Boyfriend doesn’t want me to go out with male colleagues. Am I in the wrong?

[Spookybat5]

AIBU to be upset here? I work for a very small remote company (there are only 6 of us).

I am the only female member of staff after the other girl working with us left, which doesn’t bother me at all. I get on really well with my colleagues, they’re all a fair bit older than me and are all married men with older children (I’m 30 with a young child) but we get on really well and they’re really lovely people.

We meet up for a staff meeting / night out quarterly, and my partner has never liked the fact that I’m going out with mostly men. Now that my female colleague has left my partner has really started making nasty comments and remarks to me about it and is making me feel really guilty about going out because it’s apparently ‘weird’ and ‘he wouldn’t go out with a load of women’. I said I wouldn’t mind if you went out with women especially your work colleagues (and he often goes out with female friends and I’ve never had an issue with this) but also these are work related meetings followed by an evening meal and drinks so I can’t really just not go to please him.

I recently was given a promotion and was so excited to share the news with him, I’ve worked extremely hard, and his response was ‘I knew it. He fancies you he’s probably got photos of you hidden in his drawers’ about my boss 🫣

Deeply offended I said do you think I’m so undeserving of a promotion that it was only given to me because he apparently fancies me? And he tried to say it was just a joke, but continued to make sly remarks.

Bear in mind, none of any of the men I work with have EVER been weird with me, made me uncomfortable or been inappropriate in any way. They are all happily married (some for not much less than I’ve been alive!) and have absolutely no interest in me in that way.

Im just feeling a bit upset by it all, I was so excited about the promotion but he’s making me feel guilty for working with men. I didn’t actively choose to work with all men, but I work in a very male dominated field so it’s just part of my job. I feel like he’s making me feel bad so that I don’t go to the meetings, but this job has been fantastic for my career and I don’t want to jeapordise that.

He’s been quite nasty to me this evening because I told him he has no right to question who I’m out with and why I’m going out with work, I’ve never given him a reason not to trust me and I don’t police who he goes out with at all. He says he’s in the right and everyone else will agree with him.

Thoughts?

He's subconsciously judging your colleagues by his own standards. He is saying that they must fancy you because that is how he would be feeling and acting if he was in their place.

I also work in a male dominated industry and it has been over a decade since I have had a female colleague in my team. My colleagues sound very similar to yours: all round nice chaps with lovely families and who speak warmly and respectfully of their wives. I have an excellent working relationship with them all.

My DH also works in a very male dominated industry, but likewise has excellent, respectful, professional relationships with the women he does work with. This is his norm, and so it wouldn't even occur to him to think that there was anything even remotely odd or wrong about me working with men.

I earn more now but only marginally than what he was earning before he lost his job at the end of last year. He has been in between jobs ever since always complaining he hates them but never really taking the time to find something better.

We don’t live together (long story but we did trial it, he wasn’t pulling his weight or paying his way so we have stayed separate for now)

I feel like I’m at a point where I’m just fed up with trying to please him now, I’ve tried so many times to tell him how unfair it is to speak to me like this and he flips and says ‘are you trying to say I’m controlling’ which yes I kind of am 😬

thank you for your advice I really appreciate it x

Well done on your promotion but bin this twat now.

He's jealous and I suspect it's been simmering within him for a while and he can't contain himself any longer.

He'll get worse not better.

Imagine how successful you'll be without him.

I hate to say it op but I did wonder if he's projecting as well. Especially if you say he goes out with a woman all the time.

Quite frankly I'd be laying down a hard boundary on this. It's fair for him to feel jealous- but that jealousy is his to manage and taking it out on you by policing who you socialise with and making nasty remarks is not him managing it. I'd tell him very, very clearly that if it continues and he doesn't start respecting, trusting and supporting you like a partner should then I would leave. It really shouldn't matter if he doesn't trust your colleagues he should trust you. The comments about the promotion are horrible and I'd really struggle to trust that he wants the best for you after that.

He doesn't sound like he is adding much to your life apart from problems! What is keeping you with him?

Perfectly put.

I was going to say he sounds very insecure, but from your later posts it also sounds like he is judging people by his own standards.

I don't readily say 'ltb', but seriously, this sounds like a situation where it would be for the best. I couldn't stay with a partner who didn't trust me.

You can't live with him because he doesn't pull his weight or pay his way. He can't just be happy for you when you've had a promotion. He tries to police who you can socialise with.

Why are you with him?

He's the problem, not your work colleagues. I've had exes who've told me I wasnt going places with certain people, and I've told them "OK so I'm not going anywhere with YOU in future!".

Honestly after sitting down and writing it out and seeing everyone’s responses I’m asking myself the same question.

I have a habit of making excuses for people’s poor behaviour but I am trying to be more assertive which is why I’ve pushed back about the work colleague situation.

But honestly I just don’t think it’s worth the effort of arguing because I very much doubt he will see my side

Your boyfriend is a controlling, insecure twat. He will only get worse and my advice - based on personal experience - is to end the relationship.

Controlling.
Unemployed.
Doesn't pull his weight.
Doesn't pay his way.
Jealous.
Seems to hate women.

What exactly is there left that makes up for all these bad qualities? You don't have to please him. You don't have to argue about it. He doesn't need to see your side. Just dump him.

Another here who’s struggling to understand why you’re with him, OP. He sounds pretty awful.

Gosh. Awful. Ditch him, carefully.

I work with a team of men. My husband simply tells me to have a good time when the team goes out for meals etc. If the team travelled, he only asked to be told that I'd got to (e.g.) London safely.

When I got a promotion, I was presented with champagne, flowers, and a night out to celebrate.

Your partner has problems with insecurity, jealousy and control issues. Can you imagine how much easier you would breathe and make decisions about these normal life things without him trying to control what you do? This is red flag city, OP. He is not a well adjusted person. Get him moved on.

I'd keep the colleagues & get rid of him

He's trying to be controlling, well done on not giving in. Just because he has dated women he worked with surely doesn't make him think that everybody fancies all their co-workers! His belief that you have not earned your promotion is just nasty jealousy. Socialising with colleagues is perfectly natural. I don't think he's bringing much to your life.

You don't need to argue with him and you don't need him to see your side. Right from your first post it was clear this man is not for you. Just tell him politely it's not working for you and raise your bar next time!

This isn’t about a night out it’s about control, insecurity, and a man who feels threatened by your success. Instead of celebrating your promotion, he’s devaluing it with suspicion, trying to undermine your confidence and isolate you from professional opportunities.

Dump the partner, keep the job and enjoy your promotion.

Honestly, he sounds awful. He's such a hypocrite, for one thing. Then he's controlling. He's resentful of you.

You don't live together because he's not liveable with. Thank god for that. He's not the father of your child. Thank god again for that!

Get rid of this utter waste of space.

If you don’t dump him for your own self respect then please get this controlling, misogynistic prick out of your daughters life

Please don’t let her grow up seeing her mum in an abusive relationship and think that’s how women are ok with being treated

No I have no links but yes women on here have complained when their partners have anything to do with other women ie friends/coworkers as they have jealousy issues and when this happens we are all told there is red flags and don't trust him but all this seems ok

Now a woman is saying their partner has an issue with the partner being jealous this is not on?

But yes personally in this case he sounds like a twat

Honestly, when she was 15, my dd had it figured out. Her boyfriend pissed her off one day and she advised him that “I love you and I want to be with you but I don’t need to be with you. Your job is to make me want to be with you”. (I am so, so proud of her). And, believe me, six years later they are still besotted with each other.

But I am not seeing the bit where A) you are wanting to be with himself or B) the bit where he is making you want to be with him.

Why are there so many jealous controlling possessive suspicious arseholes out there?