Husband gives me the ‘ick’ - can we come back from this?

[ToothHurtyAppointment]

Just that really. 24 years and the last five or so he’s given me the ick. Just listing things here to get it all out and see if this marriage can be salvaged.

• when I’m not around he is really nasty to our children (older teens). I feel he’s jealous I’m close to them and he’s not. But he’s never been there for them and understandably, they want little to do with him when he’s dam right sneaky and mean to them.
• he is really clingy to me. When he’s home he really just wants to cuddle all the time and do nothing else. Literally just lay in bed and cuddle. We have a 5 year old who needs us (he’s not nasty to her…yet). We have housework. We have a tonne of things to do but he would only be happy if it was just me and him in bed for an entire weekend.
• if I ever put Netflix on or anything on tv, which is not very often, he’ll leave the room and give me the silent treatment. If I’m ever on my phone (he can see me just playing solitaire) he will punish me by giving me the silent treatment. If I ever check social media (I only have TikTok to watch pimple popping videos), that’s when he starts saying he thinks I’m going to leave him.
• i am a teacher, if i have work to do over the weekend in the study, he constantly checks up on me, making silly excuses to come into the room (like pretending he is looking for something). I know he’s checking up on me, thinking I’m having some sort of online affair or something.
• he’s very paranoid that I’ll leave him for someone better. His words. So sometimes he’ll come home from work and be in a mood because he “thinks I deserve better” and that I’ll leave him. This sucks any happiness out of the house. Nothing sets this off. Honestly, if we were to split the very last thing on earth I’d want is another man.
• he doesn’t help with any housework or car work or garden work unless I get to a point and lose my shit. Then he’ll magically start helping for a week or so before reverting back.
• he’s constantly moody.
• over the years he’s “accidentally” broken pretty much anything that was ever special to me. I’m not sentimental but each of our children’s hand casts from when they were babies have all been broken by him dropping them over the years. He says he’ll fix them but never has.
• he coughs and sneezes SO loud all the time. For years.
• doesn’t brush his teeth. Ever. Or visit a dentist.
• Disrespectful of my time. If I mop the floor he’ll walk straight on it with shoes on etc.

Due to the above he’s just become so unattractive to me now. I’ve mentally checked out of the marriage. I can’t bear to have him near me. He constantly refers to me as his best friend but he never wants to do anything except cuddle me. But because of how he is, I can’t be near him, he’s given me the ick. I can’t come back from this, can I?

I think you owe it to your older children to live separately from him. This way they can have respite from being abused in their own home.
You say he was never like this, when did it start as you said he never does housework until you lose it?
Your 5 year old will end up being alone with him for his custody time. Unless your older children choose to go/act as shields for when they ultimately get treated the same.
What is his mum/dad like to each other?

This isn't ick. I clicked on the thread to start the ick is a load of nonsense and of course you can come back from it if you work togther on your marriage. But this is different. He verbally abuses your children and NEVER brushes his teeth? No wonder he thinks you'll leave him.

I'm repulsed enough to stop at #2, so I can't advice on what you'd even try to get back ☹️.
Poor children.

Now that you know that he is bullying your children you HAVE to divorce him.

Well ‘ick’ is a huge understatement on your part isn’t it. Having written that list I don’t know how you can stay. What are you coming back to? The whole thing sounds awful. It’s hardly like you have the ick because you don’t like his new haircut.

Ick is the way he sniffs or him insisting on wearing a corny t shirt. Any one of the things you list is more than a valid reason to end the relationship.

No, you can't get past this and more to the point why would you want to?
He sounds utterly repulsive.

Do you think he could be unwell? Is he not brushing his teeth ever? Could the smell be coming up his throat? The fact his behaviour/ personality has changed, I would insist on a full medical check-up and insist he brush his teeth.

Obviously it doesn't condone his treatment of your daughter but if you don't want him having sole care of your children upon separation then maybe he could get improve.

It sounds like he hasn't learned to be a decent parent, is he modelling his own parents perhaps.

He is abusive and has been controlling you for many years. You know what you need to do OP. He reminds me so much of someone I dated when I was much younger. When I tried to leave him he threatened suicide and when that didn't work he then told me he had terminal cancer. So be prepared, he will try to control you right til the end.

Yes. He has to go. Instigate a divorce and stay safe. 💐

Thank you, this is helpful for me. If I leave he will be devastated.

Win Win then

UGH, he sounds disgusting both physically and emotionally.

He DOESN'T BRUSH HIS TEETH?? I mean wow, that's enough let alone the rest!

He's created something of a self fulfilling prophecy here, all this paranoia that you'll leave him....

OP, kindly meant, but you need to get on to Women's aid and ask about self reporting to SS asap.

You can do that. Your children have come to you about his emotional and verbal abuse of them.

You have proof of that via the texts and that you had to fly to them.

I would be self reporting and I would be asking for help to protect them.

This is so shocking to read.
He is deeply deeply mentally unstable.

I wouldn't want him coming back to the house.
I would be calling 101 for advice.

I don't think you can honestly believe that this has not damaged your children.

This is so not normal behaviour.
I would not feel safe around him knowing what you now know.

I would be telling him to pack a bag and go to family or you will involve the police.

OP I think you are downplaying the effect this has been having on your children.

I can totally see that you care, very deeply, and you've not intentionally let this happen, but saying "it genuinely doesn't affect them"/"they don't care" is denial. Of course it affects them. It's their dad. Whether they respect him on a conscious level is one thing, but on a subconscious, emotional level, they need to feel the love and care from him. They will be hugely damaged by this. I second @Molstraat completely.

What an awful pile on you’ve had @ToothHurtyAppointment
You will be ok and so will your kids.
Yoir husband goes beyond the “ick” … good luck xxx

I am assuming the poster reported my comment as i pointed out that you apparently travelled 5hours….but state the time difference is 12 hours ? It’s not possible…..

Can you explain how you travelled 5 hours…but are in a 12 hour time difference ??

It’s not piling on to give honest opinions. There has been no name calling or abuse toward the OP.

Shit, shit, shit. How did it come to this, OP?
He is properly, 100% a lunatic. It goes without saying that you must leave him.
It usually really annoys me when people say this, but I’m amazed you haven’t already

doesn’t brush his teeth. Ever. Or visit a dentist.

Considering you are talking about him giving you the ick, I seriously can't believe this was so far down the list. This is major ick. I mean this alone is a huge reason to leave. What's taken you so long?

OP, you can ask your children to report your husband for his mistreatment of them to their teachers.
The school are obligated to report this to SS.
It could speed things along.

But you've got a five year-old?

What sex is that child btw?

He is controlling and sexist.
He is akso a bully .

Yep, it’s not the ick.
Its full on impossibility to stand someone like this.
And with very good reasons.