Page 7 | Pregnant with a man who doesn't want it but my last chance

bearus25 · 2025-03-09T15:14:31+00:00

So I recently found out I'm pregnant I'm 39 have one child who is 18.. My boyfriend is 36 and complete opposite to me, he lives free spirited and is a bit of a rogue. He has children two he does not see. We have only been together a year and to be honest I think we are not compatible. He goes awol regularly enjoys going out drinking regular enjoys a coke binge from time to time complete opposite to me. He has his own business and I work for a company. He has quite a narcissistic side and many of my friends have told me to leave him because of his behaviour. I am now 13 weeks pregnant confirmed yesterday. I just don't know what to do I always wanted more children and yearned for it. I just know that our relationship won't work with a child and barely works now. So I will if I go ahead be a single parent and although done it before this is different I'm older have my own mortgage and older child on the verge of fleeing the nest. So I'm lost confused and not sure what to do where to turn. Do I continue as this is my last chance to be a mum again which is what I always wanted but do it knowing I'll be alone... or do I not and do the thing I won't say and live my life without this and without this man Sorry complete ramble but I'm an emotional mess and don't know what to do

Lyannaa · 09/03/2025 21:06

biscuitsandbooks · 09/03/2025 20:48

@Lyannaa except the father is self employed with his own business so will likely never pay a penny in child support.

Oh. Yep that could be a nightmare. He might not always be self employed though. The second he's on a pay roll there's not wriggling out of anything.

Lyannaa · 09/03/2025 21:08

Ask me and the thousands of others on MN who have had this happen what the consequences are for them not paying....clue....there arent any. the CMS is not fit for use, and millions of mothers and children suffer because of it.

Personally, I have always been able to get my children's father to cough up via the CMS. If they are on a payroll, they will go after him and do a deduction of earnings order if necessary.

Clarabell77 · 09/03/2025 21:10

biscuitsandbooks · 09/03/2025 20:48

@Clarabell77 there's more to being a parent than wanting a child and being able to provide financially - a hell of a lot more.

And women in the UK can have an abortion if they want to and feel it would endanger their mental health to continue the pregnancy.

Yes indeed they can, because that’s part of the criteria. However, sometimes it turns out to be worse for the woman’s mental health, so it’s not something anyone should feel pressured into by judgemental pro-abortionists.

The OP is already feeling vulnerable and has said she has wanted another child, yet posters on here who would take pride in calling themselves “pro choice” are berating her for her choice of partner and advising her to have an abortion. The fact that she couldn’t even type the word in her original post tells anyone with a bit of common sense that it’s not something she is likely to want to do - and doing it is likely to cause her harm.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 09/03/2025 21:10

You need to to say goodbye to the man. That’s not debatable.
Then think about the future of this child and not from your point of view.
Do you have friends and family who can offer support? How will your own DC feel?
By having this child you are connecting yourself to this man for a long time. Let’s hope he goes away and stays away.
Forget the romantic ideal of having a baby in a cosy little love bubble because it’s bit going to happen.
Think about the implications of having a baby in terms of your career, and finances and long term.
You also need to think about how you will cope if you have a termination.
Only you can decide about the baby.

smallsilvercloud · 09/03/2025 21:12

I was in a similar position a few years ago but only 6 weeks and knew I definitely couldn't do it, no regrets, the thought of going ahead stressed me out more, the financial responsibility on my own, For you, if you can work and still keep yourself and baby financially stable then you are in a better position, only you know what you're capable of managing.
I know 13 weeks makes it harder and perhaps you leaving it this long, is because you'd rather go ahead?

Partybaggage · 09/03/2025 21:23

I do not agree with those that have said it's not fair on the child to not have a father present all the time.

There's a difference between not having a father present all the time, and inflicting a drug addict waster on them as a father.

What if he did choose to be a proper dad and wanted 50/50? Are you happy to hand the child over to him for overnights?

TeaNtoast25 · 09/03/2025 21:25

I’d keep the baby after reading what you wrote, you sound like a good mother and as a woman we can parent on our own without ANYONE to step up and help, no one helped me look after my babies and there lovely children they’re my absolute world, I’ve got a 15 year old and 13 year old, I’m currently 7 months pregnant, some people may call me mad for starting all over again but I’m so excited to be having another one and doing it all over again, it’s a joy there my life as sad as it sounds I wouldn’t be here without them, your children will help you get through it all it’s all worth it

Partybaggage · 09/03/2025 21:25

Clarabell77 · 09/03/2025 21:10

Yes indeed they can, because that’s part of the criteria. However, sometimes it turns out to be worse for the woman’s mental health, so it’s not something anyone should feel pressured into by judgemental pro-abortionists.

The OP is already feeling vulnerable and has said she has wanted another child, yet posters on here who would take pride in calling themselves “pro choice” are berating her for her choice of partner and advising her to have an abortion. The fact that she couldn’t even type the word in her original post tells anyone with a bit of common sense that it’s not something she is likely to want to do - and doing it is likely to cause her harm.

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Abortion is an option that's open and available to her, and in this instance would seem worthy of consideration whether you like people talking about it or not.

LePetitMaman · 09/03/2025 21:32

I do not agree with those that have said it's not fair on the child to not have a father present all the time

Well that's not what people are saying, as you well know.

Having a child, thinking it's in a good situation, only for it to go unexpectedly sour is not the same as going "this is an utter shit show, but I'll choose this on behalf of this child and let them deal with the consequences for the rest of their lives. Why? Because I want one more baby".

Anyway, it was clear from the start you were always going to keep it, don't know why you bothered with the thread tbh.

Cucy · 09/03/2025 21:41

I do not agree with those that have said it's not fair on the child to not have a father present all the time. My daughter is the most amazing responsible considerate intelligent happy teenager. Kids are resilient and she is a credit to me.

I’m sure your DD is happy but I can guarantee that she’d love to have a supportive father and family in her life too.

We all want decent parents and you being dismissive of this, tells me a lot about you.

You say you don’t know anything but being a mum and now your eldest is needing you less, so you’re trying to cling on to the only thing you know.

You want this baby for all of the wrong reasons.
You’re only thinking about yourself, which isn’t the best mindset for bringing a baby into the world.

It sounds like your mind is already made up though and so I wish you all the best.

Clarabell77 · 09/03/2025 21:47

Partybaggage · 09/03/2025 21:25

Abortion is an option that's open and available to her, and in this instance would seem worthy of consideration whether you like people talking about it or not.

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Not sure what you mean, I don’t mind people talking about it. I think you’ve misunderstood or misread my post.

Clarabell77 · 09/03/2025 21:49

Cucy · 09/03/2025 21:41

I do not agree with those that have said it's not fair on the child to not have a father present all the time. My daughter is the most amazing responsible considerate intelligent happy teenager. Kids are resilient and she is a credit to me.

I’m sure your DD is happy but I can guarantee that she’d love to have a supportive father and family in her life too.

We all want decent parents and you being dismissive of this, tells me a lot about you.

You say you don’t know anything but being a mum and now your eldest is needing you less, so you’re trying to cling on to the only thing you know.

You want this baby for all of the wrong reasons.
You’re only thinking about yourself, which isn’t the best mindset for bringing a baby into the world.

It sounds like your mind is already made up though and so I wish you all the best.

Deary me, I don’t think you could be more judgmental if you tried. Wishing OP all the best at the end of the post doesn’t take your judgy nonsense away.

Eyerollexpert · 09/03/2025 21:50

For those saying OPs DD would prefer to have a supportive father than not, of cobut as OP gas already said life does not always work out the way we would like.
In an ideal world all kids would have 2 supportive parents who have enough money, a lovely home, roses round the door but you only have to spend 10 mins on MN to see this is not the norm now and perhaps never was. I had both parents but not loving, not nurturing, not encouraging. OP sounds an amazing parent already, lots of kids would be lucky to have the same.

CurlewKate · 09/03/2025 22:55

@Clarabell77 "However, sometimes it turns out to be worse for the woman’s mental health, so it’s not something anyone should feel pressured into by judgemental pro-abortionists."

How do you know it turns out worse for the woman's mental health?

And what is a "judgemental pro abortionist"?

Your true colours are showing.

pinkdelight · 09/03/2025 23:14

It's very easy for ppl to say why did I get in this situation etc. unfortunately life doesn't always go to plan.

It seems even easier on here to say 'unfortunately life doesn't always go to plan' than to take responsibility for bad decisions like dating a deadbeat cokehead for a year and having unprotected sex. That's not unfortunate, or poor boundaries which you're helpless to address, that's your choice and an active one I suspect as you clearly want another baby and don't care that much who the dad is because no1 turned out fine so who needs them eh. As a pp said, you've obviously made your mind up so fine crack on and hope for the best, but it all feels a bit disingenuous.

Dery · 09/03/2025 23:17

I don’t have a view on whether or not you should have your baby, but I do think you could do with some therapy around relationships. This guy is so full of red flags. You say you had dreams of building a family unit but how could you imagine achieving that with someone who doesn’t see his existing his children and goes on cocaine binges? You seem to have focussed on the fact he said he loved you. Not everyone’s love is worth having - this is a man whose love is obviously poor quality as evidenced by the fact he has 2 children he doesn’t see. Whatever you decide to do about your pregnancy, it would be really good for you to do some work around that, I think.

Clarabell77 · 09/03/2025 23:20

CurlewKate · 09/03/2025 22:55

@Clarabell77 "However, sometimes it turns out to be worse for the woman’s mental health, so it’s not something anyone should feel pressured into by judgemental pro-abortionists."

How do you know it turns out worse for the woman's mental health?

And what is a "judgemental pro abortionist"?

Your true colours are showing.

How do I know? Um, because I’ve heard/read about woman who say it did. Surely you can see how it could be traumatic and affect women’s mental health? Do you think it’s like getting a tooth extracted?

I’m glad my true colours are showing, means I’m getting my point across. 👍

If you don’t know what judgemental means or what a pro abortionist is I don’t think you can really contribute anything to this thread.

category12 · 10/03/2025 05:51

How do I know? Um, because I’ve heard/read about woman who say it did. Surely you can see how it could be traumatic and affect women’s mental health?

But you can't know if the MH outcome was worse than it would have been if they'd continued the pregnancy.

That's the road untravelled. It's impossible to know.

People sometimes have regrets and guilt and trauma about decisions they make, especially with something as emotionally loaded and stigmatised as abortion.

It doesn't mean the choice itself is harmful. It's usually what's around it and why they're making it.

Cucy · 10/03/2025 06:25

Eyerollexpert · 09/03/2025 21:50

For those saying OPs DD would prefer to have a supportive father than not, of cobut as OP gas already said life does not always work out the way we would like.
In an ideal world all kids would have 2 supportive parents who have enough money, a lovely home, roses round the door but you only have to spend 10 mins on MN to see this is not the norm now and perhaps never was. I had both parents but not loving, not nurturing, not encouraging. OP sounds an amazing parent already, lots of kids would be lucky to have the same.

The issue here is OP is CHOOSING to have a child knowing that the dad will be (at best) not involved and non supportive of the child.

I don’t know any parent who would wish that on their child.

OP is not thinking about what’s best for the child at all, she is just thinking about what’s best for herself.

She’s in a relationship with a deadbeat and only wants a baby because all she’s known is being a mother and doesn’t want to give that up now her DD is older.
She is obviously not in the right head space right now.

CurlewKate · 10/03/2025 06:37

@Clarabell77 "If you don’t know what judgemental means or what a pro abortionist is I don’t think you can really contribute anything to this thread"

Nobody is "pro abortion". Right thinking people are pro a woman's right to have an abortion if that is her choice.

And I know many people whose mental health has been severely affected by having a baby.

DorothyStorm · 10/03/2025 06:40

Cucy · 10/03/2025 06:25

The issue here is OP is CHOOSING to have a child knowing that the dad will be (at best) not involved and non supportive of the child.

I don’t know any parent who would wish that on their child.

OP is not thinking about what’s best for the child at all, she is just thinking about what’s best for herself.

She’s in a relationship with a deadbeat and only wants a baby because all she’s known is being a mother and doesn’t want to give that up now her DD is older.
She is obviously not in the right head space right now.

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She isnt choosing to have a child with a deadbeat. She is already pregnant by the deadbeat and is choosing not to terminate. Are you only prochoice when the choice is the same as yours?

Eyerollexpert · 10/03/2025 06:53

Cucy · 10/03/2025 06:25

The issue here is OP is CHOOSING to have a child knowing that the dad will be (at best) not involved and non supportive of the child.

I don’t know any parent who would wish that on their child.

OP is not thinking about what’s best for the child at all, she is just thinking about what’s best for herself.

She’s in a relationship with a deadbeat and only wants a baby because all she’s known is being a mother and doesn’t want to give that up now her DD is older.
She is obviously not in the right head space right now.

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Totally disagree, OP fully understands that the partner needs to go and she will be parenting alone, which she has successfully done before. If everyone waited for a man who steps up, is supportive and provides we would have a population crisis in many countries. I admire 100% the men who do, I have not found any myself.
OP is a good Mum and I repeat one good parent is more than many have regardless of a two parent household or not.

Clarabell77 · 10/03/2025 06:53

CurlewKate · 10/03/2025 06:37

@Clarabell77 "If you don’t know what judgemental means or what a pro abortionist is I don’t think you can really contribute anything to this thread"

Nobody is "pro abortion". Right thinking people are pro a woman's right to have an abortion if that is her choice.

And I know many people whose mental health has been severely affected by having a baby.

Someone has posted on here who clearly doesn’t want to have an abortion, yet the pro abortionists are suggesting she has one. If she’d posted saying she can’t believe she’s got pregnant she’s devastated about it, doesn’t know how she’ll cope, etc I’d say fair enough, but she hasn’t. Yet the pro abortionists have jumped in with their judgement (about her choice of partner) and their one piece of advice - have an abortion - and actually, disgustingly, trying to guilt her into it (how can you even consider bringing a baby into this world with a father like that-type comments). Horrible - and not deserving of the title “pro choice”.

Everybodyshuman · 10/03/2025 07:17

This depends on you.. if you want another baby you should keep the baby and sack him off. Who knows maybe he feels like a failure of a father and will step up to the plate and surprise you as some sort of redemption. I also want to say though, what if you meet your dream partner 1 year down the road and get pregnant .. and you could have had your dream of a complete family with someone you really quite like.. and then you’ll have two babies at 40/41..
quite a handful but no judgement just weighing the options!
also think of the child though. I grew up with a single mom and she was great but there will always be a hole in my heart from not having a present father. No matter how amazing mom is that feeling doesn’t go away and still has an impact on me and the way that I love.

worth thinking about..

good luck to you wishing you the best …
x

TheOccupier · 10/03/2025 07:37

You haven't said whether you've told your boyfriend about the pregnancy. Does he support his other children financially even if he doesn't see them? If he doesn't then I would end the relationship now, not mention the baby, have it (congratulations!) and not even put him on the birth certificate. You might meet a better partner, people find love in their 40s all the time and having a baby in the mix might be a challenge but it's not a deal breaker.