Am I expecting too much from my partner?

[Emmacam]

We’ve been together 3 years (both 26) and have lived together for pretty much all of that time apart from maybe 5 months at the beginning.

I love him very much. He is my best friend and he makes my world go round. We share very loving life together. He is attentive, and shows me so much love and affection and I know he adores me. He is a gentle soul and there is no bad bone or malice in his body. That’s never in doubt.

I just go through waves of worry that we might not be compatible in terms of spending the rest of our lives together but I’m not sure if I’m just anxious recently. Not sure what I’m gaining out of this post - maybe to see if other ladies think this is normal or whether I’m justified in my worry / or whether I’m crazy in being worried or crazy for living my life like this. Please see points below.

So this is my overall contribution in our day-to-day lives of our relationship:

I always cook dinner - I love cooking I find it de-stresses me. I don’t mean ovenables I always like to cook fresh. I sometimes batch cook a couple days in advance on a Sunday so it means I’m not rushing around on Monday and Tuesdays.

We both work 9-5 jobs. I do love mothering and being ‘domesticated’ (even tho I’m not a mum yet) and so I always make my partners sandwiches before he goes to work, make him breakfast and fill up his coffee flask.

NB sometimes he’s still fast asleep have to wake him up and he might not get up until 10 mins before we are both supposed to leave. I mentioned today if he wouldn’t mind waking up a little bit earlier to help with feeding the cat, and maybe helping make his own breakfast because sometimes it feels like a rush. Maybe I’ve set the precedent here so now he expects it but his response was that ‘I’m always complaining’ and that ‘he could about stuff I do to’ … idk I just thought it was rather an immature response to a reasonable request.

I always do the washing - washing clothes, towels, bed sheets… these things literally don’t cross his mind so of course I do!

when it’s his birthday I always get super thoughtful presents and plan nice stuff with his friends. I go above and beyond. I also tell him I love him and appreciate everything he does etc.

I book our holidays because it’s never crossed his mind and we’d never get a break. Obviously I ask what he’s like and I’ll book it but it dawns on me that if it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t go anywhere! We have a joint bank account so it’s not financial reluctance - it’s just he’s never taken initiative. Maybe this is normal!

I even contact his friends and mother on his behalf. He is so bad and always has been on his phone. It does make me anxious because if I don’t reply to his mum then I feel like I’m in the wrong or responsible - people mainly go through me to get to him and at first I didn’t mind but sometimes it makes me anxious. I’ve encouraged him to be more proactive on his phone but he said he thought ‘I liked’ doing it….. but it’s not the case I just don’t want people thinking he’s dead if I don’t reply!

anyway so I do all of the above which for the most part I’m very happy to do and even though he’s thoughtful in terms of telling me he loves me, cuddles etc he does not show these appreciation in terms of gestures.

So, his lack of contribution:

for all of our christmasses I’ve had to drop hints at the fact he needs to remember to get me a Christmas present. He told me when we first got together he was ‘bad’ at that kind of stuff but now 3 years later surely he knows what I like. Anyway every Christmas he dashes to John Lewis super last min on Christmas Eve. Last year he bought me a candle…. I don’t even like candles! Well I don’t mind them but it obvs wasn’t a thoughtful gift.

since our first Christmas together I’ve had to buy his mother a card on his behalf so he can write in it. I buy her presents from the both of us because otherwise he wouldn’t do it! Same goes for his dad etc. Don’t get me wrong - I like doing this stuff but it worries me these things don’t occur to him. Same goes for Mother’s Day and their birthdays etc! He is great at writing very well written cards so he does do that but that’s as far as it goes.

for my birthday this year I said I’d like some wellies. Well a month later and they still haven’t arrived! He said the Evri driver didn’t deliver it and he has showed me the emails between them but it’s his lack of willing… I’ve never had a problem with evri and if I have I’ve ensured it’s sorted! if it was me I would just re-order elsewhere because it’s my partners birthday??

He’s never booked a holiday for us - I’m always booking them. Because if it wasn’t for me we just would never get a breaks. He’s never once said ‘let’s go away’…

he never buys me flowers - I mean this one is a non issue.

it goes without saying I mention this stuff to him but nothing ever changes, I know he loves me but it does make me feel a little upset sometimes. I worry that we will actually never get engaged because he lacks the capacity to think things through in advance - I know he WANTS to marry me but I’m worried about his lack of urgency sometimes.

I know he appreciates everything I do because he says it and he says thank you but I suppose I just wish there was more romance and if I’m not getting it now I probably never going to get romance!

I’m sorry to be TMI and crude but he never goes down on my during sex. At first he told me it’s bevause he never did it before but this just seems to prove that he’s a little bit selfish and unromantic. I always do for him!! Like… all the time!

I know I’ve said negative stuff about him but he also does contribute in amazing ways:

• drives us everywhere - I mean he LOVES driving and doesn’t think I’m a good driver (I’m not!) so he’s very happy to
• he soothes my anxiety and makes me calm when I’m stressed because I am prone to emotionally instability and that’s something that can’t be replaced
• he’s so handsome inside and out.
• he’s very intelligent and I know he will make a great father
• fixes manly stuff like the cars etc

so maybe I am just behind dramatic and needed a rant….

Start being busy, or ill, really too busy to cook, clean think about ‘his’ stuff, and see what happens. Come in late from work cos you have an unscheduled meeting….. expect dinner….. run too late to do his laundry…….
My guess is he won’t step up. That will tell you all you need to know

He probably values you a lot, for all the things you do for him, not for you as a person. This is not love, OP, it's comfort. At the moment, things are easy, a few sweet words and you jump over backwards. Of course, he wants to keep it going.

It's not what they say to you, it's what they do for you. And he does nothing.

Deliberate or not, whatever the pleasantness or the sweetness of the facade, he doesn't care about anyone but himself. If he is like that with his own mother, the person who gave him birth, how loyal do you think he will be to you if one day you need his help or an effort from him?

This is only going to get worse. He sounds like a teenager. Picture yourself with real children and a man child to look after. I would throw this one back.

It's not "high maintenance" to want a thoughtful gift at Christmas. You're not asking for diamonds and a pony.

I’m reading the comments and starting to realise maybe it truly isn’t right

There's no 'maybe' about it OP.

That was me too. The more I have read of what you have posted, the more I think he likely does have autism. He sounds very like my H, only more lazy around the house!

Please don't marry him. Marriages to autistic people have about an 80% failure rate. And I rather imagine a good proportion of the remaining 20% are those who feel financially trapped in marriages or are too scared to leave because of what their spouse would be like looking solely after the kids on their contact time.

You already have all the signs that this is not going to work out. Please don't ignore them.

And do not fall into the trap of wasting your time trying to get through to him and get him to change. You will drive yourself mad trying to do that. And you won't be successful.

Don't ruin your life.

Have you ever been ill while you've been together?

If so, did he look after you?

He won't go down on you, how's the sexlife otherwise? Does he make an effort to make you orgasm regularly?

oh my god leave off the autism comments. He’s a bog standard entitled man baby. Op, women like you have children, fall apart with the stress of doing it all, then either become burnt out beaten down martyrs or explode and him to fucking fuck off forever out of your fucking life because he’s a shit husband, an even worse father and a complete failure of a human being and become single mums, which is a far preferable life than also babying your partner so you might be relatively happy then. and of course you’d be completely accurate about your opinion of him as a husband and father.

my dh was a bit like this. Very early days I pointed out I did nearly all the cooking. We carried on. I took notes and pointed out hed cooked once in 6 weeks. He said he’d done his best. I said you’re a functioning adult who can read and gets 24 hours a day just like a do, have you been hiding a serious cognitive impairment? That’s not your best. That’s not even lifting the bar off the floor for an adult, don’t bullshit me you tried at all. I was seconds away from cooking for only me when he upped his game. Looking back I wished I had cooked for only me for a month to expedite the journey to being an actual partner that he took, now he’s probably chief cook for our kids. Ditto the beds - sure you’re the only one that thinks of it, that makes you the manager and you tell him to strip the beds, wash the sheets, put new sheets on. And if he fucks it up, say I think we need separate beds because I’m only going to be 100% responsible for changing the sheets if it’s only me that sleeps in them. If we ever have kids they will have beds too and towels and clothes that need washing, I have a career and I can’t have kids with a man who can’t pull his weight.

you need to move quickly here. You’ve not given us any evidence this man can turn into a partner, only evidence that he never will with his nagging comment; and you need to work that out very quickly and fuck him off out of your life if he’s primarily a dead weight.

re the nagging, you stop doing anything he asks of you, and if he asks several times you tell him to stop nagging. If he kicks off you say that’s what you say when I have to ask you 3 times.

As the old saying goes 'you are making a rod for your own back'. Doing nice things for a partner is fine, if they reciprocate and appreciate it.

Stop making his breakfast, don't wake him up. He isn't a teenager!
Any texts that should be for him reply with 'sorry, I don't know, text partners name, and ask".
You certainly don't need a child, because you already have one- HIM.

Basically you need a conversation where you tell him how things are going to change. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
He needs to step up, contribute to the household, deal with his family messages and gifts and stop behaving like a spoilt child.

I know he will make a great father

Sorry but this is literally hilarious. A man who can't (won't) get out of bed more than 10 mins before leaving the house in the morning, thinks feeding a CAT is too much effort, does literally F all cooking/cleaning/running a household does not make a good father hun.

You are in for a really nasty shock if you make this man the Father of your kids, my god.

oh my god leave off the autism comments

No, I won't. There needs to be more awareness of how it can impact relationships.

It can be very confusing for women with autistic partners. Because you may have this man who absolutely adores you, really cherishes you, is open with with affection and love and adoration. Yet acts in these selfish ways. Which don't fit with the rest of how they behave. And if can tell their behaviour is not born of malice or any enjoyment of being unpleasant to you, like a deliberately abusive man, but is instead born of utter obliviousness, it can be really hard to come to the realisation that, actually, this is a really shit relationship.

If you love someone, and they love you, it can be really hard to come to terms with the fact that love is not enough. And love is not a good enough reason to get married. You need more than that.

I spent over two decades with an autistic husband and spent less than two years with a diagnosis. I know a lot about what it is like to be in such a relationship.

And if someone posts about a man showing similar traits, damn right I am going to speak up. The woman at least needs to be make aware of the possibility.

It says so much about how society treats women and revers man that everyone around you has accepted this narrative where you are responsible for HIM.

Yes, it’s hard to imagine this situation the other way round!

Honestly OP, why in god's name do you think he'll make a good father? Have you got some kind of romanticised imagine in your head of him running through fields with smiling adorable kids? Forget it. That's not reality. The reality is sleepless nights and mad juggling acts trying to make life work. Fucking hell, he won't even get up to feed the cat! And no, men don't suddenly become wonderful when they have kids just like they do in the movies. You're still very young, don't learn the hard way.

You are expecting him to behave like an adult, that is not setting the bar to high.

Stop doing all his stuff, he does it or he doesn't but he deals with it. Be clear about what you need and why, don't minimise it. 'You might not realise it but when you do x, it makes me feel like Y. and I don't like it. I need you to do this'

Then see what happens. If he doesn't up his game you can make an informed choice about what you want your future to look like.

And I have a blindingly nt man who did act in these ways, I said not in this relationship and now he’s a partner and a great dad. I know lots similar. We have zero info to say there autism. My dh is not, with zero traits in his whole large family. I am working to get our dc diagnosed with adhd which 100% comes from my family and I see the signs in me (not diagnosis level) but I’ve worked my ass off to compensate. Like I said, stop with the autism comments. Start with the taking responsibility comments. If the op shares other things that make it sound like autism, it’s his job to go investigate that, or she should leave anyway.

Ignoring everything else about this useless manchild, he NEVER goes down on you.

Can you honestly imagine living your whole life never experiencing that again? Why should you have to when he expects you to regularly go down on him.

That's a dumpable offence on its own.

There is nothing to suggest OPs man here is on the autistic spectrum. It shows a poor understanding of what ASD actually is. Why is it that when these types of thread comes up, someone comes along and cites ADHD or ASD as reasons?. It does not make his behaviour any more acceptable to suggest that.

OP wrote that her partner's father acted the self same so this is learnt behaviour. OP you are not high maintenance; you have settled for so very little here. You are not married to this man therefore you do not need a divorce.

Insist on a 50/50 split and see how nice he is then. You sound like a full time carer.

I’m a man and I’m cringing. He’s a lazy git, I bet his mum did everything for him and he now thinks you’re his mum. Tell him to sort himself out or you’ll get rid of him.

Sounds like a parent child relationship.
Stop the breakfasts, and all the other management of his life.

He can make his own breakfast and manage his own social obligations.....
Household chores should be played to strengths.. However remember everyone has different backgrounds and place different levels of importance on household tasks...

Do not have children with him, OP.

Bless you, you're still young: you clearly are a generous and caring person. But those qualities have a flip side: you come across as a people pleaser. You need to work on this tendency or you'll exhaust yourself and then you'll end up full of resentment.

My 10 year old is more of an adult than your boyfriend.

He's treating you like an unpaid maid.

I have often thought this strange but just accepted it as I’ve told myself ‘you can’t have it all’ but in reality it seems I hardly have anything! I think because in previous relationships (although they weren’t as long term) I’ve been cheated on a couple of times - so maybe psychologically as a result I’m just accepting what others might deem as the ‘bare minimum’ - I’m thinking out loud here but a thought that has just occurred to me in the last hr or so.

Quite! Mine are 9 and 6 and they clears the table, empties the dishwasher, hangs out washing, not without arguing but they are 9 and 6 not my adult partner! When I change the beds I get them to change the pillowcases. Please note i am not suggesting you baby your dh like that by giving him the pillowcasss to change, you just tell him to change the beds. If he asks where the sheets are you look bemused. ‘How can you not know that, you clearly haven’t been doing enough. In the linen cupboard.’