Boyfriend doesn’t want me to go out with male colleagues. Am I in the wrong?

[Spookybat5]

AIBU to be upset here? I work for a very small remote company (there are only 6 of us).

I am the only female member of staff after the other girl working with us left, which doesn’t bother me at all. I get on really well with my colleagues, they’re all a fair bit older than me and are all married men with older children (I’m 30 with a young child) but we get on really well and they’re really lovely people.

We meet up for a staff meeting / night out quarterly, and my partner has never liked the fact that I’m going out with mostly men. Now that my female colleague has left my partner has really started making nasty comments and remarks to me about it and is making me feel really guilty about going out because it’s apparently ‘weird’ and ‘he wouldn’t go out with a load of women’. I said I wouldn’t mind if you went out with women especially your work colleagues (and he often goes out with female friends and I’ve never had an issue with this) but also these are work related meetings followed by an evening meal and drinks so I can’t really just not go to please him.

I recently was given a promotion and was so excited to share the news with him, I’ve worked extremely hard, and his response was ‘I knew it. He fancies you he’s probably got photos of you hidden in his drawers’ about my boss 🫣

Deeply offended I said do you think I’m so undeserving of a promotion that it was only given to me because he apparently fancies me? And he tried to say it was just a joke, but continued to make sly remarks.

Bear in mind, none of any of the men I work with have EVER been weird with me, made me uncomfortable or been inappropriate in any way. They are all happily married (some for not much less than I’ve been alive!) and have absolutely no interest in me in that way.

Im just feeling a bit upset by it all, I was so excited about the promotion but he’s making me feel guilty for working with men. I didn’t actively choose to work with all men, but I work in a very male dominated field so it’s just part of my job. I feel like he’s making me feel bad so that I don’t go to the meetings, but this job has been fantastic for my career and I don’t want to jeapordise that.

He’s been quite nasty to me this evening because I told him he has no right to question who I’m out with and why I’m going out with work, I’ve never given him a reason not to trust me and I don’t police who he goes out with at all. He says he’s in the right and everyone else will agree with him.

Thoughts?

Yes it's controlling. It's not all that relevant if he's got a guilty conscience or not as even if he has not cheated or thought about it and is fully dedicated to being with you that doesn't give him the right to police who you interact with. The fact this is work people has brought it to a head- if those were 'just' friends would you stop seeing them? Have you let male friendships drug to avoid upsetting your partner?

Also. Think about this: he has such a low opinion of you that he believes you couldn't possibly get a promotion on merit and ability it has to be because the boss has a thing for you. That's telling that he thinks a man cannot respect a woman for about just for their body.... says how he sees you/all women perhaps?

In your position I would end this relationship. You already know you can't live together. He's bringing nothing positive to your life. Do you want your child to grow up seeing this controlling sulking and opinion of you as normal and seek that out for their own relationships in future?

Ooh he's nasty isn't he?

Your boss must fancy you for you to have been promoted & he also doesn't trust you.

He’s a boyfriend, who you don’t live with and he isn’t the father of your child. It really couldn’t be easier to part ways.

He’s jealous and insecure. Why are you with him? Would you ever live with him again, given the failed trial? This is going nowhere, other than he drags you down. Worst outcome would be that you get pregnant and he’s in your life forever.

Congrats on your promotion 👏 Focus your time and energy on someone who supports and celebrates you, not this immature whinge bag!!

Congrats on the promotion OP! Your boyfriend sounds outright nasty and as though he has no trust in you - indicating you've been promoted for anything other than your skills and work is horrible and there is no excuse for it.

I (female) also work in a very male-dominated field, to me it makes no difference. People at work are colleagues and we are all professionals, not looking to shag each other! DH has never had a problem with a work night out for me, even though it is usually all men, we are there to just socialise as a team and celebrate a success.

I would recommend ditching the boyfriend, it sounds like it won't work out anyway if he didn't pay his way and he's jealous. Concentrate on your DC and your career and ditch the baggage.

He is so insecure and possibly immaculated by your success. He's trying to pull you down because he doesn't feel good. Nobody agrees with him. His insecurities about other men, wreaks of jealousy and projection too.
And hypocrisy at that if he has a hareem of female friends.

I would just say this insecurity is so unattractive and everybody agrees with me.
I want a partner that's a cheerleader for my successes.

Congratulations 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻 🎉 🎉 🎉 🎉 🎉 you are smashing it! It takes real character to rebuild after a break up.

One thing I'd add. You're raising a man of the future, is this the role modelling you want him to see when it comes to living relationships and a partnership?

I take that responsibility really seriously as we are creating men of the future and we need to break these toxic cycles. Just something to think about too while you're considering things :)

While I do agree with this in certain situations, I think it’s different when it is my colleagues and I’m not out with them often at all. We meet quarterly for a team meeting and night out afterwards, and because I work remotely I don’t see them in person at any other time. At most I meet up with my boss in between the quarterly meetings if we go meet new clients, but again this is once in a blue moon and strictly work related.

I also haven’t really got much choice as that’s just the way the staffing is at the moment, I am the only female now but even beforehand there was only one other girl so still mostly males. I’m not actively choosing to go out with all men, or meeting up for nights out strictly to socialise, there just isn’t any other women that work with me currently and every night out has always been following meetings.

I’m not someone who thinks men and women can’t be friends either, he has lots of female friends and that’s not a problem at all, he goes out with them more often than I do with work and I’ve never had an issue with that. I have had close male friends in the past and have thought of them more like my brothers. I know what is and isn’t appropriate and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardise my relationship.

Doesn't have to be anything to do with a guilty conscience, it's to do with control. He's is reaching the point where he is starting to spoil your relationship with colleagues, he will soon have you at the point where you make excuses not to go out or will head home soon as you can to try and keep the peace and head off the unpleasantness. The fact this has started before you've had a child with him is good news for you because it will all get much worse once you are really trapped with a child

Your boyfriend is a nasty controlling arsehole and you would be well rid of him

Misogynistic men children should not get to go with women.
Kick this loser to the curb, nothing more unattractive than an insecure hypocrite.

I also work in a male dominated field and work socials are usually just me and a load a blokes. They are all happily married or in relationships and we share an enjoyment of good beer and curry. My husband also works in this environment and understands what it's like and that it is work networking.

Just dump the bastard. Nasty, nasty man.

Nobody needs two arseholes.

There is no fixing this. You need to get out.

Thank god for that get rid of him immediately it really won't get any better only worse !

He’s a massive wanker
controlling dick wipe

Well, I don't agree with him! You can't help working with all male colleagues, that's just how it is. As for suggesting you only received promotion because your boss fancies you, that's a dreadful thing to say and completely out of order. He has no right to try and dictate who you see, work with or speak too. You say yourself, you've never given him any reason not to trust you. For whatever reason, he's deeply insecure and this is manifesting itself as controlling and manipulating behaviour. Could he somehow feel inferior to your colleagues? Even if that's the case, there's no excuse for his behaviour. What does he propose you do then?! Not attend the works event? Change your job? Work with only women? Keep your eyes on the floor in case you happen to look at a man?!!! It's utterly ridiculous. I have been in a similar situation many years ago, and I ended the relationship as it drained me emotionally.

Show him the door. It won’t get better. Your child doesn’t deserve this person his life.

Congratulations on your well-earned promotion, OP. I actually think that the fact your team makes an effort to have in-person contact even though you and probably others are working remotely is an excellent thing, not to be discouraged. Too many people are feeling way too atomized and distant from their workplaces, and this helps buoy the working culture along. Which is unfortunately not all that common!

Also, there are even to this day too many examples of women colleagues being cut out of blokey male colleague socializing or even basic networking, so it's great that that's not the case with you. Keep it up. Your partner is a jealous, controlling idiot, and that plus the fact that trying to live with him didn't work because of his failures to step up seem to indicate only one rational outcome here. Set yourself free.

It’s time to throw this one back OP.

He’s jealous that you’re doing well at work. He couldn’t even congratulate you. Instead he insinuated the boss fancies you.

He’s being ridiculous and controlling about you socialising with colleagues.

You can’t live with him because he doesn’t pull his weight.

This is going nowhere.

Let him go before he wears you down, drains your finances, becomes a toxic influence for your DC.

Onwards to better things OP
💐

I think the PP who said they wouldn't be happy with their DH going on nights out with all women has it wrong.
This isn't friend socialising, this is work socialising. It doesn't need to be late or boozy, it's ensuring that you are part of the conversations that are happening. OP has said sometimes this is with new clients, if she pulled back from this irregular socialising then she'd miss out career wise. Because she'd not get the opportunity to meet these clients or get to know her colleagues in informal settings. It's not her fault it's a male dominated environment

Of course she’s wrong. She’s not seeing men and women as first and foremost being equal human beings.
Sex matters but only in relevant situations. A meet up with colleagues shouldn’t be one.

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your lovely messages and for the congratulations about my promotion. I’ve been feeling really down about what should have been an exciting new path because of his reaction, so it’s so lovely to have so many thoughtful and kind comments.

We have spoken further about it since and he has basically said he isn’t going to apologise because he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong, if I’m upset then he’s sorry I’m upset but he still isn’t going to take back what he said because he has the right to free speech 🙄

So I think that’s us done. He’s not shown an ounce of remorse or empathy for how he has made me feel, continued to disregard my feelings and is more concerned that I’ve ‘accused’ him of being controlling. I’m off to celebrate with some friends tonight (I’m sure he’d be trilled about this too 🥲) and enjoy this new journey and give myself a pat on the back!

He's been called it before which is why he's defensive about it. I hope you had a FAB time.

You deserve to be celebrating 🎊 🎉 🎊 🎉

because he has the right to free speech

No. No no no. I'm too petty to handle this like a grown up. I would lay into him with every insult and issue I had before dumping him, then shrug and say it was fine because of my right to free speech. Little runt wouldn't know what hit him and his ego would be in tiny pieces.

He’s a massive nob. I’ve just spent the last week working oversea with a group of male colleagues, socialising together every night and so on. Did my husband make a fuss, pull a guilt trip, say I owed my role to my appearance? No way! He is being deeply, deeply unreasonable.

Have a lovely evening Op with people who'll celebrate your promotion. Of all the things he's said I could never forgive the remark about your boss fancying you, that's so bad.