Knowing marriage is over

[thelab]

Hello,

I’m married with 2 DC. Home in joint mortgage and I work FT. I’ve only recently changed jobs and took a bit of a pay cut; this was to study so I’ll eventually have much better earning middle of next year. I’m 31.

I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ in marriage for a while now. DH just completely messy to the extremes and not wanting to take on the mental load of much, to keep it very brief!
We’d do nothing outside of parenting but if his friends popped up, he’d be so excited and making all the effort. If he couldn’t go, he’d mope about and speak of how he doesn’t want to let that part of his life go (socialising) and blame me for it. They can’t do anything together that doesn’t involve getting drunk.
Nights are spent with him falling asleep on the sofa snoring.

Anyway, DH got invited to a stag do which he’s currently on, he went yesterday and until Monday evening. He first told me about it in passing at a concert of my favourite band, knowing I’d be distracted, then slyly just booked himself onto it, without even a discussion about it. He then said he wasn’t going, as a previous stag do he went on, late last year, made him miss the children too much.

I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy about the way he went about this, not ‘permission’, just the lack of courtesy to discuss it. I also told him I wasn’t happy as we haven’t even got a family holiday booked this year, yet he’s been to the stag last year, this one and is going on a weekend away for his dad’s birthday next month. He started changing from not going, to going, saying he felt emotionally manipulated by me telling him the children had been upset on the previous one. He assured me he’d make sure we had a family holiday booked before he went however.

Obviously, that didn’t happen and I have no idea how much he’s taken money wise. Before he left, he didn’t even send a message to say he was getting on the plane/that he loves us as he usually would and all I got when he arrived was literally ‘I’ve arrived’. He messaged about 11:30am their time today, again, very brief with ‘Yous alright?’ This is unlike even him.

He’s been online on WhatsApp a lot tonight yet not bothered to message. I don’t expect constant conversation flow but I think it just highlights where we are on the priorities. I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and anger and I’m just so fed up of what has become my life. This feels like the end in my head, like a tipping point almost.

Sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere 😞

You're going to have to grow a layer of extra-thick skin to protect yourself from his angry accusations. Of course he will blame everyone except himself because he is incapable of taking responsibility for his own shitty behaviours.

Take heart from all the women here who have seen this same thing before.

Absolutely agree with this !!

Hi op
I've read your updates had been thinking how you are getting on.

Honestly I understand it's so daunting to take that final step to divorce , but look at his actions his words his attitude towards you he is a baby in a man's body.

Don't prolong this any longer find a solicitor and they will help you clear the fog,then you can present him with yours and your children's plans for the future.
Work out fair access for the children and start building on your own life and self confidence again.

Just leave him to the person he is,leave that weekend behind when he went away and accept there are far bigger problems with this man than that weekend that was just another nail in the coffin.

It's hard at times but try and be excited about your future without him in it you will feel so free,you got this xx

What an absolute dickhead. If he had come back remorseful, genuinely contrite, and willing to do the work to fix your marriage, it sounds like you might have been open to trying@thelab. But instead, he’s shown—without a doubt—that he lacks the maturity, insight, and courage to take accountability for his actions, both in terms of him cheating and, more importantly, in the state of your marriage.

At this point, whether he slept with half of Benidorm or not is almost irrelevant. What really matters is his inability to take responsibility. On top of that, his attitude toward your work and childcare responsibilities suggests he has a deeply misogynistic view of marriage—one where the emotional and domestic load falls entirely on you while he does as he pleases. That’s not just unfair; it’s a complete lack of respect for you as a partner and as a person.

A marriage takes two people, both willing to own their part and work through challenges together. If one person refuses to look inward and just shifts blame onto the other, that’s a direct path to failure. You deserve a partner who values honesty, accountability, and real effort—not someone who avoids responsibility, blames you, dismisses your contributions, and leaves you carrying the weight alone.
This must be so hard but well done for taking your time to think it through. ⭐️

@thelab I’m sorry to see the way he’s behaving but not suprised. He’s following the script to the letter so far. He’s an emotionally stunted, immature, manchild. You are dealing with a child in a grown man’s body. He wants to live the life of a single lad, with no responsibilities, but just won’t say it out loud. It’s easier to deflect all the blame on to you. My approach with him would be to set him free. Tell him that him that you can see how unhappy he is and that marriage and family life is not for him, he clearly wants the single life, therefore you are divorcing him and setting him free. You can’t hold on to someone that is wriggling to free themselves, even though he wouldn’t admit that what he’s doing. Please gather all the necessary paperwork and go see a solicitor asap. Your mental health is going to plummet living like this and it will affect every aspect of yours and your child’s life.

Hey @thelab, how are you this morning?

So Sorry you are going through this OP.
it sounds like the whole stag weekend has opened the floodgates, but painful though it must be for you at the moment in a way its better to get it all out in the open, and knowing what he really thinks.

When I read he was berating you for putting a dampener on his "fantastic" day... having just come back from a cheating stag do episode and then football celebrations to berate you for not making the children your priority, it just highlights his total lack of remorse and making himself the poor victim in all of this.

I just thought he sounded like a complete joke..
I'm not sure anyone could come back from such a low level of self awareness.

Going for you as a mother is such a low blow, what a horrible man. Ask him to move out, it’s his behaviour that’s broken the marriage so it is a reasonable question. Also, his drinking is a problem and one could argue that you do not want him alone around your children…

@thelab Oh OP, he really is the gift that keeps on giving isn’t he!

You are worth so much more. Do not let him tell you otherwise anymore.

You don’t need me rinsing & repeating what all the other posters have already said. You are smart enough to see what he is doing.

I have just caught up with it all since last week & honestly nothing was a surprise. I’m just surprised he lasted a week.

You know what you need to do but one thing you should take note of is his sudden about turn in you “working more” and how “he has been there for the kids”.

This is a major red flag 🚩 and one you cannot ignore from now on.

You know you are done but you now need to keep a meticulous record of childcare arrangements from this minute onwards.

Also become very methodical in how you communicate any childcare. So for eg on a Sunday email childcare arrangements for the week ahead and include who makes dinner etc. I would go so far as starting with I have done the weekly shop, here is the meal plan for the week. If you know you will be working late deliberately add on that you will do lunches, iron kids clothes etc. Show division of family chores/responsibilities. Think the long game here OP, he will try and show he is the parent who does the most for the children.

He will go low if it means he wins. He knows your children are everything to you & if there is one sure way to keep a spouse in check is the children. If he can make you think that he will fight for the kids if you 2 go your separate ways he will do that as it means he keeps his little home life the way HE wants it.

You are yet to discover any financial irregularities and he will try his hardest to keep you away from it all. He is not one for responsibilities as you know so don’t think he will willingly pay child maintenance.

Time to channel that anger OP and you have that in bucket loads. I think you will show him exactly where his place is in life as you are no pushover and OP it’s time to take the rubbish out.

You have an army behind you!

Time to make a plan 😉

Here anytime you need me, sending you a massive hug. Xx

Have you kicked him out yet OP? Please please don’t saddle yourself with this any longer, my blood is boiling reading your updates. I am really not sure why people like him get married and have kids at all. Narcissistic bully.

Your life would be so much better without him.

Just checking in @thelab. How are you doing?
Have you managed to get rid of him?

I hope you’re ok @thelab

@thelab How are you doing?

@thelab Just wondering how you're doing?

Your experience had a profound effect on my own life - 11 years ago my now husband also went on a stag do to Benidorm and while he was there I just knew he cheated on me, I just had a strong feeling, no proof at all and no past experience of cheating that I knew of. He also vanished off WhatsApp etc for a couple of days, he was weird when he got home, I saw a "jokey" vague message on his phone a few weeks later from one of his best mates insinuating a good time etc and I lived with this strong feeling for over a decade.

I then saw this thread when you posted it and it's been eating away at me all year, it was like reading my own experience not far off word for word. He's done a few other concerning things over the years, but a few more obviously in the past 12 months that I had [more concrete] reason to call him out on with one just before Xmas, and while I was there upset about it and he seemed approachable and remorseful, something came over me to ask him what happened in Benidorm, something I've never asked before. And he admitted cheating on me without even flinching! And now the later posts from you in your thread have been what I've been battling with over Xmas rather than the initial marriage/over ones! I've been offered up a tale of 'soft' cheating like yours did, but I don't think I'll ever truly be able to believe it. Just wondering how things panned out for you in the end, and whether you're ok?