We’ve been together 3 years (both 26) and have lived together for pretty much all of that time apart from maybe 5 months at the beginning.
I love him very much. He is my best friend and he makes my world go round. We share very loving life together. He is attentive, and shows me so much love and affection and I know he adores me. He is a gentle soul and there is no bad bone or malice in his body. That’s never in doubt.
I just go through waves of worry that we might not be compatible in terms of spending the rest of our lives together but I’m not sure if I’m just anxious recently. Not sure what I’m gaining out of this post - maybe to see if other ladies think this is normal or whether I’m justified in my worry / or whether I’m crazy in being worried or crazy for living my life like this. Please see points below.
So this is my overall contribution in our day-to-day lives of our relationship:
I always cook dinner - I love cooking I find it de-stresses me. I don’t mean ovenables I always like to cook fresh. I sometimes batch cook a couple days in advance on a Sunday so it means I’m not rushing around on Monday and Tuesdays.
We both work 9-5 jobs. I do love mothering and being ‘domesticated’ (even tho I’m not a mum yet) and so I always make my partners sandwiches before he goes to work, make him breakfast and fill up his coffee flask.
NB sometimes he’s still fast asleep have to wake him up and he might not get up until 10 mins before we are both supposed to leave. I mentioned today if he wouldn’t mind waking up a little bit earlier to help with feeding the cat, and maybe helping make his own breakfast because sometimes it feels like a rush. Maybe I’ve set the precedent here so now he expects it but his response was that ‘I’m always complaining’ and that ‘he could about stuff I do to’ … idk I just thought it was rather an immature response to a reasonable request.
I always do the washing - washing clothes, towels, bed sheets… these things literally don’t cross his mind so of course I do!
when it’s his birthday I always get super thoughtful presents and plan nice stuff with his friends. I go above and beyond. I also tell him I love him and appreciate everything he does etc.
I book our holidays because it’s never crossed his mind and we’d never get a break. Obviously I ask what he’s like and I’ll book it but it dawns on me that if it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t go anywhere! We have a joint bank account so it’s not financial reluctance - it’s just he’s never taken initiative. Maybe this is normal!
I even contact his friends and mother on his behalf. He is so bad and always has been on his phone. It does make me anxious because if I don’t reply to his mum then I feel like I’m in the wrong or responsible - people mainly go through me to get to him and at first I didn’t mind but sometimes it makes me anxious. I’ve encouraged him to be more proactive on his phone but he said he thought ‘I liked’ doing it….. but it’s not the case I just don’t want people thinking he’s dead if I don’t reply!
anyway so I do all of the above which for the most part I’m very happy to do and even though he’s thoughtful in terms of telling me he loves me, cuddles etc he does not show these appreciation in terms of gestures.
So, his lack of contribution:
for all of our christmasses I’ve had to drop hints at the fact he needs to remember to get me a Christmas present. He told me when we first got together he was ‘bad’ at that kind of stuff but now 3 years later surely he knows what I like. Anyway every Christmas he dashes to John Lewis super last min on Christmas Eve. Last year he bought me a candle…. I don’t even like candles! Well I don’t mind them but it obvs wasn’t a thoughtful gift.
since our first Christmas together I’ve had to buy his mother a card on his behalf so he can write in it. I buy her presents from the both of us because otherwise he wouldn’t do it! Same goes for his dad etc. Don’t get me wrong - I like doing this stuff but it worries me these things don’t occur to him. Same goes for Mother’s Day and their birthdays etc! He is great at writing very well written cards so he does do that but that’s as far as it goes.
for my birthday this year I said I’d like some wellies. Well a month later and they still haven’t arrived! He said the Evri driver didn’t deliver it and he has showed me the emails between them but it’s his lack of willing… I’ve never had a problem with evri and if I have I’ve ensured it’s sorted! if it was me I would just re-order elsewhere because it’s my partners birthday??
He’s never booked a holiday for us - I’m always booking them. Because if it wasn’t for me we just would never get a breaks. He’s never once said ‘let’s go away’…
he never buys me flowers - I mean this one is a non issue.
it goes without saying I mention this stuff to him but nothing ever changes, I know he loves me but it does make me feel a little upset sometimes. I worry that we will actually never get engaged because he lacks the capacity to think things through in advance - I know he WANTS to marry me but I’m worried about his lack of urgency sometimes.
I know he appreciates everything I do because he says it and he says thank you but I suppose I just wish there was more romance and if I’m not getting it now I probably never going to get romance!
I’m sorry to be TMI and crude but he never goes down on my during sex. At first he told me it’s bevause he never did it before but this just seems to prove that he’s a little bit selfish and unromantic. I always do for him!! Like… all the time!
I know I’ve said negative stuff about him but he also does contribute in amazing ways:
- drives us everywhere - I mean he LOVES driving and doesn’t think I’m a good driver (I’m not!) so he’s very happy to
- he soothes my anxiety and makes me calm when I’m stressed because I am prone to emotionally instability and that’s something that can’t be replaced
- he’s so handsome inside and out.
- he’s very intelligent and I know he will make a great father
- fixes manly stuff like the cars etc
so maybe I am just behind dramatic and needed a rant….