Page 10 | Husband gives me the ‘ick’ - can we come back from this?

Isthiswhatmenthink · 17/03/2025 22:56

elalba22 · 17/03/2025 16:22

Please don't let strangers on the Internet tell you to leave your husband of 20+ years and break up your family just so easily. You made a vow and you owe it to yourself and your children to try and fix your marriage. You can't do that if you are talking to people online and not your husband and a therapist. It is not fair to your husband that you are communicating this here and not transparently with him.
People these days toss each other to the curb so easily and the result is children from broken homes. Your husband obviously has a problem - he could be depressed, he could be having wounds from the childhood, he could be dealing with mental health issues. Unless he's abusing you and the children severely, I would try and learn to communicate through this and help him. That's what marriage is about. Marriage goes through periods but it is NOT about whims. Sometimes I dislike my husband for weeks, sometimes I feels so blessed to have him. We'd have nothing if I wanted to divorce when he slips up. As his wife, I see it as my duty to help set him back on the right track. That's love. If you hear anyone who's been married for a very long time, fighting for each other is what makes marriage work. And communication.
The advice given here is from people who know NOTHING about the memories and the love you and your husband have shared. The family you've created. Currently, your emotions are dead, but emotions come and go. Marriage should not rely on the whim of emotions, but on commitment and friendship. The more you invest in your marriage, the more you fight for it, the more the feelings change back into positive.
Your husband sounds like he's struggling immensely with mental health. Help him. Talk to him transparently and honestly. Go to the therapist together. Help him want to take care of himself again. That's how you love your person. If he refuses all of that and continuously refuses to fight with you for the salvation of your marriage and himself, then and only then, would I consider leaving him.

I wish you all the best. Please don't do anything that will change the life of your children forever because of an ick. Family is more of a serious commitment than emotions that come and go and can be worked on.

Edited

This should be removed. This is genuinely appalling.

Catoo · 18/03/2025 14:57

That post from @elalba22 is absolutely creeping me out.

OP I hope you take no notice of it.

He has been more than abusive enough to your children for to you to leave him several times over.

The days are long gone where a woman has to sacrifice everything to ‘save a marriage’ just because she made a vow decades ago to a man who later turned out to be a complete arsehole. And nope, it isn’t up to OP to get him to a doctor to work out why he’s a twat to his children.

There is another life waiting for you OP.

Mmhmmn · 18/03/2025 17:43

ToothHurtyAppointment · 14/03/2025 13:25

Just that really. 24 years and the last five or so he’s given me the ick. Just listing things here to get it all out and see if this marriage can be salvaged.

when I’m not around he is really nasty to our children (older teens). I feel he’s jealous I’m close to them and he’s not. But he’s never been there for them and understandably, they want little to do with him when he’s dam right sneaky and mean to them.
he is really clingy to me. When he’s home he really just wants to cuddle all the time and do nothing else. Literally just lay in bed and cuddle. We have a 5 year old who needs us (he’s not nasty to her…yet). We have housework. We have a tonne of things to do but he would only be happy if it was just me and him in bed for an entire weekend.
if I ever put Netflix on or anything on tv, which is not very often, he’ll leave the room and give me the silent treatment. If I’m ever on my phone (he can see me just playing solitaire) he will punish me by giving me the silent treatment. If I ever check social media (I only have TikTok to watch pimple popping videos), that’s when he starts saying he thinks I’m going to leave him.
i am a teacher, if i have work to do over the weekend in the study, he constantly checks up on me, making silly excuses to come into the room (like pretending he is looking for something). I know he’s checking up on me, thinking I’m having some sort of online affair or something.
he’s very paranoid that I’ll leave him for someone better. His words. So sometimes he’ll come home from work and be in a mood because he “thinks I deserve better” and that I’ll leave him. This sucks any happiness out of the house. Nothing sets this off. Honestly, if we were to split the very last thing on earth I’d want is another man.
he doesn’t help with any housework or car work or garden work unless I get to a point and lose my shit. Then he’ll magically start helping for a week or so before reverting back.
he’s constantly moody.
over the years he’s “accidentally” broken pretty much anything that was ever special to me. I’m not sentimental but each of our children’s hand casts from when they were babies have all been broken by him dropping them over the years. He says he’ll fix them but never has.
he coughs and sneezes SO loud all the time. For years.
doesn’t brush his teeth. Ever. Or visit a dentist.
Disrespectful of my time. If I mop the floor he’ll walk straight on it with shoes on etc.

Due to the above he’s just become so unattractive to me now. I’ve mentally checked out of the marriage. I can’t bear to have him near me. He constantly refers to me as his best friend but he never wants to do anything except cuddle me. But because of how he is, I can’t be near him, he’s given me the ick. I can’t come back from this, can I?

"when I’m not around he is really nasty to our children (older teens)."

Why would you want to come back from that?

You found him out ages ago, OP. He is a vile person to be in a relationship with. He destroys your things. These things on their own are both reasons enough to recognise your own unhappiness and that you did not sign up for that shit.

I think you know that. What you maybe don't know is how to proceed. I think you also know him well enough to figure out the best and safest way to end the relationship if you think that's going to be an issue - but folks here can also help if you need advice on practicalities. He certainly sounds like a complete arsehole but these people are far weaker than they appear. You are the strong one, he is the weak messy one. He will try to appeal to your kind and empathic nature and promise to change. Don't be fooled. He should never have done these things to you, or been that person in the first place.

Mmhmmn · 18/03/2025 17:49

elalba22 · 17/03/2025 16:22

Please don't let strangers on the Internet tell you to leave your husband of 20+ years and break up your family just so easily. You made a vow and you owe it to yourself and your children to try and fix your marriage. You can't do that if you are talking to people online and not your husband and a therapist. It is not fair to your husband that you are communicating this here and not transparently with him.
People these days toss each other to the curb so easily and the result is children from broken homes. Your husband obviously has a problem - he could be depressed, he could be having wounds from the childhood, he could be dealing with mental health issues. Unless he's abusing you and the children severely, I would try and learn to communicate through this and help him. That's what marriage is about. Marriage goes through periods but it is NOT about whims. Sometimes I dislike my husband for weeks, sometimes I feels so blessed to have him. We'd have nothing if I wanted to divorce when he slips up. As his wife, I see it as my duty to help set him back on the right track. That's love. If you hear anyone who's been married for a very long time, fighting for each other is what makes marriage work. And communication.
The advice given here is from people who know NOTHING about the memories and the love you and your husband have shared. The family you've created. Currently, your emotions are dead, but emotions come and go. Marriage should not rely on the whim of emotions, but on commitment and friendship. The more you invest in your marriage, the more you fight for it, the more the feelings change back into positive.
Your husband sounds like he's struggling immensely with mental health. Help him. Talk to him transparently and honestly. Go to the therapist together. Help him want to take care of himself again. That's how you love your person. If he refuses all of that and continuously refuses to fight with you for the salvation of your marriage and himself, then and only then, would I consider leaving him.

I wish you all the best. Please don't do anything that will change the life of your children forever because of an ick. Family is more of a serious commitment than emotions that come and go and can be worked on.

Edited

Oh, the poor, poor husband.
At any and all costs, prostrate yourself to the poor husband's plight.

You must have missed the bit about his being nasty to the children whenever OP is not there i.e. abuse. And destroying OP's special things. But sure, the OP is duty bound to stick to a shit husband because that's a wife's place no matter how bad or suffocating daily life is.. It's on OP to heal his wounds. Dear oh dear.

thepariscrimefiles · 18/03/2025 18:23

elalba22 · 17/03/2025 16:22

Please don't let strangers on the Internet tell you to leave your husband of 20+ years and break up your family just so easily. You made a vow and you owe it to yourself and your children to try and fix your marriage. You can't do that if you are talking to people online and not your husband and a therapist. It is not fair to your husband that you are communicating this here and not transparently with him.
People these days toss each other to the curb so easily and the result is children from broken homes. Your husband obviously has a problem - he could be depressed, he could be having wounds from the childhood, he could be dealing with mental health issues. Unless he's abusing you and the children severely, I would try and learn to communicate through this and help him. That's what marriage is about. Marriage goes through periods but it is NOT about whims. Sometimes I dislike my husband for weeks, sometimes I feels so blessed to have him. We'd have nothing if I wanted to divorce when he slips up. As his wife, I see it as my duty to help set him back on the right track. That's love. If you hear anyone who's been married for a very long time, fighting for each other is what makes marriage work. And communication.
The advice given here is from people who know NOTHING about the memories and the love you and your husband have shared. The family you've created. Currently, your emotions are dead, but emotions come and go. Marriage should not rely on the whim of emotions, but on commitment and friendship. The more you invest in your marriage, the more you fight for it, the more the feelings change back into positive.
Your husband sounds like he's struggling immensely with mental health. Help him. Talk to him transparently and honestly. Go to the therapist together. Help him want to take care of himself again. That's how you love your person. If he refuses all of that and continuously refuses to fight with you for the salvation of your marriage and himself, then and only then, would I consider leaving him.

I wish you all the best. Please don't do anything that will change the life of your children forever because of an ick. Family is more of a serious commitment than emotions that come and go and can be worked on.

Edited

Better a child from a broken home than a child living with an abusive father.

gamerchick · 18/03/2025 18:58

elalba22 · 17/03/2025 16:22

Please don't let strangers on the Internet tell you to leave your husband of 20+ years and break up your family just so easily. You made a vow and you owe it to yourself and your children to try and fix your marriage. You can't do that if you are talking to people online and not your husband and a therapist. It is not fair to your husband that you are communicating this here and not transparently with him.
People these days toss each other to the curb so easily and the result is children from broken homes. Your husband obviously has a problem - he could be depressed, he could be having wounds from the childhood, he could be dealing with mental health issues. Unless he's abusing you and the children severely, I would try and learn to communicate through this and help him. That's what marriage is about. Marriage goes through periods but it is NOT about whims. Sometimes I dislike my husband for weeks, sometimes I feels so blessed to have him. We'd have nothing if I wanted to divorce when he slips up. As his wife, I see it as my duty to help set him back on the right track. That's love. If you hear anyone who's been married for a very long time, fighting for each other is what makes marriage work. And communication.
The advice given here is from people who know NOTHING about the memories and the love you and your husband have shared. The family you've created. Currently, your emotions are dead, but emotions come and go. Marriage should not rely on the whim of emotions, but on commitment and friendship. The more you invest in your marriage, the more you fight for it, the more the feelings change back into positive.
Your husband sounds like he's struggling immensely with mental health. Help him. Talk to him transparently and honestly. Go to the therapist together. Help him want to take care of himself again. That's how you love your person. If he refuses all of that and continuously refuses to fight with you for the salvation of your marriage and himself, then and only then, would I consider leaving him.

I wish you all the best. Please don't do anything that will change the life of your children forever because of an ick. Family is more of a serious commitment than emotions that come and go and can be worked on.

Edited

Fuck me, Do you knock on people's doors waving bibles about as well? curious to know what level of abuse tips from acceptable to unacceptable.

Disturbia81 · 19/03/2025 08:19

UpUpUpU · 14/03/2025 13:27

Point 1 was as far as I read. Leaving is a no brainer, for your children's sake.

This. OP I wouldn’t put up with any of this. It’s NOT normal.

Disturbia81 · 19/03/2025 08:21

Catoo · 18/03/2025 14:57

That post from @elalba22 is absolutely creeping me out.

OP I hope you take no notice of it.

He has been more than abusive enough to your children for to you to leave him several times over.

The days are long gone where a woman has to sacrifice everything to ‘save a marriage’ just because she made a vow decades ago to a man who later turned out to be a complete arsehole. And nope, it isn’t up to OP to get him to a doctor to work out why he’s a twat to his children.

There is another life waiting for you OP.

It’s creeping me out too.. just reminds me of my parents generation (70+) where they all stayed together miserable and hating each other because splitting would “harm the kids/be shameful”.
Thank god it’s changed.

flower858 · 20/03/2025 12:07

Get rid

LT1233 · 21/03/2025 14:39

Never brushing his teeth isn't even an ick, it's literally a reason to not be with(in 5 feet of) someone. Grim af