Boyfriend doesn’t want me to go out with male colleagues. Am I in the wrong?

[Spookybat5]

AIBU to be upset here? I work for a very small remote company (there are only 6 of us).

I am the only female member of staff after the other girl working with us left, which doesn’t bother me at all. I get on really well with my colleagues, they’re all a fair bit older than me and are all married men with older children (I’m 30 with a young child) but we get on really well and they’re really lovely people.

We meet up for a staff meeting / night out quarterly, and my partner has never liked the fact that I’m going out with mostly men. Now that my female colleague has left my partner has really started making nasty comments and remarks to me about it and is making me feel really guilty about going out because it’s apparently ‘weird’ and ‘he wouldn’t go out with a load of women’. I said I wouldn’t mind if you went out with women especially your work colleagues (and he often goes out with female friends and I’ve never had an issue with this) but also these are work related meetings followed by an evening meal and drinks so I can’t really just not go to please him.

I recently was given a promotion and was so excited to share the news with him, I’ve worked extremely hard, and his response was ‘I knew it. He fancies you he’s probably got photos of you hidden in his drawers’ about my boss 🫣

Deeply offended I said do you think I’m so undeserving of a promotion that it was only given to me because he apparently fancies me? And he tried to say it was just a joke, but continued to make sly remarks.

Bear in mind, none of any of the men I work with have EVER been weird with me, made me uncomfortable or been inappropriate in any way. They are all happily married (some for not much less than I’ve been alive!) and have absolutely no interest in me in that way.

Im just feeling a bit upset by it all, I was so excited about the promotion but he’s making me feel guilty for working with men. I didn’t actively choose to work with all men, but I work in a very male dominated field so it’s just part of my job. I feel like he’s making me feel bad so that I don’t go to the meetings, but this job has been fantastic for my career and I don’t want to jeapordise that.

He’s been quite nasty to me this evening because I told him he has no right to question who I’m out with and why I’m going out with work, I’ve never given him a reason not to trust me and I don’t police who he goes out with at all. He says he’s in the right and everyone else will agree with him.

Thoughts?

Do you really need to ask? The fact you do is worrying, because it shows how off your warning signs are.

This.

Stop trying to please him, and tell him if he says one more word about it then consider it the end of the relationship.

He sounds like a twat. Get rid of him.

Does in between jobs since end of year mean he's unemployed?

@Spookybat5
Do the online freedom programme to recognise red flags and to learn about boundaries:

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I had some really good feedback from my boss the other day, as I had been to a meeting and came across really well and knowledgeable to one of the other bosses and he had fed back.

I told my husband about it and then said what did you do today, and he said nope today is about you and your good feedback.

That's someone who is proud and champions you, your BF is jealous and mean.

This man questions you being with male colleagues, he moved in with you and had to move back out because he wasn’t pulling us weight and I’m sure there’s a whole lot more that we don’t even know. Why are you still with this man?

If you tried living with him and didn’t work he isn’t going to magically wake up a different person and move back in and it be any different.

You deserve better and more importantly your son deserves better.

Your child deserves better from you than you allowing this highly controlling abusive low class man into your life.

Get rid of him.
He is not a good man.
Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you understand this.

He will only get worse. You need to leave him.

@Spookybat5 you deserve better, get rid of him.

Get rid of this bed-wetting little man-baby.

He’s clearly feeling threatened and this is how it’s coming out.
I honestly couldn’t be with someone like him, you’ve worked hard to rebuild your career, been promoted and he’s not happy. Congratulations on your new role.

@Spookybat

But honestly I just don’t think it’s worth the effort of arguing because I very much doubt he will see my side

This you are right about. It's not worth the effort. He does not want to see it from your side because the issue is not about who's right or wrong or even trust, it's about control. The object of the exercise is to control you.

You don't live with him so you have a head start. End it now. Good luck.

He's an arrogant insecure prick. This is not a good character trait, and if you give in on this he'll find other ways to undermine and control you until you have nothing left. If he doesn't change his attitude, dump him.

Jealous for no reason

Unemployed and always between jobs

Failed the basic pay your way and pull your weight test for living together

Sneers at your success

Puts your promotion down to not your skills and experience but to male lust

Has a string of failed relationships

Insults your nice colleagues

Thinks it's fine for him to socialise with women but weird that you socialise with men

Tries to gaslight you into thinking everyone else would think it weird

Won't take feedback about his behaviour

Is starting to realise you've realised he's controlling

So what first attracted you to this prize?

But most importantly - why are you inflicting him on your poor child?

Imagine what he'll be learning from this man.

Congratulations on your promotion. It sounds like you've worked really hard for it and it's well deserved. It's also great you have a lovely friendly workplace.

As for this boyfriend. No job and it appears very limited prospects, doesn't pull his weight, belittles your success, openly doesn't trust you or your lovely colleagues.

You have a 5 year old who is witnessing this behaviour towards you.

You know this isn't working and it's not right. Frankly he's not good enough for you and not good enough for your son.

You deserve so much better.

Congratulations 🥂

Your boyfriend is jealous of you, and he’s controlling. He’s jealous because you are earning what he was earning and he thinks he deserves it and you don’t. Therefore he’s negging you - trying to take you down a peg or two by suggesting you only got the job because your boss fancies you - rather than having to face the fact that you’re successful on your own merits when he currently isn’t. That’s how he’s justifying it to himself - that you’re not ‘deserving’ of it.

By suggesting that you shouldn’t go out for a meal and drinks with colleagues he’s undermining your professionalism, suggesting that you’re doing it because there are shagging opportunities. That’s either a desire to control you or a guilty conscience (because that’s what he’s looking for on a night out with colleagues). Either way, he’s not a good man, and he doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

You don't need him to see your side OP....You just need to know how you feel, that is all.

He sounds insane and controlling. I would dump him immediately. You deserve better. Of course there’s nothing wrong with hanging out with your work colleagues.

Massive red flag.

He is showing you he is controlling and insecure.

I would get rid of him ASAP.

Oh OP you've got yourself a jealous one. Has he always been jealous or is it just since starting this job? Unless he agrees to properly discuss his feelings and explain why he is so insecure and then work on it, I really don't think there's a future with this guy. He and you will always be monitoring and altering your behaviour until you go crazy with it. Don't let this man control or reduce you

My thoughts are he's not even trying to hide the fact he thinks you belong to him, that he doesn't respect you as he thinks you'll cheat on him and don't for Gods sake fall for the crap that you are so hot the men won't be able to resist you.

Kick him out. He'll say I know it, you want to be with the boss etc but luckily, hopefully, you have enough self esteem and confidence to not care what this dickhead thinks.

It’s the 3rd red flag, when will it be ‘worth’ for you to stop?

Well done on your promotion firstly.You have worked hard and deserve it . Why are you with this loser though? I never fail to be amazed at some posters who are with a Z lister when they are an A lister! I am sure you are very efficient at work clearing out old papers/files .Time to do likewise at home .Turf the loser out ( Ask yourself what is he bringing to the table,Answer not a lot!)