Am I expecting too much from my partner?

[Emmacam]

We’ve been together 3 years (both 26) and have lived together for pretty much all of that time apart from maybe 5 months at the beginning.

I love him very much. He is my best friend and he makes my world go round. We share very loving life together. He is attentive, and shows me so much love and affection and I know he adores me. He is a gentle soul and there is no bad bone or malice in his body. That’s never in doubt.

I just go through waves of worry that we might not be compatible in terms of spending the rest of our lives together but I’m not sure if I’m just anxious recently. Not sure what I’m gaining out of this post - maybe to see if other ladies think this is normal or whether I’m justified in my worry / or whether I’m crazy in being worried or crazy for living my life like this. Please see points below.

So this is my overall contribution in our day-to-day lives of our relationship:

I always cook dinner - I love cooking I find it de-stresses me. I don’t mean ovenables I always like to cook fresh. I sometimes batch cook a couple days in advance on a Sunday so it means I’m not rushing around on Monday and Tuesdays.

We both work 9-5 jobs. I do love mothering and being ‘domesticated’ (even tho I’m not a mum yet) and so I always make my partners sandwiches before he goes to work, make him breakfast and fill up his coffee flask.

NB sometimes he’s still fast asleep have to wake him up and he might not get up until 10 mins before we are both supposed to leave. I mentioned today if he wouldn’t mind waking up a little bit earlier to help with feeding the cat, and maybe helping make his own breakfast because sometimes it feels like a rush. Maybe I’ve set the precedent here so now he expects it but his response was that ‘I’m always complaining’ and that ‘he could about stuff I do to’ … idk I just thought it was rather an immature response to a reasonable request.

I always do the washing - washing clothes, towels, bed sheets… these things literally don’t cross his mind so of course I do!

when it’s his birthday I always get super thoughtful presents and plan nice stuff with his friends. I go above and beyond. I also tell him I love him and appreciate everything he does etc.

I book our holidays because it’s never crossed his mind and we’d never get a break. Obviously I ask what he’s like and I’ll book it but it dawns on me that if it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t go anywhere! We have a joint bank account so it’s not financial reluctance - it’s just he’s never taken initiative. Maybe this is normal!

I even contact his friends and mother on his behalf. He is so bad and always has been on his phone. It does make me anxious because if I don’t reply to his mum then I feel like I’m in the wrong or responsible - people mainly go through me to get to him and at first I didn’t mind but sometimes it makes me anxious. I’ve encouraged him to be more proactive on his phone but he said he thought ‘I liked’ doing it….. but it’s not the case I just don’t want people thinking he’s dead if I don’t reply!

anyway so I do all of the above which for the most part I’m very happy to do and even though he’s thoughtful in terms of telling me he loves me, cuddles etc he does not show these appreciation in terms of gestures.

So, his lack of contribution:

for all of our christmasses I’ve had to drop hints at the fact he needs to remember to get me a Christmas present. He told me when we first got together he was ‘bad’ at that kind of stuff but now 3 years later surely he knows what I like. Anyway every Christmas he dashes to John Lewis super last min on Christmas Eve. Last year he bought me a candle…. I don’t even like candles! Well I don’t mind them but it obvs wasn’t a thoughtful gift.

since our first Christmas together I’ve had to buy his mother a card on his behalf so he can write in it. I buy her presents from the both of us because otherwise he wouldn’t do it! Same goes for his dad etc. Don’t get me wrong - I like doing this stuff but it worries me these things don’t occur to him. Same goes for Mother’s Day and their birthdays etc! He is great at writing very well written cards so he does do that but that’s as far as it goes.

for my birthday this year I said I’d like some wellies. Well a month later and they still haven’t arrived! He said the Evri driver didn’t deliver it and he has showed me the emails between them but it’s his lack of willing… I’ve never had a problem with evri and if I have I’ve ensured it’s sorted! if it was me I would just re-order elsewhere because it’s my partners birthday??

He’s never booked a holiday for us - I’m always booking them. Because if it wasn’t for me we just would never get a breaks. He’s never once said ‘let’s go away’…

he never buys me flowers - I mean this one is a non issue.

it goes without saying I mention this stuff to him but nothing ever changes, I know he loves me but it does make me feel a little upset sometimes. I worry that we will actually never get engaged because he lacks the capacity to think things through in advance - I know he WANTS to marry me but I’m worried about his lack of urgency sometimes.

I know he appreciates everything I do because he says it and he says thank you but I suppose I just wish there was more romance and if I’m not getting it now I probably never going to get romance!

I’m sorry to be TMI and crude but he never goes down on my during sex. At first he told me it’s bevause he never did it before but this just seems to prove that he’s a little bit selfish and unromantic. I always do for him!! Like… all the time!

I know I’ve said negative stuff about him but he also does contribute in amazing ways:

• drives us everywhere - I mean he LOVES driving and doesn’t think I’m a good driver (I’m not!) so he’s very happy to
• he soothes my anxiety and makes me calm when I’m stressed because I am prone to emotionally instability and that’s something that can’t be replaced
• he’s so handsome inside and out.
• he’s very intelligent and I know he will make a great father
• fixes manly stuff like the cars etc

so maybe I am just behind dramatic and needed a rant….

I'd leave a man for refusing to get up and feed the cat.

It tells you a lot about a person by how they treat animals.

This is another issue too - he’s never really cared about working for money, rather he’s of the belief you should love what you do even if it’s a bin man (he’s not a bin man). And I think to some extent that is a good view to have because I know some people that hate their jobs high paying jobs and lead themselves to depression. But even when I’ve gently tried to bring up career prospects he’s often pulled the ‘you should love me regardless of what job I have’ card but I’ve tried to ask him how he pictures our future ie when we do have kids in 6/7 yrs and I temporarily stop work - will he support the family? What are his prospects? I actually earn £20K more than him, I commute into London on top of doing all these domestic things. I don’t mind earning more of course but I suppose it is ironic when I also do everything else!

Unrelated to your quote butI also want to add that I don’t think he’s ever purchased his own clothes - his mother always did it previously (she still gives him underpants and socks for Christmas and birthdays) - whenever we’ve gone to an even that needs smart clothing I’ve always been the one to take the initiative and buy it because again, he doesn’t think forward! Don’t get me wrong, he’s not sloppy and he has great personal hygiene but he doesn’t care about clothes, doesn’t care about dinner, doesn’t seem to care about anything that people often put thought into…

Why did you move in so quick, when I've been in a relationship with a BF for 3 years I'm still at the meet up once or twice a week stage, couldn't bear the thought of a man in my personal space all the time. But then we are all different.
I would also suggest as from tomorrow stop doing everything for him, don't wake him up or get him breakfast. Cook something quick for yourself, only wash your own clothes. Have you got some friends you can go on a weekend break with for a holiday? do that instead of booking something for you both.
Mothers day this year is on the 30th March (I've checked as I live in Germany and we have it in May) Don't do a bloody thing for his mother, what's the worst that can happen? she calls you to complain? give her a sarcastic, Well he's your son so he should sort something out himself and point out if he wasn't with you who would do it.

It’s time to sit him down and tell him he’s fast approaching 30, it’s beyond time to fast track himself into adulthood.

Your vulva should not be akin to a vegetable he isn’t keen on trying so mummy won’t make him. If you offer him oral, it should be reciprocated. He should be able to judge when he needs clothes and choose and buy them for himself. He isn’t the breadwinner, he isn’t keeping you and taking on the full financial responsibility. So he doesn’t get to just “not do” the housework. 50/50 finances and 50/50 chores. If he wants to have a child with you he will be expected to do 50/50 childcare.

”Not cheating on you” is literally the basic bottom of the barrel expectation in a relationship. Being nice to you sits alongside it. He is either a partner to you or a dependent. You know what he is now. He needs to decide he is stepping into partner territory or he can go back to mummy.

I bet he sponges off her as well.

@Emmacam

Soooooo.... Don't you think if you're going to play at being a 1950s housewife, he should be playing the part of 1950s provider?! 😂

Not that I'm recommending the 1950s stereotype, but ffs. 🙄🤓

You're really allowing yourself to be fucked over.

Bingo! Full house OP...chalk it up to experience and spend a good time single before you even think about another relationship.

You have made a rod for your own back OP. You already have a child, and he's 26 years old. He will never change as the precedent has been set, and you will spend your entire life begging him to "help" while you work yourself into the ground (especially if you decide to have children with him).

I don't know if this is relevant in your case, but I think the rise in "tradwives" and similar accounts on social media seem to be leading a lot of young women into thinking this is the best way to be in a relationship. It is dangerously misguided. I suggest you LTB, do some work on building your self esteem and do some research on women's roles ('Invisible Women' would be a good start). Then evaluate exactly what sort of relationship you want and what sort of partner you want and do not settle for less.

Or spend the rest of your life running around after this man child.

I despair. You lost me at contacting people on his behalf. Omg, your pros list at the end is ridiculously small - no, he won't make a good Dad

Watch him become less loving towards you soon as you stop doing all this shit for him.

So you’re bankrolling him as well as waiting on him hand and foot.

Honestly OP open your eyes and see this pathetic lazy waste of space cocklodger for what he is.

Hes not even giving you the bare minimum, he’s barely throwing you crumbs. Honestly you’re allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat and you’re virtually begging him to wipe his feet on you.

Seriously he knows exactly what he’s doing and it’s using you for his convenience. You really need to be single and look at the freedom programme because currently your bar is so low it’s subterranean

Oh @Emmacam he's taking your for a ride. You're his mother not a girlfriend.

You're young, don' make this the rest of your life.

What first attracted you to Sloth Man?

@Emmacam does he make you feel lucky to have him as he is so good looking and clever and you are an over emotional mess who cant drive

because that screams emotional abuse to me on top of everything else

yiu deserve much much better

Any thread that starts with the OP listing all the wonderful things about their partner and how they don't have a bad bone in their body always end with a description of a pretty shit and uncaring individual. This was no exception.

Your love language is clearly acts of service, he is taking full advantage of that without giving anything back. If you want to spend your life being an overinvolved mother to a grown man then you have hit the jackpot, if you'd rather have someone who operates more on your wavelength you might have to reconsider your future with this toddler-like man.

My SDD was in your position at the age of 25. Living with a useless cocklodger-in-training boyfriend who expected her to take on all of the domestic load and 'take care' of him whilst he did the absolute bare minimum to meet her needs, never taking her out or treating her, 'forgetting' her birthday/Christmas gift, spending all his free time gaming, expecting oral sex but never reciprocating, and coasting in his job with zero ambition, whilst being resentful of her higher salary.

He was really good-looking though.

She finally saw the light and dumped his pathetic arse, and now 4 years later (after having fun being single and working hard to get promoted in her job), she's with a lovely man who looks after her as much as she does him. He is equally ambitious and supportive, is apparently the best she's ever had in bed, their life goals are aligned, he's thoughtful and attentive, buys her really lovely gifts (not expensive, just things he knows she will love). They are just about to purchase their first home and do it up together ready to start a family in a few more years. Above all, they are a team. I have never seen SDD so happy and confident.

Please get rid of this loser OP. He will only drag you down. Every day you waste being his Mummy Maid is a day less with the love if your life.

"This is another issue too - he's never really cared about working for money, rather he's of the belief you should love what you do..."

@Emmacam This is all well and good. But... you can feel the 'but' coming, can't you? It appears that as well as having this fundamental belief about work, he translates this ethos into everyday life as well. If he doesn't love doing something, he just doesn't do it.

Which is why you are now his unpaid servant, and do all of the life admin, housework, cleaning, cooking, making his packed lunch for him, wakinghim up in the morning, remembering to contact his family, reminding him to buy you a Christmas present - all of it. It simply hasn't occurred to him that sometimes things need doing whether you love doing them or not. And while you continue to pander to him, he has no reason whatsoever to change.

Sit down with him, and tell him that from now on, everything is going to be shared between the two of you as equals in the relationship. He will agree. And then, in a few weeks' time, you will find that he just hasn't stepped up so you will need to go on strike to ram the point home.

Good morning,

I wonder if it makes a difference to say at the outset that I'm a gay man who's lived with his husband for 29 years, always happily? We don't fight and our small number of disagreements have always been quickly resolved. We have both had close brushes with death but are fully recovered.
We have a good many friends and some are gay but most aren't.

I am struck by some unkind responses which don't seem helpful at all. The original post is quite complex and deserves proper consideration and it doesn't seem that the responses give evidence of that. It's useful to bear in mind too that none of us is perfect...
The nice woman with the problem is anxious. This state of mind can make it hard to be sure that we aren't overstating or understating a case. So the first thing to do is get some help. You simply can't make good decisions without some mental balance. The way to this may be drugs, psychotherapy, meditation/mindfulness or any combination of the three.
Now you can begin to review the position with or without the husband but with is potentially better. He needs ideally to be part of the process. If the couple truly love each other the outcome will defo be an improvement on what is currently happening. Both parties should see a way forward - they may be best together, happier apart or something between those positions.
Now the sex: If a party to a sexual relationship doesn't like a practice or position their choice must be respected. End of story. If that's a deal breaker then it is. On the other hand it sounds as though the lady herself may not be that keen on too much cock sucking. Could she be feeling that she must do her man a daily favour? His birthday is an annual event! Hers is too, so would he, if seductively tempted, give her some head? She could ask him. She could edge him until he can refuse her nothing. She could give him some mild pain. All's fair in love and war isn't it? The idea is to drive the other person wild with desire sometimes. At other times a sleepy, comfortable fuck does the job.
For what it may be worth, my view is that she is perhaps being too kind and too straightforwardly anglo-saxon......

Not that this story is really any laughing matter. I do hope that these differences can be resolved for the sake of both parties to the marriage.

M

PS I haven't covered all the points, of course not. The essence of what I say is that we don't come into the world knowing all the answers. Human children need training. Our mothers and fathers teach us mainly by example and what if they set us bad examples? We don't get the chance to learn - housework is not actually done by instinct, if you follow me.
We can't be too critical of men who are less than useful around the house or not much good with babies because it's not fair. Even if they know what's needed they can feel insecure and less than confident so they get defensive and make lame excuses. The fragile male ego will often disallow a man from admitting his ignorance of, say, how a nappy is changed. He feels out of his depth. He covers it up with bluster etc. Testosterone has such a lot to answer for! Now I'm old it matters less.
Neither can we expect women to be useful with a spanner but of course many don't fit this stereotype. My sister had a new boiler installed a few weeks ago by a small team of engineers led by a woman in a boiler suit. She did a great job and is funny and nice.
Is what I say any use?

Do you wipe his arse as well and then wait for a thank you card?

Stop acting the martyr!

And I know I'm a pompous old git. Please be kind for I don't seem to be able to help it. M

Agree 100%. Someone has actually written a book about this. It's called Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. You don't need to be married in order to try her ideas

I also want to add that I don’t think he’s ever purchased his own clothes

Ignoring absolutely everything else for a minute, the above all by itself would have made me go "Nope, I'm out" the moment I discovered it. How can this not disgust you, how do you not find it utterly and completely pathetic? At 8 my daughter was capable of going into a shop, picking out something she liked, taking the right money to the counter and paying for it.

And this guy doesn't have the willingness or ability to do even that?

Can he cut up his own food or do you do that for him as well?

Honestly @Emmacam , I'd be utterly disgusted with myself if I spent more than a week in a relationship with someone this utterly pathetic.

This guy is not a full adult and probably is incapable of functioning as one.

That said, stop using another person to soothe your anxiety.

You've become his Mum.

He won't make a good father. He'll expect you to continue to be his mum despite actually being a mum to a new human.

You'll then grow to resent him.

This springs to mind https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-man-child-and-his-long-suffering-wife-couples_b_592bffa9e4b07d848fdc052a/amp
i would get out, there is more to life!
also
https://www.drpsychmom.com/men-never-take-care-of-you/
sex will only get worse, why would you be with someone who can’t be bothered to do anything for you.
being handsome inside and out it is not a thing
so what he likes driving, you can get an uber!
he sounds awful and it will only get worse.