Husband gives me the ‘ick’ - can we come back from this?

[ToothHurtyAppointment]

Just that really. 24 years and the last five or so he’s given me the ick. Just listing things here to get it all out and see if this marriage can be salvaged.

• when I’m not around he is really nasty to our children (older teens). I feel he’s jealous I’m close to them and he’s not. But he’s never been there for them and understandably, they want little to do with him when he’s dam right sneaky and mean to them.
• he is really clingy to me. When he’s home he really just wants to cuddle all the time and do nothing else. Literally just lay in bed and cuddle. We have a 5 year old who needs us (he’s not nasty to her…yet). We have housework. We have a tonne of things to do but he would only be happy if it was just me and him in bed for an entire weekend.
• if I ever put Netflix on or anything on tv, which is not very often, he’ll leave the room and give me the silent treatment. If I’m ever on my phone (he can see me just playing solitaire) he will punish me by giving me the silent treatment. If I ever check social media (I only have TikTok to watch pimple popping videos), that’s when he starts saying he thinks I’m going to leave him.
• i am a teacher, if i have work to do over the weekend in the study, he constantly checks up on me, making silly excuses to come into the room (like pretending he is looking for something). I know he’s checking up on me, thinking I’m having some sort of online affair or something.
• he’s very paranoid that I’ll leave him for someone better. His words. So sometimes he’ll come home from work and be in a mood because he “thinks I deserve better” and that I’ll leave him. This sucks any happiness out of the house. Nothing sets this off. Honestly, if we were to split the very last thing on earth I’d want is another man.
• he doesn’t help with any housework or car work or garden work unless I get to a point and lose my shit. Then he’ll magically start helping for a week or so before reverting back.
• he’s constantly moody.
• over the years he’s “accidentally” broken pretty much anything that was ever special to me. I’m not sentimental but each of our children’s hand casts from when they were babies have all been broken by him dropping them over the years. He says he’ll fix them but never has.
• he coughs and sneezes SO loud all the time. For years.
• doesn’t brush his teeth. Ever. Or visit a dentist.
• Disrespectful of my time. If I mop the floor he’ll walk straight on it with shoes on etc.

Due to the above he’s just become so unattractive to me now. I’ve mentally checked out of the marriage. I can’t bear to have him near me. He constantly refers to me as his best friend but he never wants to do anything except cuddle me. But because of how he is, I can’t be near him, he’s given me the ick. I can’t come back from this, can I?

I agree. I feel that he would like to physically harm his childen if he could get away with it. He is jealous of his own kids because he knows that OP loves them much more than she loves him.

Its ok to get a clearer feel of the situation by running it through MN ;) Its ok to get support, inspiration and advice on here!

This reminds me of my FIL. A textbook narcissist to the core. Ignores my MIL for weeks. Punishes her. She was never allowed to go on any work trip ( obviously he feels like she will be exposed to "better". Gets jealous of the relationship she has with her kids, gets jealous when people socialise with her. Male or female. Isolated her from everyone, I'm sure at first she thought it was cute, "he wants me to himself". He farts Infront of people. Even we are around. Sits the whole day in sleepwear. Will give her dirty looks, she never knows what she did wrong. Always walking on egg shells. Doesn't make an effort in his appearance or to take care of his household. She is a complete shell of herself. Now in her 60s, took the best years of her life. Run OP!!! 🤞🤞

@ToothHurtyAppointment
You are minimising here OP sorry to say it.
Even if he was wonderful to the kids at all times in your presence or not.
There are all the things he does to you and the way he treats you.

If you want to go, you can go. It doesn’t sound like either of you are very happy.

The lack of teeth cleaning would be the line in the sand for me. He expects you to kiss him?!!
He's getting clingy because he can feel you've quite understandably withdrawn from the relationship.
You need to have a frank conversation about your relationship and it sounds like he needs to make consistent improvements in hygiene and behaviours whether you stay together or split. Line up your ducks re paperwork and know where you stand financially.

Oh he also coughs very loudly, sighs and puffs the whole day. He doesn't have friends, no life outside of her and has isolated her from everyone else, meaning she doesn't have friends. At the moment he is not speaking to her. What's new

You’re right to go. You’ve recognised he’s like this because you have a life outside of him and the home and he doesn’t want to share.
As others have said he’s controlling and abusive. End it.

My father was just like this op. He hated us because we were conpetition for my mother’s attention. I only remember his sly put downs, him counting down until we were old enough to be thrown out. He was constantly obsessed with my mother in a really controlling way, and still is. 60 years on. He hit us too, although it doesn’t sound like your dh does this, but I suffered far more from him annihilating my self esteem and confidence. it was corrosive.

My mother was not like you op. She decided on balance it was better for her to stay, financially. So she did.

He carried on being abusive, and eventually as soon as I was old enough I dropped them both - him completely and my mother to very very low contact. I don’t want to see them.

Had my mother put us first and cared about us enough, she would still have a decent relationship with her dc. I can’t really forgive her for putting herself first. I can’t really believe she stood by and allowed our childhood to be ruined by him.

He has got worse with age, she can’t breath without him standing over her, telling her what to do. He has become more difficult and more rude. They have no friends, no family, no life - exactly how he wanted it.

Leave and salvage the respect and love of your children. The five year old can see him with supervised access if necessary. Don’t her grow up thinking this is normal.

The ‘ick’ is an understatement - poor you and your poor older children. I’m afraid this is clearly beyond salvaging and you need to leave. I’d have had a nervous breakdown by now putting up with all that.

I don’t want to kiss my boyfriend of 6 weeks because he doesn’t brush his teeth is the ick. What you’ve described is a controlling and abusive man who is deeply nasty to the whole family. The bit about breaking your precious trinkets is chilling.

It’s a fairly significant drip feed to say you only found out today based on your first few posts. I imagine that is why you are getting the responses suggesting that you’re complicit.

If this continues, and you stay, and keep your kids in this environment, you will end up with adult children who move 200 miles away and don't visit. They won't just cut ties with him, they'll cut them with you too, because they won't understand why you saw the abuse but didn't do anything about it.

Yes, he might be devastated if you leave, but that's not your problem. His feelings are his problem to deal with, and you have to trust that he is an adult and can deal with them himself. It is not your job to stay in the marriage so that he doesn't have to deal with unpleasant emotions. Do not set yourself on fire to keep him warm. There's a book by melodie beattie called Codependent No More which you might find interesting.

I am in exactly the same place as you. Agree with every word. x.

All of the things you have posted sound pretty intolerable. It’s more than the ick. It sounds like it’s making you horribly miserable to be living with him.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve not to be checked up upon and walk on egg shells (and so do your children)
Dont feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about. His behaviour has become impossible to live with and you have fallen out of love- no matter how amazing he once was, he’s not now.

Just one of those points would do it for me. You are a saint to have put up with him for so long.

I hope you don't kiss him if he doesn't brush his teeth.

That isn't what I'd describe as the 'ick'. It's realising you're married to an abusive man.

You're doing the right thing op, he sounds like a foul beast and how dare he expect his children to compliment him... for what exactly?!

This isn’t the ick. The ick is an irrational response. Your feelings regarding his disgusting behaviour and habits are entirely rational. He is abusive and controlling and gross.

I got ‘the ick’ reading all those points too, op.

He sounds really odd. The way he treats his older kids is worrying, in itself.
I don’t think you can come back from this ( not sure why you would want to tbh)
He has obvious trust issues, he sounds like a man child..and not brushing his teeth?

For the sake of your kids and your well being, I think you should leave him.

God, he sounds awful. This is more than the ick. Bullying your kids, manipulating you, the hygiene stuff - ugh.

You must leave him OP.

He sounds awful. The things you've listed aren't the ick they're fundamental personality red flags.
The ick would be if for example you didn't like his new beard, or he'd put on loads of weight but was still a decent person. Then you might have something to work with

I couldn't abide nastiness to the children and for that I would be leaving him.

God he sounds repulsive.

I agree.

Plus you have a very long list.