Am I expecting too much from my partner?

[Emmacam]

We’ve been together 3 years (both 26) and have lived together for pretty much all of that time apart from maybe 5 months at the beginning.

I love him very much. He is my best friend and he makes my world go round. We share very loving life together. He is attentive, and shows me so much love and affection and I know he adores me. He is a gentle soul and there is no bad bone or malice in his body. That’s never in doubt.

I just go through waves of worry that we might not be compatible in terms of spending the rest of our lives together but I’m not sure if I’m just anxious recently. Not sure what I’m gaining out of this post - maybe to see if other ladies think this is normal or whether I’m justified in my worry / or whether I’m crazy in being worried or crazy for living my life like this. Please see points below.

So this is my overall contribution in our day-to-day lives of our relationship:

I always cook dinner - I love cooking I find it de-stresses me. I don’t mean ovenables I always like to cook fresh. I sometimes batch cook a couple days in advance on a Sunday so it means I’m not rushing around on Monday and Tuesdays.

We both work 9-5 jobs. I do love mothering and being ‘domesticated’ (even tho I’m not a mum yet) and so I always make my partners sandwiches before he goes to work, make him breakfast and fill up his coffee flask.

NB sometimes he’s still fast asleep have to wake him up and he might not get up until 10 mins before we are both supposed to leave. I mentioned today if he wouldn’t mind waking up a little bit earlier to help with feeding the cat, and maybe helping make his own breakfast because sometimes it feels like a rush. Maybe I’ve set the precedent here so now he expects it but his response was that ‘I’m always complaining’ and that ‘he could about stuff I do to’ … idk I just thought it was rather an immature response to a reasonable request.

I always do the washing - washing clothes, towels, bed sheets… these things literally don’t cross his mind so of course I do!

when it’s his birthday I always get super thoughtful presents and plan nice stuff with his friends. I go above and beyond. I also tell him I love him and appreciate everything he does etc.

I book our holidays because it’s never crossed his mind and we’d never get a break. Obviously I ask what he’s like and I’ll book it but it dawns on me that if it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t go anywhere! We have a joint bank account so it’s not financial reluctance - it’s just he’s never taken initiative. Maybe this is normal!

I even contact his friends and mother on his behalf. He is so bad and always has been on his phone. It does make me anxious because if I don’t reply to his mum then I feel like I’m in the wrong or responsible - people mainly go through me to get to him and at first I didn’t mind but sometimes it makes me anxious. I’ve encouraged him to be more proactive on his phone but he said he thought ‘I liked’ doing it….. but it’s not the case I just don’t want people thinking he’s dead if I don’t reply!

anyway so I do all of the above which for the most part I’m very happy to do and even though he’s thoughtful in terms of telling me he loves me, cuddles etc he does not show these appreciation in terms of gestures.

So, his lack of contribution:

for all of our christmasses I’ve had to drop hints at the fact he needs to remember to get me a Christmas present. He told me when we first got together he was ‘bad’ at that kind of stuff but now 3 years later surely he knows what I like. Anyway every Christmas he dashes to John Lewis super last min on Christmas Eve. Last year he bought me a candle…. I don’t even like candles! Well I don’t mind them but it obvs wasn’t a thoughtful gift.

since our first Christmas together I’ve had to buy his mother a card on his behalf so he can write in it. I buy her presents from the both of us because otherwise he wouldn’t do it! Same goes for his dad etc. Don’t get me wrong - I like doing this stuff but it worries me these things don’t occur to him. Same goes for Mother’s Day and their birthdays etc! He is great at writing very well written cards so he does do that but that’s as far as it goes.

for my birthday this year I said I’d like some wellies. Well a month later and they still haven’t arrived! He said the Evri driver didn’t deliver it and he has showed me the emails between them but it’s his lack of willing… I’ve never had a problem with evri and if I have I’ve ensured it’s sorted! if it was me I would just re-order elsewhere because it’s my partners birthday??

He’s never booked a holiday for us - I’m always booking them. Because if it wasn’t for me we just would never get a breaks. He’s never once said ‘let’s go away’…

he never buys me flowers - I mean this one is a non issue.

it goes without saying I mention this stuff to him but nothing ever changes, I know he loves me but it does make me feel a little upset sometimes. I worry that we will actually never get engaged because he lacks the capacity to think things through in advance - I know he WANTS to marry me but I’m worried about his lack of urgency sometimes.

I know he appreciates everything I do because he says it and he says thank you but I suppose I just wish there was more romance and if I’m not getting it now I probably never going to get romance!

I’m sorry to be TMI and crude but he never goes down on my during sex. At first he told me it’s bevause he never did it before but this just seems to prove that he’s a little bit selfish and unromantic. I always do for him!! Like… all the time!

I know I’ve said negative stuff about him but he also does contribute in amazing ways:

• drives us everywhere - I mean he LOVES driving and doesn’t think I’m a good driver (I’m not!) so he’s very happy to
• he soothes my anxiety and makes me calm when I’m stressed because I am prone to emotionally instability and that’s something that can’t be replaced
• he’s so handsome inside and out.
• he’s very intelligent and I know he will make a great father
• fixes manly stuff like the cars etc

so maybe I am just behind dramatic and needed a rant….

Maybe stop doing his laundry, being his alarm clock and sucking his dick?! 🤷‍♀️

I doubt he has learning difficulties and even if he did it is still no justification nor excuse. It is weaponised incompetence.

Just reread your OP and not shocked that as well as treating you like a nurse with a purse from day one, he’s also selfish in bed.

It’s all about him isn’t it? He actually doesn’t give a shit about you and your wants and needs, you’re just there to service him in every way possible.

Take off the rose coloured glasses and see those red flags he’s waving in your face.

He’s not your partner he is your grown-up child. You are waking him up in the morning, asking him to help you make HIS breakfast, making his sandwiches, doing all the washing ironing, housework, cooking, admin, gifts, holidays. Keeping in touch with his family.

What does he do for you? Practically I mean other than driving you somewhere that possibly he wants to go to as well?

Please don’t have a child with this man otherwise you will have two children to run around after. You will be worn down and resentful over time.

Selfish selfish selfish.

You’re letting him get away with giving you nothing. Quite literally nothing, even for birthday and Christmas? He gets to lie in bed until the last minute while you sort his breakfast and coffee, then grudges that you’re making him get out of bed?

This man hasn’t matured beyond 12 years old.

And girl, stop going down on him. How you can even stomach it with this mummy dynamic he’s clinging to with you is beyond me.

Will I tell you about my partner? Pre-kids, when we were both working FT, he did:
Half the cooking and packed lunches
Half the cleaning
Half the gardening
Half the life admin and holiday organisation
Dealt with his own family and friends
Did all the above willingly because he sees me as being of equal value to him

Basically, he was a fully functioning adult, who didn't expect a person he claimed to love to be his unpaid servant. This is the bare minimum for an equal partnership and you should never settle for less.

Luckily you are still young and have plenty of time to start again once you've left this selfish and feeble specimen. He doesn't properly truly love you if he treats you like this. He may SAY he loves you, but people's true feelings are shown in their actions not their words.

You've mothered him and become his mum in the process. Trust me, this will not get better.

I know I’ve said negative stuff about him but he also does contribute in amazing ways

Does he really? What are they then as the things you’ve listed are not ‘amazing’ AT ALL . What does he do that’s amazing’?

I suspect the fact he’s ’so handsome’ has made you in awe of him and you’re bending over backwards to please this Neanderthal misogynistic knuckle dragger who thinks you’re only put on earth to service him

You're not his partner, you're his staff. Unpaid.

He's selfish and lazy. You're doing everything for him and expecting nothing. The second you ask him for anything he days You're a nag. He doesn't even care enough to get you a birthday present. And he's crap in bed.

Remember, actions speak louder than words. Take his words out of the equation and what does he actually do for you/himself/the relationship?

Ugh. Just get rid and find someone who actually cares about you.

Listen to your gut

You're (semi) happy doing all this domestic stuff now as it's a bit of a novelty and it's just the two of you: when you have kids you will massively resent him and be run ragged.

Just quoting this one because there are so many replies! I’m glad to know I’m not being precious or unreasonable. He doesn’t have any learning difficulties, he’s just very anti ‘phone’ apparently it was the same before he met me but worse. If it wasn’t for me his poor mother would hardly see him - it’s a shame and she always makes comments like ‘ I could be dead and he’d never know’ so I know that other people also know what he’s like. I know my parents have expressed their concern before - they really like him as a person but I know they’d like him to ‘step up’ both in terms of career and personal life etc.

I guess I will start doing A LOT less and see what happens. We hardly ever go out for dinner too because he said he prefers my cooking but maybe that’s just a guide for not being bothered! I’ve never really stepped back to look at it, and I’m reading the comments and starting to realise maybe it truly isn’t right!

but he is a good person and has a kind heart (god I know it sounds like I’m expecting the bare minimum)…. But I will agree in the fact things may never change. His dad is the same … well his dad is in fact single because his mother couldn’t live with him and his dad lives in a very messy and dirty environment on his own now. And like others have said I don’t want to have a child and then have to get a divorce….

Yes I suppose he very much is like a child - I’m surprised because he went to boarding school and lived with boys so I thought that gave him an element of independence but other than that yes his mum has mothered him all his life.

My mum also worked but I suppose she did cook all the dinners… but now they’re both retired my dad actually does a lot more. But this could be where I’ve got the ‘model’ from

OP - you have to think what you want from the relationship. Think about it this way: how do you know he will be a good father? He comes across as quite selfish where his needs are more important than yours and when you try to bring it up he deflects any blame by pointing out your “flaws” that is immature. Selfishness and immaturity are not good qualities for a father. Whilst I think that there is always a partner that ends up picking up more of the mental load and it’s never 50:50 at home, there is also have to be a balance. Your partner and you are meant to work together each serving the relationship.

Maybe I’ve set the precedent here so now he expects it but his response was that ‘I’m always complaining’ and that ‘he could about stuff I do to’ …

This is a massive red flag. Relationships succeed or fall depending on how well the couple are able to deal with areas of disagreement or conflict. Read 7 principles of a successful marriage by Gottman. This is all based on actual relationship research. He can watch a couple, including newly weds, and predict with about 80% accuracy whether or not the relationship will last based on a 15 min video of them discussing an area they disagree on, such as housework responsibilities.

I wish I had known that before I married. Do read the book.

I also married a man who was loving and absolutely adored me. Over time I have realised that he has never done anything purely for my benefit. Like yours, he has never organised a birthday, holiday, treat etc etc etc. I did everything. Guess what, kids came along and I did everything there too. Unlike yours at least mine was pretty good around the house, but when kids came he kept on doing what he always had and did not do the extra needed. Its been hell.

If he is bad now, it will be so much worse if you have kids.

I suspect yours only 'soothes your emotional instabllity' as your bad mood negatively affects him.

Mine turned out to have autism. I have no ideas if yours might too but it doesn't matter does it? His behaviour will grind you down regardless of what causes it.

Yours will not change - you can see that based on how he responded to you asking him to get up to feed the cat.

Leave this man.

If he won't get up a few minutes early to feed the cat, what makes you think he'll be a great father? He won't. He'll be even more of a selfish idiot. Just ditch him now before you're in too deep.

As a friend of mine says, he must have a chocolate knob

I worry that we will actually never get engaged because he lacks the capacity to think things through in advance - I know he WANTS to marry me but I’m worried about his lack of urgency sometimes

This sounds quite autistic too. My H was like this. If he cannot think things through in advance, do not have kids with him. You need someone on their game with thinking things through and organisation when you have kids. Or you will do it all.

Honestly , if you stay with this man I can see your future as it became my future.

It will be miserable.

OMG what did I just read.

How on earth does that man love you? He's happy to dump his entire life's obligations on you, insults you when you suggest he could make his own sandwiches occasionally and can't be arsed to do anything for you.

And I agree with pp, he will be a massively shit dad. You will be 100% responsible for any children, and he will sulk and whine that he's not getting as much attention as he thinks he deserves.

You will massively resent this in a few years even if you don't have children, and 1000fold if you do.

You are not expecting nearly enough. A relationship shoudl make your life more pleasant and easier, not create a load of extra work.

OH and let me guess, he soothes your stress by telling you not to worry and things always work out. Without mentioning that things always work out because you have made sure they do.

This. How can you not see that this man is exploiting you? He will never change - men like this don't actually love women, they love being served.

And yes, I thought mine would be a great Dad, as he loved me so much, so he would love them.

He does love them. And he is a terrible, terrible Father. The biggest pain in my heart is that he is their Father.

He loves you, but he is selfish and cannot see your needs or meet them, and he ignore you when you tell him what you need from him.

He will be exactly the same with them. He will love them but his relationship with them will be on his terms and he will not be able to meet their needs.

A man who can’t make himself breakfast will be a shocking father

Thank you, I will read that book! He’s actually joked a couple times that he thinks he may have autism in terms of his love for cars (his obsession). Just saw another comment about someone having autism and the lack of ability to think far in advance - like my partner. But yes I guess it doesn’t matter.

OP you sound lovely but this man is taking advantage of your good nature. He will not change for the better and this may get worse. Please seek therapy for yourself

Thank you - I know that is a good way to look at it, maybe painful even because there are not a lot of actions. I always thought I was being ‘high maintenance’ regarding Christmas and the presents but then I remind myself I really do everything so the lack of thought on these special days hurt.