldn’t have left years and years ago. He’s nasty to your children?!?
And with reference to ‘worried you’ll find someone better’ of course you will, because I would really hope that most men are better than this. Being single would also be a billion times better.

mrsmalaprop · 14/03/2025 13:40

I don’t even know where to start with this, OP.

As others have said, this is not ‘the ick’. This is far worse than just going off someone. Who could live with a man like this?

He is:

emotionally manipulative
possessive
lazy
unhygienic
nasty to your children (this one alone would make me walk)
bullying (silent treatment is abusive)
controlling

All of that from one averagely long post.

I think you knew before you wrote it that you need to leave. If you need to hear YANBU then have a big, fat YANBU from me. Leave him as soon as you can.

Sosoftandfluffycat · 14/03/2025 13:40

Ugh, he sounds horrendous. That is no life for you or your children. You have no reason for feeling indebted to him, you were doing the job of looking after the children and probably everything else. He sounds jealous and revolting. Start making plans but don't let him know as he sounds nasty. Do it for your kids if nothing else.

NeverHadHaveHas · 14/03/2025 13:40

He’s an abusive bully to your teens and you are complicit in that by allowing it to continue. Your children will likely remember that you allowed it to continue if you don’t leave or ask him to leave.

Redruby2020 · 14/03/2025 13:41

theansweris42 · 14/03/2025 13:38

OP sending support. And just to say I think he's well aware he's being abusive.

He's saying you deserve better/you'll leave to manipulate you into "reassuring him"... By staying. Ignore it.

Keep going.

Exactly and it's not like when it could be a sweet nice man, who sadly has a few insecurities. He says it to make you feel bad, and is suspicious because he knows he is horrible.

Maitri108 · 14/03/2025 13:41

I’m really only staying at this point so the children have a better quality of life

Really? You think living with a nasty piece of work gives them a better quality of life? They don't want to know the piece of crap and you sound deluded.

Terrribletwos · 14/03/2025 13:42

NeverHadHaveHas · 14/03/2025 13:40

He’s an abusive bully to your teens and you are complicit in that by allowing it to continue. Your children will likely remember that you allowed it to continue if you don’t leave or ask him to leave.

Edited

Harsh and unnecessary. You don't know what she may have gone through.

theansweris42 · 14/03/2025 13:42

Well with less money, some material things might be more difficult .... But you'll also lose the negative impact on your and your DCs mental health.

The DC must have seen and smelled enough of the teeth/breath situation alone!

NeverHadHaveHas · 14/03/2025 13:43

Terrribletwos · 14/03/2025 13:42

Harsh and unnecessary. You don't know what she may have gone through.

Show quote history

No it’s not, it’s factual. She knows he’s bullying them. She isn’t preventing it.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/03/2025 13:43

‘A better quality of life’ ?!?

when they live with someone who is nasty to them?

Holdmeclosertinydancer2018 · 14/03/2025 13:43

He's not jealous of the fact you have a better relationship with you kids, he's jealous you that you have ANY relationship with them because he wants you to himself. He sounds awful.

TomatoSandwiches · 14/03/2025 13:43

" staying for the children. "

No op you need to LEAVE for the children, and yourself but truly, get your children away from their bully father, it will destroy them to stay.

theansweris42 · 14/03/2025 13:45

From experience, nothing will be worse. He'll have to pay maintenance.

You may have less money overall but you will manage, truly.

oakleaffy · 14/03/2025 13:46

He sounds really horrid.

I'd not be able to manage that.

A dog treading feet across a newly washed floor is understandable- but not a grown ass man.

Why doesn't he take his shoes off?!

The rest of it is worse.

Living alone would be preferable, surely?!

oakleaffy · 14/03/2025 13:47

theansweris42 · 14/03/2025 13:42

Well with less money, some material things might be more difficult .... But you'll also lose the negative impact on your and your DCs mental health.

The DC must have seen and smelled enough of the teeth/breath situation alone!

His teeth must be like a mossy dry stone wall... But less attractive.

CautiousLurker01 · 14/03/2025 13:49

UpUpUpU · 14/03/2025 13:27

Point 1 was as far as I read. Leaving is a no brainer, for your children's sake.

My thoughts too. This is not about the ick, it’s about realising you are in a coercive controlling relationship but have been looking the other way. For your DCs sake, as well as your own, I’d end this.

Original poster
ToothHurtyAppointment · 14/03/2025 13:49

Maitri108 · 14/03/2025 13:41

I’m really only staying at this point so the children have a better quality of life

Really? You think living with a nasty piece of work gives them a better quality of life? They don't want to know the piece of crap and you sound deluded.

They do have a good quality of life, as in they have a nice home and everything they could ever want and need.

He is only nasty to them when I’m not around. Which genuinely is not often as he works early morning until late evening. He doesn’t usually see the kids throughout the week and I’m with them all at the weekends. I’ve only found out the full extent of it this afternoon, so it’s not like I’ve deliberately let this happen. I knew he occasionally said some things to the children that were underhand when he’d drive them somewhere etc, but today I found out more as he’s taken the kids away last night for an event and upset them all by being a nasty bully to them.

It’s wrong what he’s done, I don’t condone it. But it isn’t a regular occurrence that the kids are exposed to. I’m not deluded. I’ve found out just today how he’s spoken to them and asked if he’s said things like that before, and that’s where it’s all come out. That’s what prompted this post really. I already felt ick but that was the straw that’s broke the camel’s back.

OP posts:
FortyElephants · 14/03/2025 13:49

This is not the ick. This is a dead marriage to a total dickhead.

Sosoftandfluffycat · 14/03/2025 13:51

You may have less money and less material things but you will manage and you'll be so much happier. Just imagine the relief of not having to live with this man! No one spying on you and trying to drag you into bed all the time, teens not having to walk on eggshells. There are no positives in staying.

PoppyBaxter · 14/03/2025 13:51

This doesn't sound like 'the ick'. This sounds like he's not a very nice person at all and you're finally coming to your senses.

NeverHadHaveHas · 14/03/2025 13:53

Saying that they have a good quality of life is only your perspective.
If he has been sneakily bullying them - albeit sporadically - for years, they would very likely trade their material advantages for an emotionally safe and secure environment. So now you know, the onus is on you to provide one because he’s clearly an abusive fuckwit they aren’t emotionally safe with him.

Sunat45degrees · 14/03/2025 13:53

He sounds like a covert narcissist. Obviously, I'm not an expert nor can anyyone diagnose from a few posts online. BUT I think it would be useful for you to take a look at traits. At the end of the day, he's using guilt and victim-mentality to m ake you feel like you have to do what HE wants.

Maitri108 · 14/03/2025 13:55

@ToothHurtyAppointment

Ok OP you're not deluded. You have teenagers who want nothing to do with their dad because he was never there for them and is mean to them.

And you truly believed that keeping your children living in this toxicity was better for them.

Luckily you've now seen the light and can start creating a better life for all of you.

HuskyNew · 14/03/2025 13:57

ToothHurtyAppointment · 14/03/2025 13:32

You are right, I don’t even want to salvage this. I guess because he used to be amazing I’m trying to hang onto that. Also the guilt that I used to be a SAHM when the children were young and he was supportive of that, I feel indebted to him because I had that amazing opportunity. But come to think of it, that’s exactly how he wanted me. Reliant on him. He’s only become like this since I’ve been back full time teaching. I know deep down it’s over. I don’t even know why I posted tbh. I felt like I need permission to leave but I don’t need that. I can just go.

You have our permission to leave.

Go get the life you want.

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