Husband gives me the ‘ick’ - can we come back from this?

[ToothHurtyAppointment]

Just that really. 24 years and the last five or so he’s given me the ick. Just listing things here to get it all out and see if this marriage can be salvaged.

• when I’m not around he is really nasty to our children (older teens). I feel he’s jealous I’m close to them and he’s not. But he’s never been there for them and understandably, they want little to do with him when he’s dam right sneaky and mean to them.
• he is really clingy to me. When he’s home he really just wants to cuddle all the time and do nothing else. Literally just lay in bed and cuddle. We have a 5 year old who needs us (he’s not nasty to her…yet). We have housework. We have a tonne of things to do but he would only be happy if it was just me and him in bed for an entire weekend.
• if I ever put Netflix on or anything on tv, which is not very often, he’ll leave the room and give me the silent treatment. If I’m ever on my phone (he can see me just playing solitaire) he will punish me by giving me the silent treatment. If I ever check social media (I only have TikTok to watch pimple popping videos), that’s when he starts saying he thinks I’m going to leave him.
• i am a teacher, if i have work to do over the weekend in the study, he constantly checks up on me, making silly excuses to come into the room (like pretending he is looking for something). I know he’s checking up on me, thinking I’m having some sort of online affair or something.
• he’s very paranoid that I’ll leave him for someone better. His words. So sometimes he’ll come home from work and be in a mood because he “thinks I deserve better” and that I’ll leave him. This sucks any happiness out of the house. Nothing sets this off. Honestly, if we were to split the very last thing on earth I’d want is another man.
• he doesn’t help with any housework or car work or garden work unless I get to a point and lose my shit. Then he’ll magically start helping for a week or so before reverting back.
• he’s constantly moody.
• over the years he’s “accidentally” broken pretty much anything that was ever special to me. I’m not sentimental but each of our children’s hand casts from when they were babies have all been broken by him dropping them over the years. He says he’ll fix them but never has.
• he coughs and sneezes SO loud all the time. For years.
• doesn’t brush his teeth. Ever. Or visit a dentist.
• Disrespectful of my time. If I mop the floor he’ll walk straight on it with shoes on etc.

Due to the above he’s just become so unattractive to me now. I’ve mentally checked out of the marriage. I can’t bear to have him near me. He constantly refers to me as his best friend but he never wants to do anything except cuddle me. But because of how he is, I can’t be near him, he’s given me the ick. I can’t come back from this, can I?

Please remember I have only JUST found out today he’s bullying the children. I’m not complicit and I don’t need to wake up etc.

Just an add, the children don’t care at all about what he’s said to them. They don’t respect him enough to give value to his words because he’s been pretty absent in their childhood due to always working. Genuinely, they’re not affected. If anything they found it amusing that he thinks they’d care what he thinks. Which in itself is very very sad. But he spoke to them like that in front of the 5 year old and she’s never been exposed to anything like that. She’s young and shouldn’t have to hear that.

So to clarify to the people who’ve commented and made me feel like I’m a complete delinquent and complicit in allowing my children to be bullied: I found out today at 1pm that my children were spoken to like a piece of shit by their own father because they messaged me while away at an event. They messaged me while I was at work. I asked them if he’s having a bad day or if he’s ever spoken to them like that before. That’s when I found out. I then finished work at 3pm and drove straight to the airport to fly to where they all are so at least they’re ’protected’ from it happening again. It’s now 1:14am (I’m obviously not in Europe). When DH wakes up I’ll be asking him what the fuck he thinks he’s doing talking to them like that.

Thanks for the useful advice.
Thanks to those who jumped to conclusions and made me feel like shit when I didn’t think I could feel any lower…

I won’t be back but I’ll be ok. I know what I’ve got to do.

That description has given me the ick OP. Seriously, it's game over when you get like that towards someone.

This is what’s been crossing my mind all day and is what’s causing me a sleepless night…

You don’t need permission to leave him and he sounds awful.

I would be planning my escape.

I think you have come to a place where you know there is no going back. You sound like a very caring parent and you have realised that this situation isn't good for them. I know you said that you think he will accept your decision to leave but I think you have to prepare yourself for the total opposite. He is very controlling, abusive and manipulative. I also divorced one of those men. I thought he would be fairly OK with my decision because he hadn't showed any care or love towards me or his children for many years but he couldn't cope with losing control over us at all. He would harrass and stalk us and when i just grey rocked him he did everything he could to make the divorce as lengthy and expensive for me as possible. None of my kids speak to him anymore and neither do I. I am hoping this isn't how it will go for you, but be prepared to just leave and then only communicate through solicitors and on an app for the childcare if possible. Trying to reason with them doesn't work.

He sounds horrendous to live with OP but it is not clear from your post whether or not you have had any conversations with him about these issues? Does he know how close you are to ending the relationship?

Your latest update says you’ve just been made aware of him being nasty to your children but have you discussed all of the other awful traits with him? Is he aware of how his behaviour is impacting you? Why on earth would he not brush his teeth? That is absolutely rank!

If you want to save your marriage then some relationship counselling coupled with him massively sorting himself out is needed, however it sounds like this has probably gone too far for you now - only you can decide.

This in spades. But also, there are men who don’t do this. This isn’t the ick, that’s getting turned off because he wears Crocs or likes listening to rubbish music. This situation is fucking dire and you and your children deserve better.

My mum met my dad at 14 and married at 18. She divorced him after 32 years because he was chronically unfaithful. In every other way, he behaved much better than your H who sounds horrible. You can do this, OP.

If they are so unbothered, why have they contacted you to tell you? I don’t believe you only found out today from your previous posts. You said you knew he was saying horrible things to them when he was driving them around. You’re now back pedalling and denying all knowledge.
These poor kids.

Read the whole thing back and imagine a friend was describing that man to you, would you be interested? Why doesn't he brush his teeth?!?!

No. Based on point 1 alone. The rest makes it so, so much worse. It sounds suffocating

For god's sake why are you still there, enabling him to be mean to your children?

Just read your other updates. You’re doing the right thing. Stay strong 💐

What sort of state are his teeth in? 😬

Don’t minimise it with a silly word like ick. He is emotionally abusive to you and your children.

Not something you should want to get back from.
Hope you get inspiration and strenght from this thread and get your ducks in the row and leave like this lady from another thread did just yesterday.

Please ignore those not being helpful OP - it’s very easy for one parent or the other to be shitty to family behind the other persons back ( in my case it was my mum who was very keen on face slapping in the 70s) she never did it in front of my dad and I never spoke up -until one day he caught her doing it. Then again like yourselves they had an odd relationship

your H is clearly possessive, extremely needy and knows he’s punching above his weight - I lived with someone like this for awhile. It started off great and then crept in after 18 months or so - it came to a crunch when I was taken ill abroad and my dad had to help us out and he lied about what my dad said when I wasn’t capable of taking calls - because he simply didn’t want me to have anyone to ‘turn to’ - he wanted me to have ‘no choices’

please make plans, he will be very upset but really he’s created the situation by being a poor husband , a very needy person and not a nice father

When he’s said things in the car to them before it’s be things like how they’re lazy because their rooms are untidy or that they’re greedy because all they want is money, or that they’re rude etc. I put that down to him being justified in having an opinion and being a parent and addressing things such as their laziness etc. So despite it being horrible, it wasn’t abusive or bullying. Just different parenting styles and different tolerance levels.

I didn’t realise he was calling my 18 year old daughter a prick or a wanker because she never compliments him. My daughter is amazing. She’s a “fuck the patriarchy” kind of girl and her dad knows she will take no shit, hence the clash. So as soon as he called her those words today, she messaged me. I called her back at break time. She doesn’t even hide that she doesn’t like him. She’s justified in not liking him because of how he treats her differently to the boys (yes, he’s lowkey sexist and misogynistic too).

Please do not assume for one second I’ve known about this or allowed it. I don’t care that I’ve been a naive wife while these behaviours have gradually built up over 24 years. But I’ve never been and will never be a bad mum allowing anyone to bully my children. I had planned my first weekend alone in 24 years this weekend, but I’ve abandoned that to be here with my children. Rightly so. I travelled for 5 hours after a full day teaching, just to be here. I really don’t know what’s so hard to understand. I found….out….today. I’m not backpedaling. The car comments could have been attributed to different parenting styles, and some of them were more than likely justified. But calling my 18 year old daughter, who is thoroughly amazing and kind in every way possible, a wanker and a prick because she “never compliments” her father…. Not happening again, ever.

Not all men are like this joke of a man!

He's truly terrible. I'd want to murder him for just a fraction of the awful things he has been doing to you and your childen.

He's right to be paranoid about you leaving him for someone better, as the majority of men (including some of the shit ones) would be better than him. His nastyness to his own children and his clingyness and his desire to spend all weekend cuddling you in bed makes him sound utterly repulsive.

That behaviour is seriously concerning. Makes me wonder what it could escalate to. I’d start divorce proceedings asap. Your older children are of an age when they choose whether to see him or not.
I hope he doesn’t work with children or vulnerable adults.

They look really nice strangely, but breath stinks 😷

Honestly I’ve told him So many times to brush his goddamn teeth. I told him I’d never kiss him again until he visited a dentist. He doesn’t seem to care. I’ve not kissed him properly for years. Vomit.

Sounds like it's gone further than marriage guidance?
The teeth bit and walking on freshly mopped floors would be big ones

No as my DM and others who excuse these types of men say, it's the opposite.
Regardless we are not therapists nurses doctors or anything else, to try to help these men.

You know you have to leave, you can’t continue to allow your children to be exposed to this behaviour. The teens will be able to decide whether they want to see him once you’ve split and if he’s that uninterested as a father he will probably not be that bothered about spending time with the youngest. Do you have a child support scheme in your country? He will still have to contribute financially. Make plans for happier next 24 years.