Pregnant with a man who doesn't want it but my last chance

[bearus25]

So I recently found out I'm pregnant I'm 39 have one child who is 18..

My boyfriend is 36 and complete opposite to me, he lives free spirited and is a bit of a rogue. He has children two he does not see. We have only been together a year and to be honest I think we are not compatible. He goes awol regularly enjoys going out drinking regular enjoys a coke binge from time to time complete opposite to me. He has his own business and I work for a company. He has quite a narcissistic side and many of my friends have told me to leave him because of his behaviour. I am now 13 weeks pregnant confirmed yesterday. I just don't know what to do I always wanted more children and yearned for it. I just know that our relationship won't work with a child and barely works now. So I will if I go ahead be a single parent and although done it before this is different I'm older have my own mortgage and older child on the verge of fleeing the nest.

So I'm lost confused and not sure what to do where to turn. Do I continue as this is my last chance to be a mum again which is what I always wanted but do it knowing I'll be alone... or do I not and do the thing I won't say and live my life without this and without this man

Sorry complete ramble but I'm an emotional mess and don't know what to do

Have you actually told him you are pregnant and he has said he doesnt want the baby?

Abortion is legal in the U.K., thank goodness. Women still have autonomy over their bodies, for now. As we should.

Trot off to Texas if you want to be a little Trumpet.

Spend two minutes on the stately homes thread or any discussion over going NC with useless, abusive, parents and you'll se there's plenty of people who DID regret having a child and made sure that child knew it, causing untold psychological damage.

I'm not saying this would be the OP, as she seems to want to be a parent again, but it's clearly ridiculously flippant to say "no one would ever regret a child". Many people do, for various reasons, some more understandable than others.

My ex is a narcissist and our shared child has developed many of his behaviours that me and the school are really trying to challenge. Very little empathy, will hurt in return if you upset them and then not feel guilty at all, struggling maintaining any friendships. Possible is ND but it’s under referral.

@TeaNtoast25

I’d keep the baby, if u think he will cause harm to get drunk around the baby don’t let him have access

It's nowhere near that simple. The threshold for legal access being denied, if applied for by the father, is so high that it's very unlikely it would be denied in this case.

OP doesn't need to just consider what life will look like if she goes ahead and he is nowhere to be found, she also needs to consider the possibility he does at some point want to be involved.

He's a flaky, selfish drug user. Who will then likely have access to her child. There's lots for her to think about.

You should be happy then, because they are?

We don't have abortion on demand in the UK; you still need 2 doctors to agree and sign off on it and there are time limits.

Who are you though, who is anybody, to decide what the fuck is reasonable for another person's body and life? You don't have to live with the outcome either way.

Can't imagine this deadbeat taking OP to court when he already has 2 children he doesn't see!

This is the nature vs nurture thing isn't it?

Fear not, studies show very few women feel negatively after an abortion. You clearly disagree with abortion and you never have to have one, but it's not appropriate for you to fearmonger. I didn't read anyone on this thread pressuring OP to terminate, reminding her that here is actually a choice in the matter and that there are real logical reasons to weigh up that choice isn't pressuring.

www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0277953619306999#:~:text=By%20five%20years'%20post%2Dabortion,emergent%20negative%20or%20positive%20emotions.

@TheOccupier

Can't imagine this deadbeat taking OP to court when he already has 2 children he doesn't see!

Yes I agree at the moment but the possibility that may change is absolutely something OP needs to take into account.

I'm sure it's been said (only read page 1) but, the real worry isn't that you have to go it alone - it's that he won't leave you alone.

From what you've described of him, it's likely he'll be spiteful that you've 'done this to him' and use that against you by using the child.

At best that might look like him refusing to pay childcare and saying he wants contact but always being flakey and canceling when he knows it'll inconvenience you. At worst...he will bully and manipulate the child against you.

Don't just count on him vanishing.

If you were early days, I'd be saying no way in hell to do this. But as your a bit further along I recognise there might be other considerations.

OP I would consider contacting BPAS or anywhere you can have a proper talk through your feelings. It sounds like you are in a relationship with someone really not right for you and I'm wondering why you've gravitated to him, when he sounds absolutely awful. Please also remember that your 18 year old, although becoming an adult, is still your child at a very important part of their life and how bringing a new sibling into the mix would be. I think it would help you to talk this all through with a professional so you can think clearly and logically. There are also other ways to grow your family if you really want to and think it's right for your family, so I don't think you should be led by panic that this baby is your "last chance".

And whatever you do, do a lot of reading up on what it's like to coparent with a narcissist. I'm sure there's lots of ppl on YouTube that are going through it too.

Personally I think I'd rather shoot myself but I don't want kids so it's an easy choice for me.

I'd say have it. If it is your last chance and you dont take it you'll never forgive yourself.

You also mention that your life won't change but... please consider that having a baby at 39 is a lot physically harder on the body than at 19. You may sustain damages that make it difficult for you to return to work. Or that impact your life in other ways.

Toothloss, incontinence, hair thinning due to hormone fluctuations... I mean that's just the smaller stuff.

Imagine dealing with post natal depression, a newborn and an abusive ex on top of all that. Bye bye job.

It’s hell on earth, it’s soul destroying, our child is effected, I’m effected, whole family is effected. They are poison. I would never wish our child away but it’s not the life I want for them. I drown in guilt. But that’s my experience.

Haven't read the entire thread, but I'm also wondering - what does your 18 yo DD think? Or what would she think? Is she still going to be living with you for a while longer or is she likely to move out soon? How night it affect her? Because yes, your first child is an adult now, but your decision on this is likely to still have a big impact on her, and on your relationship with her, and even more so if she would suddenly also be expected to live with a baby, which is a massive disruption to anyone.

It's not a deciding factor, but definitely something to consider.

Bang on.

She was actively trying to get pregnant. And panicking over her biological clock it was this guy or no one.

Who cares about the kid. OP has decided this is what it's going to be born into because she wants another child.