Pregnant with a man who doesn't want it but my last chance

[bearus25]

So I recently found out I'm pregnant I'm 39 have one child who is 18..

My boyfriend is 36 and complete opposite to me, he lives free spirited and is a bit of a rogue. He has children two he does not see. We have only been together a year and to be honest I think we are not compatible. He goes awol regularly enjoys going out drinking regular enjoys a coke binge from time to time complete opposite to me. He has his own business and I work for a company. He has quite a narcissistic side and many of my friends have told me to leave him because of his behaviour. I am now 13 weeks pregnant confirmed yesterday. I just don't know what to do I always wanted more children and yearned for it. I just know that our relationship won't work with a child and barely works now. So I will if I go ahead be a single parent and although done it before this is different I'm older have my own mortgage and older child on the verge of fleeing the nest.

So I'm lost confused and not sure what to do where to turn. Do I continue as this is my last chance to be a mum again which is what I always wanted but do it knowing I'll be alone... or do I not and do the thing I won't say and live my life without this and without this man

Sorry complete ramble but I'm an emotional mess and don't know what to do

If everyone thought of every possibility that might negatively affect a human being before deciding to become parents no one would ever become parents and there would be a whole load more unnecessary abortions happening. There’s criteria doctors are supposed to use for approving abortions, dad is a deadbeat isn’t one of them.

Why is that disgusting?!

It is not morally wrong to consider not continuing a pregnancyin the OP's circumstances.

Its hard enough to provide for a child when it is planned and wanted, what with nursery costs, housing costs etc. To do it alone with no support from the father could be very hard indeed especially if he is a child support dodger, and why wouldnt he be given his history? And thats assuming that there are no other issues.

"Life at any cost" is what I think is absolutely disgusting.

I don't think it's fair to have a baby knowing it's Dad is a waste of space and that they will never have a relationship with their father.

Imagine he did suddenly step up though and wanted 50/50? What then? Coparenting with a free spirit for the next 18 years. Great.

That is not a reason to have a child

The other posters reasons are morally wrong so much so! My kids dad don’t see them he don’t pay towards them he has no contact with them and my kids are doing just fine, it’s matter off opinion

A woman not wanting to continue a pregnancy is reason enough for them to have an abortion. Why any woman would willingly saddle themselves to a total deadbeat for the rest of their lives is beyond me, tbh.

But then I think pro-life at any cost is pretty disgusting - so many people only seem to care about the baby being born, not about how their lives will actually turn out.

I don't think I would keep it in your shoes. You've spent the last 18 years raising a child - do you really want to start again? That will be over 36 years of your life parenting, and a useless dad into the bargain. You weren't expecting or planning to get pregnant.

But if you feel you really want another child, then you might regret not continuing this pregnancy.

Go to counsellling - hopefully that will help you decide, and feel at peace with whatever that is.

Or maybe people not using abortion as contraception for a start! Abortions should be against the law unless a reasonable reason why

This is a tough one OP! I have been faced with a similar decision in the past and I really sympathise. Also, with regards to PP criticising you for getting into this position, I think it’s irrelevant now; sometimes in life we make choices and end up in situations that we didn’t foresee, but you have to be happy with the life you make, as in the end you only have yourself to answer to.

If you really want another baby after you have considered all the possibilities (and challenges) that it would bring, then go for it. I think living with the pain of having had a termination when you didn’t want to or felt like you had to, can be a heavy burden to carry through the rest of your life. That said, as PP have said making sure that you have some support, both practical and financial is really important, as I’m sure you’ve considered. Although you’ve done this before, as you mention, it would likely be different this time around — do you have any family or friends with babies/younger kids? Or will you need to find a new network? Although you can never really
know how it will play out until you have a baby, I think those kinds of considerations make a big difference to your experience.

As for the father thing — lots of people have one or even two less than ideal birth parents, but your network can provide those key adult figures and role models in a child’s life too.

Oh thats it, I am out.

You are appalling if you think that the state has any right to a say over womens bodies. you have the right to your opinion as anyone else has, but to say that this is so beyond the pale.

You are an absolute disgrace to womanhood.

I could say the same to you tho?! Cyyyaa 👋

Keep it.
Bin him.
You will never regret having a child x

Just another perspective. My eldest was 11 and age 34 I wanted another baby but wasn't in a relationship (I broke up with DD's dad when she was 3) and didnt really understand why I didn't like men and had no interest in dating. I had 2 children via a sperm donor age 35 and 36. In 2020 over lockdown I realised I might be bisexual. I'm now 45 and got married last year to a woman. The kids are now 10 and 8 and I will always be happy about my decision. The kids are happy, we're happy and my partner who is 8 years older had always wanted kids. It worked out perfectly.

You always wanted another baby, so I think you should go ahead and have your baby.

You'll work it all out.

Congratulations! x

The father will be legally obliged to pay child support whether he wants the baby or not.

It’s actually not, there’s specific criteria doctors are supposed to use - obviously it’s got very lax over the years, but it’s there.

A mother bringing a child she wants and can more than provide for into the world is hardly “pro life at any cost” ffs.

You do realise abortion isn’t always the answer - it’s not always the best thing for the mother and many women regret it for the rest of their lives.

The father owns his own business so will pay whatever he decides

Yeah, except most of them that dont want to just dont pay.

Ask me and the thousands of others on MN who have had this happen what the consequences are for them not paying....clue....there arent any. the CMS is not fit for use, and millions of mothers and children suffer because of it.

Shall we have a guess how much that will be...

ETA I wonder if he went self employed after the first two to avoid CM, I know of several men who did this, and there are hundreds that I have read of on here.

@Clarabell77 there's more to being a parent than wanting a child and being able to provide financially - a hell of a lot more.

And women in the UK can have an abortion if they want to and feel it would endanger their mental health to continue the pregnancy.

@Lyannaa except the father is self employed with his own business so will likely never pay a penny in child support.

Thank you for all the replies. It's very easy for ppl to say why did I get in this situation etc. unfortunately life doesn't always go to plan. I am far from wearing rose tinted glasses as someone said. I was with my ex for ten years and we didn't conceive I was with my daughter's dad from the age of 17 to 24. I was pregnant at 19. I never wanted to have one child that was never in my plan but circumstances changes things. The guy I am with now I guess I knew wasn't long term material but I never planned that. We dated and a year down the line still dating. What he does is not what I would do but I was not relying on him for anything. I have done it alone as in always paid my own bills and lived independently since me and my daughters dad split up. So when he goes out with mates for a few drinks or has had a coke binge that's on him and has not caused problems as we have had no connection as in finances house etc. we now do as obviously pregnant.Even with my ex he never lived with me full time. I do not agree with those that have said it's not fair on the child to not have a father present all the time. My daughter is the most amazing responsible considerate intelligent happy teenager. Kids are resilient and she is a credit to me.
Also those who say you have life back etc.. being a mum is all I know. Having a child aged 20 I never really got to know myself as in what I want from life in terms of career travel etc... I'm ok with that I'm happy being a mum working doing my thing I have no plans to jet off around the world retrain for new career etc. with or without the child my life will stay the same as I have a mortgage so will continue to work I have aging parents so won't be jetting off anywhere. My daughter although nearly an adult will still need me so life even if I was to not go ahead would stay the same for the foreseeable.
I know it comes across as careless what has happened but it is not how some of you are painting it...

People have babies on their own all the time. I think it's, in a way, easier not having to argue with someone about how you want things done, you settle into a routine that suits you and everything is done how you want it, women are amazing. Yes it'll be hard but children are hard whether you're single or with someone.
IMO you're unlikely to regret keeping it but could regret not keeping it.
Good luck