Knowing marriage is over

[thelab]

Hello,

I’m married with 2 DC. Home in joint mortgage and I work FT. I’ve only recently changed jobs and took a bit of a pay cut; this was to study so I’ll eventually have much better earning middle of next year. I’m 31.

I’ve been feeling ‘stuck’ in marriage for a while now. DH just completely messy to the extremes and not wanting to take on the mental load of much, to keep it very brief!
We’d do nothing outside of parenting but if his friends popped up, he’d be so excited and making all the effort. If he couldn’t go, he’d mope about and speak of how he doesn’t want to let that part of his life go (socialising) and blame me for it. They can’t do anything together that doesn’t involve getting drunk.
Nights are spent with him falling asleep on the sofa snoring.

Anyway, DH got invited to a stag do which he’s currently on, he went yesterday and until Monday evening. He first told me about it in passing at a concert of my favourite band, knowing I’d be distracted, then slyly just booked himself onto it, without even a discussion about it. He then said he wasn’t going, as a previous stag do he went on, late last year, made him miss the children too much.

I repeatedly told him I wasn’t happy about the way he went about this, not ‘permission’, just the lack of courtesy to discuss it. I also told him I wasn’t happy as we haven’t even got a family holiday booked this year, yet he’s been to the stag last year, this one and is going on a weekend away for his dad’s birthday next month. He started changing from not going, to going, saying he felt emotionally manipulated by me telling him the children had been upset on the previous one. He assured me he’d make sure we had a family holiday booked before he went however.

Obviously, that didn’t happen and I have no idea how much he’s taken money wise. Before he left, he didn’t even send a message to say he was getting on the plane/that he loves us as he usually would and all I got when he arrived was literally ‘I’ve arrived’. He messaged about 11:30am their time today, again, very brief with ‘Yous alright?’ This is unlike even him.

He’s been online on WhatsApp a lot tonight yet not bothered to message. I don’t expect constant conversation flow but I think it just highlights where we are on the priorities. I’m feeling a mix of anxiety and anger and I’m just so fed up of what has become my life. This feels like the end in my head, like a tipping point almost.

Sorry, I just wanted to let it out somewhere 😞

He’s being a mardy arse because he wanted to go on stag do but knew he’d be in trouble because he’s not done the other stuff you wanted. Instead of apologising and talking about it he’s been defensive and aggressive.

I think maybe the woman happened to be there at the same time and they did a quick iPhone contact swap by putting phones near each other which is why she saved as full name. probably like yeah we’ll catch up with you etc

Explosive reaction due to defensiveness again but the fact you’ve managed to spot a new contact being added which would take a lot of monitoring.

At the end of the day you’ve got a disorganised selfish defensive bullshitter but I’m not sure I’d add unfaithful to that.

OK, let's say nothing is going on ... The reason you're going out of your mind is because your partner isn't being supportive. You've made a big change, sounds as if you've switched careers, there's kids at home, and you need to feel as if you're part of a team. Instead, there's no team, you've effectively been abandoned to struggle on your own and your partner has been abusive towards you. Why would you trust someone who does that to you?

This is all about his behaviours, his immaturity and his abuse. You're looking towards the future. He's behaving like a teenager.

In other words, learn a script you know is true and you have evidence for. Don't let anyone else try and undermine you by suggesting you're mental for worrying about an affair. Stick to the facts. This will help you not get stuck down a rabbit hole.

Also, you now have to ask yourself, given the abuse (remember facts only) whether you feel safe around him. Talk to a women's support service.

@ProudCat , very good advice re: learninga script you know is true to avoid getting stuck down a rabbit hole.

Sorry, OP, this is happening to you.

Take a minute Op. This must feel awful - but you are a smart woman, a good mum and you know right from wrong. You will be ok. But you need to stay calm and be considered - don't play into his hysterical/ controlling narrative to his Dad.

While he's still away get all your important paperwork together. Payslips, pension details, savings accounts etc. for both of you so that you can work out what (as starting point) a 50/50 split would look like. Get house details, mortgage details etc. Take copies. Book to see a solicitor this week so you know where to stand.

You may find evidence of other things around the house if you were to look now but to be honest, what more do you need? Even if he hasn't cheated, his treatment of you is so awful that it sounds like he's wanting out of the relationship. And he has probably told your FIL you've stalked him / contacted this girl / invaded his privacy / ruined his holiday.

Tell your FIL the truth - you've got nothing to be ashamed of here. Describe his son's behaviour leading up to the stag do, how the stag do came about, your gut instinct something was wrong, his reaction, his lies and the way he spoke to you on the phone.

You don't need him Op, and life will probably be a lot better quite quickly without this cheating manchild.

Regardless of whether he’s acted physically inappropriately, I’d assume his response to you is most likely due to guilt that he has in some way behaved inappropriately, even if just emotionally. Innocent people don’t give two contradictory accounts of what happened or tend to respond to an allegation with emotional abuse. It does sound though that this is a blessing in disguise. If you haven’t been happy for a while you now have a good reason to walk away from someone who is prepared to treat you with such contempt.

You wouldn’t necessarily lose your house if the children spend most of their time with you. That can be a good reason for you to receive more in any divorce settlement.

I’ve just read your posts Op and wanted to offer a handhold.

His behaviour is very immature and does smack of guilt, but that guilt may not be because he has actually cheated. If you knew he’d taken her number because he was interested but not actually acted on it, would you consider that cheating? Would that be enough for you to end it? Because if he did take her number but hasn’t acted on it, it’s very unlikely he’d come clean and tell the truth. He’s covering his poor behaviour up, but it could be his intentions rather than the fact he’s done something. Have you trusted him up to this point?

His explosive reaction suggests he knows going on this stag and the way he went about it was not the right thing to do, and he knows you weren’t happy so he’s projecting that guilt on to you. Claiming you’re controlling etc when actually it’s entirely unreasonable of him to have booked to go in the way he did.

If you knew he’d hadn’t cheated, or hadn’t gone beyond getting her number, do you feel there’s enough left of the relationship that’s good that you want to save?

It sounds like it has been difficult for some time - and he hasn’t been acting responsibly. Do you want a husband like this? One who seems to want to be single, refuses to invest time in his relationship, takes you for granted, mismanages finances and is verbally abusive?

Can you ever trust him again after this?

Oh dear, OP. I'm so very sorry this is happening to you.

I remember reading a similar thread a couple of years ago where the H was away and it all came out.

That your FIL is coming over so quickly is a red flag. He must know, or suspect, similar.

The only good thing about this is the timing. You have the opportunity to get all of your documents (and ducks!) together.

You must feel like your guts have been ripped out, BUT you have to gather up every ounce of strength you can muster for now. Think of your DC when you're wavering. The time to howl and sob will come much later, for now, keep your dignity. You absolutely will get through this.

This all sounds awful, but I think I’d hold back on involving his father until I knew more and he was home.

I'm so sorry to hear all this OP. Screaming the c word down the phone is disgusting & no way to treat the mother of his children. He's a liability, disrespectful and abusive, leaves your house in a tip, takes you for granted, can't be arsed to parent properly, has no interests other than going out on the lash, and now shouts insults down the phone at you whilst he's drinking & partying, leaving you holding the baby,as it were. Revolting.

To me it sounds like the marriage is completely dead in the water. Your life will be so much better without him dragging you down. I'd stop wondering what exactly happened in Benidorm as tbh by this point who cares?-the way he is acting toward you is literally completely indefensible and you can't carry on a life with a man who treats you like that. And whatever he dodi, he's lying, gaslighting, being abusive to you, insulting you, showing no thanks that you are doing all the parenting while hes partying...and so on and on.

Btw we are far past 'I shouldn't have looked at his messages'. It was necessary because of bizarre behaviour on his part & his clear failure to tell you the truth.

I'd tell his dad the truth, if you've got abusive messages from your H, show his dad. Say he's shouted the c word down the phone endlessly, insulted you, etc. Hopefully he hasn't told lies to the dad, but if he has, stick up for yourself.

So sorry OP, just wanted to send solidarity and honestly, you're lowballing yourself with a tosser like him. I know the finances are a strain but the relief you'll feel when you step away from all this...honestly.

I’d definitely think it was ‘off’ to give someone your number bearing in mind what he’s gone for and where. I’m not someone who thinks you can’t be friends with the opposite sex but it doesn’t seem right given the circumstances.

I haven’t been happy for a bit of time but would have wanted to have given one last try, just so I could say with certainty there was nothing left to do. I wouldn’t have wanted it to be this way or at least him to have the decency to be straight about things.

He apparently lands earlier than I thought tomorrow, so I will have a look through paperwork etc tonight and see if I can put it somewhere else. I’ll take the children’s docs - birth certs etc?

I barely spoke to him yesterday just as I didn’t have time. I took the children out for the day, sun was shining and we had a lovely day. I actually felt calm and in control, albeit a bit happy, until this. The house is tidy, everything has its place and I’m not running about, stressed about mess, which is me usually, then I get told I’m a nag.

FIL was minimising a bit - said he hasn’t heard anything from him but thinks he will regret it in the cold light of day and calling me names isn’t acceptable. He thinks he won’t have done anything.

The girl has read my message this morning, no reply as of yet. Even if she doesn’t or whichever one was involved, DH or friend, at least I’ve got the message across they’re both spoken for. I didn’t tell her who I was and used my ‘other’ account and didn’t say anything rude, just for anyone who doesn’t read the whole thing.

It sounds like you really don’t trust him. That’s because he’s not been mature about discussing going on holiday with his friends.

I can understand you snooping on his contacts if you had a gut feeling. But TBF I’d be furious if a DP did that to me. I’d find it controlling and oppressive. Would be a major red flag for me.

It’s so important to go out and enjoy yourself from time to time when you have kids. Why don’t the two of you ever do things as a couple? Is it lack of childcare?

Yes, it’s about the way he’s gone about it, not that I thought he’d just want to go there and do whatever from the off.

I completely appreciate what you’re saying, I just had this feeling I couldn’t shake off based on how he was before he went and how he’d been whilst there. Very blunt and vague and almost defensive and trying to be distant from me. I can only compare that to how he usually is, which is a lot more communicative and at least saying things like he loved us.

I’ve said just that a lot as otherwise you become parents and that’s it. He very rarely puts in the effort to plan everything and I’m mentally exhausted from planning everything else, that a lot of the time it’s just out of my head, so I have some accountability there. We don’t have childcare aside from FIL or when they’re at school and nursery. FIL would do whatever we asked but I always feel bad.

Has your DH gone in a big group and this girl has gone with them -so likely this was premeditated? Or is it just some girl he might have met when he got there, in a club etc. and not connected to his mates?

Because if I've understand correctly and it's the former that adds a whole other level of betrayal to this. I’m so sorry, sounds like at the very least he’s had his head turned and probably went on the stag with the intention of pulling her.

Hold on to that peace and calm you feel when he’s not around - that is what life should feel like. ❤️

I'd ask him to move out, he wants the single life he can have it,

I wouldn’t confide too much in your FIL. When push comes to shove he will take his son’s side. It’s great he helps out btw so do keep him on side and he helps you both and you want it to remain amicable whatever happens next.

The only slight issue is we both work for the same employer. Different departments, dealing with totally separate sectors but because what we do is quite big and broad, we have the same manager. The job was my dream job, I’d been saying for months I needed a job in the sector and with the opportunities it affords me long term and it came up.

It wouldn’t be an issue if we did separate as it would probably work much how it does now with me in the office and him at home. There’d be no office drama and we have different teams as I say. It was probably the most ‘adult’ discussion we had before I put in for it as I asked him how he’d feel about it and I worked so hard to prove myself and ace the interview so no one could say I’d got it on who I was. The employers knew of me and I spoke with them at length beforehand to talk through me applying and they were so happy for me to do it, based on my experience and skills.

DH stays at home most of the time and is always being politely reprimanded at work for disorganisation - not dealing with things on time and not meeting his deadlines for the qualification he’s studying (which is degree standard I think so needs organisation). Manager keeps making jokes about how different we are and he’d have 10 of me and my colleague.
I’ve made an effort to go into the office a lot and form relationships. I’m close with manager already and we’re due our welfare / catch up meeting tomorrow which will be difficult to put a brave face on for as they know where he’s gone and know me well already. The last thing we need is any personal / work crossover though so I’m going to have to be brave, however hard. I am going to WFH tomorrow, just so I don’t have to face anyone.

It’s a separate issue but I suppose informs the whole thing, we’ve had talks before about how he thinks there’s something else behind his complete inability to be organised in life. We agreed he presents like ADHD but he currently refuses to do anything about looking into it.

Trying to distract myself with thinking practically. Thank you all for being here and your comments, they mean more than you’ll know.

As far as I know, the girl has been met whilst there. She’s not on their social media as a friend or ‘followed’ person and she lives in Wales which is really far from us so I really don’t think he’d have known her beforehand.

Do you get to go out with your friends op?

@FairyMaclary I rarely go out because I have such mum guilt! Through life and having children, I feel I’ve lost touch with a lot of people as I’ve fell into the ‘trap’ so to speak of giving everything to DC and neglected a lot of my life. I’d be honest and say I’m really quite lonely. My family is also really small yet horrendously rubbish too so I’m limited in a lot of ways.

DH is normally quite sneering about it and uses it to his advantage. He’ll say I don’t have any friends so that’s why I resent him going out with his and want to control him to stay with me all the time. That’s not the case at all but he is usually very difficult about events. If he gets an invite, he won’t just come out and say he’s been invited to x event or x night out. He might never mention it, then months later say he’s so upset and sick of life because he doesn’t go out. Or he’ll tell me but then say he isn’t going to go, then last minute, change and say he is now.

A couple of years ago when I was pregnant with our youngest, I was really struggling with painful walking and progress to being barely able to walk. He’d been due to go on an afternoon out drinking but I’d asked him to stay instead to help me look after our toddler at the time. He told me he would but then proceeded to stomp about the house like an angry teenager, sure he hit a wall or something if I remember rightly and was then bellowing angrily so much, he made our oldest cry. He then went out anyway, ignored me then saying, could we compromise and him come home earlier to help then, rolled in steamingly drunk.

I have 2 lovely sister in laws who I see when I can and we’re very close but other than that, yes, I’ve probably neglected myself. DH is adamant I could go out and do what I wanted whenever and he’d be happy.

My one escape used to be horses and riding but it’s very expensive now and I need to work to get rid of the last bit of baby weight to meet the weight limits. I’m not far off, who knows, this might help push me along! That doesn’t help how I feel. I was this lovely blonde girl with the right curves when we met. I’m in no way unhealthily heavier now, just not what I used to be and that bothers me. Sorry if that sounds shallow! DH has also put on a lot of weight, he loves sweets and takeaways.

I used to be so confident when I was younger. I’d go out anywhere and do anything. I’d speak to anyone. I had a rubbish childhood where I never felt good enough but I’ve spoken to DH about this. It doesn’t make me a needy/clingy person but he is aware that things like lack of affection etc, do sit in a difficult place with me but then he’d choose to be like that, even if I tried to communicate I wasn’t feeling in the best place, could we talk or do anything differently.

We have dogs who he’d always say he couldn’t get up and do a morning walk for because he can’t get up at that time. Recently, one of his friends started suggesting they go to the gym which meant getting up in the early hours. He went straight into that but that’s tailed off now as he can’t get out of bed. On a school morning I get up about 6amish to get myself ready, then get youngest ready and make a start on oldest.

DH usually gets up at 7:30/7:40, after snoozing lots of alarms and sometimes goes days without showering as he doesn’t give himself enough time, then gets stressed at eldest for taking too long to eat breakfast and they’ll be late! If I say I’m tired, he says I’m putting it on myself as I’m choosing to get up so early and put makeup on, which I don’t have to do.
Sorry, I’m just unloading everything to you all now!

Oh sweetie this really doesn’t like a happy marriage, you deserve someone adds value to your life. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. Never forget your worth 💐

Have a look at this and see if it rings any bells

Wow your updates...sounds like he's always been vile to you. What a dead weight he is.