Am I expecting too much from my partner?

[Emmacam]

We’ve been together 3 years (both 26) and have lived together for pretty much all of that time apart from maybe 5 months at the beginning.

I love him very much. He is my best friend and he makes my world go round. We share very loving life together. He is attentive, and shows me so much love and affection and I know he adores me. He is a gentle soul and there is no bad bone or malice in his body. That’s never in doubt.

I just go through waves of worry that we might not be compatible in terms of spending the rest of our lives together but I’m not sure if I’m just anxious recently. Not sure what I’m gaining out of this post - maybe to see if other ladies think this is normal or whether I’m justified in my worry / or whether I’m crazy in being worried or crazy for living my life like this. Please see points below.

So this is my overall contribution in our day-to-day lives of our relationship:

I always cook dinner - I love cooking I find it de-stresses me. I don’t mean ovenables I always like to cook fresh. I sometimes batch cook a couple days in advance on a Sunday so it means I’m not rushing around on Monday and Tuesdays.

We both work 9-5 jobs. I do love mothering and being ‘domesticated’ (even tho I’m not a mum yet) and so I always make my partners sandwiches before he goes to work, make him breakfast and fill up his coffee flask.

NB sometimes he’s still fast asleep have to wake him up and he might not get up until 10 mins before we are both supposed to leave. I mentioned today if he wouldn’t mind waking up a little bit earlier to help with feeding the cat, and maybe helping make his own breakfast because sometimes it feels like a rush. Maybe I’ve set the precedent here so now he expects it but his response was that ‘I’m always complaining’ and that ‘he could about stuff I do to’ … idk I just thought it was rather an immature response to a reasonable request.

I always do the washing - washing clothes, towels, bed sheets… these things literally don’t cross his mind so of course I do!

when it’s his birthday I always get super thoughtful presents and plan nice stuff with his friends. I go above and beyond. I also tell him I love him and appreciate everything he does etc.

I book our holidays because it’s never crossed his mind and we’d never get a break. Obviously I ask what he’s like and I’ll book it but it dawns on me that if it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t go anywhere! We have a joint bank account so it’s not financial reluctance - it’s just he’s never taken initiative. Maybe this is normal!

I even contact his friends and mother on his behalf. He is so bad and always has been on his phone. It does make me anxious because if I don’t reply to his mum then I feel like I’m in the wrong or responsible - people mainly go through me to get to him and at first I didn’t mind but sometimes it makes me anxious. I’ve encouraged him to be more proactive on his phone but he said he thought ‘I liked’ doing it….. but it’s not the case I just don’t want people thinking he’s dead if I don’t reply!

anyway so I do all of the above which for the most part I’m very happy to do and even though he’s thoughtful in terms of telling me he loves me, cuddles etc he does not show these appreciation in terms of gestures.

So, his lack of contribution:

for all of our christmasses I’ve had to drop hints at the fact he needs to remember to get me a Christmas present. He told me when we first got together he was ‘bad’ at that kind of stuff but now 3 years later surely he knows what I like. Anyway every Christmas he dashes to John Lewis super last min on Christmas Eve. Last year he bought me a candle…. I don’t even like candles! Well I don’t mind them but it obvs wasn’t a thoughtful gift.

since our first Christmas together I’ve had to buy his mother a card on his behalf so he can write in it. I buy her presents from the both of us because otherwise he wouldn’t do it! Same goes for his dad etc. Don’t get me wrong - I like doing this stuff but it worries me these things don’t occur to him. Same goes for Mother’s Day and their birthdays etc! He is great at writing very well written cards so he does do that but that’s as far as it goes.

for my birthday this year I said I’d like some wellies. Well a month later and they still haven’t arrived! He said the Evri driver didn’t deliver it and he has showed me the emails between them but it’s his lack of willing… I’ve never had a problem with evri and if I have I’ve ensured it’s sorted! if it was me I would just re-order elsewhere because it’s my partners birthday??

He’s never booked a holiday for us - I’m always booking them. Because if it wasn’t for me we just would never get a breaks. He’s never once said ‘let’s go away’…

he never buys me flowers - I mean this one is a non issue.

it goes without saying I mention this stuff to him but nothing ever changes, I know he loves me but it does make me feel a little upset sometimes. I worry that we will actually never get engaged because he lacks the capacity to think things through in advance - I know he WANTS to marry me but I’m worried about his lack of urgency sometimes.

I know he appreciates everything I do because he says it and he says thank you but I suppose I just wish there was more romance and if I’m not getting it now I probably never going to get romance!

I’m sorry to be TMI and crude but he never goes down on my during sex. At first he told me it’s bevause he never did it before but this just seems to prove that he’s a little bit selfish and unromantic. I always do for him!! Like… all the time!

I know I’ve said negative stuff about him but he also does contribute in amazing ways:

• drives us everywhere - I mean he LOVES driving and doesn’t think I’m a good driver (I’m not!) so he’s very happy to
• he soothes my anxiety and makes me calm when I’m stressed because I am prone to emotionally instability and that’s something that can’t be replaced
• he’s so handsome inside and out.
• he’s very intelligent and I know he will make a great father
• fixes manly stuff like the cars etc

so maybe I am just behind dramatic and needed a rant….

OP you sound lovely but you are massively enabling this man-child. It’s time to throw this one back and seek therapy to unpack why you’ve accepted this for so long, you need to build your self esteem and raise the bar. You are still young. Don’t drop anchor here!

I have been on Mumsnet for years and have read many Relationship threads. There are a few things I would like to say here…

First of all: please stop martyring yourself for this man child. Find a grown up man to be your partner through life. I was 30 when I met DH (he was 34). We met at work and I knew him for a couple of years before I asked him out. On our first date, he invited me to his house and cooked me a meal then we went out. His house was immaculate because he knew how to look after himself and didn’t expect anyone else to do it for him. During 35 years of marriage, we have lived as partners with all of the household tasks fairly shared between us. When one of us is ill, the other steps up. No one feels downtrodden.

Secondly: I am getting increasingly annoyed by people on here using the autism card for incapable and lazy men. DS has ASD and Learning Disabilities and he can cook, clean, tidy up and care for his parents when they are ill. He is not selfish and entitled like OP’s “DP”.

OP’s “man” is a badly brought up lazy and entitled person who should be left to find his own way as soon as possible. OP, please wake up and leave him so you can find the relationship you really deserve. Make a family with an adult and your children will thrive!

"Is what I say any use?"

None whatever.

And I know I'm a pompous old git you forgot sexist too @TheMedusa

It doesn’t sound like you are a team. I think that’s the real issue! You both need to bring something to the table, and hopefully, split chores equally based on each persons strengths.

Its lovely you like to cook so why isn’t he meal planning, food shopping and prepping with you? You can turn these things into bonding time. It’s one of my favourite things to do with my DH.

It is brilliant that you like to plan holidays/ days out but how does he make your life easier

It was telling that you had a sizeable list for your self and then struggled so much you listed “he’s so handsome inside and out and he’s very intelligent and I know he will make a great father”.

What gives you the impression he would make a good father? He sounds like a lazy teenager with no real ambition.

In short, it is not a crime to not be romantic but it sounds like it’s something you need. You need to communicate this with him and if he can’t be romantic, won’t be an equal partner, then you know it’ll never work.

Thank goodness for Mumsnet

Lots of us had one of these in our early relationships. So long as you realise what is going on, it's useful experience to work out what you really want in a partner.

It's definately not this, as you describe it.

Do your future self a favour.

Throw this one back, and make sure the next one invests equally in your relationship before starting to think what a good father they would make.

And make sure you find out early on how they respond when you say 'no' to something. Now that's a really good test of a person's character and yes I learned it on Mumsnet.

Jesus bloody Christ.

I'm a nice kind person too - and even kinder and nicer when I never have to do anything adult.

I too would give you cuddles and words of thanks if you, for nothing and without me having reciprocated in any way:

• Got me up lovingly with my breakfast made and my lunch packed
• Gave me oral sex so I can just lie there and not have to put any effort in
• Proactively took care of my wider family relations and protected me from feelings of guilt my shitty neglect of them
• Earned more than me so I need never worry about money - what I earn is my spends, what they earn takes care of the essentials
• Bought my clothes so I never have to worry I look shabby, but also I get to keep my money for my own spends

He doesn't have any reason to be anything other than nice to you!

What are you, his mommy. That would give me the ick.

Heartbreaking thread OP.
Kick this loser to touch.
You are sooooooo young and you have allowed him to turn you into a skivvy...
WTF???
Why would you do that?
Get into therapy quick.
I would be beyond devastated to find one of my precious daughters was settling for so little.
You have a shite future ahead of you with him.
Get into therapy asap.

How did you get there SNSN? I am absolutely not sexist. You've never met me but you are making a judgement which is wrong in both senses. I have written a piece in simple language and excluded a lot of my thinking as there is no space for it. Would you ask me to pretend that we are all the same? I wouldn't wish to live in a world where one size fitted all, but luckily such a place is not on offer.

My comment wasn't intended for you and perhaps that's the problem? It was specific to the nice but unhappy woman who asked for advice. I recommended the use of wiles which is quite legitimate in a sexual relationship. I expect you think you can be 100% straightforward with your lovers when that's only safe with your oldest friends as many of us know but don't usually admit.

I recommended reciprocation with an edge. That is NOT sexism. What I said was nuanced.

No.

The majority of posters have been very kind but very honest.

If, at the beginning of the relationship, he has no interest in her needs, and then three years down the line still has no interest in her, why is it her job to make him "wild with desire"?.

You may be a gay man, but you're still a man. So you're giving a male perspective. And that isn't what @Emmacam needs. What she needs is the experience of women who have lived lives with men like she's describing, to stop her wasting her youth on a man who doesn't even care about their sex life, never mind the rest of their lives.

We can't be too critical of men who are less than useful around the house or not much good with babies because it's not fair.

Yea we can. Women are not rehabilitation centres for inadequate men. He’s a grown up - about time he acted like one.

And regardless of you being a gay man, you’re still a man and mansplaining to women never goes down well.

OP your post made me cry. What has happened to drive you to have such low self-worth that you are acting as an unpaid domestic servant to a man just for the few crumbs of nice words he throws out? Words are cheap.

As many others have said, you have made this rod for your own back. You had the perfect opportunuty 3 years ago to say, "Right, I will make your dinner every night, and in return you will do all the cleanup afterwards. I will do all the laundry, and in return you will dust, mop and vacuum the whole house." And so on. This should have all been laid out as part of the "deal" of moving in together.

I don't believe you can turn this situation around because you have been his doormat for so long. Your plan to ask him nicely to do a bit here and there won't work. He won't do it and he knows you will carry on doing it.

I don't think you have the willpower to demand he respect you by taking HALF the chores and mental load.

Prove me wrong!

He sounds like my 14 year old autistic nephew. You totally have a man child on your hands. One with a deep rooted selfishness. It won't get better, and if you have kids together, it'll get 10x worse.

Stop filling his flask and making his sandwiches in the mornings. When he asks why you haven't, tell him it's because you want the extra 10 minutes in bed instead, and he needs to get up 10 minutes earlier to do it himself. His response to that will tell you all you need to know.

Your plan to ask him nicely to do a bit here and there won't work.

Especially as you already tried and he basically responded with calling you a nag.

We can't be too critical of men who are less than useful around the house or not much good with babies because it's not fair.

How is that not sexist stereotyping?

Using a hoover or washing machine or changing a nappy does not require a special lady intelligence. Men are quite smart really. They can use all kinds of implements.

It doesn't matter who does the chores in a relationship, it doesn't have to be 50/50. What DOES matter is that you feel happy and appreciated in that relationship. Your thread seems that you DONT.
Sit down with him and tell him what you've told this thread about your 'day to day'.
Then decide if this is what you want for the rest of your relationship.
I agree with the other posters - he won't make a great dad, he won't get up with the baby, change nappies, do day to day stuff, and he'll refer to looking after his OWN children as 'babysitting'.

BTW my 17 year old son sounds more independent than your partner - he does his own washing, changes his bed, walks the dog (on request!), he cleans his room, and makes his own breakfast/lunch. We eat our main meal together as a family - and I cook 95% of the time.

Certain tasks require a vagina to be good at them. If you're not born with one, you don't know how to switch on the iron. And they don't come with instructions. Just an oestrogen sensor.

How did you get there SNSN? I am absolutely not sexist. You've never met me but you are making a judgement which is wrong in both senses.
Your words spoke for themselves.

.I have written a piece in simple language and excluded a lot of my thinking as there is no space for it. Would you ask me to pretend that we are all the same? I wouldn't wish to live in a world where one size fitted all, but luckily such a place is not on offer.

Tell me, why do you think you need a vagina to be good at housework and looking after babies? And do you operate a spanner with your penis? If so, you're doing it wrong.

My comment wasn't intended for you and perhaps that's the problem? It was specific to the nice but unhappy woman who asked for advice. I recommended the use of wiles which is quite legitimate in a sexual relationship. I expect you think you can be 100% straightforward with your lovers when that's only safe with your oldest friends as many of us know but don't usually admit.

I can be 100% straightforward with my husband. I don't need to manipulate him or train him. He's a grown up who can figure out how to do housework and looking after our child.

I recommended reciprocation with an edge. That is NOT sexism. What I said was nuanced.

There was no nuance. Just plain old sexism.

Couldn't be bothered to read all g that as I knew the answer after the first few paragraphs.

Am I expecting too much from my partner? No, he's just a lazy shit enabled by you treating him as a child.

It won't get better, they never change and many get worse! If he leaves you to do it all now, you will be doing it all yourself and with children, which is way way way harder. You will be exhausted and resent him. Also he may be resentful of you for not being able to spend as much time mothering him as you used to, because you will have you know, genuine actual children to mother. When someone shows you who they are, believe them! Actions do speak louder than words! Came say you weren't warned OP. Eyes wide open.

OP, you have my sympathy because I've put myself in this situation before.

When you stop doing everything for him, watch very carefully to see how he treats you. I'm betting he feels entitled and might be disrespectful. If he is this will tell you a lot.

We can't be too critical of men who are less than useful around the house or not much good with babies because it's not fair.

Coincidentally, DH moved into this house and became a proud owner of a baby exactly the same time as I did. In which way is it not fair to expect that he knows just as much, or as little, as the case might be?

This is like when I arrive at a new place at exactly the same time as my mother, and she asks me where everything is. I don't know mum, we've been here exactly the same amount of time.

Or when an email gets sent out at work and my colleagues start to ask me questions related to it. I have the same information in front of me, received at the same time. Why am I expected to know more?

DH was just as involved in choosing our house. He was just as involved in the creation of our child. He can be just as involved in the looking after of both. Yes we play to our strengths but in that I am better at cooking and he is better at cleaning the bathroom. Not in that I'm the woman so I must do all housework and child rearing.

OP I had a relationship a lot like this although I was a less enthusiastic maid than you. I look back 15 years later and I am horrified that I ever thought it was good enough, I didn’t realise my self esteem was so low. There’s a famous quote that we accept the love we thing we deserve and you deserve so much more. I married this man knowing he would see me drown before he lifted a finger to help and I was right and it was never good enough.

Also as a side note, this is exactly how many relationships are and then children come along and the man cannot hack not being the centre of the universe anymore. And so they find another woman, from work or whatever, and tell her stories of how he never wanted kids and he just had them to keep the peace, how his psycho ex changed and left him all unloved and excluded. Tale as old as time.

Ew even worse. Trust me this will grate on you when you are on maternity leave and he 'cant afford' to step up and you are left still paying a mortgage to keep a roof over your heads. Your earning power will increase while his stagnates due to his lack of ambition or ability to plan for the future. These 'live for the moment' types often have serious addiction issues too so could be gambling or something worse, it can go hand in hand with their poor impulse control and lack of responsibility. Permanent Peter pan syndrome! He'll quit his job on a whim because he didn't like It/didn't meet his values anymore and he fancied time off at your expense. It will be like having a SAHP before you know it but one that doesn't actually parent so just a SAH man basically. It's possible he's even targeted you because you fit the enabler profile...you are a perfect mummy replacement.