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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband gives me the ‘ick’ - can we come back from this?

235 replies

ToothHurtyAppointment · 14/03/2025 13:25

Just that really. 24 years and the last five or so he’s given me the ick. Just listing things here to get it all out and see if this marriage can be salvaged.

  • when I’m not around he is really nasty to our children (older teens). I feel he’s jealous I’m close to them and he’s not. But he’s never been there for them and understandably, they want little to do with him when he’s dam right sneaky and mean to them.
  • he is really clingy to me. When he’s home he really just wants to cuddle all the time and do nothing else. Literally just lay in bed and cuddle. We have a 5 year old who needs us (he’s not nasty to her…yet). We have housework. We have a tonne of things to do but he would only be happy if it was just me and him in bed for an entire weekend.
  • if I ever put Netflix on or anything on tv, which is not very often, he’ll leave the room and give me the silent treatment. If I’m ever on my phone (he can see me just playing solitaire) he will punish me by giving me the silent treatment. If I ever check social media (I only have TikTok to watch pimple popping videos), that’s when he starts saying he thinks I’m going to leave him.
  • i am a teacher, if i have work to do over the weekend in the study, he constantly checks up on me, making silly excuses to come into the room (like pretending he is looking for something). I know he’s checking up on me, thinking I’m having some sort of online affair or something.
  • he’s very paranoid that I’ll leave him for someone better. His words. So sometimes he’ll come home from work and be in a mood because he “thinks I deserve better” and that I’ll leave him. This sucks any happiness out of the house. Nothing sets this off. Honestly, if we were to split the very last thing on earth I’d want is another man.
  • he doesn’t help with any housework or car work or garden work unless I get to a point and lose my shit. Then he’ll magically start helping for a week or so before reverting back.
  • he’s constantly moody.
  • over the years he’s “accidentally” broken pretty much anything that was ever special to me. I’m not sentimental but each of our children’s hand casts from when they were babies have all been broken by him dropping them over the years. He says he’ll fix them but never has.
  • he coughs and sneezes SO loud all the time. For years.
  • doesn’t brush his teeth. Ever. Or visit a dentist.
  • Disrespectful of my time. If I mop the floor he’ll walk straight on it with shoes on etc.

Due to the above he’s just become so unattractive to me now. I’ve mentally checked out of the marriage. I can’t bear to have him near me. He constantly refers to me as his best friend but he never wants to do anything except cuddle me. But because of how he is, I can’t be near him, he’s given me the ick. I can’t come back from this, can I?

OP posts:
Passmetheaero · 14/03/2025 13:57

Jesus fucking Christ!

Well he’s right about one thing….. you do deserve better.

Reading between the lines, you want rid of him. And nobody could blame you.

Assuming you’re going to split with the idiot, would you want to stay in that house and have him leave, or do you want a fresh start with the kids in a new property?

TomatoSandwiches · 14/03/2025 13:57

ToothHurtyAppointment · 14/03/2025 13:49

They do have a good quality of life, as in they have a nice home and everything they could ever want and need.

He is only nasty to them when I’m not around. Which genuinely is not often as he works early morning until late evening. He doesn’t usually see the kids throughout the week and I’m with them all at the weekends. I’ve only found out the full extent of it this afternoon, so it’s not like I’ve deliberately let this happen. I knew he occasionally said some things to the children that were underhand when he’d drive them somewhere etc, but today I found out more as he’s taken the kids away last night for an event and upset them all by being a nasty bully to them.

It’s wrong what he’s done, I don’t condone it. But it isn’t a regular occurrence that the kids are exposed to. I’m not deluded. I’ve found out just today how he’s spoken to them and asked if he’s said things like that before, and that’s where it’s all come out. That’s what prompted this post really. I already felt ick but that was the straw that’s broke the camel’s back.

Show quote history

They know their father doesn't like them op, you need to help them and get them away from him, living with your bully is one way to a dysfunctional life, they deserve better and now you know you need to step up as the safe parent or you will be complicit in their abuse.

Wake up.

ThatsCute · 14/03/2025 13:57

Imagine living under the same roof as your bully, your mum knowing full well that you’re being bullied, and doing nothing to remove you from the environment, under the guise that your life is better under the same roof as your bully.

These children will one day make a therapist very wealthy.

Mrsbloggz · 14/03/2025 13:58

He's unpleasant to them while you're not there, punishing them because you're at work earning your own money which reduces the amount to which he can control you.
SO MANY of them are like this, always this need to dominate and be in control of things so that they get all the rewards and the women do all the menial low status work.

justsmellyemm · 14/03/2025 13:59

did not read it all, I’ve already left him

Daisyvodka · 14/03/2025 14:00

Just remember, if he tries to apologise, say he'll do better, tries to get you back...

There is something deeply wrong with a man whose instincts lead him to being nasty to his own children, repeatedly, from a young age. Sometimes we get stressed and we might shout if get exasperated... but to get nasty and do it repeatedly... the fact his brain doesn't go 'that's a child so I won't lash out' instinctively is so scary. And if he tries to say he'll change if you don't leave him... there's something even more wrong with a man that would only change to be nice to his kids because otherwise he wouldn't get what HE wants.

I hope your children can heal from their childhood. Wishing you all the best.

AnonymousBleep · 14/03/2025 14:01

No you can't come back from that. I'm amazed you've stuck it out this long.

ItGhoul · 14/03/2025 14:01

This isn't 'the ick' for fuck's sake, this is living with an abusive partner. He is abusive and controlling to not only you, but also your children.

LazyArsedMagician · 14/03/2025 14:01

He sounds disgusting and abusive.

kerstina · 14/03/2025 14:02

I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t brush their teeth!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2025 14:03

You've been in an abusive marriage with him for years. What have you got out of this relationship with him?. There must be something in it for you otherwise what is the point?. Did you grow up seeing similar abuse between your parents too?.

Their home is not the sanctuary it should be for either you or them and when you are away from home your H is further abusive to them. They have NO quality of life and material things also count for precisely nothing when you are raised in an abusive home environment. It's your children I feel for the most in all this because you people as their parents have let them down abjectly. You can only start to atone for your errors of judgment in staying with him to date by leaving him. And you only need to need to give your own self permission to leave.

NeverHadHaveHas · 14/03/2025 14:04

ThatsCute · 14/03/2025 13:57

Imagine living under the same roof as your bully, your mum knowing full well that you’re being bullied, and doing nothing to remove you from the environment, under the guise that your life is better under the same roof as your bully.

These children will one day make a therapist very wealthy.

Edited

100% this 👏
I have been the teenage child in this scenario and I can confirm that 25 years and a lot of therapy later I attribute some blame to my mother for not protecting me.

It’s not unusual for abused children to cling to the ‘a safe’ parent at the time of the abuse so that the relationship appears to be close, only for the child to then realise the extent of their ‘safe’ parent’s complicity when they mature and have time and space to reflect.

There is no such thing as a good quality of life and if you’re being bullied.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2025 14:05

Thie nice nasty cycle he shows you and in turn your kids is a continuous one. You've basically become inured to his abuses of you and that has cost your children so very dearly. The only way of preventing any more emotional harm here is to divorce him.

Isthiswhatmenthink · 14/03/2025 14:06

This was an absolutely appalling read. OP, I’m going to beg you to leave this utterly despicable piece of shit. He’s abusive.

But this was the worst for me. This is straight up sinister.

over the years he’s “accidentally” broken pretty much anything that was ever special to me. I’m not sentimental but each of our children’s hand casts from when they were babies have all been broken by him dropping them over the years. He says he’ll fix them but never has

BunnyLake · 14/03/2025 14:06

I’ve got the ‘ick’ just reading that. I couldn’t stay with him for the way he treats the kids never mind all the other unacceptable things. I think I would literally heave if he came anyway near me.

Imisscoffee2021 · 14/03/2025 14:08

Oh god, that list got more and more and more dreadful. Not brushing teeth ... ever!? Jealous... of his own children?? Convinced you're having an affair because he knows on some level he's failing you but instead of upping his own game and doing better, he's trying to control you with clingy cuddles to assuage his own insecurities, and breaking precious items from child's childhood...he should be cherishing those and the children as much as you do!

It's such a classic and even textbook way to behave when he knows really that he is failing younas a husband and the kids as a father, and I wouldn't be surprised if you did leave him he'd use emotional blackmail to try and make you stay.

Ick aside, this is a man I can't v
Imagine deserving your respect ever and I'm surprised you've put up with it so long.

Nanny0gg · 14/03/2025 14:08

mrsmalaprop · 14/03/2025 13:40

I don’t even know where to start with this, OP.

As others have said, this is not ‘the ick’. This is far worse than just going off someone. Who could live with a man like this?

He is:

emotionally manipulative
possessive
lazy
unhygienic
nasty to your children (this one alone would make me walk)
bullying (silent treatment is abusive)
controlling

All of that from one averagely long post.

I think you knew before you wrote it that you need to leave. If you need to hear YANBU then have a big, fat YANBU from me. Leave him as soon as you can.

@ToothHurtyAppointment He is abusing your children. That's the main thing

And how can you possible cuddle him? Envy

BunnyLake · 14/03/2025 14:09

ThatsCute · 14/03/2025 13:57

Imagine living under the same roof as your bully, your mum knowing full well that you’re being bullied, and doing nothing to remove you from the environment, under the guise that your life is better under the same roof as your bully.

These children will one day make a therapist very wealthy.

Edited

Read this again OP and again and again until it is etched in your brain, because this is absolutely spot on.

Kbroughton · 14/03/2025 14:09

The ick is when they eat loudly or their toilet is disgusting. What you are describing is not ick. It is abuse.

psuedocream3 · 14/03/2025 14:09

To be honest, it sounds like he has borderline personality disorder.

ItGhoul · 14/03/2025 14:11

ToothHurtyAppointment · 14/03/2025 13:49

They do have a good quality of life, as in they have a nice home and everything they could ever want and need.

He is only nasty to them when I’m not around. Which genuinely is not often as he works early morning until late evening. He doesn’t usually see the kids throughout the week and I’m with them all at the weekends. I’ve only found out the full extent of it this afternoon, so it’s not like I’ve deliberately let this happen. I knew he occasionally said some things to the children that were underhand when he’d drive them somewhere etc, but today I found out more as he’s taken the kids away last night for an event and upset them all by being a nasty bully to them.

It’s wrong what he’s done, I don’t condone it. But it isn’t a regular occurrence that the kids are exposed to. I’m not deluded. I’ve found out just today how he’s spoken to them and asked if he’s said things like that before, and that’s where it’s all come out. That’s what prompted this post really. I already felt ick but that was the straw that’s broke the camel’s back.

Show quote history

They do have a good quality of life, as in they have a nice home and everything they could ever want and need.

He is only nasty to them when I’m not around.

It’s wrong what he’s done, I don’t condone it. But it isn’t a regular occurrence that the kids are exposed to.

I'm sorry, but how can you be so naive and passive about this? Do you seriously believe that your children's quality of life is unaffected by the fact that their father bullies them in secret?

It's worse that he's only nasty to them when you're not there, OP. Can't you see that?

He knows he's being nasty and he's deliberately concealing it. He is only nasty when you're not there because he knows that they are vulnerable then. That is far, far more insidious and sinister than being an arsehole to everyone all the time. It's a calculated, deliberate and sly form of cruelty and you are really, really minimising it.

The thing is, most of the other things you list are ALSO abusive anyway, so even if he wasn't a shit to your children you should have left him long ago. But bullying the kids must, surely, be a non-negotiable dealbreaker for you.

WallaceinAnderland · 14/03/2025 14:12

That's not the ick. That's an abusive man bullying his wife and children.

Get him gone!

TinyTear · 14/03/2025 14:15

The only worry i'd have is leaving means he would have the kids ALONE without you for longer - and if he is already nasty, he would get worse...

Unfortunately you have the 5 year old... if it was just teens it would be different...

LtdEdition01 · 14/03/2025 14:15

I read through point 1 and thought there is no way he should do that to your children.
Leave him, you cannot come back from the ick when he behaves like that.

Dappy777 · 14/03/2025 14:15

Uggh, he sounds like a man baby. Was he spoiled as a child? Being clingy and needy is so unattractive. I’m not surprised he’s afraid you’ll leave him for someone better. They wouldn’t be hard to find!

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