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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Knowing marriage is over

514 replies

thelab · 08/03/2025 22:21

Hello,

I’m married with 2 DC. Home in joint mortgage and I work FT. I’ve only recently changed jobs and took a bit of a pay cut; this was to study so I’ll eventually have much better earning middle of next year. I’m 31.

I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ in marriage for a while now. DH just completely messy to the extremes and not wanting to take on the mental load of much, to keep it very brief!
We’d do nothing outside of parenting but if his friends popped up, he’d be so excited and making all the effort. If he couldn’t go, he’d mope about and speak of how he doesn’t want to let that part of his life go (socialising) and blame me for it. They can’t do anything together that doesn’t involve getting drunk.
Nights are spent with him falling asleep on the sofa snoring.

Anyway, DH got invited to a stag do which he’s currently on, he went yesterday and until Monday evening. He first told me about it in passing at a concert of my favourite band, knowing I’d be distracted, then slyly just booked himself onto it, without even a discussion about it. He then said he wasn’t going, as a previous stag do he went on, late last year, made him miss the children too much.

I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy about the way he went about this, not ‘permission’, just the lack of courtesy to discuss it. I also told him I wasn’t happy as we haven’t even got a family holiday booked this year, yet he’s been to the stag last year, this one and is going on a weekend away for his dad’s birthday next month. He started changing from not going, to going, saying he felt emotionally manipulated by me telling him the children had been upset on the previous one. He assured me he’d make sure we had a family holiday booked before he went however.

Obviously, that didn’t happen and I have no idea how much he’s taken money wise. Before he left, he didn’t even send a message to say he was getting on the plane/that he loves us as he usually would and all I got when he arrived was literally ‘I’ve arrived’. He messaged about 11:30am their time today, again, very brief with ‘Yous alright?’ This is unlike even him.

He’s been online on WhatsApp a lot tonight yet not bothered to message. I don’t expect constant conversation flow but I think it just highlights where we are on the priorities. I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and anger and I’m just so fed up of what has become my life. This feels like the end in my head, like a tipping point almost.

Sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
thelab · 09/03/2025 02:41

I have the friend on Instagram and now you’re making me think, he’d viewed my last Instagram story I had on from Friday evening. Aaaahhh!!

OP posts:
Dextybooboo · 09/03/2025 02:42

I mean at best, a stag group have gone to Benidorm, met a bunch of girls they've had a laugh with and exchanged numbers.

TeaNtoast25 · 09/03/2025 02:46

thelab · 09/03/2025 02:41

I have the friend on Instagram and now you’re making me think, he’d viewed my last Instagram story I had on from Friday evening. Aaaahhh!!

Upload another one and see if he views it, I doubt your husband has mentioned anything to his friend as if I was his mate I wouldn’t be happy he’s using me as an escape goat!!

TeaNtoast25 · 09/03/2025 02:46

TeaNtoast25 · 09/03/2025 02:46

Upload another one and see if he views it, I doubt your husband has mentioned anything to his friend as if I was his mate I wouldn’t be happy he’s using me as an escape goat!!

Show quote history

And he wouldn’t think to say to his friends don’t view her story cos it would be weird!

TeaNtoast25 · 09/03/2025 02:47

He would have to explain himself then and if his mate had any morals he would think your husband was a right tosser, I think your husband would keep that one to himself

Original poster
thelab · 09/03/2025 02:50

Thank you. I’ve just posted a generic photo from the day out I had yesterday (keep getting lost with my day now it’s technically Sunday), nothing out of the ordinary to what I usually post.

OP posts:
TeaNtoast25 · 09/03/2025 03:05

thelab · 09/03/2025 02:50

Thank you. I’ve just posted a generic photo from the day out I had yesterday (keep getting lost with my day now it’s technically Sunday), nothing out of the ordinary to what I usually post.

Yea see if he views it then you will have the answer, after you have seen this screenshot it then msg your husband and ask him if his mate is still using his phone

Notinmylifethyme · 09/03/2025 03:09

What do you want out of this? .

Codlingmoths · 09/03/2025 03:23

I think you know what’s going on, the very best case scenario is he wants to cheat and it’s very unlikely it’s that. Talk to his dad and tell him you don’t have a partner and you’ll be asking him to leave.

AnxietyJane · 09/03/2025 04:46

Hi OP, sorry your husband is being AWFUL. So many red flags here from swanning off and leaving you with the family responsibilities, which when mutually agreed is fine but with the added context of how it came about end not even having plans to go away as a family, he's not prioritising you all and is not being a team player. He sounds selfish!

Then onto the bare faced lies, gaslighting and the way he speaks to you! You don't have to entertain picking through all the things that just dont add up. You know when you're being lied to and you don't have to subject yourself to it.

The names he's called you and how he's gone off at you shows he has lost respect, and making you out to be the bad guy and taking no responsibility for his behaviour and how it's making you feel is in my experience what people do to justify their own shi**y behaviour to themselves - like cheating.

Please don't let him talk you round after all this. You deserve better.

GarlicStyle · 09/03/2025 04:51

I agree with talking to his dad. It'll be difficult because you're likely to get emotional - if so, don't worry, it's quite normal under the circs! Try and talk through what's been happening in the lead-up to this, as well as how verbally abusive he was when you spoke.

At the very best, he's met some woman on the stag and is strongly interested in her. There's no other explanation for his ager and defensiveness. It's actually more likely they're together - again, because his reaction was so intense.

Underlying this is all his rudeness, dismissiveness and lack of interest in family life. It doesn't look like a relationship worth trying to save, tbh. Very sad and there's no reason to hide this from your FIL.

Please, also bear in mind what PPs have said about locking down your finances and sorting your paperwork as far as possible. A detached, guilty spouse can turn very nasty and it makes sense to take some precautions.

I'm really sorry.

HelmholtzWatson · 09/03/2025 05:50

He's an adult, he doesn't need your permission to spend time with his friends. When my partner does this, I don't use it as an excuse to snoop their social media and bombard them with messages to try and catch them out.

DubheYouCantBeSirius · 09/03/2025 06:12

thelab · 08/03/2025 23:50

@AnonAnonmystery I don’t know if my latest update posted by the time you commented. I didn’t, but it just set off a strange gut feeling with me, how distant he was being. I’m definitely very anxious now

Don't be anxious. The marriage isn't worth a candle anyway so don't get hung up on what he is up to and with whom or what he says or doesn't say.

This is where you go cool and steely and be done with this pointless man and pointless marriage, get good legal advice and make a plan to get out.

He's a manipulative waste of space. Don't use any more energy on him when you could channel it towards sorting yourself out a great future and do it BEFORE you are earning better money or it will skew the figures for the divorce. Crack on ASAP now. Plan it in every respect to every detail so you are way ahead of him.

Original poster
thelab · 09/03/2025 06:37

Thank you everyone, aside from the one person who mustn't have read things properly or just likes to kick people when down. Managed a small bit of sleep but awake again and feel sick.

What sort of things do I need to sort out and paperwork? We have our own bank accounts and a joint one that a standing order goes into every month.

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 09/03/2025 06:58

HelmholtzWatson · 09/03/2025 05:50

He's an adult, he doesn't need your permission to spend time with his friends. When my partner does this, I don't use it as an excuse to snoop their social media and bombard them with messages to try and catch them out.

Oh come on! Have you not read how awful he’s being and something is very off about him having a girls details that happens to be in the same bloody place! And the lies he’s making up and changing the story. Your situation is may be different with your partner so not fair to attack the op in this way. Hope you never find yourself in her position but if you do, I hope people have more empathy than you do. Enjoy being in the cool wives club ( for now ).

JustMyView13 · 09/03/2025 07:01

I’ve read all of your comments, and only skimmed a few replies so apologies if I’m repeating this.
Have his friends definitely gone to Benidorm? My immediate reaction was your DH having taken his GF on holiday as a couple. Especially this was triggered in my mind by the way he booked it without truly having the discussion, but also how he went nuclear when you mentioned this ladies name. Throughout you’ve also said the background noises aren’t what you’d expect from a stag do. I think your gut is screaming at you louder than DH did on the phone.

In terms of what to sort, do you have joint finances (for the kids / house?) Are you sufficiently well off you could hire a PI to tail him for a bit and gather evidence? If not, does he have access to your money & bank accounts? How is the house owned? Who owns the cars? Do you have joint savings? A pre nup? (These are all rhetorical questions for you to think about, we don’t need to necessarily know x)
A solicitor would be your best bet, but I’d be playing this down with him. Everything is ok, hope he had a nice time. Back to being the diligent housewife he wants you to be to create space for you.

Picoloangel · 09/03/2025 07:03

I’m sorry to read all of this OP. I would see a solicitor as soon as you can. If you’re going to split he will need to go and you’ll have to start off proceedings for the division of the family home. You can come to an agreement about both the children and the house without ever going to Court. Can you afford the house and bills etc without him?

Original poster
thelab · 09/03/2025 07:04

Thank you for the advice.
He popped up on a Snapchat story (the ones where anyone can post it for anyone to view based on a location) and his friends were there too, video just panned around past a bar entrance and there they were going in.

OP posts:
Original poster
thelab · 09/03/2025 07:06

I don’t think I could afford the house alone with my pay cut. The mortgage has just been re done after a fix but, because of his life disorganisation, it was done in a rush as he thought it ended on a different date, so it’s a bit more expensive than we might have been able to get.

OP posts:
Bluenotgreen · 09/03/2025 07:12

Do you know exactly how much he earns? He will need to pay you around 20% of his take home pay.

You might get UC? Try the entitled to calculator.

I can’t see the point of doing any more Miss Marple on this. The relationship is over. You can divorce him because you are no longer happy. You don’t need evidence of anything.

I am sure you will be far happier without him.

Original poster
thelab · 09/03/2025 07:15

I don’t know exactly how much as he’s just had a pay increase but I could find out.
His dad is awake already and saying he will come around in 20 minutes. He sounds very blunt and didn’t put his usual 2 x’s which he puts on every text. God knows what he might have already been told or I’m just hyper vigilant because I feel so awful and raw

OP posts:
DyslexicPoster · 09/03/2025 07:19

He sounds alfwul. You deserve so much better

AnonAnonmystery · 09/03/2025 07:20

@thelab why is his dad coming over so early?

the7Vabo · 09/03/2025 07:24

OP calm down. Why is your FIL coming over at 7am?!

You don’t know anything for a fact yet.

You’re worked up, you haven’t slept get a cup of something and go out to the garden/outside and do some deep breathing.

Original poster
thelab · 09/03/2025 07:26

I didn’t ask him to come over, I was replying to a message he sent yesterday as we had arranged for him to come over and do something with the DC and I if the weather looked okay. I just made a light hearted remark that I look horrendous as I haven’t had much sleep as I had a bad night with DH.
He messaged straight back saying he was going to get up and come over.

OP posts: