Boyfriend doesn’t want me to go out with male colleagues. Am I in the wrong?

[Spookybat5]

AIBU to be upset here? I work for a very small remote company (there are only 6 of us).

I am the only female member of staff after the other girl working with us left, which doesn’t bother me at all. I get on really well with my colleagues, they’re all a fair bit older than me and are all married men with older children (I’m 30 with a young child) but we get on really well and they’re really lovely people.

We meet up for a staff meeting / night out quarterly, and my partner has never liked the fact that I’m going out with mostly men. Now that my female colleague has left my partner has really started making nasty comments and remarks to me about it and is making me feel really guilty about going out because it’s apparently ‘weird’ and ‘he wouldn’t go out with a load of women’. I said I wouldn’t mind if you went out with women especially your work colleagues (and he often goes out with female friends and I’ve never had an issue with this) but also these are work related meetings followed by an evening meal and drinks so I can’t really just not go to please him.

I recently was given a promotion and was so excited to share the news with him, I’ve worked extremely hard, and his response was ‘I knew it. He fancies you he’s probably got photos of you hidden in his drawers’ about my boss 🫣

Deeply offended I said do you think I’m so undeserving of a promotion that it was only given to me because he apparently fancies me? And he tried to say it was just a joke, but continued to make sly remarks.

Bear in mind, none of any of the men I work with have EVER been weird with me, made me uncomfortable or been inappropriate in any way. They are all happily married (some for not much less than I’ve been alive!) and have absolutely no interest in me in that way.

Im just feeling a bit upset by it all, I was so excited about the promotion but he’s making me feel guilty for working with men. I didn’t actively choose to work with all men, but I work in a very male dominated field so it’s just part of my job. I feel like he’s making me feel bad so that I don’t go to the meetings, but this job has been fantastic for my career and I don’t want to jeapordise that.

He’s been quite nasty to me this evening because I told him he has no right to question who I’m out with and why I’m going out with work, I’ve never given him a reason not to trust me and I don’t police who he goes out with at all. He says he’s in the right and everyone else will agree with him.

Thoughts?

His behaviour is concerning and escalating - all PPs united in their responses for you to get rid.

You are independent, have your own source of income and cannot be easily controlled hence this nasty behaviour to put you down and control you. Also why can he go out with female friends and you can't with male professional colleagues?

Would you be happy for your child to have a partner like this? What would you say to a friend in this situation with a man like this?

You deserve a man who celebrates your promotion and just wants the best for you and supports you.

You know what to do here OP - wishing you all the best

People tend to judge others by their own standards - he expects your male colleagues behaviour to be how he would behave himself. On top of that, someone who gets fired from their job is a red flag too. And you've already discovered he's impossible/incompatible to live with. Can't see how there's a positive future to this relationship.

This is how coercive control so often starts. Huge red flag. Buckle up if you decide to stay with this guy.
Another factor in unreasonable jealousy is projection. He thinks you'd cheat because he would like to do so himself or has done so.

Oh good Lord. You should leave him for not pulling his weight and being a chronically unemployed, lazy, whiny little bitch. What's the point when there's no possible future in it? You don't even need to think about how controlling he is to know it's time to get yourself gone. I suspect you know it's over for you and are just looking for confirmation. Consider it confirmed by one and all.

Its certainly not worth arguing or trying to make him understand, he doesn't want to and he won't. This is just an excuse to treat you the way he wants too. If it wasn't this it would be something else, you're better off throwing this one back.

I’m in a similar position to you OP - all my team are male and there are plenty of work dinners, drinks and conference hotel stays. My partner is nothing but supportive. You need to get rid of this guy - he’s only going to hold you back. You should be able to enjoy all aspects of your job without worrying about what your partner thinks.

It's only been 2 and a half years, it's good you don't live together. Does he bring anything positive to your life.

You're right, it's not worth the effort of arguing. But please tell us that you're not going to stick with this clown?

You can't live with him because he was a lazy cocklodger, plus he's controlling and has a nasty mouth on him. You deserve so much better than what this insecure little man is offering. Get rid and don't look back.

When a man shows you who he is, believe him.

He’s waving a huge red flag.

Get him out of your life and your son’s life.

Congrats on your promotion.

He is not the man for you. Please leave him and find someone who will not try to control you.

I was so relieved to read your update that you don't live with him! You can split up and never have to see this jealous, controlling piece of work again and - when he eventually gets another job - he can fancy his colleagues and act on it.

Im so relieved to see your child isn't his and he doesn't live with you. Phew!

He's a controlling dick. Bin him.

With every post he sounds less and less appealing, if that were possible.

You don’t need to think about this any more. He is not adding to your life. Get rid of this inadequate.

He should be your cheerleader, you deserve better OP.

He does seem to have a bit of Andrew Tate-itis about him. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone I didn’t respect, and I wouldn’t respect his behaviour.

This is controlling behaviour. Do you plan to stay with him?

@Spookybat5 don't argue just end it!
I agree he’s a controlling and abusive.
You can do so much better !
He is projecting. Just because that’s the way he thinks about his work mates or he would give promotions to someone he fancies . He is lowering these men you with with to his level. .

Honestly I'd get rid. He's not bringing much positivity to your life.

So he’s telling you that as a female professional, you only got where you are because your male colleagues fancy you not because you’re good at your job/ your merits/ qualifications.

He’s showing you his attitude to women. He could be projecting also and maybe flirts with his female workmates.

I’d dump him asap,OP

He will jeopardise your career if you stay with him.

Congratulations on your promotion !

Please see the using isolation section.

Your life is not going to get any easier with this idiot.
He should have your back and be proud of you.
It's up to you how you move forward with this but he is not kind supportive or trusting of you. All these are basic elements of a happy relationship. He is showing controlling behaviour which will escalate and worsen.
My advice would be to leave ( asap) and enjoy your promotion.

Thank goodness for that! It's easy, just bow out. You don't need that sort of negativity in your life

You also don't need to have an excuse, it's clearly not working. He'll no doubt beg to stay but nothing will change.

It boils down to the same advice either way. It's not a good relationship. Leave.

He says he’s in the right and everyone else will agree with him.

He couldn’t be much more wrong about that, could he?
Sexist, controlling, doesn’t pay his way or pull his weight…

He sounds jealous, controlling and dim. At least he's not the father of your child. Dump him now and move on. These behaviours will only get worse.