Boyfriend doesn’t want me to go out with male colleagues. Am I in the wrong?

[Spookybat5]

AIBU to be upset here? I work for a very small remote company (there are only 6 of us).

I am the only female member of staff after the other girl working with us left, which doesn’t bother me at all. I get on really well with my colleagues, they’re all a fair bit older than me and are all married men with older children (I’m 30 with a young child) but we get on really well and they’re really lovely people.

We meet up for a staff meeting / night out quarterly, and my partner has never liked the fact that I’m going out with mostly men. Now that my female colleague has left my partner has really started making nasty comments and remarks to me about it and is making me feel really guilty about going out because it’s apparently ‘weird’ and ‘he wouldn’t go out with a load of women’. I said I wouldn’t mind if you went out with women especially your work colleagues (and he often goes out with female friends and I’ve never had an issue with this) but also these are work related meetings followed by an evening meal and drinks so I can’t really just not go to please him.

I recently was given a promotion and was so excited to share the news with him, I’ve worked extremely hard, and his response was ‘I knew it. He fancies you he’s probably got photos of you hidden in his drawers’ about my boss 🫣

Deeply offended I said do you think I’m so undeserving of a promotion that it was only given to me because he apparently fancies me? And he tried to say it was just a joke, but continued to make sly remarks.

Bear in mind, none of any of the men I work with have EVER been weird with me, made me uncomfortable or been inappropriate in any way. They are all happily married (some for not much less than I’ve been alive!) and have absolutely no interest in me in that way.

Im just feeling a bit upset by it all, I was so excited about the promotion but he’s making me feel guilty for working with men. I didn’t actively choose to work with all men, but I work in a very male dominated field so it’s just part of my job. I feel like he’s making me feel bad so that I don’t go to the meetings, but this job has been fantastic for my career and I don’t want to jeapordise that.

He’s been quite nasty to me this evening because I told him he has no right to question who I’m out with and why I’m going out with work, I’ve never given him a reason not to trust me and I don’t police who he goes out with at all. He says he’s in the right and everyone else will agree with him.

Thoughts?

he still isn’t going to take back what he said because he has the right to free speech

In that case so do you. I’m your shoes I’d exercise my right to free speech by telling him I’m going out with the lads, he can go fuck himself and don’t bother being there when you get back because it’s over. Bye bye loser

Have a great night

He absolutely is wrong to question it!! Friendships aren't dictated by genitalia, and it's no more weird a male going out with female friends or vice versa. All but one of my friends are male, are you suggesting my husband should dictate that I'm not allowed out with these friends?

You're opinion on this is idiotic!

If you read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft you will find it eye opening. This is how your now ex treated you and he was indeed never going to admit he has done anything wrong here with regards to you.

Be on your own and concentrate your resources on your child. Do read the book and enrol yourself too onto the Freedom Programme. Abusive men like this can harm boundaries and yours may have taken a bit of a knock.

Let him trill. He might enjoy his own trilling.

I'm just going to echo pretty much everyone else here and say what a knob he is, and thank goodness he's not your child's father and that you don't live together. The reasons your living together didn't work out should have set a few bells ringing.

What really got to me in one of your later posts, OP, was when he claimed a right to 'free speech'. This is a political concept which doesn't apply to personal relationships! If he considers it freedom of speech to criticise you and your behaviour, then you have just as much FoS to tell him his dick's tiny, he's crap in bed, he's a rubbish cook and he's.... whatever else you can think of.

How would that work out for him?

Wow! If you speak to your husband like that I’m sure he never questions you! Rude!

I prefer to be able to talk things through with my husband, set boundaries together, find out what we’re both comfortable with, but each to their own I guess!

Just to note, my husband is in a field which is predominantly women, which is what prompted me to comment on this. He goes out to all work/work social events that’s he’s invited to and I don’t question him on the “genitalia” of the guests attending!

Recently he was the only man at some birthday drinks for a female colleague. He went out to dinner, stayed for the first few rounds of drinks but when it got to the point the women were plastered, inhibitions were lost, he made his excuses and left. I think it would have been very strange for a bunch of drunk women to be dancing around partying with one married man.

That is just what we are both comfortable with though. It’s not an absolute rule. OP’s partner is obviously not comfortable with what’s happening in their relationship. He’s dealing with it poorly, but I think there should be room in any relationship to discuss how you feel and try to come to a resolution. Not just f**k you, I’m doing what I want to do regardless of how you feel. Might as well be single if that’s your attitude.

This seems such an odd, and sad, way to view life

Why is it strange for drunk women to dance around and party with a married man? Unless you don't trust your married man not to take advantage of a drunk woman??

I can be drunk, and dance with my male friends and the worst that will happen is I have a hangover in the morning which my male friends laugh about.

You sound very insecure and have vastly outdated opinions on male/female friendships which is idiotic in this day and age.

Well sorry you feel that way but it works for us and we’re both happy (contrary to what you may believe!😂).

We have great social lives and a great marriage, we’ve been together for over 20 years!

I think you need to work at marriage and put your husband/wife first and show each other respect.

With affairs/divorce on the rise I think it’s pretty obvious why by the attitudes I’ve seen on various mumsnet posts! I think of it as, today I have no plans to eat a chocolate cake but if I have chocolate cake in the house there’s a greater chance I’m going to eat it than if I don’t have it in the house! Doesn’t mean I will but there’s a greater chance! 😂 I have no plans to cheat on my husband, I’m happy and very much in love, but if I put myself in situations were I’m drunk and partying with drunk men there’s a greater chance! Doesn’t mean I will, but the chance is greater! I don’t think that that is that crazy of a concept but I ready myself to be told I’m insane (probably by someone who’s had a string of failed relationships! Kidding! 😂)

"We don’t live together (long story but we did trial it, he wasn’t pulling his weight or paying his way so we have stayed separate for now)"
Well done for not just putting up with him not pulling his weight, far too many women put up with that shit.

"We have spoken further about it since and he has basically said he isn’t going to apologise because he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong, if I’m upset then he’s sorry I’m upset but he still isn’t going to take back what he said because he has the right to free speech 🙄"
What an 'interesting' viewpoint he has. He could have said he wasn't going to take back what he said because that's how he feels and he's trying to be honest with you, but no; it's because he has the RIGHT to free speech!

He's a wrong 'un. I'd expect that beneath the surface he's a raging Tate-fuelled misogynist. Fired from his job at the end of last year. Not made redundant, no - fired. And clearly burning with resentment about that too, although his snarkiness re your promotion could be just his raging misogyny too
. Nah, get rid.

Oh, and congratulations on your promotion! And having found such a great place to work.

Go and enjoy your celebrations, OP.
Well done on ending it with this absolute POS.
Block on everything & don’t look back 💐

Honestly, it took every fibre of my being to just respond ‘ok, understood’ rather than go absolutely ballistic 😂

From previous arguments we have had, it’s pointless to even entertain what he says because he will ultimately just turn it around into trying to pick faults with me and get away from the topic in question so he doesn’t have to be accountable.

Even just his tone has been completely uncaring and callous, very blunt and rude and like it’s a chore to respond and that I should feel bad for insulting him by saying he’s being controlling 🙃

I’ve also just found out this morning that my pay rise is higher than I expected, so another little win for me and another reason to not let him ruin my day 🥳

@Spookybat5 have you actulay ended it ? What did he say ?
Are you delete and blocking now ?

Yes, I told him that I can’t be in a relationship with someone who refuses to acknowledge my feelings and doesn’t support me 😣

It went down like a lead balloon as expected, he still doesn’t think he’s in the wrong and he is furious with me.

I have currently archived the chat as I don’t have the energy to respond or read whatever other angry messages he sends, and just want to spend today celebrating with my friends.

Feeling a bit all over the place about it as it’s my first relationship since my son’s dad and he has obviously met my son, but just trying to focus on myself for today and stay positive

I'm so pleased to have got to the end of the thread and found out you've ended the relationship. He definitely wasn't a keeper. Congratulations on the promotion, OP!

It wouldn't hurt to listen to your BF. Relationships are about give/take after all.

Woo, congratulations on the news that your pay rise is even more than expected!

Have a great night, and PLEASE tell your friends absolutely everything he's said and done, so if you start wavering about ending the relationship, they can help you see sense!

Maybe RTFT before replying (especially when your opinion is wrong)

🤯

Well done OP. It’s very obvious too that he iS interested in using the bad vibes emanating from the breakup to sour your celebration also.

@Spookybat5 your son needs a happy mum he will be fine if you are.

You have a good job , your friends , your home and your son you have all these positives .
Don’t let his negativity bring you down and certainly don’t entertain his messages as he will draw you back in .

Congratulations , have a fab night . 😊

OP, he has abusive vibes all over him.

Keep him away from you and your son.
That is not a good man.
He's absolutely toxic.
Congratulations and well done.

Maybe do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk before you go near a man again.

You deserve only the best, kind, supportive and respectful.
Anything else should not be entertained by you for a minute.

That’s a good update @Spookybat5 - and more congrats on that pay rise!

Congratulations on your promotion and on splitting up with your ex-boyfriend.

There's a great series on Channel 4 about relationships, and the one called "I am Nicola" came straight to mind when I read your opening post. It might help see some of your ex's behaviours in a clearer light.

Of course there is give and take in relationships but in my situation that meant he could go on nights out with his female friends every weekend and I was perfectly happy with that, but I’m not allowed to go out 4 times a year with my work colleagues without getting guilt tripped, and god forbid I’d ever went out with male friends who I didn’t work with on a weekend just to socialise, he would have a major issue with that despite the fact he does the same thing. It should be equal and fair and it isn’t.