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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pregnant with a man who doesn't want it but my last chance

193 replies

bearus25 · 09/03/2025 15:14

So I recently found out I'm pregnant I'm 39 have one child who is 18..

My boyfriend is 36 and complete opposite to me, he lives free spirited and is a bit of a rogue. He has children two he does not see. We have only been together a year and to be honest I think we are not compatible. He goes awol regularly enjoys going out drinking regular enjoys a coke binge from time to time complete opposite to me. He has his own business and I work for a company. He has quite a narcissistic side and many of my friends have told me to leave him because of his behaviour. I am now 13 weeks pregnant confirmed yesterday. I just don't know what to do I always wanted more children and yearned for it. I just know that our relationship won't work with a child and barely works now. So I will if I go ahead be a single parent and although done it before this is different I'm older have my own mortgage and older child on the verge of fleeing the nest.

So I'm lost confused and not sure what to do where to turn. Do I continue as this is my last chance to be a mum again which is what I always wanted but do it knowing I'll be alone... or do I not and do the thing I won't say and live my life without this and without this man

Sorry complete ramble but I'm an emotional mess and don't know what to do

OP posts:

ohyesido · 09/03/2025 15:16

Do you want the baby?

cheezncrackers · 09/03/2025 15:18

Only you can answer those questions OP, but it sounds like you need some counselling to help you make the right decision. Contact Marie Stopes or BPAS and arrange to go and talk it all over with one of their counsellors.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2025 15:18

Do you want to keep the pregnancy in the realisation he will be no example of a father to this as yet unborn child?.

Were you actively trying to conceive?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2025 15:19

I would also suggest you contact BPAS.

Original poster

bearus25 · 09/03/2025 15:19

I think so I'm just scared of being alone again always wanted more but guess wanted the whole package of a family

OP posts:

ohyesido · 09/03/2025 15:21

If you have any slight wish to keep the baby, do so. Once they are gone you can never get them back

Fagli · 09/03/2025 15:22

Well it looks like you’ll be alone again sadly. Even more sadly a third poor child will have to grow up with a terrible father figure. It’s not something I’d inflict on a child, but if you have means and capability and want to carry on, then go for it, but be prepared to do it totally alone.

Original poster

bearus25 · 09/03/2025 15:22

Thank you I'll try them, we weren't trying to conceive but genuinely thought I couldn't fall as tried for many years with my ex and it never happened had tests when was younger as had pcos so was a shock to say the least

OP posts:

Krop · 09/03/2025 15:23

Are you sure you want to have the baby?

You have an 18yo - you have done "the whole kids thing". Do you want to do another 18 years of parenting kids - sounds like you will definitely be alone doing it? Bearing in mind that an 18yo still needs their parents for lots of stuff.

If you're certain, then I guess have the baby. I think that most people in your situation probably wouldn't, but it is up to you and you must make a decision you're happy with.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2025 15:24

Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied as you have been. Do you want a child by him?.

How is it you two ever got into a relationship at all?. What attracted you to this person?. A person you know already to be unreliable.

Kahless · 09/03/2025 15:24

You sound like you are panicking about not being a mother again.

Before you found out you were pregnant, did you actively want another baby?

If you want to continue this pregnancy then do it. It can only be your choice. You will be doing it alone either way

Meadowfinch · 09/03/2025 15:25

Only you can answer that. Are you happy making decisions on your own?

If it was me, I would go ahead. You already know that the dad won't be around for long. You have a home and a career. There is no reason why you would struggle.

I've done 14 years as a single mum. It's been a joy. I've coped fine even though I was 45 when I had my DS.

Congratulations & good luck.

Sashya · 09/03/2025 15:27

Well - it looks like the relationship will break down regardless of the child.

So - the only question now is if you want to have a child. And it seems that you say that you always wanted another child... You wanted the whole fantasy, of course - but we don't necessarily get the fantasy.

FWIW, I had my 2nd child at the same age. Wanted child, and was married. So - had the fantasy you are dreaming of. It's now several years later - and I am divorced.

Have the baby if this is what you always wanted. Men come and go. You'll have plenty of time to meet someone else.

Waterlilysunset · 09/03/2025 15:27

If you have any feelings of wanting to keep the baby, don’t rush into abortion

Original poster

bearus25 · 09/03/2025 15:29

Thank you I appreciate the replies, sometimes it's better to seek advice from strangers as the lines are not blurred

OP posts:

sometimesmovingforwards · 09/03/2025 15:34

bearus25 · 09/03/2025 15:22

Agree.

Personally the whole scenario as set out in the OP looks like my idea of a living nightmare.

verityveritas · 09/03/2025 15:38

Only you can decided OP. But could you handle a child who inherits various traits/ genetics from their father? Whilst it's not a given, some kids are much, much harder to parent than others, the fact you describe the dad as a 'free spirit' eg selfish sod who shirks his responsibilities, might very well result in a child who has the same pattern of behaviour. Could you manage a child who was more like their dad than you?

RentalWoesNotFun · 09/03/2025 15:41

I'd think about how you see life in 8 months when you have a baby.

How will your work be? Will it be easy to return to the same post or would it affect your career ambitions?

Does your son live at home, how would it affect him especially if he's studying a uni course and a tying baby is waking you both nightly.

Will you have enough money to live on? What happens when the baby is old enough to need its own bedroom, do you have one or could you move?

What is nursery provision in your area like? If you couldn't get one how would you manage?

Do you have anyone to help, mum sister auntie whatever?

Are you healthy or do you worry about potential age related health issues? Is the father healthy or are there any risks there of anything genetic being passed on.

What would you do if your child is disabled and your world turns upside down. How would you cope.

When we start to be of an age our bodies make us broody. It's a thing. So don't do this because it's your last chance, do it because you really want a child and you're happy to go it alone and have sensible thoughts and plans for the future.

caringcarer · 09/03/2025 15:45

You know you'll be alone as a parent if you go ahead, but if you want another DC and think you manage, why not? As you say it's unlikely you'll get another chance. Would the father make a financial contribution through CMS? Would you get a decent maternity pay at your workplace? You've got a little bit of time to think things over but don't let the father bully you into abortion. If you abort it should be because YOU do not to go ahead with pregnancy.

caringcarer · 09/03/2025 15:46

Nothing to stop you meeting someone who would take on you and a new baby. It does happen sometimes.

biscuitsandbooks · 09/03/2025 15:50

I wouldn't bring a baby into the world knowing that their father was a useless fucker.

FluffyDashhound · 09/03/2025 16:02

So your undiagnosed adhd man doesn't want a baby. Imagine him wanting access and sharing your baby 50.50 with him. He may binge when he has the baby if he's a narc he will take you through courts for access then imagine you meet someone else and your dealing with the child sharing and how he will be when you meet someone else oh and the mood changes as well. Been pregnant your high risk for dv

Babaganoush2013 · 09/03/2025 16:08

I honestly wonder if some of these threads are genuine, I can't believe this one.....
He's a rogue, goes missing for long periods of time, he's a narcissist, has children he doesn't see, takes cocaine, binges on alcohol, you didn't think the relationship would survive etc etc...
why on earth did you continue to see this person and now bring an innocent child into the equation?
You should have listened to your friends who could all see the warning signs 😑

Original poster

bearus25 · 09/03/2025 16:12

This has been an eye opener there are some brutally honest responses which are hard to read but necessary. Not thought about provisions as such in terms of nursery etc. my company only offers SSP which would be a big hit on my savings but doable as would want to return to work after a year. Hadn't thought about genetics and behaviour traits guess thought more that I will be the main care giver.

OP posts:

biscuitsandbooks · 09/03/2025 16:13

Do you not care about saddling your baby with a useless waste of space for a father?

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