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Original poster

Pregnant with a man who doesn't want it but my last chance

193 replies

bearus25 · 09/03/2025 15:14

So I recently found out I'm pregnant I'm 39 have one child who is 18..

My boyfriend is 36 and complete opposite to me, he lives free spirited and is a bit of a rogue. He has children two he does not see. We have only been together a year and to be honest I think we are not compatible. He goes awol regularly enjoys going out drinking regular enjoys a coke binge from time to time complete opposite to me. He has his own business and I work for a company. He has quite a narcissistic side and many of my friends have told me to leave him because of his behaviour. I am now 13 weeks pregnant confirmed yesterday. I just don't know what to do I always wanted more children and yearned for it. I just know that our relationship won't work with a child and barely works now. So I will if I go ahead be a single parent and although done it before this is different I'm older have my own mortgage and older child on the verge of fleeing the nest.

So I'm lost confused and not sure what to do where to turn. Do I continue as this is my last chance to be a mum again which is what I always wanted but do it knowing I'll be alone... or do I not and do the thing I won't say and live my life without this and without this man

Sorry complete ramble but I'm an emotional mess and don't know what to do

OP posts:
blacksax · 09/03/2025 16:14

verityveritas · 09/03/2025 15:38

Only you can decided OP. But could you handle a child who inherits various traits/ genetics from their father? Whilst it's not a given, some kids are much, much harder to parent than others, the fact you describe the dad as a 'free spirit' eg selfish sod who shirks his responsibilities, might very well result in a child who has the same pattern of behaviour. Could you manage a child who was more like their dad than you?

Babies don't come out of the womb as free-spirited selfish shirkers. That's all learned behaviour.

Original poster
bearus25 · 09/03/2025 16:14

Is a genuine post and maybe I'm a sucker for being gullible and thinking someone who says they love me do love me. I appreciate your honesty however there's being blunt and being blunt

OP posts:
Nellienooiloveyou · 09/03/2025 16:17

Sounds clear to me

the relationship is over either way
you want to be a mum again

Only thing to decide is if you still want to be a mum doing it alone

MsCactus · 09/03/2025 16:23

bearus25 · 09/03/2025 15:22

Thank you I'll try them, we weren't trying to conceive but genuinely thought I couldn't fall as tried for many years with my ex and it never happened had tests when was younger as had pcos so was a shock to say the least

After this update, and your struggle with infertility, if I was you I would 100% keep the baby!!

I would however, prepare to do it alone. Good luck OP

FanDann · 09/03/2025 16:23

Can you afford to go it alone because this guy may not contribute financially?

Have you got support to help you out when needed because this guy may not be in the child's life?

After 18 years of child rearing, are you ready to go again for another 18?

It wouldn't be for me, but that's just me. Only you can know what you want.

DorothyStorm · 09/03/2025 16:25

bearus25 · 09/03/2025 16:14

Is a genuine post and maybe I'm a sucker for being gullible and thinking someone who says they love me do love me. I appreciate your honesty however there's being blunt and being blunt

Tbh he sounds like a waster. Id Continue the pregnancy and not tell him. What could he possibly offer? He already isnt interested in two children.

hoodiemassive · 09/03/2025 16:26

It really comes across from your post that you really want a baby. Look on this as a happy accident and ditch the partner.

Good luck with whatever you decide xx

Sassybooklover · 09/03/2025 16:26

No one on here can answer your question, only you can. I think you need to look passed the baby stage, and think about further ahead. Do you have a support network around you? How is your 18 year old going to feel about a much younger sibling? What happens when you go on maternity leave, will you financially manage? Will you cope financially going forward? Would you be able to go back to work after maternity leave? Is your current home big enough? How would you cope if your child had a disability, and you were on your own? Do you have support nearby if you or baby were sick? These are all questions that need answering, and honest answers too. You also need to think about what happens if your child's Dad in the future decides he does want contact and/or unreliable?! You know yourself babies don't stay babies for long, they grow-up, and we still feel responsible for them, way beyond 18.

MsCactus · 09/03/2025 16:27

Also OP, I wouldn't listen to the posters about not wanting a baby with his personality. That's not how personality works - your baby's personality will be nature and nurture and will have your traits too.

I think if you want to be a mum, go for it - it could be a real joy.

Msmoonpie · 09/03/2025 16:29

And you see what in this man ? Genuinely ?

NeelyOHara · 09/03/2025 16:32

How have you only just found out if you are 13 weeks gone?

lpzzioss · 09/03/2025 16:32

You've been pretty irresponsible tbh, you've taken a lackadaisical approach on the basis you knew you wanted more children and have completely overlooked you are doing so with a completely inappropriate person. An unnecessarily stressful situation to bring a child into. But you are where you are, you have choices, only you know what is the best choice for yourself from this point forward. You can't change the dad.

category12 · 09/03/2025 16:36

You have to be very realistic about your boyfriend - you already know he's an absent father, who I assume doesn't pay towards looking after his existing children.

So that's what you can expect from him.

If you can manage alone and raising a child on your own is the way you want to spend your 40s and 50s? If you want the baby, you should continue the pregnancy.

MyrtleLion · 09/03/2025 16:36

You can try tossing a coin. Heads you keep it, tails you don't. As the coin is mid-toss, you'll be thinking I hope it's heads/tails or it might be tails and you might be upset or relieved.

For clarity, I am not saying to do whatever the coin says. It's just a way to work out your real feelings

biscuitsandbooks · 09/03/2025 16:42

I'm pretty shocked that people are encouraging you to go ahead and have this baby, knowing the father is useless and won't be involved. How is that remotely fair on the child - to bring them into the world knowing their dad won't give a shit about them?

MrsWhites · 09/03/2025 16:42

It sounds like you want the baby, if you do and you are financially able to support maternity leave etc then go for it.

But - make sure it’s without the loser boyfriend, make a clean break. It’s not fair to a baby to be brought into an on off relationship. If he steps up to be there for the child then great but you need to be fully prepared and able to do it without him, which seems the more likely outcome.

Bigwelshlamb · 09/03/2025 16:45

I'm in the go ahead and have a baby camp. You know the relationship is a lost cause ... You're in a better position than you were when you were younger, you know the score and my advice is do not be too specific about your due date and do not put him on the birth certificate. If he's anything about him (which he sounds like he's hasn't) then let him fight you to be on the BC and pay maintenance. My guess is he'll exit asap. We can all carefully plan everything, I did everything right with one man, was two children in an a personality transplant happened to him.. he's been no contact for almost 20 years and I've gone on to have other children and we are all good. At least you're under no illusions here, if this is your last chance fertility wise then take it, just don't take the man, that sounds irretrievable. Best of luck and congratulations x

DuckBee · 09/03/2025 16:48

Even if you are doing it alone is your bf likely to be a pain and suddenly decide they want to make decisions even if he doesn't do anything else useful?

AgentJohnson · 09/03/2025 16:52

You need to decide if you really want another child or the dream of sharing parenthood as part of a family unit. It comes down to being a single parent again or not being a single parent.

TwistedWonder · 09/03/2025 16:53

I’d say take the useless waste of space sperm donor out of the equation and decide whether you want the baby or not, accepting you will be a single mum.

You’re not going to get your fantasy family with this twat

Pyjamatimenow · 09/03/2025 16:53

I wouldn’t fancy it myself tbh. Depends what you want from life. You’re putting yourself in a really bad position for ever having a nice relationship if you go ahead. It’s not going to work with this man who sounds like a waste of space to me, if you have a baby you will be 50 plus before you get any time to yourself to date and your dating pool will be murky to say the least as a single mother of two with two different dads.

WildJadeWasp · 09/03/2025 16:56

Well,that will be 3 kids he doesn't see. Of you want a baby then be prepared to do it all by yourself.

Garlicgarlicgarlic · 09/03/2025 16:56

Will you be able to afford nursery at the same time as your adult child's university costs (if applicable)? Take leave every time your child is sick?
If you keep the pregnancy the child will ask about the father, who is an absolute scumbag in every possible way. There's no way to sugarcoat it.
Would the child have a relationship with the half siblings the druggie man abandoned?
Unlikely, but he could have the child 50% of the time if the mood took him and he suddenly developed a conscience.

Just some things to think about. Parenting under 18s over a 40 year timespan doesn't sound super appealing, but may seem incredible to others.

biscuitsandbooks · 09/03/2025 16:58

MrsWhites · 09/03/2025 16:42

It sounds like you want the baby, if you do and you are financially able to support maternity leave etc then go for it.

But - make sure it’s without the loser boyfriend, make a clean break. It’s not fair to a baby to be brought into an on off relationship. If he steps up to be there for the child then great but you need to be fully prepared and able to do it without him, which seems the more likely outcome.

It's not just about what OP wants, though.

Kids can get really messed up knowing they were born to parents who never wanted them and never gave a shit about them. OP may well be able to provide the practical stuff, but what about dealing with the emotional fall-out that comes with never knowing your father?

Gundogday · 09/03/2025 16:59

You say the relationship barely works now, so possibly not a long term relationship anyway.

So if you take partner out of the equation, do you want it with or without the baby?

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