Am I expecting too much from my partner?

[Emmacam]

We’ve been together 3 years (both 26) and have lived together for pretty much all of that time apart from maybe 5 months at the beginning.

I love him very much. He is my best friend and he makes my world go round. We share very loving life together. He is attentive, and shows me so much love and affection and I know he adores me. He is a gentle soul and there is no bad bone or malice in his body. That’s never in doubt.

I just go through waves of worry that we might not be compatible in terms of spending the rest of our lives together but I’m not sure if I’m just anxious recently. Not sure what I’m gaining out of this post - maybe to see if other ladies think this is normal or whether I’m justified in my worry / or whether I’m crazy in being worried or crazy for living my life like this. Please see points below.

So this is my overall contribution in our day-to-day lives of our relationship:

I always cook dinner - I love cooking I find it de-stresses me. I don’t mean ovenables I always like to cook fresh. I sometimes batch cook a couple days in advance on a Sunday so it means I’m not rushing around on Monday and Tuesdays.

We both work 9-5 jobs. I do love mothering and being ‘domesticated’ (even tho I’m not a mum yet) and so I always make my partners sandwiches before he goes to work, make him breakfast and fill up his coffee flask.

NB sometimes he’s still fast asleep have to wake him up and he might not get up until 10 mins before we are both supposed to leave. I mentioned today if he wouldn’t mind waking up a little bit earlier to help with feeding the cat, and maybe helping make his own breakfast because sometimes it feels like a rush. Maybe I’ve set the precedent here so now he expects it but his response was that ‘I’m always complaining’ and that ‘he could about stuff I do to’ … idk I just thought it was rather an immature response to a reasonable request.

I always do the washing - washing clothes, towels, bed sheets… these things literally don’t cross his mind so of course I do!

when it’s his birthday I always get super thoughtful presents and plan nice stuff with his friends. I go above and beyond. I also tell him I love him and appreciate everything he does etc.

I book our holidays because it’s never crossed his mind and we’d never get a break. Obviously I ask what he’s like and I’ll book it but it dawns on me that if it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t go anywhere! We have a joint bank account so it’s not financial reluctance - it’s just he’s never taken initiative. Maybe this is normal!

I even contact his friends and mother on his behalf. He is so bad and always has been on his phone. It does make me anxious because if I don’t reply to his mum then I feel like I’m in the wrong or responsible - people mainly go through me to get to him and at first I didn’t mind but sometimes it makes me anxious. I’ve encouraged him to be more proactive on his phone but he said he thought ‘I liked’ doing it….. but it’s not the case I just don’t want people thinking he’s dead if I don’t reply!

anyway so I do all of the above which for the most part I’m very happy to do and even though he’s thoughtful in terms of telling me he loves me, cuddles etc he does not show these appreciation in terms of gestures.

So, his lack of contribution:

for all of our christmasses I’ve had to drop hints at the fact he needs to remember to get me a Christmas present. He told me when we first got together he was ‘bad’ at that kind of stuff but now 3 years later surely he knows what I like. Anyway every Christmas he dashes to John Lewis super last min on Christmas Eve. Last year he bought me a candle…. I don’t even like candles! Well I don’t mind them but it obvs wasn’t a thoughtful gift.

since our first Christmas together I’ve had to buy his mother a card on his behalf so he can write in it. I buy her presents from the both of us because otherwise he wouldn’t do it! Same goes for his dad etc. Don’t get me wrong - I like doing this stuff but it worries me these things don’t occur to him. Same goes for Mother’s Day and their birthdays etc! He is great at writing very well written cards so he does do that but that’s as far as it goes.

for my birthday this year I said I’d like some wellies. Well a month later and they still haven’t arrived! He said the Evri driver didn’t deliver it and he has showed me the emails between them but it’s his lack of willing… I’ve never had a problem with evri and if I have I’ve ensured it’s sorted! if it was me I would just re-order elsewhere because it’s my partners birthday??

He’s never booked a holiday for us - I’m always booking them. Because if it wasn’t for me we just would never get a breaks. He’s never once said ‘let’s go away’…

he never buys me flowers - I mean this one is a non issue.

it goes without saying I mention this stuff to him but nothing ever changes, I know he loves me but it does make me feel a little upset sometimes. I worry that we will actually never get engaged because he lacks the capacity to think things through in advance - I know he WANTS to marry me but I’m worried about his lack of urgency sometimes.

I know he appreciates everything I do because he says it and he says thank you but I suppose I just wish there was more romance and if I’m not getting it now I probably never going to get romance!

I’m sorry to be TMI and crude but he never goes down on my during sex. At first he told me it’s bevause he never did it before but this just seems to prove that he’s a little bit selfish and unromantic. I always do for him!! Like… all the time!

I know I’ve said negative stuff about him but he also does contribute in amazing ways:

• drives us everywhere - I mean he LOVES driving and doesn’t think I’m a good driver (I’m not!) so he’s very happy to
• he soothes my anxiety and makes me calm when I’m stressed because I am prone to emotionally instability and that’s something that can’t be replaced
• he’s so handsome inside and out.
• he’s very intelligent and I know he will make a great father
• fixes manly stuff like the cars etc

so maybe I am just behind dramatic and needed a rant….

Not quite op, that’s many kilometres below the bare minimum personally.

You are but 26 years of age. Your boundaries here, already perhaps skewed by poor life experience and past poor relationships, are being further got at by this man now. You indeed hardly have anything in this relationship; there is no real care shown to you by him at all. He just wants you around to facilitate his life for him.

What is the longest period of time you've been single?. I would assume it's not many months. Find out who you really are and what you want from a relationship because believe you me this is another Mr Wrong you are with. And seek therapy. You are not his emotional support human or bang maid.

yes I have the same question, why do you think he would be a good father? Because he's nice and would, in principle, care about the children?

but that's not what parenting is. It's getting up with babies and potty training and changing sheets that have been puked on and helping with homework and the million notes schools send home etc etc. He can't even send his own mum a card or feed the cat..

There is an awful lot in the posts to suggest he has autism. Her partner has even suggested this himself.

If you cannot see it, then you have a poor understanding of autism and how it affects how it can affect how people behave in relationships.

Saying he may have autism is not to make his behaviour more reasonable. Its to say, if this is the cause then its behaviour he cannot change and it will never get better. Its who he is.

When my H got his diagnosis it made sense of ALL his behaviours which had previously seemed senseless. I was glad I had that understanding. It also helped me to understand this was intractable and unchangeable.

Wives of autistic men have to be the most silenced and ignored women in relationships in the Western world. Its the one shit relationship experience you are not allowed to talk about, or to share with others who may be going through similar. You live with a man who cannot understand your perspective and dismisses it, and then when you tell others people you are also told to shut up and you don't know what you are talking about. There is a reason why wives of autistic men have adopted the phrase ' Cassandra Syndrome.'

I think you’ve set yourself up to fail here OP and it’s time to set some boundaries. I was quite similar to you when I first met my husband, we were young and I also felt like I enjoyed “taking care” of him and I did, I liked being the one who cooked, cleaned, did thoughtful gifts, kept everything running smoothly… but there has to be some give & take, you can’t just give give give.

I still do some of these things as in I still do most of the cooking because I love it, but he does all the washing/laundry etc. I still do thoughtful gifts, he does the same for me. Sometimes I make his breakfast, sometimes he makes mine.

You’ll be taken advantage of if you find someone (like you have) who is happy only to take take take.

Imagine living with his dad, because that's what you are setting yourself up for.

This "man" needs some time living by himself, doing his own cooking and cleaning and getting himself up in the morning and when he's mastered that, he may be ready for an adult relationship, but he certainly isn't yet 🤷‍♀️

There is a lot in the post to suggest it may be autism. It may not be but there is a lot to suggest it.

Like I said, stop with the autism comments. Start with the taking responsibility comments

If he has autism he is likely NOT to be able to take responsibility. That's the point. That's one of the big differences between a NT man behaving like this and an autistic man. If he cannot take responsibility there is zero chance of him improving.

Either way, OP has told him how he needs to step up and he has not. So she should leave.

But its really important that women who have experience of these relationships do speak up to forewarn others.

And I am not going to be harangued out of doing that by people who do not have experience of these relationships.

@Emmacam in your first post "I do love mothering"

you are not his Mum lovely, you are equal, therefore everything you contribute, he should, equally.

Just have the conversation with him and re-balance your relationship. 💐

I’ll say its “the bare minimum”—he isn’t outright abusive as long as you do everything for him without hinting at complaint.

His boarding school experience stunted his development. His father stunted his development. He pays you lip service i the form of empty praise (I love your cooking) or thank you but he never returns the favour or actually acts on a caring impulse. The through line to his behavior—the key—is that he is selfish and entitled and doesn’t do anything for anyone else. He “drives you everywhere“ because he likes driving not because he likes you. If its ever inconvenient for him—as in missing a car event to take you or a sick child to the hospital he will refuse to do it. Because that’s not fun for him.

You are so young! I hadn’t even met my dh (of 35 years) by your age. He not only adores me and says it but demonstrates it every day with thoughtful and romantic gestures—even if they cost him in time/money/effort.

Dont settle for anything less than an enthusiastic partnership—you cook: he cleans. You do half the laundry he dies the other half. You please him sexually (within reason) and he gets a book and returns the favour. He should do half the pet care. He takes responsibility for his lsck of a relationship with his mother. He gives gifts or he doesn’t get them.

Frankly I would dump him. Don’t ever take on a msn child as a project. You can’t build a stable home out of shiny soap bubbles. He just isn’t built for a real relationship.

Can someone with autism not take responsibility for their behaviour and actions then?

Funny that because the people I know mask a lot of the time to try to fit in and fulfill expectations of them.

I think it's just another obstacle to overcome isn't it? Everyone has them.

What does he do when you're cooking or doing laundry or other household tasks? Does he just sit there like he's the king? You've said he's very kind and loving but that doesn't square with him letting you do so much of the work.

No you're not expecting too much and I am glad you are 26 so plenty of time to find someone who will step up and be a partner. The being crap in bed won't get better after 3 years, my advice would be to end it and move on.

The bar is in hell I swear to god!

You are existing in quite old-fashioned roles - he does manly tasks and earns money while you do domestic tasks and take care of everyone...and work. But his role is more man-child than man-leader, and I think you will end up resenting him once you have actual children. Your domestic chores will increase exponentially with children, you will have less time to do them, and 'his' responsibilities will stay the same. The result will be he has more downtime, and you are more exhausted. So I think you need to stop doing all these little things for him now, and have a conversation about what he plans to contribute as the family grows. Will he earn more money and pay for a cleaner to relieve your load? Will he do all the Saturdays with the children to give you a break? Will he magically start cooking, sorting presents and booking holidays? Whatever it is, it needs to be a lot more than what he does now for you not to end up hating him. If he spends all his time on his phone now, children will not transform him into a fun, engaged, proactive dad.

Home is the relaxing space though, isn't it? They are not going to be able to mask 24/7. No-one could do that. So whose going to get the worst of the behaviour? The wife and kids.

And I said 'likely'. Some autistic people are able to reflect and learn. Sure. But some have significant barriers to doing so. Autism can mean people see the world in very, very different ways. Until you have experienced this for the duration and depth that I have, it is very hard to understand. If your reality is very different to your spouses, and you are unable to see things from your spouse's perspective, it removes the common ground on which you can amicably resolve disputes. My H autism gave him rigid and inflexible thinking, poor executive functioning skills, a high sensitivity to perceived criticism. and this was the worse, very very poor mindsight. He simply could not see things from other people's perspectives. If you only see things from your perspective, you can't really understand what is going on. It really taught me that the ability to see things from multiple perspectives is essential for making accurate sense of the world. You cannot really resolve disputes with someone who cannot understand how you may be feeling or thinking about something or how a situation affects you. And it will cause you immense pain to try.

I'd start off by getting up too late to do his breakfast and sandwiches....

I'm in a similar position and I think once I saw it for everything I did and didn't receive back and how much of a child he was with me literally getting the bare minimum I thought no. Instead of constantly thinking of his needs and wants before your own try a month or even a week of stepping back and putting ur needs and wants first. I've done this and realised how much I was un appreciated and actually getting nothing back. U deserve more if u have a gut feeling of doubt it's because it's not right! There's millions of men who will give u the bare minimum and more! Also stop the BJs! iv stopped and yet there demanded now in which i say no, but i still haven't got nothing back... good luck n remember your worth ! Imagine being with someone who buys u thoughtful gifts back simply because he cares!

This.

And take it from someone who has a child, you will find doing all the cooking, cleaning, organising etc FAR less enjoyable when you actually do have a child who you have to do all of those things for too.

Leave him and do it today. He will NOT be a good father.. being a good father is taking on at least half the load of running a house with all the extras that having children brings. He can’t even take on ANY of the load now. He is inherently lazy and will do the bare minimum he has to to get you to stay and wait on him hand and foot and give him blow jobs on tap. Don’t wait around for him to change his ways.. find a man who would never dream of treating you like an unpaid servant to begin with.

This is not a man to have a child with. He will love a chat with them over the dinner you have slaved over, but I'd bet anything he won't be up in the night or doing any of that painful school admin. It will end in divorce and bitterness.
I think you need to lay down some new rules and stick to them. If there's no SUSTAINED improvement then it's time to move on. So, no sexual favours he won't return, no waking him up, no lunches made, taking it in turns to do washing/teas etc (and if he can't then just wash/prepare your own). He's not going to grow up whilst you can do it for him. You are being so nice but it's not being returned.

A man makes your world go round.
I'd worry about this bit.

You need to sit down with him and have a very serious conversation.
You are not his maid, domestic help or personal chef.
Being married and having children is about working as a team both helping and both being equally responsible for it.

Either he seriously changes or cut your losses. This type of guy is not who you want to be the father of your child/children with you doing everything for everybody. Yes there are women who do this but they soon burn out!

Oh my gosh - this exactly describes my ex husband, even down to the phone issue! OP, as others have said, it will get SO much worse if you ever had dc with him.

I could handle the situation with my exDH when it was just him and I, and in a way, I think at the beginning I liked "mothering" him, and being needed (due to my low self esteem). But when we had dc it became totally unmanageable. I had to do everything, and I mean everything, by myself. Any request for help or support was met with either a blank face, or annoyance that I had dared to ask.

Like you, I would have described my exDH as kind, gentle, and without a bad bone in his body. However, 20 years later, he is very different, and has become an angry, resentful man. He just didn't want to do any of the usual stuff everyone has to do to bring up a family, maintain a house and garden, organise activities/ holidays, make an effort in the relationship etc.

We separated last year and he now lives alone. His house is a total bombsite. He spends all his free time doing his hobbies (which is what he always did anyway when he was here).

I know it is so so hard, as you can see the good in him. I still have times when I feel so sad as I remember the good times with my ex, and the good parts of his personality. But honestly, someone like this is impossible to build a life with, especially if you want dc.

I also suspect my exDH is neurodiverse.

It’s like feminism has completely passed you by isn’t it?

He's showing you who he is - thoughtless and lazy.

Take the time to have a read through some of the posts on the Relationships board. There's loads where women are complaining about doing everything and DH doesn't think about anything.

That's your life if you marry this man.

You say you know he loves you and wants to marry you. How do you know that? What does he do that shows you? Words are cheap.

Think hard about what life you want long term.