Knowing marriage is over

[thelab]

Hello,

I’m married with 2 DC. Home in joint mortgage and I work FT. I’ve only recently changed jobs and took a bit of a pay cut; this was to study so I’ll eventually have much better earning middle of next year. I’m 31.

I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ in marriage for a while now. DH just completely messy to the extremes and not wanting to take on the mental load of much, to keep it very brief!
We’d do nothing outside of parenting but if his friends popped up, he’d be so excited and making all the effort. If he couldn’t go, he’d mope about and speak of how he doesn’t want to let that part of his life go (socialising) and blame me for it. They can’t do anything together that doesn’t involve getting drunk.
Nights are spent with him falling asleep on the sofa snoring.

Anyway, DH got invited to a stag do which he’s currently on, he went yesterday and until Monday evening. He first told me about it in passing at a concert of my favourite band, knowing I’d be distracted, then slyly just booked himself onto it, without even a discussion about it. He then said he wasn’t going, as a previous stag do he went on, late last year, made him miss the children too much.

I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy about the way he went about this, not ‘permission’, just the lack of courtesy to discuss it. I also told him I wasn’t happy as we haven’t even got a family holiday booked this year, yet he’s been to the stag last year, this one and is going on a weekend away for his dad’s birthday next month. He started changing from not going, to going, saying he felt emotionally manipulated by me telling him the children had been upset on the previous one. He assured me he’d make sure we had a family holiday booked before he went however.

Obviously, that didn’t happen and I have no idea how much he’s taken money wise. Before he left, he didn’t even send a message to say he was getting on the plane/that he loves us as he usually would and all I got when he arrived was literally ‘I’ve arrived’. He messaged about 11:30am their time today, again, very brief with ‘Yous alright?’ This is unlike even him.

He’s been online on WhatsApp a lot tonight yet not bothered to message. I don’t expect constant conversation flow but I think it just highlights where we are on the priorities. I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and anger and I’m just so fed up of what has become my life. This feels like the end in my head, like a tipping point almost.

Sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere 😞

So - I’ve just spoken to him and that took a turn!

I don’t advocate for snooping usually but the way he’s been, set off the gut feeling of something wrong. I went on his iPad, not to social media but literally just his contacts. He had a new girl’s name saved in there.

Throughout the call he wasn’t his usual self anyway, very guarded and almost trying to detach from me, saying it had been nice to be there without me twisting and here I was trying to ruin it. That set me off more, so I mentioned her first name in passing.

He went absolutely nuclear, accusing me of going through his social media yet saying the only person with that name was someone from a school tutor group, years ago. I kept saying if I had, there surely wouldn’t be anything to see from someone years ago. He refused to answer this and started calling me a barrage of names such as a manipulative c word, a snake, a lying c word, how I’m a prison, his mental health is in decline because I’m ruining his time with friends etc etc.

We’ve had discussions at home about the relationship and trying to make it better and he’d never say anything like that, just that of course he still loves me etc otherwise he wouldn’t be here still.

He then changed the story to, well he did know this girl, but it was his friend who met her last night and didn’t have his phone so he was using DH’s (sure he said he’s been using it today to message her off too though).

The reaction and the fact if it was your friend (who’d have their phone pretty soon after), you’d just have the number there and not save it - it’s him isn’t it?

At first, I was gunna say, the dating pool is fucking grim so if there’s any love left try to fight for it maybe with counselling but with the update, fuck that dickhead off. Maybe see if you can wait it out until your pay rise

Do you think he’s off with another woman?

Of course it is. He's a self centered nasty little arsehole, isn't he? Get rid.

@AnonAnonmystery I don’t know if my latest update posted by the time you commented. I didn’t, but it just set off a strange gut feeling with me, how distant he was being. I’m definitely very anxious now

sorry op, that sounds shit.
surely if she was no one or an old friend he wouldn’t need to go on the defence and insult you? wouldn’t you just say oh it’s becky from work/ school or whatever? his reaction seems very telling x

@thelab that’s just awful. If he’s genuinely gone on a stay do you’d expect pictures. Or him to call pissed
from a bar with lots of noise. He sounds completely off. It does sound like he’s with someone just by what you are saying.

Well it started off as he only knew one person with that name and she was X X from a school tutor group. When I kept asking how, if I’d been through his social media, as he kept saying I must have done, would I have seen anything relating to this person if he hadn’t seen/spoken to them since school.

He refused to answer that for a long time, just kept calling me baby reindeer, alongside the barrage of abusive names and swearing. He kept saying, you tell me, you know more than me and demanding to know how I’d got this name.

He sounded like he was outside but told me he was alone. I could hear a swimming pool. Very odd as he’d either be out with his friends or in bed in the hotel with them. I asked why he’d been online on WhatsApp a lot and he said it was to co-ordinate where they were going. Again, they usually just stay together.

After calling me a liar etc, then changed the story to the one where it’s a girl his friend has been speaking to yesterday and he didn’t have his phone so had to use DH’s to contact her on. I feel sick and can’t stop shaking. It’s the reaction for me - the horrible names he’s called me, the shouting, getting aggressive and demanding to know how I know and then saying he can’t live like this out of nowhere.

I asked him if we could have a quick call since I finally got to speak to him, on the off chance he was back at the hotel, and it was only a matter of minute from me asking him, to him ringing me so it wasn’t like he’d came out of a pub or anything.

Guarantee he gaslights and manipulates this and it will be your fault, you pushed him away, you don’t trust him, you’re controlling. He will either end it and make you the villain or behave like such a prick you end it but you’ll then be at fault for breaking up the family.

the baby reindeer comment I used to get that even after say I didn’t like it, as well as princess. Hated that.

he sounds like at best an emotional immature deceitful person at worse, abusive tendencies

Surprise him at the airport

@EG94 Yes, controlling was another word thrown at me and I’m like a prison, stopping him enjoying himself.

The girl in question (yes I’ve had to make myself look and feel worse), is currently in Benidorm where they are and is from Wales so no reason why his friend would need her number, especially as he told me in the same phone call, said friend has started seeing someone at home. I feel so awful.

Call her?

I wish I was brave enough!

I don’t think you’d get a straight story. Plus she’s prob single where as you DH is married and lying.

Id message her and ask if she’s with your fella! I’d put it very nicely so she’s inclined to reply, rather than think you’re unhinged and block you.

Make plans, get rid of the dead wood.

also the same in so awful yet continued to pursue me after we ended and tried HARD, he moved out last May, I got Xmas presents and a personalised card hoping 2025 would be a better year for US. Delusional

i have a song for you… hate me by pink

p.s comparison is the their of joy, remember that when you drive yourself doolally over the girl

You could call her and be super nice but explain your DH has an STD - maybe be specific - and you're concerned she'll catch it as he's got form for unprotected sex, as well as lying about being married.
He might have changed his name for her, so have photo ready to send her for confirmation that it's him.
He's an utter lying shit, but at this point I'm not sure what you've got to loose, as if sounds like he's already out the door xx

I’ve sent her a message from my ‘other’ profile which doesn’t identify me and just said I have some friends out there at the moment who’ve seen a girl like her with either friend’s name or DH and I just wanted to speak as it’s not nice to think that of someone you’ve been seeing at home.
I’m trying to be slightly vague at first to see if she gives me anything, if at all, might not reply at all.
I’m uncontrollably shaking since sending it, took ages to type this! I feel absolutely vile, sick/anxious/freezing. It’s just the reaction for me - you know like a cornered child who will throw anyone else under the bus to avoid them being in trouble. I mean I could be wrong, but given how he initially lied about not knowing her at all, it doesn’t look good does it 😫

He’s hard to find on Facebook as he only has his initials as his surname so a quick search of him wouldn’t bring up me in his profile photo or the DC elsewhere.
He’s just been online a few minutes ago but is now ignoring me

Sorry you’re going through this. Do you think he’s been pushing you away leading up to this weekend, almost like he knew he’d be out on the pull. Sounds like he doesn’t want to grow up and resents his responsibilities at home

All I got today was how bad it’s been for him in the past week, leading up to this and what he’s had to put up with. That translates to, me just expressing how I wasn’t happy with how this had all been done / panned out, without any consideration to me. He had mentioned before he’d been asked to go out next weekend to watch a football game too. My point was, when do I rest (very limited childcare) and how it was selfish to go off on holiday knowing we didn’t have a family one booked as that should come first.

OP You have done nothing wrong!!!!

So get rid of those feelings & start to think of moving forward.

It will be interesting to see what/if any response you receive from her. Hopefully if she is a bit tipsy & doesn’t think too much about what’s being asked and just spills all would be great as then you have proof…😉 not because you need it but to show the f**r you know exactly what he has been up to.

That’ll twist his tiny mind right up 😂😂

Let him play the petulant child he’ll be shitting himself when it’s time to come home though!!

As you not engaging will worry him as he doesn’t know what you are thinking or how you will be upon seeing him.

You don’t need to be talking to him anyway not after that level of disrespect he has shown you.

Make sure all his dirty washing is waiting for him for when he gets back & anything else that he relies on you to do. After all you don’t want to be doing everything for him as that can be quite emasculating for a man 😉 as he is already feeling so controlled by you 🤣

I honestly am raging 😡🤬😡🤬 on your behalf for the way he spoke to you!!!! He wouldn’t know what day it was in the week after I had finished with him!

This should apply to both sexes if the relationship no longer works for you be an adult and tell him/her. Men/Women don’t then need to sneak around if they are upfront with their partner but to do what this worm has done is not on. You are the mother of his children have some goddamn respect.

@LivingwithHopenowandforever You are a wonderful person and gave me the tiniest smile with that message.
I thought I’d try out that Snapchat feature when you can post something relating to where you are as a world wide thing anyone can see.

I actually found a video in it, set in the day of him and his friends going into a bar (all together which makes the idea that he’d been on and off WhatsApp all night to co ordinate where they were going sound off) so I’ve told him I have seen that, in the hopes that he’ll start wondering what I’ve actually seen.

I feel awful and like I’m playing into everything he’s trying to say I am, but I’m just desperate to know something, anything 😫

As soon as I read your first post I knew he was interested in some other woman, if not already in an affair. His reaction to your discovery confirmed it. There is almost no chance he isn't a cheater. I'm sorry to have to say so but you'll need to accept that this is who he is. First, secure the money so you can support the kids. He's may take it all and run off with this woman. Do not trust him. Kick his ass out and get legal about it.