Pregnant with a man who doesn't want it but my last chance

[bearus25]

So I recently found out I'm pregnant I'm 39 have one child who is 18..

My boyfriend is 36 and complete opposite to me, he lives free spirited and is a bit of a rogue. He has children two he does not see. We have only been together a year and to be honest I think we are not compatible. He goes awol regularly enjoys going out drinking regular enjoys a coke binge from time to time complete opposite to me. He has his own business and I work for a company. He has quite a narcissistic side and many of my friends have told me to leave him because of his behaviour. I am now 13 weeks pregnant confirmed yesterday. I just don't know what to do I always wanted more children and yearned for it. I just know that our relationship won't work with a child and barely works now. So I will if I go ahead be a single parent and although done it before this is different I'm older have my own mortgage and older child on the verge of fleeing the nest.

So I'm lost confused and not sure what to do where to turn. Do I continue as this is my last chance to be a mum again which is what I always wanted but do it knowing I'll be alone... or do I not and do the thing I won't say and live my life without this and without this man

Sorry complete ramble but I'm an emotional mess and don't know what to do

Just to pick up on some points. I was careless but as I said I have pcos my periods have always been irregular and more so the last 18 months or so, I thought I was perimenopause to be honest. My daughter is 18 and currently studying a levels she doesn't want to go to university and wants to work and travel. With regards to the relationship I know it isn't right but I am bad at setting boundaries for myself and knowing my self with I guess. I do have a very supportive mum close by and my dad.

Considering you already have 1 daughter who lives at home and have still thought it appropriate to be in a relationship with this waste of space, then no, I don’t think you should bring another child into the world.

Must have been pretty shit for your poor 17 year old daughter to witness you being in a relationship with such an extreme waster. You really must do some work on your self esteem if you were looking for love from a man who abandoned his first two kids. If you keep this child you are going to need to be much more mature about your choices going forward.

My cousin kept the baby in the same circumstances. The boy is desperate for a father and really heartbroken that his father didn't want him. He always asks about him and if he looks like him. It's shattering to listen to. You are willingly bringing a baby into that same situation. However, at 13 weeks I personally think having an abortion would be traumatic . It's not the same as before 12 weeks, therefore you will need a plan on how you are gping to provide decent male role models for this poor kid.

Both my adult daughters have male partners whose own fathers fall very short of ideal father material. And you know what, both these young men are decent human beings. Nurture has a huge part to play in shaping a child’s outlook.

If you want the baby then keep it.

My only reservation would be sperm quality. Are there any risks when the father does coccaine?

Cripes. That’s a mess.

did you only just find out?

If you really want the baby, and are clear eyed about going it alone then it's possible. But you have to be able to do it alone without this waste of space, and you have to be sure you're not going to let him back into your life. And make sure he pays-but through a formal CMS arrangement. Don't be duped into anything else.

I'd be more worried about the child who will be wanting to know about their father and feeling very upset knowing that he didn't want them. That's a heartbreaking situation to knowingly bring a child into. Not saying it can't be done, but it seems harsh on the child.

Unfortunately personality traits and temperament are partly heritable! It’s whether the op can step up to model better behaviour …and when women as mature adults with children already ,are in relationships with unsuitable men I do wonder if that’s possible.

It certainly sounds like he wouldn't be a present father, but you also need to consider the fact that whether you like it or not you may be tethering yourself to him for the rest of your life. He will have the right to be involved in his child's life if he wants to be and you will need to deal with him if that's what he chooses to do.

Brutally honest answer/question- why are you so insistent on fucking up your life at 39, OP?
If it's a baby you want, you could have planned and used a sperm donor anyway.

As he has his own business you can kiss child support goodbye. Plus what are you showing your DD at such an impressionable age. Hey men can just go off, do drugs and be shit but I’m fine having an unwanted child with him.

I know to some this will sound wanky, but i think if you're pregnant and you want the baby then go for it.
You will manage. Obvs you need to get this guy out of your life but you could sort that and he might be persuaded to provide for the child.
I speak as someone who has an only child and had 2 miscarriage and tried all sorts incl chinese herbs to get pregnant again.
all the best

Your DD is now at an ages where she’s independent and you can start living life without needing to be worrying about getting home on time etc.

My DD is the same age and I genuinely couldn’t think of anything worse than doing it all over again.

I like my sleep, lying in on weekends, going to the cinema, meeting friends after work, not having a phone call from school and having to leave work early, being able to just walk out of the door without wrestling a small child into their shoes etc.

I don’t know why you’d want to give up your freedom like that.

You obviously have some issues as you’re in a relationship with someone incompatible but having a baby isn’t going to ‘fix’ you.

Get rid of the man and focus on the DD that you do have and yourself.

This is your time now where you can do whatever you want.
I wouldn’t advise getting tied down with a man or baby.

thinking someone who says they love me do love me

God you've gotta get past that dreamy-eyed love stuff right now. There's a child's life at stake and surely it's much more tangible that he's a non-dad to his two existing DC, takes drugs and is not a viable partner at all, than whether he says the L word now and again. You've gotta get real and decide whether you want to be a lone parent from now until you're almost 60 (or older). I wouldn't count on some good guy coming along to 'take on' you and your DC in the interim. It's not impossible but with your boundary issues and the state of dating being what it is, it's more likely that you'll be going it alone or taking on more aggro. And that's in the best case scenario where this deadbeat leaves you and the child alone and isn't a constant pain for the next 18 years. Sorry, but you have to be real with yourself about this, whatever you end up deciding.

Is your DDs father involved?

If not, do you not feel sad that she has an entire side of a family that she doesn’t see/have support from?

My DD is an only child and her dad or his side of the family has nothing to do with her.
It absolutely kills me and there’s no way I’d make another child go through that if I could help it.

Tbh it sounds like you really want this opportunity, and it's easy for people throw around words like abortion. For some woman this is a clear and right choice for them. But it seems to me like you would regret this chance of babyhood and parenting again. The dad will do whatever they want anyway, the relationship is doomed. But your love for the life inside you seems like the only positive. And having supportive parents close by is very helpful.

@bearus25 this is probably your last chance, if you want this baby keep it but tell him you’d rather be alone than him flitting in and out of your child’s life. Being a single parent is much better for a child than a shitty parent present.

I have a child with additional needs, pretty severe ones, but I was quite young (20s) when I had him, so whilst risk is higher with older women having babies, it’s not a finality the same way having babies without sen are as a younger parent.
But don’t go into having a baby unless you’re prepared for a special needs child, nipt test can’t tell you everything but I’d have one done anyway.

I know narcissist is a throw away word but I believe one of my DCs father would meet the criteria for narcissism and my child doesn’t see him because of his fathers behaviour.
My DS is absolutely wonderful and the nicest kid ever but I do see small personality traits (he also sees them and works hard to stamp them out, we discuss it) of his dad. We discuss together does he like the way it feels doing something manipulative and I get him to reflect on how he could have handled situations better, what to do next time and how happier he’ll be not having to keep up with lies etc, we’re open about it and I absolutely pour praise on him for being honest etc it all sounds intense but he can try to manipulate more than kids typically do, fortunately he is good at lying so it’s easy dealt with, but he can use his moods to almost control situations which is something his father did and I’ve spoken to him about how silent treatment (as example) is actually abusive. But I never thought my DS at even 14 would develop traits his dad has but even mildly, they are there so whilst I love and nourish him all I can, sometimes he can just bring out a bit of his nature not nurture side and it’s not easy to deal with.

I am 60 youngest 21 been a single parent forever, never regretted it for a minute. Has it always been easy, no. Has it sometimes been challenging, yes. Ppl said to me you will be in your 60's before you get your life back, my kids were and always will be my life. It has been so different being an older mum, I had more confidence and more patience and saw clearly what I needed to do to make it work for us all. Would I do it all again, 1000%.
Good luck.

You could spend the next couple of years trying to find the perfect partner, settled down, have a baby and the relationship breaks down for whatever reason.
Nothing is ever a given. Nobody aspires to be a single parent. We all want the perfect family but in reality it doesn't exist. You only have to spend 5mins on MN to realise that!
If you want a baby and can afford to raise one financially and emotionally, then DO NOT TERMINATE!!!! A perfect dad at the start can turn into a useless waste of space with 1mth of sleepless nights, no social life etc.
Love this perfect little baby knowing that it will always have a mum that will love it unconditionally xx

Op says he has his own business so no doubt he will find a way to wiggle the figures to get out of paying much, if not any at all.

This really depends how you want the next 20 years to look. As your other child is an adult, you could spend the next 20 years pleasing yourself. Lie ins. Indulging your hobbies and interests. Travel. Work goals. Etc.

OR you could have the joy of parenting a baby as a single parent.

Both of these paths have positives and negatives. Only you know what’s right.

When making your decision, keep him out of it. Let’s face it he won’t be around or a good parent. So think about this from your perspective.

My advice? Have the baby if you want to, but seek counselling and therapy for yourself so your lack of ability to set boundaries doesn't affect this child. Also ask yourself what you found so attractive about a drug using feckless non-father.

You might have always wanted another child, but do you really want one under these circumstances? It's not as if you've never experienced motherhood. Your eldest is about to fly the nest, although she may return because parental responsibility doesn't magically end at age 18. Bear in mind you'll be nearly 60 by the time this child is 18. Do you really want to spend all those years trying to cope financially and emotionally all by yourself? You're young enough now to start enjoying life. There so much you could do, so many opportunities and maybe you could meet someone who isn't a waste of space. None of that is likely to happen with a baby in tow. You say your mum and dad live nearby. I suspect you're planning to rope them into partially raising this child.

How did you even get past more than a few dates with this man? You really are just desperate for a man, right? It’s so depressing when women do this.

Look, do what you want but you’ll be saddling this child with a really shitty dad who probably won’t even bother to see them. Why did you waste a year with this man if you wanted another child? You should have been out there dating and looking for a good man.

This, you do realise the baby will share half his genetics which includes potential mental health disorders?

If you wanted a baby, why did you waste a year with that type of man?