Pregnant with a man who doesn't want it but my last chance

[bearus25]

So I recently found out I'm pregnant I'm 39 have one child who is 18..

My boyfriend is 36 and complete opposite to me, he lives free spirited and is a bit of a rogue. He has children two he does not see. We have only been together a year and to be honest I think we are not compatible. He goes awol regularly enjoys going out drinking regular enjoys a coke binge from time to time complete opposite to me. He has his own business and I work for a company. He has quite a narcissistic side and many of my friends have told me to leave him because of his behaviour. I am now 13 weeks pregnant confirmed yesterday. I just don't know what to do I always wanted more children and yearned for it. I just know that our relationship won't work with a child and barely works now. So I will if I go ahead be a single parent and although done it before this is different I'm older have my own mortgage and older child on the verge of fleeing the nest.

So I'm lost confused and not sure what to do where to turn. Do I continue as this is my last chance to be a mum again which is what I always wanted but do it knowing I'll be alone... or do I not and do the thing I won't say and live my life without this and without this man

Sorry complete ramble but I'm an emotional mess and don't know what to do

Would that be the case if OP does not put him on the birth certificate, or if he only pursues the idea of involvement later (unlikely if he does not bother with his other children)? If not confronted with the responsibility he would likely go off as the "free spirit" selfish sod he is, and no more bother from him. It would mean getting no maintenance from him - perhaps a price worth paying for his non-involvement if OP can afford it financially. Good luck OP. He is not worth keeping so don't let him influence your choices or bully you or persuade you.

I’d keep the baby, if u think he will cause harm to get drunk around the baby don’t let him have access, for people saying why would u have a baby with someone like that, I had 2 babies with a nice bloke who’s true colours shown once I had them, and maybe your 18 year old could help abit too, all is not lost, having a baby is hard but it’s a joy

This man isn't going to give you that package, regardless of whether you keep this baby or not.

This man doesn't seem like a suitable sperm donor and he obviously is a terrible father.
So I feel sorry for any children who have him as a father.

That said you are now quite pregnant and it sounds like you want to keep your baby, so you need to prepare to be an older single mum. It is perfectly doable.

Yeah, this freedom can be overrated if what you really want is children

So, abort in case it’s not got a nice personality? Ffs.

I honestly feel OP is looking at this with such rose tinted glasses.

I couldn't imagine anything worse now my DC is an independent teen to go back to sleepless nights, toddler groups, school runs, every illness under the sun, juggling childcare cover for 13 weeks a year, huge amounts of income going out the door.

Op this is not your fantasy of family life. Id think long, hard and realistically about this situation. Talk to a professional counsellor. And work on your self esteem.

I do hope you realise that your chances of another relationship would be drastically, hugely reduced with a baby/young child in tow at your age. You'll be a single mum for a long time.

Many women post on here about finding it hard to parent children who remind them of their abusive or nasty ex's - I think it's a valid point. OP isn't in a situation where the child is already here and the relationship has ended - she knows the guy is a dickhead and would be purposefully choosing to saddle her unborn child with him for a father forevermore.

It's a fucking huge commitment and not one you want to get wrong if you have the choice.

This.

Sorry, but OP wtaf are you thinking? It's all well and good getting uppity about people being "blunt and then there's blunt" but what massive double standards to take umbrage at that, whilst ignoring the magnitude of what you'd be doing.

A drug taking narcissist who has binned off two of his children already, owns his own company so expect no CMS to support the child, and will never see the child...and you've been consistently having unprotected sex because you didn't think you'd get pregnant?? Seriously. You'll likely be the main carer? Stop romanticising and start getting real. You will be the only carer. And this kid has to go through life knowing their father didn't want to know.

But it's ok because you really want a baby? Saying it's your last chance saloon isn't justification. It's not your last chance to be a mother is it, you've had 18yrs of motherhood.

My cousin kept the baby in the same circumstances. The boy is desperate for a father and really heartbroken that his father didn't want him. He always asks about him and if he looks like him. It's shattering to listen to. You are willingly bringing a baby into that same situation

Read that until it sinks in OP, because that's the reality of what you're choosing for a whole new human's life. And that's just surface level. This stuff goes deep. You're choosing to do that to someone else, who lives with the consequences for the rest of their lives, something that huge, often causing life long issues... because you want another baby. Is that ok with you?

Oh wow, that’s the strangest thing I’ve heard this year, my son is the double off his dad, don’t get me wrong I do worry incase he repeats what his dad gets up to but there’s no way my love for my child has changed

I'm not sure it's that strange.

If you have an ex who was abusive, or treated you badly and broke your heart, and you're left to raise a child who speaks like them, or has their mannerisms, it must be a little bit jarring.

I guess I'm just not sure why anyone would deliberately chose to put themselves in the position of having a child with someone they know to be totally useless.

Continue, ive brought two kids up on my own due to domestic abuse, there is no way I'd be without them now.

It's different if the children already exist - it's not like you can go back in time.

But OP is choosing to saddle herself with a waste of space ex, and to saddle her child with a father she knows will show little/no interest in them. It's a totally different thing and very, very unfair IMO.

The standards of women on here are lower than rock bottom.

I have Been in the exact same position as you just mentioned and there’s no ways I’d act differently or resent my son for reminding me of his father I love my child more so for it

At 39 yiu won't have as much energy as the first time. It a massive commitment. Only you can decide. In your situation I probably wouldn't.

So kill the baby then!! It’s not that unborn baby’s fault, I would not harm my children because who there father is

I didn't say anyone had acted differently or resented their child, though?

I just said I know many people have found it difficult, and I'm not sure why anyone would willingly saddle themselves and their unborn child with a total waste of space.

I understand your wanting to have the baby and it being your last chance. I'm sure you would be a great mum. Personally there's no way I'd want to start again at 39 especially on my own. There's also the consideration that your child will have a useless arse for a father who probably won't bother with him/her or at best will drift in and out of their life. That's a difficult thing for a child to deal with and the sense of rejection can affect them into adulthood. Of course, there's always the chance that you'll meet someone wonderful who will be a fantastic stepdad to your little one!

Ok fair point, it just baffles me how people can say they find it difficult to parent a child because they act like there dad I think it’s such a shame

It's not a baby, it's a clump of cells

That’s how much you know then ain’t it,

I don’t know why you’re laughing at my post for ! A baby’s heart beats as early as week three, and all limbs and organs are perfectly formed by week 4 or 5, just because her ex is a dickhead doesn’t mean her BABY doesn’t deserve a chance off life !!

Because I don't agree it's a baby? It's cells. It's not viable outside the womb and has absolutely no consciousness. It doesn't need to be brought into a world with a dad who doesn't give a single shit about it.

You cannot start divining who has a right to live and who doesn’t !!