Am I expecting too much from my partner?

[Emmacam]

We’ve been together 3 years (both 26) and have lived together for pretty much all of that time apart from maybe 5 months at the beginning.

I love him very much. He is my best friend and he makes my world go round. We share very loving life together. He is attentive, and shows me so much love and affection and I know he adores me. He is a gentle soul and there is no bad bone or malice in his body. That’s never in doubt.

I just go through waves of worry that we might not be compatible in terms of spending the rest of our lives together but I’m not sure if I’m just anxious recently. Not sure what I’m gaining out of this post - maybe to see if other ladies think this is normal or whether I’m justified in my worry / or whether I’m crazy in being worried or crazy for living my life like this. Please see points below.

So this is my overall contribution in our day-to-day lives of our relationship:

I always cook dinner - I love cooking I find it de-stresses me. I don’t mean ovenables I always like to cook fresh. I sometimes batch cook a couple days in advance on a Sunday so it means I’m not rushing around on Monday and Tuesdays.

We both work 9-5 jobs. I do love mothering and being ‘domesticated’ (even tho I’m not a mum yet) and so I always make my partners sandwiches before he goes to work, make him breakfast and fill up his coffee flask.

NB sometimes he’s still fast asleep have to wake him up and he might not get up until 10 mins before we are both supposed to leave. I mentioned today if he wouldn’t mind waking up a little bit earlier to help with feeding the cat, and maybe helping make his own breakfast because sometimes it feels like a rush. Maybe I’ve set the precedent here so now he expects it but his response was that ‘I’m always complaining’ and that ‘he could about stuff I do to’ … idk I just thought it was rather an immature response to a reasonable request.

I always do the washing - washing clothes, towels, bed sheets… these things literally don’t cross his mind so of course I do!

when it’s his birthday I always get super thoughtful presents and plan nice stuff with his friends. I go above and beyond. I also tell him I love him and appreciate everything he does etc.

I book our holidays because it’s never crossed his mind and we’d never get a break. Obviously I ask what he’s like and I’ll book it but it dawns on me that if it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t go anywhere! We have a joint bank account so it’s not financial reluctance - it’s just he’s never taken initiative. Maybe this is normal!

I even contact his friends and mother on his behalf. He is so bad and always has been on his phone. It does make me anxious because if I don’t reply to his mum then I feel like I’m in the wrong or responsible - people mainly go through me to get to him and at first I didn’t mind but sometimes it makes me anxious. I’ve encouraged him to be more proactive on his phone but he said he thought ‘I liked’ doing it….. but it’s not the case I just don’t want people thinking he’s dead if I don’t reply!

anyway so I do all of the above which for the most part I’m very happy to do and even though he’s thoughtful in terms of telling me he loves me, cuddles etc he does not show these appreciation in terms of gestures.

So, his lack of contribution:

for all of our christmasses I’ve had to drop hints at the fact he needs to remember to get me a Christmas present. He told me when we first got together he was ‘bad’ at that kind of stuff but now 3 years later surely he knows what I like. Anyway every Christmas he dashes to John Lewis super last min on Christmas Eve. Last year he bought me a candle…. I don’t even like candles! Well I don’t mind them but it obvs wasn’t a thoughtful gift.

since our first Christmas together I’ve had to buy his mother a card on his behalf so he can write in it. I buy her presents from the both of us because otherwise he wouldn’t do it! Same goes for his dad etc. Don’t get me wrong - I like doing this stuff but it worries me these things don’t occur to him. Same goes for Mother’s Day and their birthdays etc! He is great at writing very well written cards so he does do that but that’s as far as it goes.

for my birthday this year I said I’d like some wellies. Well a month later and they still haven’t arrived! He said the Evri driver didn’t deliver it and he has showed me the emails between them but it’s his lack of willing… I’ve never had a problem with evri and if I have I’ve ensured it’s sorted! if it was me I would just re-order elsewhere because it’s my partners birthday??

He’s never booked a holiday for us - I’m always booking them. Because if it wasn’t for me we just would never get a breaks. He’s never once said ‘let’s go away’…

he never buys me flowers - I mean this one is a non issue.

it goes without saying I mention this stuff to him but nothing ever changes, I know he loves me but it does make me feel a little upset sometimes. I worry that we will actually never get engaged because he lacks the capacity to think things through in advance - I know he WANTS to marry me but I’m worried about his lack of urgency sometimes.

I know he appreciates everything I do because he says it and he says thank you but I suppose I just wish there was more romance and if I’m not getting it now I probably never going to get romance!

I’m sorry to be TMI and crude but he never goes down on my during sex. At first he told me it’s bevause he never did it before but this just seems to prove that he’s a little bit selfish and unromantic. I always do for him!! Like… all the time!

I know I’ve said negative stuff about him but he also does contribute in amazing ways:

• drives us everywhere - I mean he LOVES driving and doesn’t think I’m a good driver (I’m not!) so he’s very happy to
• he soothes my anxiety and makes me calm when I’m stressed because I am prone to emotionally instability and that’s something that can’t be replaced
• he’s so handsome inside and out.
• he’s very intelligent and I know he will make a great father
• fixes manly stuff like the cars etc

so maybe I am just behind dramatic and needed a rant….

You sound completely incompatible.
Love is not enough, I’m afraid. And despite you saying he’d make a great father, anyone who can’t think ahead and plan, or show any sort of love or affection other than verbal, will NOT be a good dad.
He is a child in a man’s body.

I hope you realise that you are basically his secretary, house keeper and sexual provider while he does nothing for you.

please find someone who deserves you. If you died tomorrow he wouldn’t starve!

start separating your finances and he needs to pay his fair share.

just book holidays with friends and family instead of him. I leave my husband at home. He doesn’t even own a passport and hates being away so it works for us.

if you have kids you will be doing all you are currently doing plus childcare. He won’t change.

make a plan and leave. You may be single for a while and that can be scary but you need to love and value yourself first

You say he doesn’t care about clothes, doesn’t care about dinner, doesn’t seem to care about anything that people often put thought into, but he does care when you say you will stop doing things for him.

So the reality is, he cares only about himself'and his comforts. He doesn't care enough about anyone else - you, his parents - to do anything for them.

He's irredeemably selfish, I'd say.

And you deserve much better.

I'd have a frank talk to him. Set out your expectations, say how you feel. Point out everything you do for him, and how little he does for you. If you like, give him a month or so to change. Or just break up with him.

You have everything going for you - you're energetic, hard working, motivated, caring. Him? Not so much. Usually if a man is this absent or useless at home, he's a high earner. Your bf can't even do that!

You might like to take the Freedom programme, to help you avoid the same kind of man in future.

All of the above.

You are the one putting all the effort into this relationship and I expect that very little would happen without your input.

My last relationship was like this and after a few years I grew very resentful. Everything that happened was because I made it happen.

Stop doing stuff for him and see what happens..

No one wants a 'tit for tat' kind of relationship but it really is important to be sure that you are contributing equally, whatever that means for you.

What you describe is you putting in hugh effort while he .. lets you. As PPs have all pointed out, this is his norm. It won't be possible for you to recover ground and have him pick up more. It just won't happen unless you force him to and who wants to have to force a partner to act like a decent human being.

Hope you are still reading and have decided what you really want from your life, and are making that happen.

Well this is depressing, 2025 and we've still got women willingly acting like skivvies and servants for men. Why are you babying him? Why are you acting like you exist to serve him? Do you think women are second class or something? There is NOTHING about this man that will make a good father, he can't even feed or dress himself, so how the he'll do you think he's going to do that for a baby? Or did you think being a good father just means playing with the kids occasionally?

Oh dear, Naunet, you are writing off every man with ADHD and other executive function disorders as children, not able to be good husbands/fathers. No wonder women are always complaining about not being able to find a loving, supportive partner!

Marriage/partnership is a compromise and for it to be successful, we have to communicate our needs to each other. If the price of a loving supportive relationship is buying socks and arranging for him to see his mother, I'm in and have been in for nearly forty years. Yes, sometimes I wish for something different from my DH, but I am absolutely certain that he has similar thoughts. I cannot think of anyone I would rather have had at my side when we were struggling with a child with SEN and he turned out to be an excellent, fully involved father.

He's so handsome inside and out

What on earth does this mean? He's good looking? Handsome is as handsome does. and in what way is he handsome on the inside? He sounds like a lazy arse who's taking advantage of you.

He doesn't think you're a good driver, do you agree with that? Did you think there was anything wrong with your driving until you met him?

He doesn't even buy you a thoughtful gift or take the initiative to plan a nice day out or book holidays and he's rubbish in bed. What a loser.

You're 26 with no children. Please please please go enjoy your life, put all that effort into being the best version of yourself and allow a man to capture you by bringing more joy, love and care to your life then you can give yourself, who will match if not exceed your giving nature, and ultimately be a real partner

I say this as someone who wasted my entire 20s on such a man only to find myself single by his doing at 30 and starting all over again. Thankfully I met a wonderful man and now have a life that exceeds anything I dreamed of but I do regret how much life I missed out on while I was being dragged and kept down by Mr Does-Nothing-Sulky-Bollocks.

No wonder women are always complaining about not being able to find a loving, supportive partner!

What parts in OPs posts make the boyfriend out to be loving and supportive? I really can't see it.

Unrelated to your quote butI also want to add that I don’t think he’s ever purchased his own clothes - his mother always did it previously (she still gives him underpants and socks for Christmas and birthdays) - whenever we’ve gone to an even that needs smart clothing I’ve always been the one to take the initiative and buy it

Unbelievable! He is a pathetic, entitled man-child and you are enabling him. How does he not massively give you the ick? You have (apparently willingly) settled into a relationship dynamic where you are mummy and he's petulant and stroppy if you even politely suggest he might help out a tiny bit. He will never change. Why would he? He is getting all his needs met without having to do anything!

Marriage/partnership is a compromise

And what exactly is this prince amongst men compromising on? Seems one way traffic tbh

No wonder women are always complaining about not being able to find a loving, supportive partner!

But he's not a loving abs supportive partner. That's the point 🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm much older than you and I can tell you that this isn't good enough. You are being set up to accept not even the bare minimum. As time goes on he will do less and you will get resentful.

He's a grown man. Adults should run their own lives. If he lived alone he'd have to do daily often boring tasks.

The lack of a Christmas or birthday present is in my experience contempt. He's telling you where you fit in and he expects you to accept it.

OP is actibely doing everything to facilitate boyfriend's life. Boyfriend, in return...is handsome? Says OP complains all the time when she suggest that maybe he should actually do one thing himself? I don't see too much compromising and supporting here.

Marriage/partnership is a compromise

Oh hello mother, is that you?

My mum is always blathering about people not "working hard enough at their marriages". But by people she actually means women. Men shouldn't expect anything other than being served, apparently and women should want to do it.

Fuck that shit. I don't serve my husband and he's still here after 30 years. My mother is astonished that he hasn't "gone off with someone". Actually he respects women with a backbone who know their own value, that's why.

She's not wrong! But I will say that you have to want to make it work. I pass absolutely no judgement on relationships that people decide is over - I know how difficult it is to be with someone when it has died. This is my second husband who I married many years after a divorce. The thing is, we do not get together, perfect partners for each other. We see potential, but the two become one thing takes some effort and if the partnership works, is worth the effort.

So you got a selfish, entitled immature man-child at home. Who you are enabling. Please do not have kids- you already have one. And no, he will not magically become a good father. He will be a selfish and immature father as well as husband. Don't waste your time on him OP. LTB!

Indeed. I keep seeing "He's a great dad" said of awful men on Mumsnet and I constantly wonder - what exactly do these wastes of space DO that makes women say this of them?

Don't be so ridiculous. I didn't comment on men with ADHD, so you can pack your pole volt away, no need for you to take such a massive leap. However, please do highlight where he is comprising, seeing as you raised the issue. Please also show us where he's loving and supportive. Please then explain whey in 2025 it's a womans job to skivvy for a man, making him breakfast, buy his clothes, playing mummy to him. You sound like a misogynist, trying to defend lazy, misogynistic men.

I have a genuine loving, supportive partner, who actually pulls his weight and acts like an adult, maybe if you'd had a higher bar, you wouldn't be wishing things were different and being so defensive.

My DH has ADHD, I mentioned in a previous post that it sounded like OP's partner has an Executive function Disorder - common in both men and women who seem to be unable to organise themselves. I have little experience of women with Executive Function disorders, but I have seen the chaos that they too live in.

I did also say to OP that she had a difficult decision to make and that she had to weigh up the pros and cons of living with someone who was unlikely to be able to change.

I don't know where he is being supportive or compromising - like you, I only know what OP has chosen to tell us. I have not said that it is a woman's role to skivvy for a man - I certainly never have and wouldn't expect anyone to do so - but I do maintain that relationships work best when both partners communicate effectively, particularly about their expectations of each other. I maintain that there is no such thing as Mr or Miss Perfect at the beginning of a relationship, but we can both become much closer to ideal partners.

I absolutely love that you're accusing me of misogyny, defending misogynistic men. I'm so far beyond that, it's really funny. Before retirement, I ran a tiny Ltd Company and I was DH's boss. Yes, my name was on the paperwork and the buck stopped with me. His parents kept trying to engage him about the bottom line and whether it was a successful Company - his response was to refer them to me "she's the boss, she brings the money in, I just work where I'm told". It was true - and a successful partnership, whether at home or in business, uses each others strengths to benefit both.

I am not the old fashioned wife and mother I was brought up to be, to the despair of family. Feminism was an exciting influence in my teens and I became a independent woman working in a man's world. I had very few women colleagues when I was employed so I learned an awful lot about men and relationships from their perspective. I learned how to talk to men both as their colleague and as their manager. Believe me, it is entirely different to managing a mixed team.

Personally, my bar is and was very high, my independence, even within marriage is very important to me - when I was young, my family used to worry that I would never find a husband because I was too picky. I knew that I could never be happy as a 'little woman'.

Yes, I know I'm old and past it, but I have learned a thing or two on the way. I feel for young women these days, working, bringing up children and looking after the home without proper support from their men folk. They have every right to resent being put in that position. We all deserve a good supportive relationship, but we each have a different view of what that looks like. The last straw for you could be a minor niggle for me and vice versa. We are similar, but individual.

Iv never had a cook or a maid, but I'm sure I would buy them a birthday/Christmas present!

He sounds like a handsome prick but not much else

Kids need someone to look after them, feed them, and clothe them, attend appointments , communicate for them etc he is incapable of doing that for himself before any kids on the scene.

Do you honestly think he's going to step up suddenly and do any of these things? Really?

At present unless you sort it you don't get... Cooked for/taken out, no holidays, no contact with family, presents, breakfast, coffee etc you think it's shit behaviour cause your writing it down, you are signing any future kids up for a shit parent. You know this.

You sound energetic and happy to give yourself and time to those you love, when you're with a partner who gives that energy back imagine what you could both achieve!

Raising kids, working, cleaning, doing it all whilst treating Mr Handsome same as your kids will enrage you at some point. His pretty face will not always make up for his lack of engagement or help.

Any further messages from family regarding him, reply that your no longer his secretary and to message him directly, all family presents buying are now down to him as it always should have been. Be honest with his family why your doing it.

If course he loves you, I would love to be handheld through life!
He supports your anxiety issues - babes! He is the anxiety!

You already have a child.
Do not have children with this man child. If you resent him now, can you even imagine the resentment that will set in when you are on your knees from exhaustion of a new baby and whatever else life will throw at you over the years, and he can’t even provide you with the basics of a good nourishing meal. He won’t be a good role model for your children either.
Likes to drive? Yes, I bet he does. And what’s the betting once the big man has done the driving, he has to go and have a rest, because he’s “done all the driving!” Leaving you to deal with everything again.
He’s awful on many levels, and completely knows what he is doing. Please let him know his game is up.
How can you even look at him, let alone sleep with him?

OP hasn’t been back for a couple of days but I hope she’s still reading the pretty much unanimous posts and it’s opened her eyes to the reality of this man.