Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend doesn’t want me to go out with male colleagues. Am I in the wrong?

185 replies

Spookybat5 · 12/03/2025 22:58

AIBU to be upset here? I work for a very small remote company (there are only 6 of us).

I am the only female member of staff after the other girl working with us left, which doesn’t bother me at all. I get on really well with my colleagues, they’re all a fair bit older than me and are all married men with older children (I’m 30 with a young child) but we get on really well and they’re really lovely people.

We meet up for a staff meeting / night out quarterly, and my partner has never liked the fact that I’m going out with mostly men. Now that my female colleague has left my partner has really started making nasty comments and remarks to me about it and is making me feel really guilty about going out because it’s apparently ‘weird’ and ‘he wouldn’t go out with a load of women’. I said I wouldn’t mind if you went out with women especially your work colleagues (and he often goes out with female friends and I’ve never had an issue with this) but also these are work related meetings followed by an evening meal and drinks so I can’t really just not go to please him.

I recently was given a promotion and was so excited to share the news with him, I’ve worked extremely hard, and his response was ‘I knew it. He fancies you he’s probably got photos of you hidden in his drawers’ about my boss 🫣

Deeply offended I said do you think I’m so undeserving of a promotion that it was only given to me because he apparently fancies me? And he tried to say it was just a joke, but continued to make sly remarks.

Bear in mind, none of any of the men I work with have EVER been weird with me, made me uncomfortable or been inappropriate in any way. They are all happily married (some for not much less than I’ve been alive!) and have absolutely no interest in me in that way.

Im just feeling a bit upset by it all, I was so excited about the promotion but he’s making me feel guilty for working with men. I didn’t actively choose to work with all men, but I work in a very male dominated field so it’s just part of my job. I feel like he’s making me feel bad so that I don’t go to the meetings, but this job has been fantastic for my career and I don’t want to jeapordise that.

He’s been quite nasty to me this evening because I told him he has no right to question who I’m out with and why I’m going out with work, I’ve never given him a reason not to trust me and I don’t police who he goes out with at all. He says he’s in the right and everyone else will agree with him.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
newtb · 13/03/2025 09:14

Congratulations on your promotion! I think the only thing you can do is to dump the boyfriend. He will get worse.

Odiebay · 13/03/2025 09:30

Spookybat5 · 12/03/2025 23:18

He’s not no! My DS is almost five, I’ve been with my partner around 2.5 years. This behaviour has steadily gotten worse after I left my last job and started this one and I don’t really know where it has came from, although he did always make comments about the men in my previous job too but nowhere near to this degree. It makes me wonder if it’s a guilty conscience 🤔

Show quote history

You see the first time he made comments about men at the beginning ... This is the red flag moment that you should be nipping in the bud. You tell him that stops right now. If it doesn't that's where you get rid. Men like this only get worse and more controlling.

No way would I want him as an example to my child.

Usually people judge you by their own actions...

CryptoFascist · 13/03/2025 09:37

Dump him. Seriously. You'll be doing yourself a huge favour.

RosaMoline · 13/03/2025 10:12

Please end this relationship ASAP. I implore you.

emilysgoldskirt · 13/03/2025 11:13

Congratulations on the promotion OP! Boyfriend on the other hand needs to be demoted. Sack him!!

Violetpuffin · 13/03/2025 12:04

Bin his controlling, jealous, arse off ASAP.
Well done on your promotion - which was from your hard work - please do not let him diminish your achievement.

zeibesaffron · 13/03/2025 12:07

Horrid, vile man, what an idiot - he’s talking total shit!!

Leave him - it won’t get better (will probably get worse until you do what he wants and you leave your job!). But please know that you will fly even higher without his nonsense/ controlling behaviour.

Well done on your promotion ❤️

Wholesomelonesome · 13/03/2025 12:13

I think you need to reevaluate whether your partner is right for you, OP. Congratulations on your promotion! 👏🏼

EmmaM84 · 13/03/2025 12:15

Men who show concern about their women cheating are statistically more likely to be the ones who will cheat. I've had 1st hand experience of this, it inevitably ended in him cheating. Its not normal and you shouldn't tolerate it as it will steadily get worse. Please do yourself a favour and get rid.

BobbyBiscuits · 13/03/2025 12:18

It's massively unreasonable of him to deny you a work social event.

Does he 'permit' you to have male friends? I'm guessing not if even strictly professional relationships with the opposite sex seem to be in a similar ball park to cheating.

I suggest you leave him. He's controlling and jealous and it's probably because he's an incredibly insalubrious character himself.

Lickityspit · 13/03/2025 12:18

Congratulations on your promotion. Don’t let this man dull your sparkle. He possibly has form for fancying women he works with and transferring that to the men you work with. It’s not normal behaviour and you deserve better

SEMPA1234567 · 13/03/2025 12:25

Probably going to be an unpopular opinion given the replies so far, but….

I think he’s a complete idiot with the nasty comments and what he said about why you got a promotion (obviously that is complete nonsense) but I can’t say I would be 100% happy with my husband regularly going on nights out with a group of only women.

I trust him completely so that’s not the issue, I would just find it a bit strange for a man to want to hang out with a load of women, I would think if he wants to spend time with a woman spend it with me!

If it was every now and then and just dinner then fine, can’t see an issue with that. But if it turned into more a drinky/pub/dancing etc night crossing the boundary from colleagues to friends I think that would be an issue for me.

I put my marriage 1st above all other relationships so think there’s no need to blur boundaries with other men. If I want a night out I’d do that with female friends, if I want to socialise with work colleagues I’d keep the professional boundaries there.

Don’t think he’s wrong to question it.

Bonbon249 · 13/03/2025 12:26

He sounds jealous and controlling and insecure. Ask yourself this, if your child was in a relationship where their partner was doing this, what would you say? He really doesn't sound like he has many redeeming features. Time to call it quits and concentrate on yourself, your child and your career.

mnreader · 13/03/2025 12:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Boromirsgreyhound · 13/03/2025 12:32

He’s a jealous controlling prick. You deserve better. Leave him.

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 13/03/2025 12:45

Yeet this fucker right into the bin, superglue the lid and put it out like the trash it is ☺️ job done.

Congratulations on your promotion and your independence from someone who does not deserve you OP ❤️

Miaowzabella · 13/03/2025 13:03

Dump.

Justlurking10 · 13/03/2025 13:06

I had a relationship just like this. It will never get better, but it will get worse. First it’s male friends, then your female friends he won’t like or your family. Then the kids are a problem.
He’ll try to alienate you from everyone. He tried to move in against my wishes. Said he was going to be homeless and would I really see him on the streets? Turned up on my doorstep without invitation, demanding feeding but never contributed to costs. My friends avoided me because they hated him and he made them feel uncomfortable.
Then he started to get more violent. My kids threatened to move to their dads (who they don’t like) if he came again and that was the wake up call I needed to get shut of him for good.
I had tried previously but just trying to end the relationship was a battle. He would beg and plead, ring me up crying stating he was sorry but it never lasted long. It was about 12 months before he finally stopped trying to contact me.

Now I look back and I can see the Red flags and abuse right from the start but it was hard at the time.

Good luck OP with whatever you chose to do X

treesandsun · 13/03/2025 13:08

He's a twat. Instead of working on his insecurities he is trying to undermind you. He is not a nice person and you deserve better. You want someone who will celebrate your successes with you not make petty, mean spirited jibes. People who claim thinks were jokes piss me off - next time he says it say well it wasn't fucking funny you cunttttttttttttttttttttt.

MrsSunshine2b · 13/03/2025 13:10

Well done! BF is not worth your time. If so many people agree with him, let him go out with one of them.

Lakeyloo · 13/03/2025 13:11

I'm with everyone else here... controlling, immature, jealous, mistrusting and definitely not a role model for your DS as he grows up.
I have always worked in male dominated teams and we are friends... nothing to do with what sex we are. The same goes for my DP who has many female work colleagues who are now friends. I've now got to know some of his colleagues (m & f) and him mine. You don't need someone like this in your life, you sound as if you are doing an amazing job. Find someone who will go on the journey with you and support you.

treesandsun · 13/03/2025 13:12

SEMPA1234567 · 13/03/2025 12:25

Probably going to be an unpopular opinion given the replies so far, but….

I think he’s a complete idiot with the nasty comments and what he said about why you got a promotion (obviously that is complete nonsense) but I can’t say I would be 100% happy with my husband regularly going on nights out with a group of only women.

I trust him completely so that’s not the issue, I would just find it a bit strange for a man to want to hang out with a load of women, I would think if he wants to spend time with a woman spend it with me!

If it was every now and then and just dinner then fine, can’t see an issue with that. But if it turned into more a drinky/pub/dancing etc night crossing the boundary from colleagues to friends I think that would be an issue for me.

I put my marriage 1st above all other relationships so think there’s no need to blur boundaries with other men. If I want a night out I’d do that with female friends, if I want to socialise with work colleagues I’d keep the professional boundaries there.

Don’t think he’s wrong to question it.

They meet up for a staff meeting / night out quarterly, - it is hardly like she is spending all her free time with them.

winefortea · 13/03/2025 13:13

Pop him in the bin, OP, the smell isn't going to get any better!

Member869894 · 13/03/2025 13:16

This isn't great op. Throw him back in the pool. You deserve better

category12 · 13/03/2025 13:18

SEMPA1234567 · 13/03/2025 12:25

Probably going to be an unpopular opinion given the replies so far, but….

I think he’s a complete idiot with the nasty comments and what he said about why you got a promotion (obviously that is complete nonsense) but I can’t say I would be 100% happy with my husband regularly going on nights out with a group of only women.

I trust him completely so that’s not the issue, I would just find it a bit strange for a man to want to hang out with a load of women, I would think if he wants to spend time with a woman spend it with me!

If it was every now and then and just dinner then fine, can’t see an issue with that. But if it turned into more a drinky/pub/dancing etc night crossing the boundary from colleagues to friends I think that would be an issue for me.

I put my marriage 1st above all other relationships so think there’s no need to blur boundaries with other men. If I want a night out I’d do that with female friends, if I want to socialise with work colleagues I’d keep the professional boundaries there.

Don’t think he’s wrong to question it.

It's not hanging out with them as friends, it's a quarterly social for work colleagues.

You do realise that if OP doesn't attend she misses out on networking and team building that advantages the men attending and may negatively affect her career?

And for why, because "oh i can't come, my boyfriend thinks I'll fall on one of your cocks"? 🙄

Swipe left for the next trending thread