Boyfriend doesn’t want me to go out with male colleagues. Am I in the wrong?

[Spookybat5]

AIBU to be upset here? I work for a very small remote company (there are only 6 of us).

I am the only female member of staff after the other girl working with us left, which doesn’t bother me at all. I get on really well with my colleagues, they’re all a fair bit older than me and are all married men with older children (I’m 30 with a young child) but we get on really well and they’re really lovely people.

We meet up for a staff meeting / night out quarterly, and my partner has never liked the fact that I’m going out with mostly men. Now that my female colleague has left my partner has really started making nasty comments and remarks to me about it and is making me feel really guilty about going out because it’s apparently ‘weird’ and ‘he wouldn’t go out with a load of women’. I said I wouldn’t mind if you went out with women especially your work colleagues (and he often goes out with female friends and I’ve never had an issue with this) but also these are work related meetings followed by an evening meal and drinks so I can’t really just not go to please him.

I recently was given a promotion and was so excited to share the news with him, I’ve worked extremely hard, and his response was ‘I knew it. He fancies you he’s probably got photos of you hidden in his drawers’ about my boss 🫣

Deeply offended I said do you think I’m so undeserving of a promotion that it was only given to me because he apparently fancies me? And he tried to say it was just a joke, but continued to make sly remarks.

Bear in mind, none of any of the men I work with have EVER been weird with me, made me uncomfortable or been inappropriate in any way. They are all happily married (some for not much less than I’ve been alive!) and have absolutely no interest in me in that way.

Im just feeling a bit upset by it all, I was so excited about the promotion but he’s making me feel guilty for working with men. I didn’t actively choose to work with all men, but I work in a very male dominated field so it’s just part of my job. I feel like he’s making me feel bad so that I don’t go to the meetings, but this job has been fantastic for my career and I don’t want to jeapordise that.

He’s been quite nasty to me this evening because I told him he has no right to question who I’m out with and why I’m going out with work, I’ve never given him a reason not to trust me and I don’t police who he goes out with at all. He says he’s in the right and everyone else will agree with him.

Thoughts?

I would not want to be with a man like that

He is controlling and jealous of you, your success and the people you work with. I think you know this is not normal.

One here who doesn't agree with him. This won't get better OP. Dump.

Congratulations on your promotion!

I think I would dump him immediately.

Get rid.

Listen to this BBC radio 4 podcast about the 8 steps in controlling relationships. You're already on one of the steps towards a violent escalation. I would leave this relationship, it'll only get worse if you concede and stay.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0029395

Get rid of it

Your boyfriend is a piece of shit who wants to control you and stifle your career.

Get rid of him, OP. This is not how decent boyfriends behave.

I'm really sorry to say this but he sounds like a nasty piece of work. He is basically accusing you of being some kind of slut who will go with men twice her age and are cheating behind their wives' backs. What a horrible insult. I don't know how you could stay with a man who is making those kind of snide accusations about you.

Any partner - hell any mere friend - worth their salt is delighted at and with you when you have good news or achieve; more, he should be the wind under your wings and celebrate your achievements, not pull you down.

In similar situations, every man I know or have been involved with would give you a big hug and say well done on a promotion; buy champagne or flowers or book a celebratory meal out even. As for you going out on a work night out or with friends , he’d say ‘have a great time love and let me know if you need a lift home ‘.

That’s what’s normal and what you deserve, not a nasty inadequate. Stop thinking about his attitude, wants, insecurities or desires and think about what you deserve. He’s dysfunctional and even if he was normal ( he isn’t) so what? It’s nit making you happy. Move on.

I hope he's not your child's father?

Is he the father of your child? Please say no!!

You can do better than this man child.

Don't stay with someone who tries to control you and is nasty to you - your partner should be your biggest cheerleader and should trust you to socialise with work colleagues (or anyone else you choose to!)

This isn’t healthy behaviour and he needs to address it. It’s his problem to sort out, not yours.

My husband used to work in a team with all women, older than him. He saw them socially periodically, and although he’s been in a different team for five years he still meets up with them all a few times a year. I’m mostly just envious that he has the knack of keeping in touch with old colleagues, I never seem to be able to keep that up myself!

He’s not no! My DS is almost five, I’ve been with my partner around 2.5 years. This behaviour has steadily gotten worse after I left my last job and started this one and I don’t really know where it has came from, although he did always make comments about the men in my previous job too but nowhere near to this degree. It makes me wonder if it’s a guilty conscience 🤔

No, he's a tosser who is basically saying you've slept or flirted your way to a promotion. Bin him for that.

Another MN thread where a woman is with a jealous controlling manipulative abusive wanker who starts doubting herself because she’s being gaslighted by him.

This won’t get better OP. He’ll constantly chip away at you and destroy your self esteem until you’re a shell of your former self.

Get out before it gets worse.

There's a previous thread somewhere with a partner who said similar things, then it turned out he went out with women from work all the time 🤔

Another MN weirdo. He's mad as a box of frogs OP.

It does make me slightly uneasy as his previous 3 relationships have all been with women he has worked with, but obviously I’m not going to accuse him of anything with no proof. And even so I’d never dream of telling him he couldn’t go out with his colleagues because they’re female.

I do wonder if there is some jealousy too, my career took a nose dive after splitting with my sons dad and is finally getting to a good place again now so I’m doing really well for once, whereas he has had the opposite and was fired at the back end of last year and has been in between jobs he hates since.

I suspect he feels threatened by your career success. Do you earn the same amount or more than him at this stage in your career? Does he pull his weight equally with the house and childcare?

It sounds as if you have some great work colleagues and you must keep socialising with them. It helps your career and avoid you feeling isolated at work. If you abide by his instruction not to socialise with work colleagues this won't be the last time he tries to control you.

If you want to stay in the relationship but he won't listen to you I would suggest couple counselling - if he won't go or listen to what you say in counselling then I think that will tell you a lot about his capacity to change. Please don't lose yourself in trying to please him as this won't be the end of it.

Congratulations on your promotion! You are due an upgrade on the boyfriend too.

Exactly this