Page 9 | Husband gives me the ‘ick’ - can we come back from this?

ToothHurtyAppointment · 2025-03-14T13:25:33+00:00

Just that really. 24 years and the last five or so he’s given me the ick. Just listing things here to get it all out and see if this marriage can be salvaged. - when I’m not around he is really nasty to our children (older teens). I feel he’s jealous I’m close to them and he’s not. But he’s never been there for them and understandably, they want little to do with him when he’s dam right sneaky and mean to them. - he is really clingy to me. When he’s home he really just wants to cuddle all the time and do nothing else. Literally just lay in bed and cuddle. We have a 5 year old who needs us (he’s not nasty to her…yet). We have housework. We have a tonne of things to do but he would only be happy if it was just me and him in bed for an entire weekend. - if I ever put Netflix on or anything on tv, which is not very often, he’ll leave the room and give me the silent treatment. If I’m ever on my phone (he can see me just playing solitaire) he will punish me by giving me the silent treatment. If I ever check social media (I only have TikTok to watch pimple popping videos), that’s when he starts saying he thinks I’m going to leave him. - i am a teacher, if i have work to do over the weekend in the study, he constantly checks up on me, making silly excuses to come into the room (like pretending he is looking for something). I know he’s checking up on me, thinking I’m having some sort of online affair or something. - he’s very paranoid that I’ll leave him for someone better. His words. So sometimes he’ll come home from work and be in a mood because he “thinks I deserve better” and that I’ll leave him. This sucks any happiness out of the house. Nothing sets this off. Honestly, if we were to split the very last thing on earth I’d want is another man. - he doesn’t help with any housework or car work or garden work unless I get to a point and lose my shit. Then he’ll magically start helping for a week or so before reverting back. - he’s constantly moody. - over the years he’s “accidentally” broken pretty much anything that was ever special to me. I’m not sentimental but each of our children’s hand casts from when they were babies have all been broken by him dropping them over the years. He says he’ll fix them but never has. - he coughs and sneezes SO loud all the time. For years. - doesn’t brush his teeth. Ever. Or visit a dentist. - Disrespectful of my time. If I mop the floor he’ll walk straight on it with shoes on etc. Due to the above he’s just become so unattractive to me now. I’ve mentally checked out of the marriage. I can’t bear to have him near me. He constantly refers to me as his best friend but he never wants to do anything except cuddle me. But because of how he is, I can’t be near him, he’s given me the ick. I can’t come back from this, can I?

FancyBeaker · 14/03/2025 23:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

NeverHadHaveHas · 15/03/2025 05:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Looks like it’s on you to protect them then. I hope you do that.

BellissimoGecko · 15/03/2025 07:37

I only had to read your first bullet point to know it can’t be salvaged. He’s mean and sneaky to your kids?? wtf?? They should be your priority.

Sounds like he’s been a shit/absent dad and he is now reaping what he’s sowed…

BellissimoGecko · 15/03/2025 07:41

Right, have read the rest of the list.

Your marriage is as dead as a dodo. Your h sounds very odd. I wonder why you have put up with it all these years? Just one of those things- especially the lack of housework - would be enough to dump him.

Good luck with it all. you and your dd deserve better.

Molstraat · 15/03/2025 08:42

I cannot get my head around the advanced age of your daughter and what she has endured.
That poor poor young woman.
He is a house terrorist.
Unbelievable that this is only coming to light now.

Catoo · 15/03/2025 09:31

Sounds like you should have had a little bit more than ‘the ick’ many years ago.

When you tell him to stop being mean, sneaky and foul to your children, what does he say?

How do you think your children have a better quality of life around this man? Also, surely it’s not just costing you your happiness? It’s theirs too living with such an appalling father.

Anyway, it’s time to do something so that your younger child doesn’t get the same awful treatment in a few years.

Go to a solicitor next week without him and find out what a divorce will look like. Take all your financials with you. You may be entitled to more than you think. Get everything organised so when you are ready you have a big head start on him.

In the meantime stand up for yourself. Watch whatever you want on TV and if he walks out of the room, all the better. Grey rock the silent treatment. Tell him to atop being an arsehole to your children. To stop interrupting you when you’re planning your work. Can you sleep in another room? Tell him his personal hygiene is too much to lie in bed next to. Don’t get pregnant to him again.

Even he knows you deserve better and yet he doesn’t so anything about it.

💐

Fmlgirl · 15/03/2025 11:26

I think not only does he sound insufferable but actually really unhinged. The mentioning of someone else, constant need for physical attention is worrying. I think he has the potential to flip. Also your kids don’t deserve the abuse and you need to leave asap. When you do, I would make sure I have people around me.

Molstraat · 15/03/2025 12:12

Fmlgirl · 15/03/2025 11:26

I think not only does he sound insufferable but actually really unhinged. The mentioning of someone else, constant need for physical attention is worrying. I think he has the potential to flip. Also your kids don’t deserve the abuse and you need to leave asap. When you do, I would make sure I have people around me.

I agree.
I would be fearful that he could harm his family.
He is so vile snd unhinged and has been abusing the whole family unchallenged for years.

I honestly think this is a 101 matter.
I would be so concerned about what he is capable of doing if challenged.

This is up there in one of the worst threads of children being abused for decades that I have ever read.

I cannot imagine the damage done to OP's daughter.

Crazycatlady79 · 15/03/2025 12:21

ToothHurtyAppointment · 14/03/2025 13:37

Thank you, this is helpful for me. If I leave he will be devastated. He’d respect my decision I think, though try and change my mind. He’d think there’s someone else. We’ve only ever had each other, I’ve been with him since we were 15. He honestly used to be the most amazing person, I’ve no idea what or how this happened.

Argh I know I’ve got to leave. It’s just going to be so complicated. I don’t know if I can afford anywhere on just my salary. I’m really only staying at this point so the children have a better quality of life but the price I’m paying for the material things and lifestyle is costing me my happiness…

And your children's happiness? You don't seem particularly fazed by the fact your husband bullies your older children?!

notasausage · 15/03/2025 16:53

You’ve made the first step by posting here. Do you have a trusted friend you can talk to - saying things out loud was a big part for me in accepting that they were so wrong I needed out. It will be hard in so many ways but so worth it on the other side. Have a look at Lorna Dugan on tiktok for info on toxic behaviours and how to deal with them - I’ve found her really helpful. Leah Leah Lump Lump was another on TikTok I found helpful - her experiences matched mine in so many ways and helped me rationalise what I needed to do. Good luck

Doone22 · 15/03/2025 17:15

Print this out and leave it lying around for him to sneak a look at.

Mrsbloggz · 15/03/2025 18:01

Doone22 · 15/03/2025 17:15

Print this out and leave it lying around for him to sneak a look at.

Na, dont be that dumb OP🤦🏼‍♀

Phoenixfire1988 · 15/03/2025 18:27

ToothHurtyAppointment · 14/03/2025 13:37

Thank you, this is helpful for me. If I leave he will be devastated. He’d respect my decision I think, though try and change my mind. He’d think there’s someone else. We’ve only ever had each other, I’ve been with him since we were 15. He honestly used to be the most amazing person, I’ve no idea what or how this happened.

Argh I know I’ve got to leave. It’s just going to be so complicated. I don’t know if I can afford anywhere on just my salary. I’m really only staying at this point so the children have a better quality of life but the price I’m paying for the material things and lifestyle is costing me my happiness…

You know the answer already and here you are trying to talk yourself out of it , material things mean nothing to your kids when they are being bullied by their own dad ! How long before he starts on the 5 yo ?

SwingasanPsychologist · 15/03/2025 19:03

What is there to come back TO? For what?!!!!! So you can continue to be mentally abused for another 40 years?

AlexandrinaH · 16/03/2025 01:31

Terrribletwos · 14/03/2025 13:42

Harsh and unnecessary. You don't know what she may have gone through.

Show quote history

Sadly, I know from personal experience that what this poster has said is true.

She needs to leave, whenever she can.

blueshoes · 16/03/2025 01:47

Does he hold a job? Seems unlikely if his behaviour is so repulsive.

If he has a job and is a different person when at work, he is doing this to you and the children deliberately. He is choosing to abuse his nearest and dearest.

Spooky2000 · 16/03/2025 09:57

The dog piling on here at times just makes me think that some women need to feel superior by bringing others down and highlights their own private insecurities. Are those that criticise so wonderful with their own kids and would up sticks immediately? Do you have such marvellous relationships that you can chuck shite at others? I've referenced this in other threads. Shame on you. You should be supporting, not criticising. Where's the sisterhood?

@ToothHurtyAppointment has said she won't be back here after some of the comments and perhaps she won't. She's got an emotionally immature man-child with clear attachment issues who over time has got worse and is now a resentful, childish bully to boot. I identified with the bulk of her points for a similar situation I was in and it's bloody draining to have a man like that. She's leaving. Good for her.

JustLetThem · 16/03/2025 10:00

Hey, @ToothHurtyAppointment just read through your messages and felt I just wanted to reach out to you. How are you doing now? How are things? Sounds a heck of a lot going through your mind. If you need some support or an ear to vent please feel free to do that! I hope you and your children are ok x

JustLetThem · 16/03/2025 10:11

Hey, @ToothHurtyAppointment just read through your messages and felt I just wanted to reach out to you. How are you doing now? How are things? Sounds a heck of a lot going through your mind. If you need some support or an ear to vent please feel free to do that! I hope you and your children are ok x

SkaterGrrrrl · 16/03/2025 22:05

NeverHadHaveHas · 14/03/2025 14:04

100% this 👏
I have been the teenage child in this scenario and I can confirm that 25 years and a lot of therapy later I attribute some blame to my mother for not protecting me.

It’s not unusual for abused children to cling to the ‘a safe’ parent at the time of the abuse so that the relationship appears to be close, only for the child to then realise the extent of their ‘safe’ parent’s complicity when they mature and have time and space to reflect.

There is no such thing as a good quality of life and if you’re being bullied.

Show quote history

Same 💐

elalba22 · 17/03/2025 16:22

Please don't let strangers on the Internet tell you to leave your husband of 20+ years and break up your family just so easily. You made a vow and you owe it to yourself and your children to try and fix your marriage. You can't do that if you are talking to people online and not your husband and a therapist. It is not fair to your husband that you are communicating this here and not transparently with him.
People these days toss each other to the curb so easily and the result is children from broken homes. Your husband obviously has a problem - he could be depressed, he could be having wounds from the childhood, he could be dealing with mental health issues. Unless he's abusing you and the children severely, I would try and learn to communicate through this and help him. That's what marriage is about. Marriage goes through periods but it is NOT about whims. Sometimes I dislike my husband for weeks, sometimes I feels so blessed to have him. We'd have nothing if I wanted to divorce when he slips up. As his wife, I see it as my duty to help set him back on the right track. That's love. If you hear anyone who's been married for a very long time, fighting for each other is what makes marriage work. And communication.
The advice given here is from people who know NOTHING about the memories and the love you and your husband have shared. The family you've created. Currently, your emotions are dead, but emotions come and go. Marriage should not rely on the whim of emotions, but on commitment and friendship. The more you invest in your marriage, the more you fight for it, the more the feelings change back into positive.
Your husband sounds like he's struggling immensely with mental health. Help him. Talk to him transparently and honestly. Go to the therapist together. Help him want to take care of himself again. That's how you love your person. If he refuses all of that and continuously refuses to fight with you for the salvation of your marriage and himself, then and only then, would I consider leaving him.

I wish you all the best. Please don't do anything that will change the life of your children forever because of an ick. Family is more of a serious commitment than emotions that come and go and can be worked on.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/03/2025 16:52

elalba22 · 17/03/2025 16:22

Please don't let strangers on the Internet tell you to leave your husband of 20+ years and break up your family just so easily. You made a vow and you owe it to yourself and your children to try and fix your marriage. You can't do that if you are talking to people online and not your husband and a therapist. It is not fair to your husband that you are communicating this here and not transparently with him.
People these days toss each other to the curb so easily and the result is children from broken homes. Your husband obviously has a problem - he could be depressed, he could be having wounds from the childhood, he could be dealing with mental health issues. Unless he's abusing you and the children severely, I would try and learn to communicate through this and help him. That's what marriage is about. Marriage goes through periods but it is NOT about whims. Sometimes I dislike my husband for weeks, sometimes I feels so blessed to have him. We'd have nothing if I wanted to divorce when he slips up. As his wife, I see it as my duty to help set him back on the right track. That's love. If you hear anyone who's been married for a very long time, fighting for each other is what makes marriage work. And communication.
The advice given here is from people who know NOTHING about the memories and the love you and your husband have shared. The family you've created. Currently, your emotions are dead, but emotions come and go. Marriage should not rely on the whim of emotions, but on commitment and friendship. The more you invest in your marriage, the more you fight for it, the more the feelings change back into positive.
Your husband sounds like he's struggling immensely with mental health. Help him. Talk to him transparently and honestly. Go to the therapist together. Help him want to take care of himself again. That's how you love your person. If he refuses all of that and continuously refuses to fight with you for the salvation of your marriage and himself, then and only then, would I consider leaving him.

I wish you all the best. Please don't do anything that will change the life of your children forever because of an ick. Family is more of a serious commitment than emotions that come and go and can be worked on.

Edited

So you advocate for the abuse of children?

NeverHadHaveHas · 17/03/2025 19:31

elalba22 · 17/03/2025 16:22

Please don't let strangers on the Internet tell you to leave your husband of 20+ years and break up your family just so easily. You made a vow and you owe it to yourself and your children to try and fix your marriage. You can't do that if you are talking to people online and not your husband and a therapist. It is not fair to your husband that you are communicating this here and not transparently with him.
People these days toss each other to the curb so easily and the result is children from broken homes. Your husband obviously has a problem - he could be depressed, he could be having wounds from the childhood, he could be dealing with mental health issues. Unless he's abusing you and the children severely, I would try and learn to communicate through this and help him. That's what marriage is about. Marriage goes through periods but it is NOT about whims. Sometimes I dislike my husband for weeks, sometimes I feels so blessed to have him. We'd have nothing if I wanted to divorce when he slips up. As his wife, I see it as my duty to help set him back on the right track. That's love. If you hear anyone who's been married for a very long time, fighting for each other is what makes marriage work. And communication.
The advice given here is from people who know NOTHING about the memories and the love you and your husband have shared. The family you've created. Currently, your emotions are dead, but emotions come and go. Marriage should not rely on the whim of emotions, but on commitment and friendship. The more you invest in your marriage, the more you fight for it, the more the feelings change back into positive.
Your husband sounds like he's struggling immensely with mental health. Help him. Talk to him transparently and honestly. Go to the therapist together. Help him want to take care of himself again. That's how you love your person. If he refuses all of that and continuously refuses to fight with you for the salvation of your marriage and himself, then and only then, would I consider leaving him.

I wish you all the best. Please don't do anything that will change the life of your children forever because of an ick. Family is more of a serious commitment than emotions that come and go and can be worked on.

Edited

What a load of shit.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 17/03/2025 19:58

So only leave your h if the abuse is "severe".

Oh my days @elalba22. I hope you don't have friends who are abused by their partners because you'd offer some truly shit advice and compromise their safety massively.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 17/03/2025 22:50

elalba22 · 17/03/2025 16:22

Please don't let strangers on the Internet tell you to leave your husband of 20+ years and break up your family just so easily. You made a vow and you owe it to yourself and your children to try and fix your marriage. You can't do that if you are talking to people online and not your husband and a therapist. It is not fair to your husband that you are communicating this here and not transparently with him.
People these days toss each other to the curb so easily and the result is children from broken homes. Your husband obviously has a problem - he could be depressed, he could be having wounds from the childhood, he could be dealing with mental health issues. Unless he's abusing you and the children severely, I would try and learn to communicate through this and help him. That's what marriage is about. Marriage goes through periods but it is NOT about whims. Sometimes I dislike my husband for weeks, sometimes I feels so blessed to have him. We'd have nothing if I wanted to divorce when he slips up. As his wife, I see it as my duty to help set him back on the right track. That's love. If you hear anyone who's been married for a very long time, fighting for each other is what makes marriage work. And communication.
The advice given here is from people who know NOTHING about the memories and the love you and your husband have shared. The family you've created. Currently, your emotions are dead, but emotions come and go. Marriage should not rely on the whim of emotions, but on commitment and friendship. The more you invest in your marriage, the more you fight for it, the more the feelings change back into positive.
Your husband sounds like he's struggling immensely with mental health. Help him. Talk to him transparently and honestly. Go to the therapist together. Help him want to take care of himself again. That's how you love your person. If he refuses all of that and continuously refuses to fight with you for the salvation of your marriage and himself, then and only then, would I consider leaving him.

I wish you all the best. Please don't do anything that will change the life of your children forever because of an ick. Family is more of a serious commitment than emotions that come and go and can be worked on.

Edited

What utter doormatty rubbish! Jesus, another time traveller from the 1950s